The new bloke at work's invited me over to his place tonight for some 'man fun'.
Awesome. I hope he's got table football and a PS5.
Not saying Kate Bush has put on a few pounds over the years or anything, but her new single is called Getting a Taxi Up That Hill.
A guy goes into a pub with a Lion and asks the barman if he serves Niggers. The barman says "We don't discriminate against anyone." The guy says "Good. A pint for me and a Nigger for the Lion."
Women's health company unveils Period Crunch? cereal shaped like a uterus that makes the milk turn red to remind people to talk about periods.
I recommend mashing up a Kipper among it for extra realism.
I pulled my car to the kerb and offered the hooker 20 for a suck job.
I drove her to a secluded car park, passed her the syphon and told her not to stop until I had a full tank.
Seeing Absolutely Fabulous on Gold takes me back to a golden age of comedy.
When you could say this isn't fucking funny and not be called some kind of Phobic.
My sister has a nut allergy.
Well, I say 'allergy', she's a lesbian.
Police are looking for two armed men who got away with a fortune from a petrol station.
It's been reported that they got away with two full gallons.
Important news for women: Scientists have discovered that spending all day copying and pasting amusing quotes onto Facebook statuses and passing it off as your own, does not constitute wit
'...People say I'm a hoarder.
Not true, because you never know when someone will call round with a Nokia 2160 and needs to connect to a fax machine.'
My neighbour's been a right prick lately, and I've punished him by breaking into his house at night and stealing... his wife's tampons.
I hear they've stopped using artificial fertilizers in Holland. They grow their flowers using pulverized furry rodents as soil feed.
it?s tulips from hamster jam.
The number one movie in America is Top Gun, their number one song is Kate Bush Driving Up That Hill, and America is in a proxy war with Russia. Fuck it. Why don't we give 1986 another go?
If petrol gets any more expensive I'm going to have to go back to drinking vodka.
Sir Paul McCartney 'will
perform at Glastonbury
2022' at the age of 80
-making history as
festival's oldest
headline act.
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