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Thread: What's your sickest joke?

  1. #2011
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    Breaking News :

    Prince Harry critical of
    early relationship with
    Father.
    Yes, because he wanted
    a girl not a big girl's
    blouse you balding ginger
    whinging snowflake
    tosspot.


    Prince Harry has
    compared growing up in
    the Royal Family to living
    in a zoo, which ironically
    is where he met his wife.


    Only Princess Harry
    could go and make such
    a specific statement like
    that he never rode on the
    back of his dads bike,
    appealing for symphony
    from the everyman, 25
    minutes before they
    release a picture of him
    on the back of his dads
    bike being chauffeured
    around the family estate.
    If he starts sobbing about
    how he never got to shag
    Emma Watson im going to
    find him and I am going to
    slap him.


    David lcke has thrown
    me out of the guild of
    Conspiracy Theorists after
    just 18 months.
    They don't like it when
    they come true, apparently.


    Police have apologised for
    mistakenly arresting a fan
    after The Wolves v Man Utd
    game for chanting monkey
    noises at Rio Ferdinand
    who was in the stands
    commentating on the
    match.
    Turns out it was just
    Marcus Rashford shouting
    up to see if Rio fancied
    joining him for a drink
    afterwards.


    I got asked what was the
    most politically correct
    thing I'd ever heard,
    "Easy," I replied, "all
    politicians are cunts."


    How many Indians does
    it take to change a light
    blub?
    2 million. 1 to change
    the blub and 1,999,999 to
    overrun the country dilute
    it's heritage, traditions and
    society, swamp the NHS
    and the universities, and
    fuck any chances of the
    prosperous that life your
    forefathers built for your
    children.

  2. #2012
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    Spider-Man, for those of
    you who haven’t seen
    it, here is a brief plot
    summary.

    A teenage boy gets bitten
    by a spider.
    When he awakens next
    day he realises his body
    has undergone several
    changes.
    His body strength has
    increased significantly,
    particularly his arms
    which allow his to grip
    any surface.
    Also, he can now shoot
    white smelly sticky stuff
    out of his body.


    Can't wait till this
    Pandemic's over. First
    thing I'm going to do is
    visit my local cinema...
    They're showing the Mask.

  3. #2013
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    Just to let you know I had the Russian
    Covid-19 vaccination yesterday and I can
    honestly tell you there are absolutely no
    negative sideffski efectovski secundariosvki
    kto Mo 'lke-3To npouNTaTb O60 ' Tka Ho
    BnaANMNpa #nyTNHa!


    "Prince Philip 'leaves three
    key staff money in his
    £30m will'..."
    I can understand him
    leaving money to his
    footmen, but can't
    understand what he
    left that chambermaid
    £50,000 and a lifetime
    subscription to PornHub.


    BBC News "County lines :
    1,100 people arrested in
    UK crackdown.
    The head of the police
    operation said his
    previous experience on
    the Dukes of Hazzard was
    a great help.


    The BBC has. commissioned a new
    reality TV series based
    around a group of moped
    riding barely employed
    Pakis living in Manchester.
    It's called "keeping up
    with the DoorDash-ians"


    "India YouTuber arrested
    for 'flying' dog with helium
    balloons".
    His flying dog trick
    is nowhere near as
    spectacular as his hot dog
    trick.


    After Pochettino failed to
    win the league title with
    PSG in France, Tottenham
    Hotspur want him to
    return to England and fail
    to win the league title with
    them.


    What's the difference
    between Man united and
    driving a car?
    You're still in the game in
    a car after 11 penalties.


    Why did they make
    Courteney Cox?
    Because Lisa Kudrow.


    BREAKING NEWS :
    Duke and Duchess of
    Cambridge stopped for
    fish and chips in Scotland.
    The last time William
    was in Scotland he wore
    Tartan.
    The last time Harry stayed
    in Scotland he ordered a
    Tartan room.
    And got both.

  4. #2014
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    At 72,how does Francis
    Rossi manage to maintain
    the status quo


    Sir David Attenborough
    announces his latest
    endangered species
    documentary and cause.
    It is called "saving the Last
    White British Humans."


    "Chelsy Davy confessed
    relationship with Prince
    Harry was 'scary and
    uncomfortable"
    He wanted her to dress
    as a minstrel wear black
    face, and call him Massr
    when they had sex.

  5. #2015
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    20 years ago "Doing a
    Giggsy" meant dropping
    your shoulder and leaving
    the full back for dead.
    Fast forward to now and
    it means dropping the
    nut on the skank you are
    shagging because she's
    on the rag and doesn't
    fancy a threesome.


    I got into a row with
    a Maori earlier when
    he saw my tattoo and
    accused me of cultural
    appropriation.
    Did I mention he was
    speaking English.


    Ironically, I only hire
    whites and Asians on my
    farm.
    I dare not put a scythe in
    the hands of a black man.


    Well done Manchester City
    and Manchester United
    on maintaining social
    distancing from European
    trophies.


    "Prince Harry suffers huge
    US backlash - 'If you don't
    like it here, head back to
    Britain."
    Fuck off we've just got rid
    of him!



    Why pay advertising fees
    for 2 gaylords to advertise
    Magnums using the
    medium of dance?
    Just name it, Fagnum.
    There, it wasn't difficult.

  6. #2016
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    A pilot almost crashed
    claiming a passenger
    tried to grab hold of his
    controls.
    There's nothing wrong in
    having a feel around in
    another mans cockpit.
    Ooooooh


    From what I've read in
    various publications it
    would seem that Marianne
    Faithful wasn't..

    "Three child policy won’t
    solve China’s birth rate
    crisis, say experts."
    They're not trying to.
    solve it, they're trying to
    outbreed India.

  7. #2017
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  8. #2018
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    There's a guy at my work
    who's got one leg shorter
    than the other, we call him
    the snipers nightmare.


    Breaking news : Scientists
    have discovered that
    bears shit in the woods.
    In other news : Letting in
    3,000 people a week in
    the build up to eventually
    banning flights from India,
    is responsible for the
    growth of the India variant
    in UK.


    I had a Gucci tattooed on
    my ball sack.
    Just in case the missus
    starts mithering for a
    designer bag again.


    Ministry of Defence's new
    diversity chief takes aim
    at armed forces "Sexist"
    ranks including rifleman,
    airshipman, and airman
    She must be a petty officer.


    BREAKING NEWS : Heinz
    spends £140m as ketchup
    production returns to UK
    after 20 years.
    Heinz, fed up with having
    It's ketchup bottles
    squeezed by the EU, is
    moving to the UK where
    They get their bottoms
    smacked.


    WHO renames the Indian
    variant 'Covid Delta'
    as all mutant strains
    are rebranded to avoid
    'geographic stigma'.
    Now everyone hates
    Greece.


    Fed up? Bored? Need a
    fresh challenge?
    Well forget scuba diving,
    abseiling or learning to
    play an instrument. Try
    mastering wiping your
    arse with your other hand.


    I was asked earlier today
    what was the best piece
    of advice I was given.
    Apparently never go down
    on a nigger wasn't what
    the interview panel was
    expecting to hear.
    Fuck em. Didn't want to
    work for The BBC anyway.


    June is, "Gay Pride,"
    month.
    I don't mind them being
    gay but I don't want a
    whole month of them
    ramming it down my
    throat!


    It's gay pride month
    prepare to be bumbarded
    with the crap on TV and
    social media...


    Jonathan Ross, wanting
    to know what seed Andy
    Murray would be at this
    year's Wimbledon, asked
    how he ranks.
    The official response
    from the All England
    Lawn Tennis and Croquet
    Club is; "Like any other
    miserable ginger Scottish
    cunt, with his right hand."


    What's the difference
    between Jesse Lingard
    and Mr T?
    Well they're both black
    and they ain't gettin on no
    plane.


    I'm being accused at work
    of being an Enoch-Powell
    type of racist reactionary
    by the new Diversity-Initiative
    people to the
    degree I'm told I could
    be imminently facing the
    sack, so to make a show
    of liking the "vibrant"
    ethnic woke culture like
    They want to see I've made
    a point to start wearing a
    hoodie!
    I haven't had much luck
    though and I'm still getting
    a lot of criticism that
    my hoodie is "white and
    comes to a very high point
    at the top."

  9. #2019
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    Sick text jokes

    "Sarah Ferguson Bombshell On Prince Harry!!"
    Fuck me, did she shag him as well?


    Prince Andrew drove through traveller site set
    up outside the gates of Windsor castle.
    With Ghislaine Maxwell inside, he has to find
    his own.


    That Indian variant is
    spreading quicker than
    Katie Price's legs.


    England v Austria and the
    pitch looks well watered.
    It was a good decision to
    interview Harry Kane on it.


    It was Quenten’s birthday
    last week so I invited him
    to come on a bender.


    Right now, I would say
    that Covid is more popular
    than any Muslim.


    Why do Muslims always
    win races?
    Because they fast.


    Just got an email from
    Ticketmaster :
    Guns 'n' Roses are playing
    at Tottenham Hotspur
    stadium
    I hope they win.

  10. #2020
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    Should the IPL cricket be
    resumed?
    The UAE have offered to
    supply the venues.
    China has offered to
    supply the bats.
    Decisions Decisions.


    England Cricketers - when
    on the field make sure you
    turn your collar up and
    wear as much sun block
    as you would if you were
    in the middle of fucking
    Calcutta. It makes you
    look really cool.


    Prince Andrew drove
    through the Traveller
    camp outside Windsor
    Castle. We all need
    someone to feel superior
    to.
    Thought the Travellers


    BREAKING NEWS :
    Virgin Radio launches a
    dedicated station for the
    LGBT community
    The playlist will consist
    of Chaka Khan 'I'm Every
    Woman'.... ON a loop.


    Virgin Radio have
    announced their new
    dedicated LGBT radio
    channel.
    The station where they rip
    the knob off for you.


    New British Tank unable
    to reverse over objects
    over 8 inches and unable
    to be driven safely over 20
    mph.
    Solution found as now
    British Army buying new
    French tanks ( that can
    overcome any obstacle
    when reversing and can
    also travel at 50 mph in
    reverse ) and putting turret
    on back to front.


    As I sat there scratching
    my ass, and spying on
    my neighbour washing he
    beaver, one thing crossed
    my mind.
    We have really weird pets
    in my neighbourhood.


    I saw something
    extremely rare in London
    today.
    A black man using a knife
    to cut food on his plate.

  11. #2021
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    Having been replaced as
    8th in line to the throne by
    Harry's new baby, Prince
    Andrew has said that he
    doesn't really mind being
    right behind a little girl.


    Meghan and Harry have
    named their daughter
    Lilibet.
    I'll wager their next son
    will be called Fred.


    So another royal baby is
    born.
    As a celebration I must
    bake some chocolate
    chimp cookies.


    So the new royal niglet is
    called Lilibet, in honour of
    Meghan's great, great, great
    grandmother and wife of
    Kunte Kinte.


    Meghan and Harry have
    named their daughter
    Lilibet.
    Sounds more like
    Ladbroke's odds on how
    white the kid was gonna
    be.


    Lilibet was born at
    11:40am local time 19 :40
    BST, weighed 7 lbs 11 oz
    and is now "settling in at
    home."
    She is the Queen's 11th
    great-grandchild and is
    eighth in line to the throne.
    Nevermind all that... Just
    tell us the shade.


    After announcing the birth
    of their daughter, Harry
    and Meghan revealed
    she came into the world
    saying Piers Morgan is a
    cunt.


    "Harry and Megan
    announce birth of baby
    daughter - with name to
    honour Queen and Diana"
    Something tells me 'Er
    Indoors won't be too
    happy with Elizabeth
    Beyonce Shaniqua Diana
    Windsor.


    Harry and Meghan' s new
    born daughter really is the
    full set.
    She is a ginger, posh, baby,
    definitely scary, but at
    the moment probably not
    sporty.


    Harry and Meghan take
    parental leave from their
    jobs after revealing the
    birth of daughter Lilibet
    Diana.
    They were very lucky to
    get their leave approved
    from that 'Doing Fuck All
    Pty Ltd' outfit.


    The new royal baby has
    been named Jamie Hewitt
    Mountbatten-Windsor in
    honour of her grandfather


    If Harry and Meghan got the
    name of Lilliput, from
    reading Jonathan Swift's
    book
    Gulliver's Travels. Then
    thank goodness they did not
    read Herman Melville's
    Moby Dick!


    BREAKING NEWS : Proud
    father Prince Harry
    registered new domain for
    Lilibet Diana royal baby
    name
    GO DADDY.


    I was in this whorehouse
    and before the lovemaking
    began I changed into a
    giant novelty tampon
    costume.
    "What the fuck are you
    supposed to be?". she asked.
    "Prince Charles."


    Donald Trump speech
    in N. Carolina, "2020
    election was Crime of the
    Century."
    I thought that was
    Super Trump.


    In America, far-right
    religtard Fox News -
    watching mugs are
    proclaiming that August
    will see 'the Second
    coming of President
    Trump.'
    If there's any justice in this
    world, he'll be receiving a
    'second coming' from his
    cellmate by then.


    Just seen an advert
    for BT's Hope United
    campaign against hate
    in football featuring
    Henderson Rashford and
    Bale.
    I'm afraid I just can't
    get on board with this,
    because the only time
    I use the words Hope
    and United in the same
    sentence is in conjuction
    with the words I, fucking
    and Lose.


    Tom Cruise has to self
    isolate after 14 people
    tested positive for covid.
    Tom is reportedly furious
    and the set director said
    "Fuck off Tom you cunt"


    The Russian army orders
    100k rubbers from a US
    company, specifying 12"
    fit needed.
    The US firm fills the order
    with packaging marked
    "MEDIUM."


    There's a new version
    of Liam Neeson film
    where his daughter is
    abducted, this time with a
    black actor.
    Token.


    Indiana Jones 5 starring
    Harrison Ford 78,is
    set to finally begin after
    long delays installing
    wheelchair access.

  12. #2022
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    In North Korea if you are
    found watching TV shows
    deemed unsuitable it is
    now punishable by public
    execution.
    I thought this was harsh
    until my wife said, "Ooh!
    The Masked Singer is on
    later!"


    The BBC is fucking shit,
    they couldn't pay me to
    watch the shite they churn
    out under the guise of
    'Entertainment ".
    Unless of course they do
    ' The Masked Pornstars '


    " Take it off!
    "Take it off!
    " Take it off!
    They all shouted.
    "If you don't mind I'm
    trying to rob this bank,
    Shut the fuck up!"


    "Websites begin to
    work again after major
    breakage."
    Luckily horseporn.com
    was not affected so my
    morning has been pretty
    standard.


    Aardman Animations
    announced a remake
    of their classic
    'The Wrong Trousers, with
    a guest appearance by
    Donald Trump.


    There's a new variant of
    Covid in the USA they are
    calling the' Trump ' variant.
    It only affects people
    wearing adult diapers.


    Andy Murray's missus is
    divorcing him because
    every time he's about to
    enter he pulls out...


    What has Radiohead and
    BLM got in common?
    A lot of crying and
    moaning with no real
    purpose or meaning.

  13. #2023
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    News Hollywood is
    developing a Black
    superman movie.

    I can see the jokes
    now.

    * He's the Man of Steal.

    * He really was
    abandoned by his parents
    as a baby.

    * His krytonite is an
    honest day's work.

    * He uses X-ray vision to
    evaluate cash points.

    * He is able to leap tall
    buildings while evading
    the police.

    * He's faster than a
    speeding bullet in chatting
    up fat blonde slags.

    * He can stop a
    locomotive while robbing
    all the passengers.

    * He uses a phone box
    because his mobile was
    cancelled.

    * He sold his parent's farm
    to pay his gambling debts.

    * His gang is called Crips
    Tonight.

    * He can only see his kids
    with supervision.

    * His birthplace has been
    changed to Cape Town.

    * He got sacked from
    the Daily Planet for poor
    grammar.

    * He's Jimmy Olsen's only
    Black friend.

    * He refers to Lois Lane as
    his prison bitch.

    * All the White
    superheroes know they
    can't measure up.



    Lilibet...
    Because "paddy power"
    was deemed a bit too Irish
    and bet365 was taken.


    Harry wages war with The
    BBC. A bit insensitive of
    him. She probably just
    has a bit of post natal
    depression.


    The Queen is allegedly
    outraged at the Duke
    and Duchess of Sussex’s
    decision to name their
    new baby after her
    childhood nickname,
    Scheming witch.


    All this fuss about
    whether or not the Queen
    gave permission for
    'Lilibet'!
    For fuck sakes, they were going
    to call her a nigger name
    before Oprah turned them
    down.


    Lil lbet. The new west
    coast Rapper.


    The football Association
    has appointed a new
    woman boss, Debbie
    Hewitt........
    Expect rule changes for
    the goal minder.


    The England and Wales
    Cricket Board has vowed
    to take "relevant and
    appropriate action" after
    questions were raised
    publicly about historical
    tweets from several
    England players.
    They must be employing
    Facebook moderators.


    "Ooh don't be so silly, my
    wife giggled," I don't know
    anything about football. "
    " That's OK, " the BT Sport
    produces said, " You'll fit
    right in with the rest of our
    female pundits.


    "The England Cricket
    Team have gone too far in
    suspending Ollie Robinson
    and accusing him of
    making racist tweets.
    We are a multiculturally
    sensitive family who
    pride ourselves on social
    awareness"
    Said his brother, Tommy.

  14. #2024
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    Piracy is killing the music
    industry.
    You try playing the guitar
    with a hook...


    Gay Pride Month. A whole
    month where gays can
    be proud of something
    they had no control over
    because they've got fuck
    all else going for them.


    I don't know why the
    gays get a whole month,
    I thought they were the
    masters of packing a lot
    into a very small space.


    Barbie is being made into
    a film by the BBC.
    Dianne Abbott has been
    offered the lead role.


    News: Washington state
    offers free joints to people
    who get the jab.
    So far, I've been
    vaccinated 7 times.


    So, there is new
    strain of Marijuana called
    Grassy Knoll...
    It is sure to blow your
    mind.


    When it comes to
    women's cricket how
    many ovaries are there?


    Do women cricketers
    enjoy a full toss in the
    crease and the umpires
    finger going up?


    Gary Glitter is being
    allowed to help out at a
    nursery to integrate him
    into society and live a
    healthier lifestyle.... He'll
    be getting five of his one
    a day.


    I see a crocodile and
    president Macron have
    both been smacked in the
    face on the same day.
    I can understand why
    someone would want to
    hit a horrible dangerous
    reptile but why would
    anyone try and hurt a
    crocodile?


    Man slaps french
    president Macron then
    screams "s'il te plait ne
    me blesse pas" ( that
    means 'please dont hurt
    me ) it's the French war cry.


    French president Macron
    has been slapped in the
    face y a man shouting
    "Montjoie Saint Denis!",
    the battle cry of the
    French army.
    This is astonishing news.
    The French army have a
    battle cry?


    Some people say football
    is their religion.
    Because it's still a really
    good way to exclude
    women and homosexuals.


    I heard something
    unbelievable today that
    the biggest cause of
    death during Covid
    lockdowns has been
    "Dementia and isolation,"
    especially amongst the
    elderly.
    It seems to me like it
    should have been "covid."


    A farmer in Wales has
    trained his sheep to sing
    the songs of a famous
    Irish band. He now plans
    to take them on tour.
    Ewe 2 will be performing
    in Cardiff next month.


    Boris got back to number
    10 after a week of lying
    and cheating only to find
    Cliff Richard waiting for
    him,
    "What the fuck are you
    doing here? Where's my
    missus?" Said Boris
    "She fucked off," Said
    Cliff, "Carrie doesn't live
    here anymore."

  15. #2025
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    I can’t believe a bunch
    of idiots were letting
    fireworks off last night six
    months early!
    My poor dog was going
    nuts and knocked my
    Christmas tree over.


    Under a new diversity
    reorganisation Ikea have
    now opened the doors
    for people with reduced
    mental capacities to work
    there.
    So it won't only be the
    product with a few
    screws missing then.


    LA TIMES : Women in
    South Korea are mocking
    men's penises in resurgent
    Feminist movement.
    Very progressive. It won't
    be long before they catch
    up with western feminists
    and start hating women.

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