What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

Being expected to earn the main wage, keep the house clean, look after the kids, do washing, ironing, cooking, DIY around the house, fix the car AND somehow find time to keep in shape is a very tall order indeed

I've no idea how my wife pulls it off



Minute's silence observed in Liverpool to mark Hillsborough anniversary.

They almost got to 10 seconds before a car alarm went off.



Never trust hair dressers.

They are always talking behind your back.




The stranglers were originally an Ipswich group called The Suffolk Eight.




Marry wealthy celebrity. Tick.
Get nice new home. Tick.
Fuck hubby. Tick.
Have daughter. Tick.
Get career. Tick.
Divorce wealthy celebrity. Tick.
Keep nice new home. Tick.
Keep daughter. Tick.
Keep career. Tick.
Fuck hubby. Tick.

Bucket list of a wannabe comedienne.




Marcus Rashford has been playing for Man United this season

But we only have his word for that





Justine Trudau talked about "gay and trans rights" to the lovely Giorgia Meloni, and this conversation had her bored and disinterested with her vagina going dry as a board !!

In fairness, Justine has mostly only ever practiced his flirting game with men.





Religious types like to say that 'the most powerful position is on your knees'.

To be fair, that is where the phrase 'Oh Jesus, oh Jesus, oh Jesus' originated.



My Mum told me that she doesn’t want me to plaster my bedroom walls in posters of the Backstreet Boys.

But I want it that way






My wife insists I do her from behind. At least that way she can’t see me giving her the finger

Although I’m sure she can feel it




Whilst on holiday, my wife stripped down to her tighty-whities and asked if I "fancied a roll in the mud."

I came out of that feeling just like the pig-fucking hillbilly from "Deliverance"




If you're behind a funeral procession on a road and can't get past, are you allowed to undertake?





I've recently been diagnosed with having Coeliac Disease. The dietitian at the hospital told me to sign up to the Coeliac Society website for vital information on what's safe to eat and drink, and what to avoid. And I must say it's probably the worst website I've ever seen.

It keeps telling me to "accept cookies", but it doesn't fucking say if they're gluten free.




I burst into tears whilst cutting up an onion this morning. I imagine you would too if you’d been watching your wife suck off the milkman whilst you were doing it




Rumour has it Taylor Swift is endorsing Joe Biden.

Which makes a lot of sense because 90% of her songs are about choosing the wrong guy.



When I make a spliff they always come out perfect.

It's just how I roll.



Everyone saying we're on the brink of World War 3, is talking bollocks.

The French are nowhere near surrendering.

[Bikkie]

Venus Williams match against Trans woman cancelled .

I'm not playing a man !

Said the Trans woman.




Andrex advert: 47% of people are embarrassed to go to the toilet at work.
Presumably 53% don't give a shit.




Doctors treating Dyslexia have a new breakthrough, it's called Dailysex





My Dad always says "It's never too late to apologise".

Nice bloke and well respected by the other VAR officials.




I asked the man in the shop "Have you got any Bulldog clips?"

He replied "No, but I've got a nice video of a Jack Russell".




"Angela Rayner is "Toast"
And Meghan Markle is flogging jam for $30 a jar.

I think I'll fast for a day or two.





Who picks up guide dog shit?




Emile Cairess finishes third in the London Marathon behind Alexander Munyao and Kenenisa Bekele.

As improbable as a white man chasing two black guys through the streets of London.





For the last 3 days someone has been leaving lego blocks outside my front door....

I really don't know what to make of it....




At the London Marathon, (total distance 26 miles 385 yards), a 273-yard stretch of road is called Rainbow Row - dedicated to all the queers.

Seems a bit much.



Another London Marathon and discrimination comes to the fore again on the BBC.

They've shown a distinct lack of colour taking part and all the whites are chasing after the blacks.



Can't help thinking the Mirror headline "Tory MP's rent boy lover was in Britain illegally after being refused entry THREE TIMES" must be fake news.
Mark Menzies never refused a repeated entry.




You won't fucking believe this.
Am I seeing things?
I've just put the TV on and there are loads of black men running through London without a knife or handbag in sight.




There so much focus on the negative historical consequences of slavery but everyone conveniently ignores the long term benefits.

Take a look at the elite men’s category of the London Marathon.

A bunch of skinny black dudes being chased across London by a load of slower white men. When do we get our reparations for that?




When I first started learning to tattoo, I decided to tattoo myself first. Nothing extravagant to begin with, I just did a little number two.

I couldn’t help it, I was nervous and it really hurt.



I've decided to pimp out a couple of residents from the local covent


My pro nuns are Sister Mary / Sister Margaret



Robocop Directives

1987:

1) Serve the public trust
2) Protect the innocent
3) Uphold the law

2024:

1) Chase down 'offensive' Tweets




I know how to make a redhead scream all night.

I keep smacking her sunburn.



The twang of an elasticated suspender belt as she adjusts the height of her seamed silk stockings is a favourite sound to any heterosexual man in the bedroom.

For Wayne Rooney however, it’s the clunk of a pair of dentures as they hit the bottom of a glass of Sterident on the bedside table.




I don't understand why doctors keep demanding fair wages.

I've never seen a guy in a lab coat running dodgems or selling candy floss.




If life gives you Dyslexia.
Make Lyxsilade




My Dad reckons that people with body modifications are mentally ill, crying out for help, but never truly want to listen

Something like that anyway. Those tattoo guns are fucking LOUD


Someone told me I was bigoted.

I said thank you, but it's spelt R-A-T-I-O-N-A-L.





I've just won the 'most secretive person' award.


I can't tell you how much it means to me.


For all the rich cunts out there:

It's money, not mummy.



Just met a woke Persian.

His pronouns were xer/xes




I identify as Chinese and my pronouns are ching/chong.




Teaching European history to Chinese students isn't easy.

I started with Rollo and they all thought I was talking about an old Liverpool player.




Whenever Donald Trump's in town, someone always ends up getting burned.




I Bought 4 hot drinks going into work this morning, I dropped the coffee, dropped the hot chocolate and dropped the cappuccino! That’s me down to a Tea!




We're men. We grow old, not up.




A recent survey of Londoners asked whether there was any communication barriers given London's multicultural population. Two people complained the question was racist, whilst another 64,798 didn't understand English.




I've bought an instant digital language translator.

Perfect for my trip to London.




Music Trivia No 32-
ABBAs original title for'Dancing Queen' was,'Phwoar, Your Disco Fanny Stinks Love'..,but this was rejected by their record company for being too long.




Donald Trump is a poor person's idea of what a rich person looks like.



My girlfriend said, "When you ask me to marry you, you'd better have bought two carats."

I've just gone and got a whole bag from New World.

Wish me luck.

[Bikkie]

Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get you.....




What do you call an Irishman in a shampoo advert?

Tim O’Tay





In 3,026 years, life will either be really good or really bad.

It's 5050.




The Household Cavalry horses are being transferred to the Royal Engineers as they are so good at making a bolt.




I hope the injured horses running through London yesterday are now in a stable condition.




I won't need to advertise my new lip reading business.
It's all word of mouth...





A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar walked into a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered.


I said to my girlfriend, "Do you want to see me pull a really ugly face?"

She laughed and said, "Go on then".

So I grabbed hers.




"Another disjointed performance by an impotent disappointment."

Liverpool FC are pretty similar to my cock.




My mate just rang me and asked..."What do you know about, Shetland Ponies".

I replied..."Very little".




Daily Mail headline today

Masturbation might cut the risk of prostrate cancer claims expert and more is better.

Okay guys, off you go to the doctors,.
Get a prescription for 28 days treatment.
Now go visit a nurse of your choice.

Sorted





"Horses on the loose in Central London"


Nice to see Camilla & Anne get off their arses for once and do something



I told my fiance, "In a relationship, two incomes are better than one to ensure happiness."

"So," I said, "you need to find a second job."



My new girlfriend works in a fish market and has a very strong accent. Anyway, she refused to partake in sex with me recently because she has a "haddock".



Look out for the revamped musical, Black Annie.

And the smash hit song, It's The Hard-Lock Knife.




Walked in my bedroom just now and caught my girlfriend, legs apart jilling off.

Bloody hell, I now know where the expression " Beating around the bush" comes from.




Which ethnic group starts smoking at the earliest age?

Gingers. They start smoking as soon as they go out in the sun.



I was getting a lot of grief from my kids about political correctness. They hated it whenever I told them I was off to the 'Paki shop', they insisted that I stop and, for the sake of a quiet life, I agreed.

Anyway, can I get anyone anything? I'm just nipping down to the newsasians.



How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb?
Who wants to know?



I can't believe I met a gay today who wasn't full of himself.

Just some other bloke.



Mum tells you not to get tattoos because they're "expensive and permament".

Mum also insists you get married and have children.


July is the best month because it sounds pretty close to jew-lie, and is therefore more honest than any other month.



Just been watching that video on social media of the story of Joey, an albino brown bear with white fur.

When environmentalists found Joey in the Canadian forest where he lived, they thought he was a wandering polar bear and had him tranquilised and sent 'home' to the Arctic, where he suffered terribly in the freezing conditions.

When they realised their mistake they brought him home, and dyed his fur brown.

Unfortunately, someone reported seeing a 'dirty' polar bear in the forest, and he was captured again, this time being taken to a zoo and put in the polar bear enclosure.

When the other polar bears realised he wasn't one of their kind, they attacked and badly injured him.

The vet treating his injuries realised he was actually an albino brown bear, and so after he recovered they had him transferred to the brown bear enclosure.

Where the other bears stabbed him and nicked his wallet.



Just bought a pond full of carp from eBay for £100.
What a load of shit.
Turns out the seller was dyslexic....





Everyone at my Scrabble club is transphobic! They wouldn't let me play "xyr"!





Those first two guys who thought Superman was a bird or a plane...?
What the fuck were they so excited about?




I got the wrong end of the stick when my 67 year old neighbour Margaret said she ‘needed some sugar in a hurry’

Turns out all she wanted was a cup of sugar




lets see, would i rather subject myself to watching the new dr who or looking at diane abbots fanny? tough call



My surname is Goodyear and, in an astonishing twist of coincidence, I started dating a certain Ms Dunlop.

We were due to get married but, sadly, at the last minute she let me down.




A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you can ever hear.

Unless it's 3am.
And you're home alone.
And you don't have a baby.



It's good having a doctor for a best friend. It has made it much easier for me to claim benefits for three kids who don't exist.



I was making my own Vietnamese rolls at a table in a restaurant when I heard:

"Fuck yo nigga, cause yo nigga ain't me,
Ole broke ass nigga ain't none like me"

So I called over the waitress and said to her:

'I think there is a mistake with the order.
Instead of giving me rice paper, you've given me wrapping paper."