What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

'Should I Stay Or Should
I Go' by The Clash
ought to be played as
Boris mounts the stage
for his conference
speech later this week.


The PM claims Jennifer
Acuri worked very
hard,and the grant she
received was value for
money.
Translated..."She
worked her pants
off,and was worth
every penny!"


Carpe Diem is a
great motto and
all...but if you
seize everyday,you
probablly
have epilepsy.


*Play the new
2020 edition
Monopoly*
*picks up
CHANCE card*
"While watching
LGBTQ for ISIS
parade you get
robbed,raped and
stabbed...Go
directly to jail for
telling the police
the attacker
were black'

[Bikkie]

I told a mate of
mine that my
wife has given
me an ultimatum:
no sex until I
give up smoking.
He asked how
long can I hold
out. I said,"until
I get arthritis of
the wrist."


Why is pulling a
hot asian woman
like skiing?
Because you need
to start with the
practice slopes.


I purchased a box
of desensitising
condoms,but my
wife still cries
after sex.


The new girl at
the office got an
incredibly quick
promotion by
always keeping
her eye on the
ball.To her
credit,she gave
me incredibtly
focused blow
job.


I've ordered
cucumbers online
and put fur
around my
letterbox to send
subliminal
messages to my
fit chinese
postwoman.

[Bikkie]

Harry and Megan,
have begun legal
action to a
newspaper for
publishing private
information.
Seems like they
want their cake
and eat it
too...You can't
be an exhibit in
the zoo and not
have people look
at you,Harry.


Makes sense to
me now that
Bruce Jenner
transitioned to
Caitlyn,after I
learned that as a
youth,he was
diagnosed with
dick-less-ia.


Phil Collins ( 68 )
has had a bad fall
and is in a
wheelchair.He
was blocking a
door as he tried
to get out of a
building,much to
the annoyance of
a woman who
was trying to get
past him.As the
two exchanged
words Collins
exclaimed,"I
can't hurry love."


Michael
Schumacher's
Doctor says he
cannot perform
miracles.
Apparently
neither can his
Doctor.


Be careful an
apple a day
doesn't keep the
doctor away.I
ate loads of them
and had to go to
the doctors
because I had the
shits.

[Bikkie]

The wife burst in
on me having sex
"How could you
do this to me
with my sister?!"
I said "It's not
what it looks
like!" she said
"How the fuck
isn't it?!" I said
"It's actually your
mother in a
school unlform."


My wife asked
me earlier before
going to the
hairdessers
"What cut do you
think would make
me more
attractive?" "A
fucking power
cut".....was
the wrong
answer!


After the wife and
I won the lottery,
we sat down with
a lawyer to discuss
how we'd take the
patment.He asked
me,"Are you still
interested in the
lump figure?"
"Not at all," I
replied,"I'm
definitely going to
find a younger and
thinner woman."


My doctor has just
given me 90
minutes to live.So
I've just started
watching a
women's world
cup game,at least
that will make it
feel like 6 months.


I hate it when
women use the
word "condom"
inappropriately.As
in,"You'll have to
put a condom on
before I suck
that."


I was at the
dentist again
today...Dentist:
"Are you ready,
this is going to
hurt a little." Me:
"Ok,go for it."
Dentist"I'm
sleeping with
your mother."


My pet name for
my wife is
"Infinity" Because
she goes on and
on and on and...


I applied for one
of the Blue
Badges that
they're giving to
people with
'invisible'
disabilities.Turns
out,not having a
car,doesn't
qualify.


"Did you know
that less than
10% of
Americans have
ever traveled
abroad?" "Yeah
that'll be the
army."


As a racist I love a
good game of
snooker.You get
to be white and
win the most
points for knocking
blacks down a
hole.

[Bikkie]

When your
neighbour sees
you washing your
car and says,
"Haha,you can do
mine next," tell
him to do it
himself as it's
bad enough you
have to shag his
wife for him.


Was washing my
car out the front
getting ready to
sell when my
neighbour,shouted
"You can do
mine after
that." Walked
away the next
day with 3 grand
for his lancer and
even threw in
the baby seat


I'll tell you guys
a bedtime story...
Once upon a
time,there was
an ambisexual
who was
antisexist against
bisexuals she
wanted to
desexualize
every
homosexual
thinking they
were
hypersexual but
really it was the
intersexuals that
she wanted
sexlessness with
so she became a
sexologist and
ended up with
sextillion pounds
and became
pregnant with
sextuplets she
called it
sextupling but
asked if everyone
could not
sexulize the
supersexes that
are undersexed.
The sexy end.


So this
Transvestite
came up to me in
the pub last night
and asked,"Who
won the world
cup qualifer
tonight?"
"Uruguay" I
replied "Yes but
only on mondays,
wednesdays and
fridays" he said.

[Bikkie]

As a cymbal of
respect.Ginger
Baker's coffin is
being held in the
White Room at
the
Creamotorium.


Very sad day for
the music world
this week.Lost a
great man who
pounded the
skins with Cream
........Oh,hang
on,just heard
Elton's still
alive....as you
were.


I can already
imagine Elton
John in surgery-
Elton: "Don't go
breaking my
arse."
Doctor: "I couldn't
if I tried."


Feminisim means
never having to
say you're sorry.
Whatever you did
wrong a man
made you do it.


I'm actually quite
proud of my gay
son,especially as
he's grown up to
become a dentist.
He still gets
fucking livid
though when I
call him the
Tooth Fairy.


It will be ironic,if
a black pope is
elected,that he
will be
surrounded by
men in white
robes with pointy
hats swinging
crosses in front of
him.

[Bikkie]

The scottish parliament
has made it illegal for
parents to give their
kids a little smack.
Cannabis only from now
on,I'm afraid

[Bikkie]

I've just
completed "The
First Aid" course.
Turns out it's
something to do
with monkeys
and Africans.


'David Tennant
welcomes fifth
child with wife
Georgia and
announces news
with cheeky Good
Omens post' 'Her
box resembles
the Tardis.'


Simple Minds
singer Jim Kerr's
brother threatened
to cripple and
murder two
superfans who
saw the band
more than 350
times after they
posted a negative
review on
Fackbook,court
hears.He was
planning to leave
them "Alive And
Kicking."


This is my big
bang theory:
None of those
nerdy cunts has
ever had one,
especially the
annoying,gay
sweetcorn shit
sucker.


Last night I
certainly had my
wife orally
satisfied.I
bought her home a giant
chocolate cake.

[Bikkie]

Every day
without fail I
eat a packet of
crab sticks.
It's not that
I like the
taste,can't
stand them
really.It just
stops my
missus cottoning
on when my breath
smells like my
girlfriends
fanny.


Anal sex? Fuck
that shit.


What do you get
a woman who has
everything?
Antibiotics and a
packet of
condoms.

I was once in a
band called
Insecticide we
used to cover
The Beatles



"Are you stupid?
We have all this
paradise and you
want me to rebel
and eat the fruit
of the only tree
we have been
instructed not to
touch? I'm sorry
Eve,there's
nothing you can
ever do that will
make me go
against our
creators
instructions." It
was at that point
that the worlds
first blow job
occurred.


There is no five
second rule about
food being
dropped on the
floor in our
house.That's
because we have
a one second dog.

[Bikkie]

The Rugby World
Cup is in full
flow.It's fantastic
when every
rugby-loving
nation in the
world comes
together to watch
their bought-in
maoris going
head-to-head
against another
countrt's
bought-in-maoris.



As I watched the
New Zealand vs
Ireland Rugby
World Cup match
at the weekend I
thought Diversity
were doing the
pre match
entertainment.


44 Year-old Sue
Radford,the
mother of
Britain's largest
family,is
expecting baby
number 22.I'm
not normally one
to judge people,
but I reckon her
fanny would
make the Arsenal
defence look
tight.

[Bikkie]

I've never been
musical.All
through the 80s I
thought The
Eurythmics was a
birth control
method.


What is the
difference
betwen dogs
and women?
Dogs sense fear,
but women fear
sense.


Andrew Ridgeley
has a new book
out: Wham!
George And Me.I
doubt he wrote it
but may have
ghost read it.


As it is getting to
'Trick Or Treat'
season,have a
'Vegans Live
Here' sign fitted
to your door.It's
as effective as
'paedo scum' but
without smashed
windows.

Is it just me or
has the increase
in female MPS
coincided with
parliament not
fucking listening?

[Bikkie]

Justin Trudeau
celebrates winning a
2nd term in Canada with
a very moving
rendition of the
Al Johnson classic
"Mammy."


Amanda Holden breaks
leg in two places,she'll
need to keep them
elavated.....mind
you,what's new?

[Bikkie]

I have put out a
sign on my front
door FREE
CHOCOLATE FOR
ALL TRICK OR
TREATERS.What
I haven't told them
is its laxative
chocolate,bet
they don't come
next year.


We went to a
Halloween party
on saturday
Night.They said
my wife would
have easliy taken
home first prize
with her spot-on
Ravi Shankar
costume,had she
not carelessly left
her musical
instrument at
home.She was
close,but no
sitar.


Since the
progressives have
made blackface
socially
unacceptable
these days,for
Halloween this
year I am
dressing up as
Justin Trudeau
instead.


I love this time
of year,I can dig
graves out in the
front garden.
Drag out the
dead bodies
wrapped in bin
bags and leave
them there all
month before I
need to bury
them...The
neighbours think
it's a fun
Halloween
display.

[Bikkie]

FOR SALE: Two
unopened crates
of champagne.
Contact The All
Blacks,New Zealand.


Just been
watching the
Rugby World Cup
semi-final,The
All Blacks v The
Some Blacks.


Even Leicester
City scored more
than New
Zealand.


No wonder New
Zealand looked
tired,it's
probably taken
them all week to
learn that dance
routine.

[Bikkie]

Just been to the
shop to lay
supplies ready
for the
trick-or-treaters.
Fun size Mars
Bars...check
Spooky Haribo
Shapes...check
Chocolate
Skulls..check
Sugar
Spiders...check
Ex-Lax...check
Razor
Blades...check.


These trick or
treaters seem to
get old every
year,just had
two at the door
now asking for
money.Costumes
were good
though,they
were dressed as
bailiffs.I gave
them a Mars bar
each and told
them to fuck off.


My wife is a
constant
reminder of
Halloween.She's
dark,a witch,her
minge is hidden
by cobwebs and
she promises me
a treat once a
year before
tricking me.