What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

Has anybody ever tried to be modest with
cake and said,"Only a slither for me thanks"
and then got back to their table and not said
"Have you seen what that tight bastard gave
me?"



Philip Scholfield an alcoholic,and a
chainsmoker are in a car when they run over
a black cat
The cat belongs to a witch who is furious,she
spits a curse out.
"May you suffer never to enjoy that which you
love the most,or you end up like my cat,and
be dead also."
The men think she's a batty old woman and
pull into a pub.
The alcholic has one sip of whiskey and
falls down dead.
The other two leave the pub in shock,
suddenly a passing man drops a half smoked
cigarette on the ground.
Philip Schofield looks at the chainsmoker
and says "If you bend down to pick that up
we're both fucking dead mate."



If the members of the GO-GO's had their
vaginas sewn up,would that give new
meaning to the song title "Our Lips Are
Sealed?"

[Bikkie]

Tik Tok has been banned in India.
I knew it was just a matter of
time.



There was a slicked-back haircut in
the sixties known as the DA.
Which stood for Duck's Arse.
It wasn't as popular as the BA though.
That was the world's favourite hairline.



Just found out what KFC stands for.
Kill Fuckin Chickens.



I couldn't believe it when I heard
the military is wearing blaceface
during operations.
I thought soldiers are trying NOT
to get shot?




How can people claim the military
isn't racist when it conducts all
nigt exercises in blackface?



I took my blind girlfriend to a
concert,and during the interval
she turned towards me
and with her eyes flicking all
over the shop like they do,she
said "Isn't life curel?
I was born blind and you were born
without a nail on your thumb.

[Bikkie]

I was on an American film website discussing
the new Bond Film and decided for a laugh to
say that in the next Bond,the villain will be a
mix of Blofelt and oddjob.
I spent the next 16 hours explaining to a yank
that,no the new villain wasn't going to be
called oddfelt.



I find it odd that so many people like to say
"I'm a person of colour"
Black isn't a colour,its a shade.
Do you want to be known as a shady person?
Didn't think so.



Lewis Hamilton has stated the Austrian
Grand Prix had ups and downs in terms of
performance.
A mixed race then.



I wondered why my new girlfriend's nickname
was The Juggler.
Until my mates told me she like one up,one
down,and one in her hand.



If you believe that "Colour Doesn't
Matter" try arguing with your wife when
choosing wallpaper.



Did you know that,every year,more people
die of trips and falls in their bathrooms than
have ever been killed by terrorists?
Seems sensible to me.
I mean how many terrorists hang out in
people's bathrooms?

[Bikkie]

Apparently Amber Heard took a "Lone Ranger"
on Johnny Depp's bed.



I asked my wife "Why are you always
screaming and throwing shit at me?
You're like Johnny Depp's ex!"
she said "I just want to make myself
Heard!"



Hong Kong: Chinese ambassador warn UK
Over 'Interference.
Are they sending Gary Glitter?



I couldn't believe I got told off
and ordered to leave a store over
the mask policy even though I
had my face covered.
I protested,"A Klan hood will work
as well as any other."



Hoods and masks were the normal apparel
for robbers.When it is a real requirement
to cover your face,will bare-faced robbery
be the ultimate crime?



Convicted drug dealer,Jack Speed,led police
on a 100mph chase through Brimingham.
He certainly lives up to his name.

[Bikkie]

My therapist says I need to let go of
my obsession with the past.
To be fair,I am an archaeologist.



In a survey,Scandinavian dyslexics
couldn't say if their favourite pop
group was Abba or A-ha.



My wife told me that she'd
always wanted to ride a horse.
Judging by the size of her cunt,I
thought she already had.



If a fire alarm business can go up in
smoke,and a plumbers business can
go down the drain,can a hooker get
laid off?



My girlfriend told me I had to give up
drinking,so I joined the AA.
Unforunately,I joined the Automobile
Association by mistake.
At least either way I'm on the road to
recovery.



Great news about petrol prices being
under $2. Plus,it won't take as long to
fill up the tank now.



Next time you are out with your mates,sometime
after lockdown is eased a bit more.
Suddenly yell "Look at that dead bird."
See how many of them look up!


Taylor swift should interrupt Kaynes
presidency speech.
If it ends,that is.



I see a news story the other day about the
BLM Campaingners complaining about the
lack of black actors on TV.
What a load of rubbish.
My wife loves watching the true life
crime stories that have the re-enactments
of the crime and there's a lot of black
actors in them.

[Bikkie]

I got drunk and chatted up this bird down the
pub.
"You remind me of Bob Dylan,"she said.
"What?" I replied,"Profound and poetic?"
"No," she said,"I can hardly understand a
fucking word you are saying."



I know about the Birds and the Bees.
Divorcing my last bird I got stung.



Is Cilla Black?

Is Barry White?

Is Marvin Gaye?

Asking for a friend as Stevie Wonder.





My wife finally convinced me I need flowering
Japanese Jasmine in the garden.
I was holding out for de-flowering Japanese
Jasmine in the bedroom.



Princess Beatrice given away by
Prince Andrew.
I bet he hated giving a child
away.



Beatrice's wedding was a breath of fresh air
for Prince Andrew.
For once,it wasn't someone else's daughter
giving him away.




Princess Beatrice given away by Prince
Andrew.
I bet he hated giving a child away.



After her wedding day,Princess Beatrice
said she was looking forward to having kids.
Follows after her dad then.



'Disgraced Andrew airbrushed
out of Beatrice wedding photo's'
A nice change from Prince Andrew
doing the touching-up.



As the rest of the family was watching
the telly I said,"I don't remember that
wedding scene from the 'Gremlins'"....then
they all just hissed at me it was coverage
of the marriage of Princess Beatrice.




I was in the newsagents this morning and
noticed that Princess Beatrice was on the
cover of all the newspapers and magazines
apart from Horse and Hound
which is a bit ironic.







Cryptic crossword clue.7
letters.
Yorkshire native
describing the offence
and number of
accusations against
Prince Andrew.
Umpteen.



My brother's married to a useless dog.
She's a shit Sue.



I saw a black man in my local pharmacy
today,he said,"I've had a migraine for hours
and I keep coughing."
Thr pharmacist said,"Have you taken
anything?"
"No,not yet I haven't" he replied.
The pharmacist said,"Well I don't fucking
believe you empty your pockets you thieving
black bastard!"

[Bikkie]

( first day at owl sanctuary )

ME: I think you mean "whom" lol

OWL: Fuck off



My bloody wife telling me I've never felt pain
because I've never experienced child birth.
Well sweetheart,you've never caught your
cock in your zip.



I'm not saying my wife's thick.
But she thinks a Vendetta is a
block of icecream.



Some words sounding similar can be
confusing.
For example,Entropy and Atropy.
Entropy is simply a measure how
much the energy of atoms and
molecules become more spread out
in a process and can be defined
in terms of statistical probabilites.
Whereas Atropy,is what you get if you
win something.

[Bikkie]

The B.L.M movement are so parnoid they
have said that they wish to exterminate
every single pigeon off the face of the
earth.
When asked why a spokesperson said,"Come
on,Everyone knows they are racist saying
look at the coon look at the coon."



How does Mick Hucknall make the most
of a blowjob?
Holding back the ears.



"I'm fucked.I was up four times last
night to change nappies."
"I didn't know you'd had a baby."
"I haven't...grandma's staying
with us."



Nostradomus said Yellow people will take
over the world.
How the fuck did he know about the
simpsons?



I'm not saying Paddy's thick but he he thought
equilibrium was a horse tranquilizer.



Cardiacs frontman,Tim Smith
has died age 59 of a ......Yep
you guessed it.
The remaining members of the
band are set to release a
cover version of Alanis Morissette's
'Ironic' as a special tribute.

[Bikkie]

If Kate Middleton had married king Henry
the VIII he would have had 3 kids,2 sons and
a daughter straight off the bat,no messing
about getting an heir to the throne.
No need to remarry and divorce or behead
5 of his 6 wives.
No need to create the church of England,therefore
no need for wars with France and Spain,no
gunpowder plot,no English civil war or religious
persecution throughout the ages,and peace in
Northern Ireland.
What a selfish bitch!



Is a Russian wedding also known as a
soviet union?




To be happy with a man,you must understand
him a lot and love him a little,To be happy
with a woman,you must love her a lot and not
try to understand her at all.



A bite from the Brazilian Wandering spider
can cause an erection lasting up to
four hours.
You'd have to be a pretty sick puppy to
get turned on by that,kind of thing,though.

[Bikkie]

Kim says that Kayne doesn't take medication
because it changes who he is.
A nutter



I don't trust that Kayne West...
He looks like he could steal this election.


Oh Lord won't you buy me a Merceds-Benz
It's built by white honkies we must make
amends.
Do you know any Nig-Nogs who can bring
their friends.
To replace the honkies at Merceds-Benz.
copywright-Lewis Hamilton 2020



I wasn't sure how to tell the girl I was
incontinent,when she said she was keen
on martial arts.
Me too! I said.I've got a yellow belt.



The phrase,"Look both ways when you
cross the road" has taken on a new
meaning since men started wearing makeup.



People who say,"I thought to myself..."
Who the fuck else can you think to?



What's Meghan Markles favour wine?
"Why can't I be an English princess?"



I was in my local corner shop and asked
the man behind the counter,"How long
have you been a paki shop owner?"
"Don't call me that" he said.."and by
the way,you're wrong anyway,you just
made an assumption about me."
"I'm sorry" I said..."You're right"...
"So,how long have you been a paki
franchisee?"



I was paying a prostitute and the bill
was over $90.I said "Can I swipe?"
she said "no,you'll have to
insert it."



Prince Harry 'is less intelligent' than
Meghan Markle and 'goes along with
whatever she says'.



"Have you found anywhere for Paddy's stag
do,Seamus?"
"Yeah-Egpt.I booked it because of
the strip club."
"Oh right.Which one?"
"The pyramind for geezers."



I've just finished building a model
Mount Everest.
My mate asked "Is it to scale?"
"No" I replied,"It's to look at.



Black childern are almost 3.5 time more
likely to die after surgery as white childern,
according to the lastest study to show clear
disparities in medical care between black
and white patients.
To be fair,they're much more likely to be in
hosiptal because of gunshot wounds.



My girlfriend stunned me when she said we
could see other people.
It took all the fun out of fucking
her sister.



The wife wanted three new pans so I
thought I'd treat her.
How was I to know she didn't mean
marzi,bed and Busco?

[Bikkie]

"Your pussy is great," I told her,while
we fucked.
"Go deeper!" she yelled.
"Your pussy has always had a place
in my heart and I don't think I could
live without it."
Slightly lowered her arousal.



I went to the library and asked the
libarian if they had any books on
Gyneclogy.
"Let me take a look." he said.
"Yeah,that's the one." I replied.



Does anyone know if I can buy clothes
pegs online?



Some people are life-sucking,energy-draining,
negative bags of annoying hell.
The others are callled men.



The clitoris has almost 8,000 nerve endings.
But it's still not as sensitive as the woman
it's attached to.



The ideal man comes home early,doesn't
come first,doesn't complain doesn't cheat,
doesn't drink,doesn't smoke,doesn't gamble
and doesn't exist.



I got sacked from my job at the undertakers
as I was always late for work.
I'm just not a mourning person.



Thanks to our mutual dislikes of newspaper
puzzles,my wife and I have enjoyed a long
and happy marriage.
Thirty years and not a crossword.



Women speak an average of 20,000 words a
day,with nothing being the most used.
Men speak an average of 17,000 words a day,with
what's the matter,being the most used 3, followed
by periods of silence.



Confucius he say: Man who take a fishing rod
into pawn shop is angling for a loan.



The sex on my wedding night was the best
ever.
I often wonder what happened to that
barmaid.



My wife was trying to log into her favourite
fashion website."I can't remember my four
letter pincode," she frowned,"What do you
reckon I'd have used? It must hane been'
something obvious...."
I said "Try XXXL."



After a long commute I rushed past
my wife and ran up the stairs to the
bathroom.
"Can't stop love," I shouted."I'm
about to piss myself>"
"Oh yeah?" she called after me.
"Toilets out of order on the train
again?"
"No", I called back."I've just seen
the way you parked the car."

[Bikkie]

Peter Green walks into a
fast food restaurant.
The girl behind the counter
says,"Big Mac?"



So Peter Green,one of
Fleetwood Mac's founders
has died or are they just
Rumours?

[Bikkie]

Rachel Riley is boycotting Twitter for 48
hours.
She wasn't exactly tweeting pics of her
gaping asshole beforehand so I doubt she'll
be missed.



Jonny Depp: What did Amber's lawyer say?

Jonny Depp's lawyer: He said your anger is
based on misogyny.

Jonny Depp: Who's this Miss O'Ginny?
Did I hit her too?



"Taylor Swift announces a surprise studio
album."
You can say that again,but I don't think her
fans will appreciate her dueting with
Ted Nugent.



Irony: When a U.S Senator who says slavery
was "necessary evil."
Is named Tom Cotton.




In Arkansas,Senator
Tom Cotton has caused
controversy by decribing
slavery as a necessary
evil.
Come election day,I
doubt many black folks in
Arkansas will be picking
cotton.


A cat has been tested positive for
Coronavirus...
Paw thing...I hope it gets FURloughed? As I'm
guessing it won't be allowed Meowt for a
while.



A cat has been confirmed to be infected with
Covid-19
The UK'S chief veterinary officer has
confirmed there is no evidence to suggest
that it could transmit the disease to people,
to the delight of the husband and childern of
Sophie Ellis-Bextor.



I love threesomes so much I moved to
Middlesex.



Primates at Knowsley Safari Park in
Merseyside have been spotted carrying
knives,screwdrivers and chainsaws.
Nice to finally see movement in the work
front up there.



I don't agree with the people who claim that
Donald Trump is showing signs of cognitive
decline.
He was always a fucking idiot.

[Bikkie]

With the Washington Redskins American
fotball team and The Exeter Chiefs Rugby
union team having to change their names
because of Political correctness,what
are the New Zealand All Blacks Rugby
Union Team going to change their name
to?



I've just lost my job as an icecream tester.
I couldn't do sundaes....



I almost got into the SAS,I failed on one
question.
They said,"Imagine the scenario...terrorists
have taken hostages,they're holding them in
an embassy-what are your preferred
tactics?"
I replied,"The orange ones."



I entered a head to head mesturbation
competition the other day.
We tossed to decide who went first.
After that neither of us really felt like
competing.



A scammer phones up a Jewish family.
"Hello?" asks the Jewish man.
"Sir," says the scammer,"there's been some
suspicious activity on your credit card."
"There was!" panics the Jewish man.
"Yes,someone's actually been spending
money"...



Snuggling up on the sofa,my wife asked,
"After 15 years,can you imagine being
married to anyone else nut me?"
30 minutes later I shook myself and said,
"Sorry love what was that?"



Helped my neighbour move some stuff this
morning and I accidently dropped his glass
chess set breaking most of the peices....with
that I offered to pay for it and he asked how I
was going to pay...I said
cheque mate.



If his political advisors want Trump to wear a
mask,they should make one out of Ivanka's
panties.
He'll never take it off.



My eight month pregnant wife recently
mentioned to me that she'd quite like to have
a baby shower.
So the next time we had sex I spunked on
her face.


The English Government are offering people $100
to get their old bikes repaired in a bid to get
the U.K more healthy!
All the black people will be happy to know
they can now get their stolen bikes fully
serviced for free!

[Bikkie]

Elton John's ex-wife
claims they DID try
to have childern but
struggled to conceive.
Once,he nearly made it
into the vagina,she said.



Just got mugged by a
prostitute
She was giving me a blow
job,then bang! Caught me
with a uppercut.
Talk about a sucker
punch.



Human sperm roll like
'palyful otters'as they
swim,study finds.
That's why it's always best
to wait until she's as wet
as an otter's pocket.


just got an email from my
car insurance company
asking,"If you only had
one gallon of fuel,how
would you use it?"
Torching maori's wasn't the
sort of answer they were
looking for.
Can anyone recommend
a new insurance company
please?



Some maori's has stolen
all the bus stop signs
from our street.For fuck
sake,where do these
people get off?



I was given the task of making sure no one
touched a fence that had just been painted,and
do you know what?
It was like watching cricket.



I once took a girl to see star wars
on a date.
I really wanted to Leia,but she wouldn't
even give me a chewie.



The english pandemic is taking almost
as long as it takes American to get to
the point on YouTube video.



Doctor's examining Katie Price after her leg
break,say she has a nasty horrible crack,that
needs filling in.
And she's broke her feet as well.




Katie Price confned to wheelchair.
Just how big was that cock?




Katie Price's doctor has advised her to spend
at least 6 weeks lying on her back
with her feet elevated.
No change there then.



Katie Price has broken both ankles
where's she going to keep her
knickers now?



Katie Price has broken both her ankles-presumably
from the force of her fucking legs
finally snapping closed.



Katie Price confirms she is unable to walk
for 'more than six months' after breaking
BOTH her ankles and feet.
"What the fuck can I do," she asked,"Laying
around all day with my legs open."



Katie Price has had that many cocks.
Her uterus knows to move to the side itself
when her legs open.


Katie Price is obeying social distancing rules.
She is keeping her ankles 2 meters apart.



Katie Price has got cracks in her bones.
She usually has bones in her crack.



As soon as I came in from work today my
wife threw her arms around me and
whispered in my ear."I'm so glad you're
home,my panties have been wet waiting for
you all day."
"Oh fuck," I replied."Don't tell me the
tumble drier has broken down again."