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Thread: What's your sickest joke?

  1. #1696
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    Smile Sick Text Joke

    Just put a whole
    new meaning to
    Boxing Day by
    knocking out my
    wife within the
    first 10 seconds
    of it!


    Fuck I missed the
    Queens speech
    yesterday.That's
    sixty three years
    in a row now.

  2. #1697
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    The Internet has
    become too politically
    correct.What's all
    this nonsense about
    disabled cookies? In
    my day they were
    called broken biscuits.


    "What do you want
    for your birthday?" My
    girlfriend asked
    "Anal sex." I replied
    "Ha ha,nice try,tell me
    something I can buy
    for you." "Ok then,
    Anal sex with a
    prostitute."


    When I was a kid I said
    to my mum,"I really
    want a tattoo." She
    said,"If your going to
    have a tattoo have it
    done somewhwere that
    nobody gives a fuck
    about." So I had it
    done in Auckland.


    The NHS have come up with a
    new way to help people with
    sleeping problems without the
    use of drugs....As of tomorrow
    Manchester United match
    recordings will be avaliable on
    prescription!


    "I've got a big
    cock," I said to her."Fuck off,"
    she replied.It's really hard to
    chat up women who don't like
    blokes that breed chickens.

  3. #1698
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Watched David
    Attenborough's
    seven worlds one
    planet last
    night....What did
    we learn? Well
    that pumas are
    fast....But not as
    fast as a black guy
    legging it out of a
    Athele's Foot store
    in a pair of stolen
    Nikes.


    Does Adele title
    her albums
    according to her
    weight?


    BBC."But Andy
    Murray,I thought
    you loved playing
    in Austrailia"...
    Andy Murray..."To
    me,love means
    nothing."


    I asked my
    partner to rate
    my listening
    skills.She said,
    "You're an 8 on a
    scale of 10." I
    don't know why
    she told me to
    urinate on a
    skeleton.


    A poor quality
    Hardware and D.I.Y
    store by a David
    Bowie fan has
    opened up.It's
    called "Rubble
    Rubble."


    The A Team couldn't
    be found by the U.S
    Army or the FBI,but
    could be found by a
    little old lady with
    landlord troubles.


    Paddy tells his wife
    "My bumhole is really
    burning,I've no idea
    what it is..." ..."Ring
    Sting" his wife says...
    ...Paddy replies,"How
    the fuck will he
    know?"

  4. #1699
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    This year my
    new years resolution
    is to stop using
    spray on deodorants.
    Roll-on 2020.


    Dead simple this.If your
    chromosomes are xx you're a
    woman,if they are xy you're a
    man.If they are x your name is
    Malcom.If they are xxx you have
    just signed a birthday card.xo
    you're a chinese sauce.x=y2
    you're a comudrum.My wife's
    chromosomes are oxo that's
    because she's a bit of a
    fucking cow.


    'Robbie Williams reveals he slept
    with his drug dealer on the night
    he met Ayda Field' He scored twice
    before going on the field.


    People are like wine gums.Every
    colour offers a different taste that
    enriches your life and makes you
    smile.Except black ones,they're
    fucking horrible.


    FELLAS: If you suffer from penis
    envy,then stop looking at other
    blokes penises.


    I begged my mate sam not to do
    karoake,but samsung anyway.


    Interest on your debts is
    essentially just money cancer.


    Why don't people in
    coronation street ever
    look at the tv
    magazines in the
    newsagents to find out
    what is going to
    happen to them next
    week?


    The guy that
    convinced Stevie
    Wonder that he
    needed sunglasses
    must of been one hell
    of a salesman.

  5. #1700
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Making a list of
    women I should
    have fucked
    when I had the
    chance 1.All
    of them.


    If a pig loses its voice
    does it become
    disgrunted?


    Give a man a fish and
    he can eat for a day.
    But teach a man to
    fish,and he will bore
    you to fucking death
    with fish stories.


    I was sitting on my own in a
    restaurant,when I saw a beautiful
    woman at another table.I sent her a
    bottle of the most expensive wine on
    the menu.She sent me a note,"I will
    not touch a drop of this wine unless
    you can assure me that you have
    seven inches in your pants." So I wrote
    back;"Give me the wine,As goreous
    as you are,I'm not cutting off three
    inches for anyone."


    Apparently every
    woman is bi.It just
    takes time to figure
    out if it's sexual or
    fucking polar.


    I walked into a
    tattooist today,pulled
    my pants down and
    said,"I want my
    girlfriend's name
    tattooed down my
    cock please," "Well
    lets fucking hope her
    name is Sue or Ann."
    he replied.



    I got home from work
    knacked and the
    wife was stark naked
    on the settee with
    her legs wide open.
    "Welcome home
    sweetheart," she
    said,"Now then my
    pussy won't lick itself,"
    "I know and I'm
    going to do
    something about it."
    I replied,"Rover,
    Rover.Come here
    boy,there's a good
    dog."

  6. #1701
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    Angry Sick Text Jokes

    Now that Meat Loaf has turned
    vegetarian he wishes to be known
    as Nut Roast.


    My last girlfriend dunped me
    because she said I was always
    doing owl impressions...I was a
    twit to woo her in
    the first place.


    A mate who used to be a roadie for
    Queen back in the day once told me
    an amusing tale when the band
    were setting off from heathrow
    airport.Freddie had brought his
    boyfriend along and the poor lad
    couldn't get through the airport
    scanner,after trying several times
    it was revealed he was full of
    mercury.


    I asked a librarian
    if they had
    anything on
    telepathy?
    "Nothing comes
    to mind."


    I'm in my forties
    now,but I'm
    proud to say I
    haven't lost my
    looks.I always
    was a right ugly
    fucker.


    Found my wife's
    vibrator the other
    day.It's so fucking
    massive I'm seriously
    thinking about
    entering it in Robot
    wars!


    I saw an offer for pig
    breeders weekly
    magazine,I signed
    up for a 2 year
    subscription...And I
    got a free pen.


    Wimbledon The time
    of year blind people
    think porn is being
    shown on daytime TV.


    I'm hotter than a
    smack heads spoon.


    A wife comes back
    from the doctors with
    a big smile on her
    face Husband says
    "Why are you so
    happy?" The wife
    says,"The doctor told
    me that for a 45 year
    old woman,I have 18
    year old breasts" "Oh
    yeah" said the
    husband,"Well what
    did he say about your
    45 year old arse?"
    she said,"Your name
    never came up in
    conversation."


    I saw Prince Charles
    and Camilla
    heading
    for cornwall
    yesterday on the
    motorway,hogging
    the middle lane and
    had no option but to
    undertake them...I
    passed the Duchy on
    the left hand side.

  7. #1702
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Rod Stewart
    proves that the
    first cut is the
    deepest.As long
    as he throws the
    first punch.


    I googled Rod
    Stewart's age.I
    had no idea he was
    74 I must say
    though......he
    wears it well.


    Young Hotel
    security guard who
    was punched by
    Rod Stewart is
    heralded as a hero.
    I had no chance,he
    said.The cunt
    was 74.


    I just walked past
    a pornstar in a
    car who was
    straddling the
    centre console,
    fucking the gear
    stick.At first,I
    thought it was an
    automatic,but
    then I realised it
    was Emmanuelle.


    Is it just coincidence
    that black ice is the
    most dangerous?


    My wife just came
    out of the bedroom
    wearing a Nurses
    outfit.I thought,
    Fucking Awesome
    she's going to work.


    It was a
    Yorkshireman who
    invented cats
    eyes.He came out
    of the pub late one
    night,a cat walked
    towards him in the
    middle of the road
    which gave him
    the idea of cats
    eyes.Had the cat
    been walking in
    the opposite
    direction he would
    probably have
    invented the pencil
    sharpener.


    One of the things
    that pisses me off
    about "Doctor
    Who" is the
    Tardis.Why is it
    still a Police Box?
    Couldn't the all
    knowing doctor
    make it appear as
    something more
    congruent to the
    modern high
    street? Like a
    charity shop or
    bookies?

  8. #1703
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I used to work at
    a keyboard factory,and
    my sector was responsible for
    the making of the
    key D; my job
    was to test
    whether the D
    key worked or
    not,so everyday
    I would sit and
    press the D key
    on different
    keyboards for 8
    hours a day 5
    days a week.
    Eventually I had
    had enough and
    had to leave the
    job was just
    really Depressing.


    Can't believe I
    have to wear this
    dress and
    make-up for
    another 3 weeks.
    Should never
    have signed up
    for Tranuary.


    "Your Nan sucks
    cock!" classic
    insult,not so
    funny when she's
    whispering it in
    your ear though.


    Prince Harry is so
    under the thumb
    he's soon gonna
    have less hair
    than his big
    brother.


    35 killed in
    stampede at
    funeral procession of
    Qassem Soleimani.
    One mourner said,"I
    should've walked
    but Iran."


    I keep reading
    about these
    terrible fires in
    OZ.Hasn't anyone
    thought about
    contacting the
    wizard?


    Women selling
    their nude
    pictures for
    donations to the
    Australian bush
    fires.Smoking
    hot bush pics to
    put out...smoking
    hot bush.


    Bit soon for a
    tennis player
    called Ash to
    represent
    Australia,don't
    you think?


    Australia now has
    to deal with Ash
    problem.They
    have my
    sympathy,especially
    when he finds out
    there's no longer
    Pokemon GYm.


    Did you know
    that Einstein used
    to masturbate
    before attempting
    complicated maths
    problems...
    ...which I thought
    was a stroke of
    genius.

  9. #1704
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    For everyone
    who believes that
    "Nothings
    Impossible." Try
    getting life
    insurance when
    you smoke 60 a
    day and drink 7
    bottles of scotch
    a week.


    Got a like on a
    dating app off a
    girl who listed
    her interests as
    anal sex and the
    sound of music...
    I thought that's
    one of my
    favourtie things,
    hmm I bet it's a
    Von Trapp.


    Do you ever
    wake up.Kiss the
    person beside
    you and just be
    thankful to be
    alive? I did.Not
    really appreciated
    on buses
    apparently.


    "You wouldn't happen to do hot
    chocolate mate!" I asked the
    barman."I'll defintely give it a go!"
    He said...."I believe in
    miracles.....where you
    from...You sexy thing?"


    "Your wife has given
    birth to a little girl
    but there are
    problems,the baby
    cannot suck or
    swallow," "Fuck me,
    only a few minutes
    old and she already
    takes after her
    mother."


    Paddy:"Have you
    ever cheated on me?"
    wife:"Yes,but only
    twice.Remember
    when we were skint,
    and I said the butcher
    gave us some steaks
    for free?"
    Paddy:"That's not so bad.
    What about the
    second time?"
    Wife:"Remember when
    you stood for office
    and said you were
    35 votes short?"

  10. #1705
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Prince Harry and
    Meghan Markle
    told Elton John of
    their plans to quit
    royal duties
    BEFORE they told
    the Queen.I'm
    confused who
    did they tell
    first?


    Piers Morgan insists it
    wasn't racism that
    drove away Harry and
    Meghan.I think he's
    right.It was more than
    likely their chauffeur.



    I wonder if ugly
    people make a
    pretty face when
    they orgasm?


    I got kicked out
    of the weekly
    pub quiz last
    night.Apparently
    "Apes together
    strong" isn't the
    slogan for Black
    Lives Matter.


    Just read a sign
    in a shop window:
    It said...."I would
    rather have a 1,000
    Muslim
    customer's than
    have one British
    soldier in my
    shop," My local
    funeral director
    cracks me up.


    Why do
    women pay more
    for a haircut?
    Because the
    conversation is
    harder work!
    ( Do I get a hell yea? )

  11. #1706
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Prince Harry tells
    the Queen that
    there's no need
    for a transition
    period as
    Meghan has
    already taken his
    balls away.


    Will Harry now
    be known as the
    Royal formally
    known as Prince?


    Say what you
    want about
    Meghan Markle,but
    the recent news
    makes her a symbol
    of president Trump's
    dream for America.A
    non-white foreigner
    refusing public
    benefits and getting
    the hell out of the
    country...



    "Kate and Meghan haven't
    spoken for months."
    I wish I'd married a
    woman like that.



    "Duchess boards
    a seaplane to
    visit a woman's
    shelter in
    canada" I knew it
    wouldn't last,still
    no one will notice
    she has a black
    eye.



    Cressida Bonas:
    "People always
    try to stick a
    label on me...I
    just want to act!"
    The young lady is
    far too modest;
    she scores at
    least nine and a
    half out of ten,so
    I am sure there
    are plenty of men
    who want to stick
    something in her
    rather than on
    her.



    I'm not saying my new
    girlfriend is kinky.
    But when I told her
    my favourite song is
    "April Showers" she
    pissed on my face.



    Bono's son's band
    Inhaler insist
    they want to
    make it on their
    own and don't
    want to use his
    dad's name for
    themselves.The
    track listing for
    their album
    of original
    material has just
    been released-
    1.With or without me.
    2.Where the streets have some names.
    3.New years eve.
    4.I've literally just found what I'm looking for.
    5.Monday bloody Monday.
    6.Slightly better then the real thing.
    7.Angel of Hartlepool.
    There's more' I'm sure....

  12. #1707
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    So,Gwyneth
    Paltrow is making
    vagina scented
    candles now....
    Presumably
    because since
    Chris Martin left,
    she misses the
    smell of a cunt
    around the
    house?




    Gwyneth Paltrow
    candles under
    investigation
    after a Husband
    and Wife black
    out from the
    smell.Apparently
    they had the
    candle burning
    whilst making
    love.A neighbour
    found the
    unconscious
    coupling.


    There's fuck all
    unique about that
    Gwyneth Paltrow
    candle,every
    candle in our
    house smells like
    my old woman's
    fanny.


    That Gwyneth
    Paltrow candle
    isn't very
    realistic.It's only
    had one wick
    dipped in it.


    Gwyneth Paltrow
    is now going to
    bring out a candle
    the size and
    shape of her tit.
    Should fit into
    A-cup.


    Gwyneth Paltrow
    released a candle
    that smells like
    her vagina.Not
    difficult really.
    Her vagina smells
    of wax.She gave
    up using plastic
    vibrators a while
    ago.


    So that what
    Chris Martin
    smells like!


    I'm going to
    bring out a candle
    that is the size
    and smell of my
    cock.I'm calling
    it the Tee-He
    light.


    Gwyneth
    Paltrow selling
    candles that
    smell like her
    vagina.She gets
    on my wick.

  13. #1708
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    A poem for
    Meghan: Meghan
    Sussex is a cow
    Look at what she's
    up to now Evil
    witch has got her
    way Bolting off
    for USA Harry's
    really pussy
    whipped Round
    his cock a noose
    she's slipped All
    his friend's she's
    cast adrift with
    Will and Kate
    she's caused a rift
    High and mighty
    she has been
    Total disrespect
    for Queen Really
    she's just trailer
    trash Black and
    common-after
    cash Millions on
    the wedding
    went Fortunes
    then on
    Frogmore spent
    Servants at their
    beck and call
    Nannies come
    and then they fall
    Thinks she's had
    a rotten deal she's
    no idea just
    what is real
    Whinges,whines
    and blames a lot
    Are we sorry?-
    we are not!
    Wallis Simpson
    did the same US
    slappers sadly
    came Upset our
    Royals and our
    press Causing
    utter bloody
    mess My strong
    advice to Harry is
    Man up and bin
    the woggy frizz
    Cut and run at a
    great speed She's
    not suitable to
    breed.



    Harry and Meghan,
    or the black and
    white minstrel show
    as they'll be known
    from now on.



    Prince Harry
    shows he's
    serious about
    paying back
    5 million taxpayers
    momey that went
    into the
    Frogmore
    Cottage
    renovation,I'll
    pay for it with
    my white
    privilege....

  14. #1709
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Meghan Markle
    throws a masssive
    fit after
    discovering that
    Disney Princess
    movies are not
    instruction
    manuals on how
    to perform Royal
    duties.


    It was a black
    day for Britain
    when Prince
    Harry walked
    away from his
    official duties.On
    the other hand it
    means the Royal
    Family will have
    a white future.


    Prince Harry was
    asked again about
    his carbon
    footprint.He
    replied,"I'm sick
    of people calling
    her that."


    Well I must say I
    am looking
    extremely
    forward to seeing
    South Park do a
    episode,involving Prince
    Harry and his
    lass moving to
    canada.


    Prince Harry
    teams up with his
    high school
    chemistry teacher
    to cook meth in a
    desert on the
    next episode of
    Breaking Royal.


    What's Prince
    Harry's favourite
    type of extinct
    fish? Meglagone.



    Bad Boys.So
    called because of
    the sugar,starch
    and carbs that fat
    cunt Martin
    Lawrence has
    consumed.


    My wife left me
    because I like
    pina colada.
    Well,that and I
    got caught in
    Lorraine.

  15. #1710
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    "Amazon driver
    kicked customer's
    pet dog six times
    and branded owner
    a bitch" I
    didn't realise
    they carried a
    branding iron in
    the van.


    Just asked a sexy
    oriental chick
    where she comes
    from.Never
    heard of
    "Mibollax" before,not
    going to stop
    me fucking the
    arse off her
    though.


    Conner McGregor
    finishes in 40
    seconds and he's
    a success.I
    smash it in 40
    seconds and I'm a
    disppointment.


    I rang up the
    samaritans
    earlier but was
    put on hold.The
    fucking song in
    the background
    though.Blondie-
    Hanging on the
    telephone.


    Paddy Guinness
    says he needed
    therapy to film
    Top Gear.Unlike
    the rest of us,who
    needed therapy AFTER
    watching him in
    Top Gear.


    If fans of Duran
    Duran are called
    Dunannies,and
    fans of Carly Rae
    Jepson are called
    Jepsies,are
    Pantera fans
    called Panties?


    Just got off the
    phone with Bill
    Withers.I told
    him Aint No
    Sunshine is poor
    grammar.He said
    "I Know I Know I
    Know I Know I
    Know I Know I
    Know I Know I
    Know I Know I
    Know I Know I
    I Know."


    Under new rules
    fertility clinics
    are going to be
    allowed to take
    sperm from
    corpses.We all
    expect our Dads
    to have been a
    bit stiff when we
    were conceived,
    but not that
    bloody much.

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