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Thread: What's your sickest joke?

  1. #1996
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    22nd October 2020 - 17:03
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    Smile Sick text jokes

    Things were getting
    steamy with the wife on
    the sofa in front of the
    TV just now and she said,
    "Put something dirty and
    Filthy while you fuck me.
    I want to watch it go off
    too."
    So on went the football and
    I told her to watch Sergio
    Ramos.


    On a recent trip to the
    grim north of England,
    Katie Price contacted the
    players at two football
    Clubs.
    Rochdale because she
    heard they were experts at
    going down.
    And Newcastle because
    they always stayed up
    longer than anyone
    expected.


    No wonder American kids
    are on so many drugs.
    They go to high school.


    My daughter's not happy
    with me even though I did
    just what I thought she'd
    fucking want and tried to
    spend the day connecting
    with her useless black
    boyfriend Jamal!
    She stormed, "HOW DARE
    you try and bring him
    along to your Civil War
    reenactment, with you as
    Stonewall Jackson and
    him as your subservient
    field slave!"


    I saw on the news a
    woman in Morocco gave
    birth to 9 babies
    welcome to the world
    Muhammad Muhammad
    Muhammad Muhammad
    Muhammad Muhammad
    Muhammad Muhammad
    and ( correction it’s only 8 the
    9th was a girl so it doesn’t
    count )


    Harry and Meghan call for
    'vaccine giveaway' : Couple
    writes an open letter to
    CEOs of Pfizer, AZ, and
    Moderna demanding they
    share jab patents with
    Poor countries.
    Although, please hold off
    until our share sale goes
    through.


    Melinda got the house but
    Bill kept the windows.


    I was shocked to hear
    about the COVID virus on
    Mount Everest. I thought
    it had reached its
    peak.


    I was going to make
    a joke about Bill and
    Melinda Gates, but I
    thought it might be to PC.


    In India the dot system
    is used to tell men from
    women. It makes sense as they
    can't easily do our better
    system - beard or no
    beard.

  2. #1997
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    Smile Sick text jokes

    Mother's Day is going to
    be awkward this year.
    It coincides with Steak and
    Blowjob Day.


    I wonder if Elton John's
    kids were able to find a
    "Happy Mother's Gay"
    card?

  3. #1998
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    Sick text jokes

    BBC's Glamping
    weather guy Owain
    Wyn Evans was asked
    what was his favourite
    song.... he said, "It would
    have to be that song
    by The Weather girls
    obviously....
    I'm draining men
    ooooooo"


    What do blacks and
    bicycles have in common?
    They both have chains.


    Red Hot Chili Peppers
    to sell their entire music
    catalogue for $140 million
    upwards.
    I thought they'd Give It
    Away...


    The wife just rushed in, all smiles,
    saying she found her wedding dress
    and she can still fit in it.
    I haven't the heart to tell her it's the
    marquee.


    "I could eat that again." Great
    compliment at a dinner party... but say
    that as a gynaecologist and you are
    in a whole world of shit.


    Just failed my application to get onto
    The Chase
    Q: Who won the first Tour De France.
    Apparently the 42nd Panzer
    Regiment was incorrect.


    Made a right tit of myself when the
    new boss introduced himself earlier.
    Turns out Neil was his name not
    a command.


    I found out about my new girlfriend's
    alopecia the hard way, by pulling on her
    hair while she gave me a
    blowjob.
    It's putting me right off my stride,
    she looks like a monk down there now.


    I used to work in the Cafe at a nudist
    colony, and I was the most popular guy
    there. Mainly because I could carry
    two cups of coffee, and a dozen
    doughnuts at she same time.


    Arsenal are to change
    their shit sponsorship
    from 'Fly Emirates' to
    'Brexit'


    England have redesigned
    the 3 Lions badge to
    reflect diversity and
    inclusivity.
    One of the Lions has
    Raheem Sterling in it's
    month, with Prince Phillip
    aiming his safari rifle, as it
    flees.


    "History was made on
    Friday with the first
    ever all gay @USNavy
    helicopter crew."
    Quinten, I heard they have
    a really well lubricated
    main shaft.
    Oooooooh.


    I've just heard Quentin
    Crisp has moved into a
    haunted house.
    Obviously hoping to have
    the willies put up him
    Whoooooooo.


    Natasha Asghar is the
    first woman of colour to
    be elected into the Welsh
    Parliament.
    I bet she still feels like the
    black sheep.


    This is Wayne Rooney's
    Favourite time of year.
    He loves the bottom half
    of May.
    And then he can't wait to
    get on top of June.


    "My friend Julie is having
    an Eastenders themed
    fancy dress on Saturday
    night, I was thinking of
    going as Pat Butcher, do
    you fancy it?" My girlfriend
    asked.
    "Can I be Frank?" l replied.
    "Of course you can..." she
    laughed.
    "No, I don't fancy it,". I
    replied, "Your friend Julie's
    a cunt."

  4. #1999
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    Smile Sick text jokes

    BBC NEWS : Lesbianism
    in Britain has increased
    every year since 1972.
    In completely unrelated
    news, I was born in 1972.


    "We will be hugging and
    kissing indoors from
    Monday at 5pm". Boris
    Johnson confirms.
    Fuck, that's all we need.
    He thinks all women are
    called indoors.

  5. #2000
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    22nd October 2020 - 17:03
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    Smile Puns

    1. The fattest knight at
    King Arthur's round table
    was Sir Cumference. He
    ate too much pi.

    2. I thought I saw an eye
    doctor on an Alaskan
    island, but it was an
    optical Aleutian.

    3. She was only a whiskey
    maker, but he loved her
    still.

    4. A rubber band pistol
    was confiscated from
    algebra class as a weapon
    of maths disruption.

    5. No matter how much
    you push the envelope, it
    remains stationary.

    6. A dog gave birth in the
    park and was cited for
    littering.

    7. A grenade thrown
    into a kitchen in France
    would result in Linoleum
    Blown apart.


    8. Two silk worms had a
    race. They ended up in a
    tie.

    9. A hole was found in
    a nudist camp wall. The
    police are looking into it.

    10. Time flies like an
    arrow. Fruit flies like a
    banana.

    11. Atheism is a non-profit
    organisation.

    12. Two hats were
    hanging on a hat rack. One
    said : "You stay here, I'll go
    on a head."

    13. I wondered why the
    cricket ball kept getting
    bigger. Then it hit me.

    14. Lawn signs at a drugs
    rehab centre : Keep off
    The Grass.

    15. The midget fortune -
    teller who escaped from
    prison was a small
    medium at large.

    16. A soldier who survived
    mustard gas and pepper
    spray is a seasoned
    veteran.

    17. A backward poet
    writes inverse.

    18. In a democracy, it's
    your vote that counts. In
    feudalism, it's your count
    that votes.

    19. When cannibals eat
    a missionary, they get a
    taste of religion.

    20. If you jumped off a
    bridge in Paris, you'd be in
    Seine.

    21. A vulture boards an
    airplane carrying two
    dead raccoons. The flight
    attendant says, "I'm sorry,
    Sir, only one carrion is
    allowed per passenger."

    22. Two fish swim into a
    concrete wall. One says,
    "Dam!"

    23. Infidelity is a sin. You
    can't have your Kate and
    Edith too.

    24. Two hydrogen atoms
    meet. One says, "I've lost
    my electron. The other
    says," Are you sure? " The
    first replies," Yes I'm
    positive. "

    25. Buddhists who refuse
    painkillers during a root
    canal seek to transcend
    dental medication.

  6. #2001
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    Sick text jokes

    What's the difference
    between ed sheeran and
    man city?
    Ed Sheeran's fans go and
    watch him play ( and can
    fill a stadium )


    Jesy Nelson left little mix
    because she says the
    pressure off looking as
    good as the other girls not
    to her.
    Ironic two of her band
    mates will end up fatter
    than she is with sagging
    tits.


    Spike Lee has announced
    that he is doing a new
    boxing documentary, this
    time Orlando Cruz, the
    world's first openly gay
    boxer.
    When We Were Queens is
    expected to be released
    this year.


    - THE COVID-19
    PANDEMIC -
    The Pessimist ;
    I got furloughed then
    lost my job the price
    of toilet rolls and hand
    sanitiser went through
    the roof, I couldn't go to
    Marbella, I couldn't get a
    Big Mac, the cinema and
    Wetherspoons were shut,
    Xmas was shit and my
    Nan died.
    Tho optimist;
    Everyone had such nice
    clean hands!


    At a hearing at High
    Wycombe Magistrates
    Court on Tuesday, April
    27,the court heard how
    Helen O'callaghan... was
    Caught on a speed camera
    driving at 57mph...in
    a 30mph limit... in a
    Porsche... she pleaded
    guilty and was fined 660
    ordered to pay 156 costs
    and had six points put
    on her licence. A note
    on the court document
    stated that she would
    not receive a driving ban
    because of the impact it
    could have on production
    of the AstraZeneca
    Coronavirus vaccine,
    Stating "Mitigating
    circumstances : bench
    find exceptional hardship
    - it is a condition of Ms
    O'callaghan's employment
    and in the current
    circumstances, if she
    were to be disqualified,
    it could adversely
    affect production of the
    AstraZeneca vaccine."
    She's Vice President,
    Head of Quality at Oxford
    Biomedica. Lets see-that
    involves ensuring that
    people apply controls
    correctly and follow
    processes and rules...
    Respect to her brief,
    though, for the original
    and topical excuse.

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