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Thread: What's your sickest joke?

  1. #2656
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    If there are more than two genders, why are there only two options for a sex change?




    A practical joke for a change - Folks. Amazon Alexa devices don't have any kind of security when it comes to setting things like alarms and reminders, so if you ever find yourself alone with one, try saying something like "Alexa......... Set a reminder for 8pm on [Some random date in the following month] that it's my turn to bring anal lube for the next pedo dungeon club meeting".
    You can also add things to the owners Amazon shopping list by just saying something like "Alexa.......... Add a 10" inflatable butt plug, latex catsuit, and nipple clamps to my shopping list".
    Once you realise the sort of crap you can do with an unsupervised Alexa, the possibilities are endless.



    Saw a rare bird today.

    A woman changing her own flat tyre




    Did you hear about the bouncy castle that ended up beyond repair after being exposed to those Asian grooming gangs?


    It was badly let down by the authorities




    People think The Rolling Stones were wild crazy rockstars because one time they threw a TV out of a window.

    Well I think Eric Clapton one-upped them.


    Trump wins and tells Joe 'you're fired,'
    Then sets about getting everyone hired,
    Puts an end to the war in twenty four,
    Zelensky's mad, but its not all bad.
    The missiles aren't flying,,so we're not dying.
    Bc Putin doesn't start the third world war,
    And you and I can exist some more.



    A black man shopping for paint with his four-year-old son says he was racially profiled and refused service at Hobbycraft after staff said he may use the paint for 'doing graffiti'.

    He told reporters, 'That's some bullshit right there, we was just gonna huff the motherfucker.'


    Back when I was a kid, if you played up in class, they'd diagnose you as having "Attention Deficit Disorder", and zonk you out with Ritalin. It seems barbaric that we'd do that to kids........

    So thank god we now live in more enlightened times, where if a boy plays up in class, they just convince him that he's a girl, then chop "HER" bollocks off !!!




    What have the Ukraine war & Prince Andrew got in common?


    They're both entering a third year




    I was approached in the street and asked, "Excuse me, as a non-binary being, I'm representing The All-Gender Gathering. Would you like to take our survey or sign our petition for recognition and equality?"

    I replied, "I cant. I only help men or women."





    The wife was stopped on her bike by a copper.

    He asked, "Where's your helmet?"

    She replied, "He's at home picking his arse."



    I bought the wife a new Suzuki jeep.

    So delighted, she's telling everyone loudly from its roof.

    Or, shouting from the Jimney top.



    Fuck paying up front for cremations.

    Tell them you want click and collect.




    Why do politicians lie?

    Because when they tell the truth they get sacked and called racist by self-loathing arseholes on Twitter


    i've got a bit in common with the lunar lander.

    Still functioning after falling on my side leaving the pub.




    I remember years ago reading about how some monkeys were actually intelligent enough to use tools to get food. I've found it astounding to see how quickly they've evolved in their tool using abilities.
    Since back then, they've also learnt to use knives to get money/jewellery, and pens to get benefit payments !


    How'd you lose a black man in a car park?

    Leave your car unlocked.



    We were watching a film on the telly when all of a sudden the bloke lifts the woman onto the kitchen top and starts to make love to her,

    "Yeah, right, " said the wife, " as if that happens. "

    "I totally agree, " I replied, "the only thing that gets fucked in our kitchen is the food. "




    When pulling the stalk from an apple, does anyone else imagine they're about to throw a hand grenade at the Muslim in work?




    I don't know what's more shocking. The fact a big WW2 bomb lay undiscovered in a Plymouth garden for over 70 years or the fact the thousands of evacuated residents returned home to find migrants hadn't been moved in.



    In a restaurant, I ordered a bottle of water, a glass of wine and two steaks.

    "Still water?" The waiter asked me.

    "Yes," I replied, "I've not changed my mind."



    What do Will & Jada Smith have in common?

    They both slap other men's cheeks.




    I adore snorting cocaine off the cheeks of my girlfriends beautiful arse.

    That's the bottom line.


    I was first introduced to a Japanese prostitute when she gave me a full body oily massage.

    Ever since then, I've been on a slippery slope

  2. #2657
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    Smile Sick Musician Jokes

    Was listening to some U2 songs with everything mutted except the guitars.
    Very Edgy sound.




    Was listening to some U2 songs with all the guitars muted.
    Kinda takes the edge off it.





    I'm playing my music loud this morning,my neighbour loves it.
    He keeps banging on the wall requesting Sunday Bloody Sunday.





    The singer,Bono,was called up for jury service.He was in a room with others.The clerk entered and pointed at people.
    "Right,I want You,you,you,you,you,you,you,you and pointing at Bono......YOU TOO"





    I've been playing a lot of 'Bonopoly' recently.It's a bit like'Monopoly' but where the streets have no names...





    I went for a job at a large building constructors and they asked if I had vertigo.I said,"Oh yes I do,although not one of U2's finest songs though."





    Rick Wakeman is on the verge of recruiting thr U2 guitarist for a new version of his classic Yes album.
    He's close To The Edge.





    I've listened to some of the great lead guitarists for many years,Hendrix,Clapton,Buckingham to name but a few,but that guy from U2 has just got the Edge.





    Opened my fridge and thought I heard the spring onions doing Bee Gees numbers,but it was just the chives talkin'





    I went to a medieval jousting tournamentwith Barry Gibb and I saw him put on this huge gauntlet.
    I aked him,How deep is your glove? And that's when he wrote the song......
    ....Tragedy.





    I can't stop listening to music by the Bee Gees.
    Doctor says I've got Saturday Night Fever.





    Did you know, the urge to sing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is only a whim away?





    Just found out the Scottish guy who lives next door to me is a drug dealer who also does a Marc Bolan tribute act at weekends.That explains his nickname..."Sell A Gram Tam"





    Most of the rock legends of the 60's and 70's died young because of their utterlyreckless behaviour.

    Jim Morrison used to snort huge amounts of cocaine.

    Keith Moon washed down his anti-alcoholism pills with champagne.

    And Marc Bolan let his missus drive.





    The musician and former teacher Gordon Sumner is best known by his chosen stage name of Sting.
    When he dies,I wonder if he'll be known as Stung?





    The usrlees Home Office have lost my Police Records.
    I loved Walking On The Moon.







    The wife came right into my face and said,"I'm fed up with your obsession with The Police."
    I said. "Hey,back off.Don't stand so close to me!"







    There was an indecent at a Sting concert last night.
    I saw the Police



    When jamiroquai dies,will he go deeper underground?




    As a boy growing up in the 1960's I enjoyed pop music and being cruel to insects.
    I have particularly fond memories of the stones versus the beetles.





    My mate works for an environmentally conscious toilet roll manufacturer in quality control,checking for bugs in the system and correcting them.
    He's the beetles paper pack righter.






    Will The Beatles ever be reunited?
    Yes if someone shoots Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr.





    I only need one more Beatles album to complete my collection,so I asked all my friends.

    It was pointless though.

    Nobody could offer me Help.





    My wife's worried about my obsession to complete my collection of Beatles records.
    "You need help," she said.
    "No I don't...I've already got that one."





    Asians have an appetite for insects.
    Yoko Ono has a specific taste for Beatles.




    I just watched that movie where that dothead Indian bloke covers all the Beatles songs.
    They definitely missed a trick by not also having him sing 'While my Sitar gently weeps"





    The Beatles once sang "Love is all you need."
    I can tell you from experience this is not true.If you own a budgie-they also require food and water.





    All John Lennon could do about having no material possessions was to Imagine it.




    David; Wanna hear a Beatles joke?
    John; You already told me one...
    David; When?
    John; Yesterday.




    When asked who her greatest influence was,musician Courtney Love replied,"Yoko Ono"




    History has it,that Cilla Black is the only woman to have fucked every member of The Beatles.
    The fifth Beatle,Pete,was best.
    Rngo was no star.She said he was so bad,he finished with a Thomas the tank.



    I saw a girl busking today.
    She had a great voice,and an even better pair of legs,emphasised by the short skirt she was wearing.
    "Any requests?" she asked the watching crowd.
    "Your thong," I replied with a wink.
    Everyone gasped in horror,and the girl slapped me.
    It's tough being an Elton John fan with a lisp.




    I asked Elton John what County cricket team played at The Oval.He seemed to know the answer but was struggling to get the word out.
    I guess Surrey seems to be the hardest word.




    After a passionate night of love making Elton John has been inspired to release a song about his husband David-And I Guess That's why they all say "IT'S POOH!!!"





    I saw a Chinaman perform an Elton John tribute act last night.
    My favourite was his version of 'Crocodile Wok'




    People say that the Dark side of the moon by Pink Floyd is a timeless. album.
    But I've listened to it a lot,and time is definitely on there,it's track 3!





    Dave Gilmour and Nick Mason were walking down the road in London one day in 1972 and saw a mad nigger with his arse hanging out of a window.
    The rest as they say is history.




    The Clash sang,:Should I stay or should I go now? If I go there will be trouble an' if I stay it wil be double"
    There you go then,better to leave.





    Should I stay or should I go now?
    Should I stay or should I go now?
    If I go there will be trouble
    And if I stay it will be double
    Sort of answers itself really.





    First rule of Rick Astley Fan Club...
    You know the rules,and so do I!





    Rick Astley has admitted he's shit at custard pie fights.
    He said "he'd never run around and dessert you"





    Interviewer: So are you never gonna give us up?

    Man: Nope.

    Interviewer: Never let us down?

    Man: Nope.

    Interviewer: Never gonna run around and desert us?

    Man: Nope.

    Interviewer: Never gonna make us cry?

    Man: Nope.

    Interviewer: Never gonna say goodbye?

    Man: Nope.

    Interviewer: Never gonna tell a lie and hurt us?

    Man: Nope.

    Interviewer: Alright then,congratulations Rick Astley,you've got the job.
    Look forward to seeing you on Monday!





    I lost concentration briefly driving along a counrty lane in Northumbria and put the car in a ditch.
    I spotted a farmer in his tractor just over the fence and asked him if he could pull me out.
    He said,"Fuck yerself.
    yous were speedin.Serves yer fookin reet."
    I replied exasperated,"Ah give me a break man.I'm in dire straits." to which he snapped back
    Yer lyin bastard.Yer look fook all like the knopfler bruvvers."





    I asked that cunt Mark Knopfler if he could spare any change when I was homeless.
    He said "sorry I'm in Dire Straits myself pal"

  3. #2658
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    Smile Sick Musician Jokes

    My girlfriend said she's leaving me because of obssession with Bob Marley!...
    Oh well,no woman no cry!





    Did you hear about the time Bob Marley got arrested for assault in an airport? He claimed it was self defence...
    He said he was fighting in arrivals,fighting for survival.





    Bob Marley was once accused of shooting a famous Egyptian actor and a deputy headteacher.
    When questioned by police he said "I shot the sharif but I didn't shoot the deputy.





    Sheriff John Brown always hated me.For what,I don't know.
    Really Bob? You don't know why?




    What do you call three rastafarians in a boat with harpoons and half a ton of ganja?
    Bob Marley and The Whalers.





    Just tried to visit Bob Marleys home but I could not get in.
    The door kept Jamming.





    I bought Def Leppard's
    drum kit. It was half price.
    Normally they cost an arm
    and a leg.





    My dyslexic mate is a
    huge fan of 80's band
    ABC
    In fact he's got every
    album DEF Leppard ever
    made.





    When a Cougar gets so
    old that she needs a
    hearing aid,she becomes
    a Def Leppard.



    Ironic isn't it! All those
    number ones Elvis had in
    his life...and he ended up
    dying on a number two!!





    I have an idea for a chain
    of Elvis steak houses.
    It will be for people who
    love meat tender.



    A young boy is listening
    to the radio in the car with
    his father."Dad,what
    music did you like growing
    up?"
    "I was a huge fan of Led
    Zeppelin," the father
    replies.
    "Who?" the son asks.
    "Yeah," the dad responds,
    "I liked them too."





    I've been banned from
    our local petrol station
    for playing 'The Who' too
    loudly on my car stereo...
    I won't get fuelled again.





    I saw a Flock of seagulls tribute band last night.
    Called A Murder Of Crows.





    I offered Bonnie Tyler a Quality Street earlier but she declined.
    She said she was holding out for a Hero.




    It's gonna be a bright
    ( bright ) Bright ( bright )
    sunshiny day.

    Sad news. I broke up with
    my girlfriend Lorriane
    because I was seeing
    another girl named Clair
    Lee. But the good news is
    that I can see Clair Lee
    now that Lorraine is gone.




    Just listening to Bruce Springsteen's song
    'Glory Days' and I can't help but think that he was
    singing about the good old times when we were
    allowed to hate niggers...





    "Hey Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me"
    What, on a fucking tambourine?





    How do you tell how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
    Give it a weigh, give it a weight, give it a weigh now.





    I want to see 99 men sing
    Toto's song Africa,because it's a 100 more men and women can't do.





    I can't begin to tell you how much I
    fucking regret buying the flat above
    Lionel Ritchie.





    Never go for an Indian with the
    Beastie Boys when they're hungry.
    You gotta fight, for your right,
    chapati.




    I've been listening to music by the
    Artic Monkeys,The Strokes and
    Coldplay but it's given me stomach
    pain.Think I might have Indie gestion.





    I hate people who make sentences out
    of song titles because it reminds me of
    somebody that I used to know.





    My mate Frankie actually went to Hollywood.
    He didn't make a song and dance about it though.




    My wife told me she was leaving me because
    of my Justin Beiber obsession.
    As she was walking out the door,I took one last chance to make her change her mind.
    I asked her if it was too late to say sorry.




    "Anvil: the 80's metal icons
    who were born to fail"
    After every concert they'd
    go to the bar and get hammered.

  4. #2659
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    Smile Sick Musician Jokes

    How to make a Meatloaf song:

    1. Must be over 10
    minutes.Anything less
    is inadequate and you
    should be ashamed.
    2. Title must contain over
    50 characters.Adding
    brackets is also a must.
    3. The title must be
    contradictory.So you say
    you'll do anything for love,
    expect you won't do that.
    4. The title must contain
    at least one instance of
    Girl.
    Examples include
    : You Can Never Be Too
    Sure About the Girl
    : Modern Girl
    : Special Girl
    : Lost Boys and Golden
    Girls
    : Good Girls Go to Heaven
    ( Bad Girls Go Everywhere )
    5. Repeat the chours many
    times,it's not like they've
    heard it enough anyways.
    Get that point across....
    6. Do not let them forget
    it's rock and roll.If it helps,
    stick it in the title.They
    still might not even know
    what the genre is...
    7. If you want,make it
    educational.2 out of 3 is
    good starting point for
    fractions.
    : Alternatively,make
    references to Heaven and
    Hell.That'll teach kids
    christianity.
    8. Make sequels.One
    album isn't enough.
    Trilogies are the next
    hot trend.Besides,that
    Grammy won't win itself...
    9. Always make sure you
    belt out the piano first.
    10. The most important?
    Scream like it's the end of
    the world!!





    Magic I've only got three
    albums in my collection.
    Two by Meatloaf and one
    by Michael Jackson.
    Two out of three ain't Bad.

  5. #2660
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    Smile Sick Musician Jokes

    "It's a quarter after one, I'm
    a little drunk and I need
    you now...."
    My lawyer's getting pretty
    sick of me leaving that on
    his answer phone.



    I went to Billy Haley's Fish
    and chip shop the other
    day.
    They do Hake,Haddock
    and Sole.



    What are a pre-eminent
    white rapper's favourite
    sweets?
    M&Ms.
    ( Not that it Mathers ).



    My friend makes paintings
    of Eminem combined with
    other famous rappers.
    He's a mixed Marshall
    aetist.



    Who is the best candy
    (w)rapper?
    Eminem



    At the start of the
    pandemic Robbie Williams
    was using antibactererial
    wipes.
    But now he's loving hand
    gel instead.



    My stupid schizophrenic
    dyslexic mate who thinks
    he is Robbie Williams has
    just bought himself 2 pet
    tigers,He'd loving bengals
    instead.



    Times were more innocent
    when I was a child.
    If a six year old heard the
    Sweet singing Little Willy
    these days,they'd just
    assume it was about anal
    sex.



    My girlfriend has
    nicknamed me "The
    Sweet" because Little
    Willy Willy won't go
    home.......



    How can you tell a
    drummer is at your door?
    A: The knocking speeds up,
    slows down,speeds up,
    slows down..
    B: Has no idea what keys
    are or their importance
    C: You ordered pizza 28
    minutes ago
    D: He has to put the pizza
    on the ground before
    knocking (Def Leppard
    only)
    E: Even if the door is wide
    open,he doesn't know
    when to come in.



    What did the drummer call
    his twin daughters?
    And a 1 and a 2



    A guitartist was shagging
    this fit woman when her
    husband walked in on
    them.
    "What the fuck do you
    think you're doing?" he
    yelled.
    " I told you he was stupid,"
    said the woman,"Never
    marry a drummer."



    How many drummers
    does it take to change a
    light bulb?
    And a one and a two,and
    a one two three four.



    Went to the new Wham
    themed night club in town
    last night aptly named
    "Club Tropiana"
    All that's missingis the c!
    I know I know I will ####
    off,coat's under my arm!
    (credit Jeff Fenners
    soccer team)



    George Michael is a liar.
    I went to Club Tropicana
    but the drinks were
    defiantly not free.



    '....I joined a Carpenter's
    class the other day.
    we haven't made anything
    yet.
    We've only just begun.'



    Karen Carpenter would
    have had a more
    successful music career
    but she decided to leave
    Bread.







    I was going to see The
    Eagles,but I gave them
    the bird.



    Take it to the limit one
    more time. I fucking
    hate these musical
    bathroom scales...







    My girlfriend left me
    because of my obsession
    with 80's synth pop
    What have I,what have
    I,what have I done to
    deserve this?



    Classical Music for Cats....

    Beethoven-Fur Elise

    Handel-Meowssiah

    Puccini-Nessun

    Dormouse

    Vivaldi-The Paw Seasons
    Got my coat on already....

  6. #2661
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    Smile Sick Musician Jokes

    I was asked what I
    remember about the
    summer of '76.
    One thing I do know
    is Bryan Adams never
    released it.



    Diana Ross was asked
    what she thought about
    gay men being thrown
    off high places in
    Afghanistan.
    "Ain't no mountain high
    enough",she replied.



    My wife left me because
    of my obsession with the
    band Super Tramp.
    I've now met someone
    else.Take a look at my
    girlfriend.



    My wife keeps saying
    she'll leave me because of
    my obsession with Buddy
    Holly.
    That'll be the day.



    My girlfriend is leaving me
    because of my obsession
    with Eighties music.
    Such ingratitude.When
    I first met her she was
    working as a waitress in a
    cocktail bar.



    I took my wife to see "Air
    Supply" last year when her
    favourite group from the
    80's came by locally.
    Even I thought it was
    quite ironic that they were
    heavily supporting the
    SJW-BLM shit and both
    wore "I Can't Breathe"
    T-Shirts.




    Yesterday,I got so
    depressed..
    ...I spent the entire day
    listening to Celine Dion
    records.
    -
    -
    Or that;'s what I thought
    until I realised my cat had
    fallen into the dryer.



    Two chinese lads were
    having a heated argument
    about pop music.I
    managed to calm them
    down by getting them
    to listen to the sweet,
    relaxing tones of 60's
    scottish folk singer
    Donovan.
    # They call me Mellow
    Yellow #



    I asked Iron Maiden's
    Bruce Dickinson why he
    was very reluctant to eat
    Foie Gras.He said "Fear
    of the duck,fear of the
    duck"





    What's 25m long,screams
    and has no pubic hair?
    The front row of a Harry
    Styles concert.



    I thought I saw Westlife
    walking through the
    desert.Turned out to be
    Oasis.



    What is a vulture's favourite
    song?
    Carrion My Wayward Son.



    Went to the bank today
    and the woman behind
    the counter suddenly started
    singing Downtown.I
    thought to myself that's a
    Peculiar Clerk.



    I was at a 90's night at my
    local nightclub.
    I went up to the DJ and
    said,"play some Garbage,
    mate."
    He played '5-6-7-8 by
    Steps.



    There's a guy who used
    to be in 10cc and his
    surname is Creme...Lol



    According to Bang
    Showbiz,Daryl Hall was
    asked to replace David
    Lee Roth in Van Halen.
    That's a bit like asking
    Demis Roussos to replace
    Lemmy in Motorhead.

  7. #2662
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    Smile Sick Musician Jokes

    Why was there no water in
    the band Earth,Wind and
    Fire?
    The lazy bastards didn't
    want to walk the 2 mile to
    get it.



    I'm fed up with my so
    calles mates,3 times now
    they have agreed to go to
    a Whitesnake gig with me
    and then not show up.
    Here I go again on my
    own.



    When I was a kid I was in
    a band called The Small
    Faeces....
    We were little shits then.



    My nurse friend asked
    me where she could
    find some scrubs,I said
    probably hanging out the
    passenger side of his best
    friends ride.



    Have you heard about the
    new all-Muslim boy band?
    They're gonna be called
    Quran Quran.




    What do you call an Indian
    pop star?
    Singh Song.


    What's a Scotswoman's
    favourite Rolling Stones
    album?
    Black and Blue.

    What's a paki's favourite
    Rolling Stones album?
    Goats Head Soup.

    What's a Scouser's favourite
    Rolling Stones album?
    Sticky Fingers.



    A group of ex policemen
    have started an Electric
    Light Orchestra tribute
    band.
    El ello ello ello.



    I opened a bottle of bubbly
    and it started singing
    Feeling Good.Turns out it
    was a bottle Buble'



    Dear Mr and Mrs Cheery,
    what sort of shit were you
    both on when you decided
    it was a good idea to
    name your new born son
    Eagle Eyed.



    "Granddad...when you
    were a teenager,which
    poster did you have
    hanging on your wall?"
    "Debbie Harry.And it
    wasn't hanging,it was
    stuck."



    So I went to this over
    70's party in Scotland,I
    knocked on the door and
    said,"Hows things going?"
    They said,"Come on in it's
    just started swinging."
    I thought,Fuckin ell
    they've invited The
    Krankies.



    Song for Mathematicians:
    Get your kicks,on
    8.12403840463596



    I once met Roy Rogers on
    a river boat in Germany
    smoking weed.
    he was a Rhine stoned
    cowboy.



    I got invited to Ronnie
    Scott's last night for an
    evening of scat jazz.
    I'd never heard so much
    shit in me life.



    I've recently started a
    sewing machine choir.
    Got a great bunch of
    Singers.



    My dog is obsessed with
    classical music.
    Everytime I ask him what
    composer we should
    listen to,all he replies
    with 'Bach' Bach' Bach'



    Did you hear about the
    rapper that excluded fans
    with a certain zodiac sign?
    No Taurus B.I.G



    What's Gary Glitter's
    favourite western?
    Young Buns.



    Quinten Crisp has been
    Aasked to join three 1980's
    tribute bands:

    Tears for Queers
    Electric Light-on-his-Feet Orchestra
    Dexy's Midnight Bummer's



    I just saw Cat Stevens
    sitting down,crying next
    to his camper van.I said
    "What's the matter cat?"
    He said "awning has
    broken."



    I'm a huge fan of Black Sabbath.
    I went to put on 'Paranoid'
    earlier,but there was a different
    CD in the box.
    I bet some bugger's broken
    in and switched them around
    to make me think I'm losing my
    marbles.



    I'm both a Gardener and a
    aspiring Rapper.
    Life ain't nothing but
    Bushes and Hoes.



    I had a vinyl album called
    "Wasp Noises," but when
    I played the first track it
    didn't sound like a wasp
    and the sound track didn't
    sound like a wasp either...
    Then I realised I was playing
    the B side...



    Someone said that the
    best love song ever is
    when a man loves a
    woman by Percy Sledge...
    I just thought how fucking
    massive would your cock
    be to need a sledge to get
    it around.



    Roy Wood sang to me
    "See My Baby Jive" I said
    "Roy she's just trying
    to squeeze out of your
    wife's minge"



    Cyndi Lauper is reported
    to be sick and tired of buying
    the same herbs over and
    over again.
    Thyme after thyme.



    I remember going to my
    first ever gig,it was in
    Exter in 1982,there were
    all these punks screaming
    and all I could smell was
    raw fish,soy sauce and
    cold rice.
    Looking back,maybe
    going to see Sushi and the
    Banshees was a bad idea.



    Eric Clapton once said
    something like,"Being
    a Racist is better and is
    a more fufilling step-up
    from drugs."
    I still credit him as the
    main reason I was able to
    quit the smack.



    Found out the other day
    that the Dixie Chicks were
    named after the Dixie
    states in America.
    I'll be honest,I thought it
    was because they were a
    little bit tranny.



    Sat navs voiced by
    singers DO NOT USE the
    following...
    Elvis (You'll end up in the Getto)
    Bonnie Tyler (Lost in France)
    Chris Rea (On the road to nowhere)
    Harry Styles,Zayn Malik and mates (Will
    send you in just One Direction)
    Gene Pitney (No matter where he sends
    you,it will be 24 hours from Tulsa)

    Feel free to abb your own!!



    Did Stevie Wonder ever go on
    a blind date?



    Some people call me
    the space cowboy-even
    though I'm not
    some people call me the
    gangster of love-even
    though I'm not
    some people call me
    Maurice cos I speak of the
    pompatus of love-even
    though that isn't my name
    and I don't know wha that
    word means
    some people can fuck off.



    This means nothing to me
    Great tune,perhaps
    not to play as the first
    dance at my wedding.



    I own two shirts and some
    neckwear that used to
    belong to the guy out of
    the mamas and papas.
    All the sleeves are brown
    And the tie is grey.



    I love Adele's fast songs;
    they end sooner.



    I'm starting a funky
    ground works gang
    'Soul Drain



    This shit is bananas,b-a-n-a-n-a-s.
    I guess Gwen Stefani likes the same
    kind of porn that I do.



    As my wife looked at the
    wet and ruined cake she
    moaned,"Someone left
    the cake out in the rain...I
    don't think I can take
    it,cause it took so long to
    bake it,and I'll never have
    that recipe again!"
    "I know,that was me,you
    fat fuck."



    I used to work as a taxi driver
    in Brixton,but hated picking up
    Afro Caribbean's from the
    Reggae clubs as they used to
    jump around all inside the car.
    Luckily I found a cure,Velcro on
    the roof lining.

  8. #2663
    Join Date
    22nd October 2020 - 17:03
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    Suzuki 250 1976
    Location
    Lower Hutt
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    Smile Sick text jokes

    There's been some
    controversy about a photo
    of Kate Middleton.
    Prince Andrew is behind
    this one, he's great at
    touching things up.


    Someone just rang my phone and sneezed
    then hung up!
    I'm getting fed up of these
    cold calls!!


    What do you call a chink
    who looks like Jimmy Hill?
    Chin Lao.

  9. #2664
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Ship's officer: When should we turn?

    Captain: Let's cross that bridge when we get to it.





    Like a bridge under troubled water




    The woman driving that cargo ship in Baltimore should have gone to wreck savers




    Captain to first officer: Please contact the bridge...




    Bridge collapses in America... hoping and praying right now that Hangsap was on there.





    A bridge spanning Baltimore's Patapsco River has collapsed after it was hit by a cargo ship,

    Vladamir Putin claimed that Ukraine terrorists will strike even against their only friends.




    So looks like women are driving cargo ships now??



    A bridge too Near!



    The captain of a container ship crashed it into a bridge in Baltimore.

    What a fucking tanker.




    Apparently that bridge in america was fine when the boat hit it. it was when one fat yank stepped onto it to check it that's when the problems started





    The ship that crashed into a Baltimore bridge was Singaporean.

    I told you those fuckers have a mainly horizontal field of vision.



    Why did the bridge fall into the Patapsco River?

    Because they should have baltedmore




    Oh say can you see?

    Captain: Apparently not. Now where's this bridge you talk about?




    They love baseball in Baltimore, but that harbour pilot must be a cricket fan; went straight for leg stump.



    Apparently that spot on the Patapsco River inspired the Star Spangled Banner.
    ...Ohhh say can't you see...
    "The bridge! There's a fuckin bridge!!"



    And now for the Baltimore shipping forecast

    Blblblblblblblbl





    This has got to be disinformation.

    I just read that the Baltimore bridge incident was plotted by Al-Qu'aeda.




    Wish my girlfriend went down as quick as that bridge.This has got to be disinformation.





    Baltimore cargo ship captain: "Cards, anyone?"

    First officer: "Bridge!"





    That's why I've knocked takeaways on the head for lent this year, after a few Balti-mores from my local curry house my rectum collapses like that fucking bridge.



    When people with lisps say "Bithneth", you know they mean business.




    The Scottish Hate Crime Act:

    Sticks and stones may break your bones but Trannys' feelings are more important.




    "Norfolk whisky beats Scottish rivals as world?s best single malt"

    Just six fingers, please!





    I was eating lunch in the canteen in work,and the fat lass from accounts was sitting opposite me. She had just finished her 3rd helping of cake and then started to pick up every single crumb of the plate
    I must have O C D she said. giggling.
    I replied You forgot the B
    She goes Huh?
    I said Yeah O B C D




    International reaction to Muslim terrorist atrocities in their country:
    France - open rubber boat shops in Calais.
    USA - invade Afghanistan and lose.
    Russia - blame Ukraine.
    Israel - kick the shit out of them.
    UK - say it's too early to speculate until it's no longer in the news.





    Top Tip.....If you're being chased by a gang of furious taxidermists, DO NOT play dead....



    NYC Mayor Assures Migrants That If They Run Out Of Prepaid Debit Cards They Can Just Rob Americans Directly




    RFK jnr has announced his VP pick for November's election.

    I'm surprised he even thinks he can win the Presidency , after finishing last on
    " The Voice ".





    Shohei Ohtani, $700m baseball star, insists he has NEVER bet on sports.

    So he only bet on Baseball?



    THEY'VE DONE IT!

    WALES HAVE BOOKED THEIR PLACE AT BENIDORM 2024.

    AGAINST ALL ODDS!





    So a poofter goes into boots and tries loads of new perfumes ..he likes one in particular and asks the assistant what it's called...she says it's called come to me....he says



    Hmm that's funny it doesn't smell like cum to me




    What about the two gay telephonists...


    Kept trying to ring each other



    Heard about the Queer shepherd



    Kept Mountain goats.




    What's the best thing about Switzerland?

    I'm not sure but the flag is a big plus.

  10. #2665
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    My dad always said "when one door shuts, another one opens"
    He never could sell that Skoda.



    The Thames is so filthy this year, the boat race crews aren't even going to try. They'll just be going through the motions.




    Sam Bankman-Fried has been sentenced to 25 years in prison for masterminding the 8bn fraud that led to the collapse of cryptocurrency exchange FTX.

    Fuck me, just think how much his Bitcoins'll be worth by then.



    It could be far far worse for Sam Bankman-Fried facing 25 years in prison.

    His girlfriend could have said she would wait for him.



    Cadbury's are getting pilloried for renaming their Easter eggs 'Gesture eggs'.

    Isn't that what Cadbury's fingers are for?.


    Celebrity conjoined twins, Abby and Brittany Hensel may share one body, but legally, they had to choose which of them would marry partner, Josh Bowling.

    A coin toss with heads every time.



    The birds used to call me Spock and love my Vulcan special, two in the pink two in the stink ??




    These days I get worried when I have to slap a misbehaving child in the supermarket.

    You never know who's going to take offence.

    Especially when it's not yours.



    My mate once said to me, you know there is silly string do you think there is serious string?

    I said yeah its called a noose.





    My Chinese mate is always sweaty after a game of table tennis.

    Ping Pong



    This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada.

    After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.

    After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall.

    He asks the barman, "What the fuck is that?"

    The barman says, "It's a Moose."

    The Scottish chap says, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"



    This stuck up doctor was bragging about spending five years at university studying medicine to become a doctor.


    "Wow, " I said to her, "what a coincidence, that's the same amount of time I spent waiting for my last fucking appointment. "

  11. #2666
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Years ago I bought a private registration plate for a few quid, and now it's worth the best part of sixty grand.

    B1TC 01N.


    Conjoined twins Abby and Brittany Hensel have a secret wedding to marry one of the heads to army veteran Josh Bowling.

    Josh says he yearns for a twosome.





    Gotta feel sorry for that dude who married the Siamese twin.

    Two women to nag him, and only one fanny between them.




    I was embarrassed at a "gender reveal" party. After they explained it, I quickly put my underwear back on and left quietly.




    Grown ups go to Kings Cross Station and run into a wall because they think that platform 9 and 3/4 from the Harry Potter series is real.

    It's a bit like going into a polling booth.



    Visited London and realised that immigration is like investment.

    It puts your capital at risk.



    Worst thing about women's football?

    All the extra stoppage time while the ref tries to explain the offside rule.



    On the back of touring India, why is there no list on the Internet of things that can't cause Diarrhoea?.




    Deport: What a Jamaican drinks after de rum.




    Meghan Markle is selling her candle of grievance with sobbing crystal petals for 85 quid.

    Along the lines of Gwyneth Paltrow, the candle smells of Anus.

  12. #2667
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    My friend bought an
    engagement ring for his
    girlfriend that is too big.
    She ought to go on a diet.





    Until recent,I've always
    found it a strange
    coincidence that so many
    liberals are so vigorous
    about mask wearing.
    I couldn't find a logical link
    between the two things.
    Then it dawned on me.
    They're all ugly fuckers.





    Can you imagine Lewis
    Hamilton getting a hard
    on?
    The dark knight rises.





    Went on a bussiness trip tp
    Brazil and being half rice half
    chips muself,I thought I'd treat
    myself to one of their acclaimed
    male prostitutes for the night.
    Took him back to the hotel and
    said,"I want to eat your naughty
    Bralilian sausage..."
    He says,"Ah,innuendo..."
    "No,in my mouth."





    My son said he wants to sleep
    with a 1,000 women before he
    reaches 30.
    I said,"Don't be stupid,you have
    to sleep with 30 first."





    A chinese kid asks his father.
    "Dad,why do they say all
    chinese people look alike?"
    He replies,"I'm not your
    dad."





    "Went to a bird sanctuary
    with Quentin Crisp the
    other day,he's not into
    birds but I managed to
    get him to come along
    because I said he'd be
    able to see a cockatoo,
    Oooohhhhhhh."





    I remember arguing with
    my friend John Bobbitt over
    the size of our houses
    ."I have a semi,"
    I said to him.
    "Well I've got a Detached."
    He retorted.





    Lines from my Grandmother
    which I can never forget.
    "Sometimes,when I'm too
    lazy to moisturise,I just
    stick a finger in my fanny
    and use it like Olay Day
    Cream."





    My dad always said: "When
    one door closes another
    one opens."
    Come to think of it,he was
    a shit carpenter.





    A good relationship is all
    about give and take.
    I take their virginity and
    give them the Clap.




    People these days like to
    think they are so much
    more moral than historical
    figures.But can any of
    these so called 'social
    justice warriors' match
    Thomas Jefferson?
    He was known to have
    smashed many a slave
    ring in his time.





    My wife said she knew
    "just what I liked" and
    promised me hours of
    orgasmic fun on my
    birthday,and did she ever
    come through!
    The big wonderful bitch
    actually bought me a large
    spool of bubble wrap.




    Definition of a backward compliment.
    Your wife telling you,
    "Nobody makes love to
    me the way you do."





    Did you know that if you
    put your left sock on your
    right foot it's a sign of
    good fortune.
    But only if you do it
    accidentally.





    Why do Muslims always
    win races?
    Because they fast.





    Sex is a lot like clicking
    your pen: it's fine when
    you do it,but it's not
    something someone else
    wants to hear.





    My friend Jennifer,said
    she played a poker game
    where the prize was a
    Gucci handbag.
    "Genuine?" I asked.
    She said,"No,second
    place unfortunately."





    If the wife asks,I was up
    at the crack of dawn.
    If Dawn asks,don't tell
    her I'm married.





    I'm not saying my wife's
    thick.
    But she thinks a light
    saber is a tiny striped cat
    with big teeth.





    As you get older,things
    become harder and harder
    every day...Except your
    cock.





    I had Gucci tattooed on
    my ball sack.
    Just incase the missus
    starts mithering for a
    designer bag again

  13. #2668
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    New York's 4.8 magnitude earthquake causes Facebook to crash, with people marking themselves as 'safe'.



    The Grand old Duke of York
    He doesn't twist on sixteen
    Likes to play it nice and safe
    Just like his friend Epstein
    He likes to call out stick
    Doesn't even sweat when
    The dealer pulls out of the deck a handsome five card trick




    The Grand old Duke of York
    His oldest ones are fifteen
    At their next birthday
    He gets a fresh one from Ghislaine
    And once they are humped, they are dumped
    He bumps them after they are pumped
    Pushes them down the Palace steps to avoid any maintenance slumps



    The Grand old Duke of York
    Sought them out at fourteen
    The called him Randy Andy
    For the holes he found himself in
    And when Beatrice introduced him to a new friend
    He'd perk himself up no end
    Ask his friend Epstein for an island he could lend



    The Grand old Duke of York
    He grooms them at thirteen
    He loves to bash one out
    All over Charlie's laptop screen
    He doesn't even rinse
    The semen of the prince
    From the keys where later
    The king will lay his fingerprints





    The Grand old Duke of York
    His favourite ones are twelve
    He doesn't get a sweaty patch
    When he is pleasuring himself
    And when he is done he cleans the mess
    Whilst in a state of undress
    With one of his stash of napkins pilfered from Pizza Express



    The Grand old Duke of York
    His girlfriends only eleven
    He had to pay her sister off
    When his mummy went to heaven
    And when she was dead he used her bed
    And when she was alive he would thrive
    Had underage sex with many girls too young to be his wife




    The Grand old Duke of York
    He had a problem when
    His latest girlfriend said they slept together
    When she was only ten
    And when he was up he was up
    But when he was hot he didn't sweat
    And when he was only half way up
    The blue pill hadn't kicked in yet.



    With Wembley stadium holding up tp 90.000 people,22 women on the pitch and other ancillary team assistants,who the fuck is making dinner?



    I witnessed an African-American woman try to leave the gym via the reception turnstile earlier today, but she was swiping the wrong side of her card so it wouldn't let her through. I smiled and calmly said to her, "black strip down."

    I didn't expect her to get naked




    The new Juliet starring alongside Tom Holland as Romeo is being described as unattractive,, I'd say she's more ?Thugly.




    The correct spelling for women in the 17th century was woemen.





    Little miss scouse gets home from school,

    "Mummy mummy, I've been chosen to play Mary in the school nativity play. "

    "Wow darling that's brilliant. "

    "Yes mummy, I'll be just like you, pregnant without a fucking clue who the father is. "




    And when they were up, they were up,
    And when they were down, they were down.

    I'm no expert but it sounds like the Grand Old Duke of York's men were probably bi-polar.


    Getting head from those Siamese twins would be interesting. Who said you can't spit and swallow at the same time.


    How do you know when a black woman is pregnant?.?

    When she pulls out her tampon the cottons already been picked


    A soldier renting my house has done a runner, owing me six months rent!

    He told me he was a general, I've since discovered he was a left tenant.





    Does anyone else think the producers of Coronation Street have missed a trick?
    How about a pay to view episode where naughty Daisy gets her arse spanked purple and all the blokes queue up to fuck her?
    I'm still waiting for a reply from ITV.....




    Gayness.

    It's been around since time immoral.



    Well done Sharon Davies for having the balls to call out transgenders stealing women's medals.



    Morning Wood.
    -----------------
    So when you're old and knackered and getting on a bit
    And things things don't work quite as well
    So imagine the delight this morning when I awoke
    When my man thing had a very large swell

    "Quick, I said," have a look at this
    I said to my missus with a smile
    She grinned with a glint in her eye and said
    "Well yes, it has been quite a while"

    So we heaved and we grunted and gave it a go
    And it all came flooding back
    When bugger me my back creaked and did pop
    And my mind went completely off track

    Well she started to laugh at the state I was in
    And decided she would get on top
    It'd been many a year and she wasn't quite slim
    When my knee did twist and lock

    Well she grunted and heaved as her body did weave
    While I was pinned to the bed like a rock
    I heard a long lost cry of, "Oh God Oh my"
    As she jumped up and down on my cock

    She finished the deed with a glow on her face
    As I lay there not quite yet done
    "OK" she said, "it's hand and knees
    "Now it's your turn for some fun"

    Now my knee wouldn't play as I tried to get up
    And I'd forgotten I wasn't twenty one
    I fell on the floor and banged my head on the door
    She couldn't stop laughing at what I'd done

    Now I thought to myself with out any doubt
    Should I awake with an erection again
    I'm not saying nowt, and I'll give it a clout
    Just like I should've done then.




    I can never understand why ginger blokes grow beards. I mean, if you've got ginger hair, why grow more of it?



    EASTER EGG HUNT
    Take the first letter of the answers to the following questions to find out where your Easter egg is...

    1. New Delhi is the capital of which country?
    2. Which U.S. city is known as The Big Apple?
    3. Bangkok is the capital of which country?
    4. Legendary Greek warrior known for his strength?
    5. Oscar Wilde play The Importance of Being _______?
    6. Mayor of London's first name?
    7. King shot in the eye at the Battle of Hastings?
    8. Capital of Burkina Faso?
    9. First name of actor Newman in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid?

    (Yes, you can use Google)




    It must be Easter Monday.

    The wife's just looked at my cock under the quilt and said, "Christ, it's risen."




    As a kid, Arnold Schwarzenegger never got to celebrate Easter the way other kids did.

    After he was married, his new wife, having been told that fact by him, was surprised that he still liked that holiday.

    When she asked, he replied, "I still love Eastah, baby."

  14. #2669
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    1976 Honda 125
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    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Chester Zoo have recently bought four macaws.

    I didn't know that McDonalds did prostitutes.




    Is Choo Choo Shania Twains sister?




    In a head-on smash between a BMW and an Audi, who wins?

    Everyone.


    A mate of mine has a t-shirt with ‘FBI’ on it, standing for ‘Female Body Inspector.’ People treat him like a clown because of it, but the joke’s on them - He works in a morgue.




    I'm not racist, but my dick wears a hood.



    "...Meghan's Decision Leaves Harry With 'Sleepless Nights'"

    I thought that was why he married her.





    Nah, she's a bit overweight, not my type.
    Nah, she's got a bit of the old tar brush in her, not my type.
    Nah, she looks like a bulldog chewing a wasp, not my type.
    Nah, she's got no tits, not my type.
    Nah, she's probably a lesbo, not my type
    Nah, she's drinking like fuck, not my type.
    Nah, she's a single mum, not my type.
    Wow, she's got massive tits and is classy as fuck, "Hello love, can I get you a drink?"

    "Sorry, I've been listening to you with your mate, you're arrogant, sexist, racist, homophobic, cruel and unkind to most women,

    sorry mate, you're not my type.




    A blonde is in a swimming competition.

    She comes in dead last in the 100m breast stroke. After she climbs out of the pool, she walks over to the referee.

    "I don't want to sound like a sore loser," she says, "but I think the other swimmers were using their arms."




    Russ Cook from West Sussex, has ran 360 marathons in 240 days across Africa.

    And the natives whinge about having to walk a mile to get a bucket of water.

    Lazy cunts.




    I'm pleased I did a full "Russell Crowe" on my girlfriend last night.

    Glad I ate her.



    My wife arrived back from her driving test.

    "So," I asked excitedly, "how did you get on?"

    "Not good," she replied. "He failed me."

    "Oh dear!" I said sympathetically. "It can't be that bad; what did he pull you up on?"

    "A rope," she replied. "The car's still in the river."



    Had sex with a vegan prostitute last night

    " I bet that's the best non plant based meat you've had inside your gash" I bragged to her



    Some animals can survive 2 years without eating

    Some Americans can survive 2 minutes without eating.




    Turkish baths?
    That's a contradiction in terms.....





    A Muslim cleric once stated that women shouldn't be allowed to watch men's football games.


    Y'know, just sometimes they get it fucking spot on.


    T'was the day of the maths lesson, and the teacher asked "Right children, what comes after 69?"
    Little Johnnies hand shot up "Mouthwash, Miss"
    Teacher "Get out!"

  15. #2670
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Wellington
    Posts
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    No-J simpson





    Who'd have thought that OJ Simpson would get back together with his ex-wife after 30 years?



    Looks like I need to change my breakfast plans for tomorrow as there is no more OJ.



    OJ’s funeral procession should be the California Highway Patrol chasing his hearse.




    Thank God it wasn't Homer




    As chairman of the Blind Society, I was accused of needlessly wasting money.

    So I arranged a big fireworks display to cheer everyone up.



    We have decided to become a they.
    So from now on you better call all of us they or we'll get offended.

    P.S can my digital TV be non binary like it claims it is?




    I recently read that when performing oral on a woman, you should write the alphabet on her clit

    It was going pretty well until my felt tip ran out



    If you had to sleep in the middle of a beautiful woman and a gay man, who do you turn your back to?





    "Girls who want boys
    Who like boys to be girls
    Who do boys like they're girls
    Who do girls like they're boys"


    That's the last time I discuss transgender issues with Rosie Jones

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