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Thread: What's your sickest joke?

  1. #1981
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    Nice touch having Prince
    Philip taken to the church
    on the back of a Land
    Rover. I wonder if they’ll
    have Prince Andrew buried
    in a 15 year old Escort?


    "Human cells grown in monkey
    embryos." Yes we all know
    Meghan is pregnant.


    A part-monkey, part-human
    embryo created by scientists.
    Dolly the spade.

    ( Feel free to add your own )


    Modern looters are soft!
    Back in the 70's you had
    to be fucking hard to run
    with a colour TV.


    Paddy : "They say ignorance is bliss."
    Murphy : "What's ignorance?"


    Those lads who let their noses poke
    out over their masks...
    Just hope they don't wear
    swimming togs the same way.


    I once was arrested for punching
    my wife at a casino!
    The fat fucker was on a roll and
    actually winning at the blackjack table,
    and it was honestly reflexive when
    she excitedly shouted out
    "Hit Me!"


    "Can I have a 60w bulb please?"
    "Screw or Bayonet?"
    "No, just the bulb thanks."


    Multi millionaire ex
    footballers turned TV
    pundits complaining that
    plans for a new European
    Super League is about
    financial greed and the
    exploitation of fans.
    Err, no fuckkin' shit boys,
    where you cunts been
    these past 30 years?

  2. #1982
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    Prince Philip Gaffs...

    "Don't feed your rabbits
    pawpaw fruit - it acts
    as a contraceptive. Then
    again, it might not work on
    rabbits." Giving advice to a
    Caribbean rabbit breeder
    in Anguilla in 1994

    "It doesn't look like much
    work goes on at this
    University, " Overheard
    at Bristol University's
    engineering facility. It
    had been closed so that
    he and the Queen could
    officially open it in 2005

    "I wish he'd turn the
    microphone off!" The
    Prince expresses his
    opinion of Elton John's
    performance at the 73rd
    Royal Variety show 2001

    "So who's on drugs here?...
    HE looks as if he's on
    drugs" To a 14 year - old
    member of a Bangladeshi
    youth club in 2002

    "No I would probably end
    up spitting it out over
    everybody." Prince Phillip
    declines the offer of some
    fish from Rick Stein's
    seafood deli in 2000

    "Can you tell the
    difference between
    them?" On being told by
    president Obama that he'd
    had breakfast with the
    leaders of the UK, China
    and Russia.

    "Do people trip over you?"
    Meeting a wheelchair -
    bound nursing - home
    resident in 2002

    "I suppose I would get in
    a lot of trouble if I were
    to melt them down." On
    being shown Nottingham
    Forest FC's trophy
    collection in 1999.

  3. #1983
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    20,000 seats are now
    being sold for the Conor
    McGregor fight scheduled
    for the 10th of July.
    Conor McGregor is said
    to be training without a
    mouth - guard but instead
    spars with a dummy. He
    spat it out two days ago
    when he said f##k me,
    I'm nah na na na nah not
    fighting f###king him and
    the fight was cancelled.
    Bookies are really looking
    forward to the contest
    and current odds are 2/1
    that McGregor will spit
    his dummy again and
    retire for a fourth time ( he
    has retired three times
    in the last four years so four
    in four would sound a
    good bet ). Odds are 3/1
    that McGregor will again
    tell the world on social media
    that he will not fight
    Poirier but fight someone
    else instead. Bookies
    are giving odds of 4/1
    on the fight being cancelled
    as it is believed with so
    many changes of mind
    a sex test being carried
    out will show that Conor
    is actually a female and
    PMT is responsible for his
    mood swings.


    Manchester City have
    pulled out faster than I did
    when my girlfriend told me
    she wasn't on the pill.


    James Corden has
    slammed plans for a
    European Super League
    as the 'worst greed he has
    ever seen'
    Having seen him at an all
    You can eat buffet, I
    can confirm he's wrong.


    ... Queen Elizabeth and
    Princess Kate are out
    motoring through the
    countryside when the Bentley
    They're driving breaks
    down. The driver has to
    go for help, and while he's
    gone some scumbags
    come across the disabled
    royal couple.

    " Ain't you the Queen?"
    She confirms she is.
    "Where's your tiara?"
    She tells them she left it
    at home.

    "Fuck me! Just my luck"
    "Ain't you the princess
    tho?"
    Kate says, "Yes."

    "where's that bloody
    big sapphire from your
    husband's dead mum?"
    She says she left it at
    home.

    "BUGGER! I guess we'll
    just have to take these
    lovely wheels then c'mon
    now! out the car! step
    lively and keep walking or
    they'll be hell to pay. You
    snotty cunts!"

    They shuffle down the
    road a bit and the Queen
    says to Kate, "I know you
    were wearing your ring!
    What happened to it?"
    She replies with a blush, "I
    hid it... up there... " pointing
    to her crotch.
    The Queen chuckles.

    Kate says," But Queen, I
    know you were wearing
    your tiara when we left! "
    He Majesty confesses that
    she hid hers too... In the
    same location.

    Without a second's
    hesitation Kate says,
    " Dammit! If Meghan were
    here we could've saved
    the fuckin Bentley!"


    A benefit gig is being
    organised to help fund
    research into Indian
    Covid variant Acts
    confirmed so far include

    Raj Against the Machine.

    The Bombay City Rollers

    Caste

    The Cumin League

    Mandeep Purple

    The Birthday Chapati

    Crowded House

    Delhi Mitri ( feat Justin
    Curry)

    The Sikhers.


    Pink Floyd legend, David
    Gilmour, commenting on
    coming out of lockdown
    for ITV News at Ten
    stated, "The thought of
    several thousand people
    milling around together in
    front of your gives me the
    heebie-jeebies."
    So that's another fucking
    drab song in E minor on
    the horizon.


    I saw that miserable
    bastard Dave Gilmour
    from Pink Floyd in the
    Armidale shopping centre
    in Manchester today. He
    was acting like a proper
    cunt.
    Just another prick in the
    mall.


    Had a meal in Dave
    Gilmour's new Restaurant.
    Starter was Hay Ewe, Main
    course was Pork Three
    ways and for Dessert, Ice
    cream ( any colour you
    like )
    Then it was Time to Have
    a Cigar.


    Did you know that Quinten
    Crisp is really well
    Known movie actor?
    Apparently he's been in A
    Few Good Men.
    Oooooooooh.


    I would of loved to have
    lived in the days of Dick
    Turpin.
    I believe all the Highway
    men were well hung.
    Oooooooh.


    "... And so in closing
    patience is not always a
    viture and good things
    don't always necessarily
    come to those who wait."
    ... And that was all the
    inspiration the nigger
    needed to run off and
    abandon his family!

  4. #1984
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    Fucking Hell!
    Those supposed European
    Super League teams
    are dropping faster than
    Prince Andrew's boxer
    shorts at his daughters
    school prom.


    Make sure you don't get
    your girlfriend pregnant by
    pulling out quicker than an
    English Premier League
    Club does from the
    European Super League.


    Ted Nugent has just
    confirmed that he has
    Coronavirus.
    Bat Scratch Fever.


    Toxteth McDonald's :
    "Coke please."
    "Is crack ok?"

  5. #1985
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    Fifty Shades alum
    Dakota Johnson unveils
    'absolutely epic' $45
    vibrator called Drop.
    It even has a safe word.


    Downing Street have said
    the Cabinet Office will
    investigate how a text
    conversation between
    Boris Johnson and Sir
    James Dyson became
    public.
    Personally, I'd leave
    it till the dust settles.

  6. #1986
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    First it was 'The
    Terminator' Arnold
    Swartzenegger as
    California's governor
    now it's Caitlyn 'Bruce'
    Jenner 'The Tranmaneater'
    running for the post
    America lost the plot long
    before Trump.


    Bruce Jenner, previously
    Time's "women of the
    Year," is running for
    Governor of California.
    I think he'll do a great job
    as he's already better at
    being a woman than any
    actual women.


    Every time I see the Daily
    Mail has another royal
    pullout I hope they've
    Finally published Michael
    Fagan's sex tape.


    I was cornered by a police
    officer and a security
    guard inside a store today
    after a little girl pointed
    and shrieked, "Mummy a
    bad man!"
    I honestly think I might
    have gotten in less trouble
    had I just been walking
    around with my cock out
    rather than boldly being
    a covidiot not wearing a
    mask.


    People these days like to
    think they are so much
    more moral than historical
    figures. But can any of
    these so called 'social
    justice warriors' match
    Thomas Jefferson?
    He was known to have
    smashed many a slave
    ring in his time.



    Does anyone else find
    themselves doing a
    Robert De Niro face trying
    to keep their mask on?

  7. #1987
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    Before judging Caitlyn
    Jenner for running for
    California governor,
    at least read her
    Manifesto.


    Caitlyn Jenner.... from
    erections to elections.


    Boris Johnson has sent
    his best wishes to Caitlyn
    Jenner for venturing into
    politics, he said he looks
    forward to working on the
    Trans-Atlantic partnership.


    I was on the anti
    lockdown march in
    London today and a guy
    shouted, "If you don't think
    there's a pandemic, try
    going to India!"
    Dozy cunt. I don't need to.
    I've been to Leicester.


    Did you hear about the
    new Palestinian sex doll?
    You can only use it once
    but it does blow itself up.


    What is the definition of a
    virgin in Palestine?
    Any camel that can run
    faster than its owner.

  8. #1988
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    The bloke Caitlyn Jenner
    is running for governor of
    California.
    I don't mind at all....
    As long as ( he/she /
    himshe/it/they /them )
    doesn't drive.


    Caitlyn Jenner is running
    for California governor!
    Fair play, that takes some
    balls.


    Derby County are facing
    the real prospect of going
    down to the third flight for
    the first time since May
    1984.
    Wayne Rooney on the
    other hand will be going
    down on Mae, 84 for the
    19th time after carrying
    Her up three flights.


    I remember my first blind
    date my mate said, "She's
    a lovely girl but I must
    tell you she's expecting a
    baby."
    How silly did I look sitting
    there in a nappy all night.


    Ladies and gentlemen, if
    there are any here, I now
    present the next fight.
    In the blue corner I
    present the current
    'champion' Alexander
    Boris de pfeffel Johnson.
    In the green ( with envy )
    corner we have Dominic
    McKenzie Cummings.
    This is an unlimited fight,
    there are no rules or
    constraints on tactics.
    Sod the traditional two
    falls or a submission to
    determine the winner, it's a
    fight to the political death

    LATEST odds

    Johnson 7/4

    Cummings 4/3

    MAD (. mutuality assured
    destruction ) evens.

    Please place your bets
    now with the in-house turf
    accountant. Dodgy Rishi.


    To help stop online abuse,
    football clubs have
    announced a temporary
    social media blackout.
    I thought the whole point
    was to combat racism?





    Ladies if he's willing to
    give you the Moon and
    Stars, you should be
    willing to sacrifice Uranus.


    'The crown bosses
    struggle to find an actor to
    play Prince Andrew in fifth
    series'

    Breaking news : Woody
    Allen has offered himself
    for the role.


    What's the difference
    between Ryan Giggs and a
    Telsa?
    The Telsa gets fewer
    battery chargers in a year.


    Vast, vast majority of us
    guys are against proposed
    European Super League.
    Women just don't get
    it. Girls if there is no
    relegation then there is
    next to no incentive to
    persure excellence. I've
    told this to my wife and
    to my girlfriend. A woman
    I've been chatting to, trying
    to get her into bed doesn't
    get it either. (. she thinks
    the offside rule is when
    I slip my hand too far up
    her thigh.). Only woman
    who has understood is my
    ex wife from long ago who
    I married when we were
    both young and had a
    monogamous relationship
    with for six boring years.

  9. #1989
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    "Cambridge GP who told
    female patient 'You are
    very hot' struck off at
    medical tribunal"
    I'm surprised she didn't
    tell him that, she was
    diagnosed with malaria.


    Lesbian Visibility Week
    -strangely I've always
    found the majority of
    the minority remarkably
    Visible, especially when
    you get into the groove.


    Quintin Crisp shagged Mick
    Jagger, Keith Richards,
    Charlie Watts, Ronnie
    Wood, and Bill Wyman. All
    red blooded hetrosexual
    males, but Quinten
    changed them all into a
    bunch of cock sucking
    arse bandits.
    I guess he left no stone
    unturned.

  10. #1990
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    "Prince Andrew spent
    £16k of taxpayer money
    on a private flight to watch
    open golf"
    To be fair, he didn’t realise
    he was going to the golf.
    He just heard there would
    be under 18 holes.


    I've got a porn star cock.
    Fucker shouldn't have
    been shagging my wife.


    My English teacher said,
    "Your grammar is shit"
    I replied, "Your grandads a
    cunt"


    Irrespective of the
    outcome of his
    forthcoming trial, Ryan
    Giggs has vowed to
    become more aware
    of women's rights and
    feminism.
    If you can't beat 'em, join
    em.


    Glasgow woman gutted
    as birthday balloon filled
    with £100 flies away.
    Meanwhile in Aberdeen
    sales of darts, rifles
    and Crossbows soar as
    Aberdonians scramble to
    shoot it down.


    Technically Moses was
    the first man to download
    files from the cloud using
    A tablet.


    "I finally got my my tablet to
    connect to the cloud."
    Moses 1241 BCE.


    My computer goes down
    on me so much I've
    started it calling Katie
    Price.


    If the wife asks, I was up
    at the crack of dawn.
    If Dawn asks, don’t tell
    her I'm married.


    My pregnant wife has
    hinted she wants to name
    our unborn son after a
    screwdriver.
    I'm pretty sure that
    Flathead will get bullied at
    school though.


    I've been banned from
    our local petrol station
    for playing 'The Who' too
    loudly on my car stereo...
    I won't get fuelled again.

  11. #1991
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    Prince Andrew has
    reputedly set up a
    financial company with a
    friend who was released
    by Coutts bank for sexual
    harassment.
    Must be challenging
    thinking of a name
    without using the words
    Trust, Holdings or
    Cooperative.


    Contrary to best medical
    practices, Ryan Giggs
    wife received both of her
    jabs on the same night.


    Ryan Giggs and his wife
    celebrate their marriage
    frequently by him giving
    her a large bowl of alcohol
    and fruit.
    Punch, I think they call it.


    Instead of all these
    failed relationships why
    Doesn't Katie Price marry
    someone who can satisfy
    her and explore her
    sexuality.
    A potholer for instance.


    A decade on, and Kate
    has never been happier : Kate
    and William celebrate 10th
    wedding anniversary.
    Harry must have visited in
    the nick of time.

  12. #1992
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    Ryan Giggs net worth
    increases as he expands
    his TV punditry to include
    football and MMA


    The world of sport will
    boycott all forms of Social
    Media this weekend.
    However, Ryan Giggs will
    continue to use Twatter...


    Michael Collins trained
    for years travelled over
    384,400 kilometres
    strapped to a rocket and
    risked his life the whole
    time to reach the moon.
    Then never actually set
    foot on it.
    It's a bit like having a
    foursome with Natalie
    Dormer, Kate Beckinsale
    and Emma Watson...
    Then having a wank in the
    cupboard looking at them
    through the crack in the
    doors.


    "A BIGAMIST who married
    her lover and had his
    child while still with her
    husband of 18 years has
    been warned she faces a
    lengthy jail sentence.
    Isn't two husbands
    punishment enough?


    I'm really chuffed just
    having had my second jab!
    Or, maybe I shouldn't be
    texting during a boxing
    match.


    The pandemic revealed 3
    types of people.

    The A's are people who
    have lost loads of family
    and friends. They ache for
    their many missing loved
    ones and go on TV to beg
    Everyone observe the
    restrictions.

    The B's feel terrible for
    the A's respectfully follow
    the restrictions, queue for
    vaccination and pray they
    get through unscathed.

    The C's pay no attention to
    rules and don't care who
    knows. They know the A's
    don't exist and laugh their
    heads off at the gullible
    B's. You call them sage.

  13. #1993
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    "Prince Andrew looks
    related as he leaves
    Windsor Castle following
    a horse ride"
    A lot more relaxed than he
    looked after Emily Maitlis
    asked him about his bike
    ride.


    "Queen in security scare
    after couple scale fence at
    Windsor"
    I knew Harry was
    desperate to get back in
    his grandmother's good
    books but I'm surprised
    Meghan agreed to go with
    him.


    I'm not into conspiracies
    but the Gary Haggerty
    memes stop when Prince
    Philip dies.
    Coincidence?
    Yes, it is.


    Ryan Giggs 47,appeared
    before magistrates
    in Manchester on
    Wednesday accused of
    headbutting his former
    partner Kate Greville, 36,
    and controlling her over a
    three-year period.
    In fairness to Giggs, she
    must have been difficult to
    put up with. My missus is
    a pain in the arse and her
    period usually only lasts
    One week.


    It's well known that Homer
    Simpson likes butter. But
    he really loves spreading
    Marge.

    . My dyslexic pop trivia
    buff mate is absolutely
    thrilled that The Who have
    approved the Madonna
    vaccine.


    Coldplay to open The BRIT
    Awards 2021
    Adding even more
    emphasis to rhyming
    slang.


    I asked a black guy the
    other day why 99 % of
    them don't get up until
    after 12,apparently KFC
    don't do breakfast.



    The phone rang. It was
    BBC Radio 1.

    "Congratulations," the
    voice burbled,. "You are
    live on air, and if you
    can answer this maths
    question, you will win our
    prize!"

    "Maths question?" I
    said excitedly. "I did 4
    Unit maths for the HSC
    and also studied it at
    university, for part of
    my degree! Give me the
    question!"

    "Great what is 100
    divided by four? If you get
    it right, you get two tickets
    to the upcoming Justin
    Bieber concert, and get to
    meet him back stage!"
    "Oh," said I. "Is it 13?"

  14. #1994
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    Daily Mail turns 125 years
    old.
    And still, truth won't
    die.


    German police arrested 3
    in connection with running
    a child porn web site with
    400 thousand members
    have announced that one
    member is a famous rock
    guitarist but they won't
    say Who.


    After being married for
    so long, I'm beginning to
    think there's some truth in
    The Da Vinci Code.
    The Holy Grail must be a
    vagina.


    BBC News : Bill and
    Melinda Gates start
    divorce proceedings after
    27 years of marriage.
    Apparently she wants a
    younger man that can give
    her big and hard instead
    of Microsoft.


    Melinda Gates is divorcing
    Bill because he wanted to
    hear the patter of tiny feet.
    According to the flight
    logs.


    Bill Gates and Melinda
    Gates are getting
    divorced!!! Money troubles
    maybe?


    "Bill and Melinda Gates
    to end marriage after 27
    years."
    I can't say I'm surprised;
    he's been divorced from
    reality since the turn of
    the Millennium.


    After 27 years, Bill Gates
    has decided to update his
    hardware.


    Recently separated
    philanthropic billionaire
    seeks 23 year old blonde
    with big tits.
    Apply B. Gates.


    What's the difference
    between a pack of wild
    dogs and a group of
    Trump supporters?
    The dogs don't make the
    dumbest one leader.

    This black guy at
    work accused me of
    disrespecting him when
    I honestly confused him
    with someone else.
    "Uh, sorry, I honestly
    thought you were that
    other Scottish guy of
    African background."
    "Rubbish, you called me
    Blackie McBlackington!"

  15. #1995
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    Now that Bill and Melinda
    Gates are getting
    divorced...
    She will be his xbox.


    Melinda Gates, is she fit or
    what?


    Bill and Melinda Gates to
    divorce after 27 years.
    Doesn't he have a vaccine
    to make her stay then?


    Time Magazine named
    Bill Gates as one of the
    most influential people
    of the last 50 years and I
    can't argue with that. He's
    inspired many to achieve
    great things along the way
    and a bit has rubbed off
    on me.
    So fuck it I'm gonna get
    divorced as well.


    The epitome of irony : Bill
    Gates asking for privacy
    and space.


    "Bill and Melinda Gates"
    daughter Jennifer tells of
    'challenging time"
    Her father has cut her
    allowance to three million
    dollars a month.


    After hearing of the Gates
    impending divorce please
    note I am available and
    age is not an issue, Bill.


    Bill and Melinda Gates
    $130bn SPLIT : Microsoft
    founder' s wife, 56 files
    for divorce citing her
    marriage to 65-year-old as
    irretrievably broken.


    Bill and Melinda Gates are
    to divorce.
    At his age, she obviously
    doesn't want to go back
    to being frustrated with a
    3.5" floppy.


    When asked why she was
    getting divorced Melinda
    Gates replied.
    "Micro and Soft, what do
    you think?"


    I treat the new Covid 19
    vaccines like Bill Gates
    windows updates.

    You will have to take them
    periodically, eventually
    being mandatory, then one
    will screw with you. So
    then you will be hoping
    to get your system roll
    backed to your last good
    health checkpoint

    But unfortunately cancel
    culture has removed
    these, because you were
    offensive in the past.

    At least you can
    eventually switch your
    life back on and connect
    to the hive, it may be
    dangerous with no stable
    system with loads of
    vulnerabilities.


    "Melinda Gates urges
    wealthy nations to stop
    'hoarding' Covid vaccines"
    I was hoping for a more
    exciting headline, like
    Her asking Bill to stop
    hoarding his money.

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