What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

There's now a saliva
test which claims to tell
whether you're gay or
straight.
I guess the deciding factor
is if it tastes of fucking
cum.


A BBC worker was sacked
for downloading porn
at work - despite being
completely blind.
A colleague said, "No one
can understand why he
was downloading porn,
he's been blind since he
was a teenager."
Hmm....... I wonder what
caused that.



Princess Eugenie has
given birth to a baby boy.
Her father Prince Andrew,
says he is overjoyed
and can't wait to wet the
baby's head... And face
and chest.
And if it's got another
round in it, all over it's
back too.


What's with all the double
barreled names with
footballers.
Used to be stinky old
cunts that drove Jags,
played golf and wore
tweeted jackets with leather
elbow patches.
I suppose that's what
getting paid $400,000 a
week does to you.
Oh... the equality.

[Piper]

Oprah was asked if she
thinks Harry and Meghan 's
interview will surpass
Michael Jackson' s viewing
figures.
Personally I don't think
they'll beat it.


Looks like Meghan Markle
or whatever the fuck she's
now called is now going
to have to search for
other planets to tell that
she doesn't want publicity
now that she's told the 7.4
billion people of Earth.


The neighbours kept
me up all night because
they were having sex in
the early hours of the
morning.
I would've asked my wife
to knock on their door, but
she was out playing tennis
wlth her friends...


Sex is a bit like clicking
your pen: It's fine when
you do it, but it's not
something someone else
wants to hear.


I made my wife so happy
last night when I told her
she has "the face of a
princess."
She was much less so
when I elaborated I was
specifically talking about
Beatrice.


New research shows porn
give young people an
unrealistic and unhealthy
idea of how quickly a
plumber will come to your
house.


People think that being a
taxi driver with dyslexia is
difficult.
It's as easy as C, A, B


I got depressed when
I lost my job at the
Apple factory.
"Have you been taking
any tablets?" asked the
doctors.
"Yeah why do you think I
got the fucking sack?"


My ex-wife was livid with
me because our young
daughter was crying after
my one night of custody
with her...
"What,?" I asked, You told
me she loved watching
that piggy thing? "
" I meant peppa pig, not
fucking Deliverance. "


Apparently mine and the
wife's idea of all black
men being hung are totally
different.


I always know when
my girlfriend has had
an orgasm, in fact I am
confident.
It's the look on her face
when she comes home....


What do you call a Korean
paedophile?
Li Kim Young.


Why does the Argentine
navy have a submarine?.
So it can go underwater
and check out the rest of
It's navy.


"Anvil: the 80's metal band icons
who were born to fail"
After every concert they'd
go to the bar and get
hammered.


Porn improves cardio-vascular
fitness, lowers blood pressure,
helps with mental health,
lmproves sexual well-being and
can iead to better
relationships, claim the
WHO.


"Push! Push!" I screamed
at my pregnant wife today.
But her efforts still
couldn't get my car to
start, the lazy twat.


"I put an abortion clinic
out of business."
"I didn't realise you were
so pro life and anti-abortion."
"I'm not, I opened a coat
hanger shop next door to
it."


Nicola Sturgeon has
warned Scots not to book
Easter holidays.
Looks like Blackpool's
East European prostitutes
will have to wait until
summer before they can
afford smack again.


Bored during
lockdown????
Call a women’s group and
ask to speak to the man in
charge.


Lesson learned tonight :
There is no such thing as
a goalie in darts.

[Piper]

Prince Philip is in the King
Edward VII Hospital in
London as a precaution.
He obviously didn't drive
there then.


Prince Philip has been
admitted to hospital as
a precautionary measure
after 'feeling unwell.'
Myself and the other 4.4
million on the NHS
waiting list wish him a
speedy recovery.


If the Prince gets out of
hospital this time, he's
gonna party like he's 99!


Prince Philip admitted to
hospital after feeling a bit
flaky. Well,he is 99.


Prince Philip, Duke of
Edinburgh
Royal Knight of the Garter
Prince Andrew, Duke of
York
Royal Knight of the Minor
Garter.


Prince Harry 'will be
banned from wearing
military outfits as official
events when he is stripped
of honorary titles '
Oh well, there's still the SS
uniform.

[Piper]

"Dolly Parton asks for
statue plans to go on
hold."
For purely practical
reasons. The sculptor said
if carved faithfully it would
be so top heavy it would
fall over.


Dolly Parton has asked
the state of Tennessee
not to erect a statue of
her, saying she doesn't
think it's right with the way
things are at the moment.
I would agree a statue
seems a bit much.
A bust would be more
appropriate.


Gary Glitter has been
given the covid vaccine in
prison.
He has had a prick in him
for a change.


NASA's Perseverance
rover has finally landed on
Mars.
That's the most effort
anyone has put into
investigating a dry and
barren wasteland since
Madonna's gynaecologist
at her last smear test.


NASA have landed a Rover
on Mars after a 300million
mile voyage.
Fucking Hell, the one I
drove in the 90s barely
used to make it to
Wellington.

[Piper]

Working at McDonald's isn't great
and I often find myself
laughed at by customers when
I try and flirt a little.
Just the other day for example
some young bird said, "You
have no chance with me
pin dick, hurry up
with my order!"
I smiled and replied, "once
you have tried a big mac, you
won't be needing your chicken
nuggets. "


Did you hear about the 2 gay
ghosts?
They were putting the
willies up each other.


If only 6 of the 7 dwarfs
turned up for work would
They be shorted staffed?



The Telegraph:
Harry and Megan tell the Queen
they will not return as
working Royals :
Now there's an oxymoron
if ever I heard one.

[Piper]

"The only wrong way to
be a woman these days is
to stand up for woman's
rights.
Try lying down instead
most managers can't
resist that.


Kim Kardashian files for
divorce from Kanye West.
Makes a nice change to
hear of a black not just
filing to escape from
prison.


When Meghan Markle saw
an advert for washing up
iquid saying "Women all
over America are fighting
greasy pots and pans,"
She was so outraged by
the sexist, demoralising
content it prompted her
To write to the advertising
company complaining
that it's not iust a
woman’s job and that all
her servants had equal
opportunities.


" Two wines please. "
" Did you girls come
together tonight?"
"Yes"
"Cool. Did you get it on
video?"


When my wife said she
was going to give up
chocolate for Lent this
year, I said she'd never be
able to do it.
"I was right," I laughed
to myself, as I was
coming home two days
later this black guy was
climbing like a monkey
right out of our bedroom
window.


Harry went into his
relationship with Meghan
with his flies wide open.


Prince Charles
encourage children to
explore nature.
Just like he did his own
children
..... with shotguns and
packs of dogs.


'underground church'
pastor arrested... "
He was betrayed by a
mole.


" Texas Rocked By Food
Shortages... "
Not as drastic as it
sounds, apparently it's
a new progressive band
from Abilene.

[Piper]

Disney adds content
warning over 'negative
stereotypes' on Jim
Henson's comedy show
from the late 1970s.
Muppets.


"Do you have any Disney
films?"
"I have some Mickey
Mouse ones."
"No thanks, I'm looking for
the real thing."


I just heard Daft
Punk have split up
What Da Funk?


What did Meghan Markle
say to Harry the moment
after he said "I Do"?
"Ha ha, you've been
tango'ed."




White vowels : A, E, I, O, U
and sometimes Y
Black vowels : I O U? Y?


I've heard a bit of the
interview with Harry and
Meg's and it went a bit like
this,
" Yeah, so had a bit of a
Barney with me old man
n that, fell out with me
sister coz she's proper
envious of my acting in
that, oh and I bagged a
Prince, alright he's a ginger
but you gets em where
you can, and there was
no fooking way I was
going to stand next to that
skinny fooker Kate, she
made me look a right fat
cunt, anyway, I'm off to
cash me nexfilx cheque
Ya bastards, see Ya"...

[Piper]

On Friday we had that
absolutely insufferable
"Diversity Training" where
like they were instructed
at Coca Cola, we were told
to be "Less White"!
So on Monday I do just
what they fucking want
and get all blacked up
and wear in a set of Joke
Store lips and some bling
bling, and now I'm told I'm
facing the sack.


A gorgeous, big-titted
blonde hopped in the back
of my taxi.
"Where to love?"
I enquired.
"How about your place."
She purred.
"Okay," I replied, "that'll
be about £23 though it's
quite far."


"If you want to live a
happy life, tie it to a goal" -
Albert Einstein.
We'll I tried that, genius
and all I got was a lifetime
ban from Chelsea and
Six weeks for indecent
exposure.


The child who is not
embraced by the village,
will burn it down to feel its
warmth ( African Proverb )
I come from a broken
home. I broke it. ( Sid Snot )


SpecSavers are building a
Supercentre in China.
That's a site for sore eyes.


I asked a guy from
Birmingham if he was free
to tell me the name of the
upcoming James Bond
film.
"No time today" he replied
"No worries I'll ask
someone else then," I said.


I saw a golf buggy parked
in a disabled parking
space outside countdown
this morning. I thought to myself, "I
wonder what his handicap
is?"


How many times did Tiger
Woods car fly through the
air?
Fore!


Tiger Woods has been
pulled from the wreckage
of a serious car crash
Surprising he's usually
very good at driving.


Bad day for people named
after animals
Sturgeon
Salmond
Tiger


What's the difference
between Tiger Woods
playing golf and driving a
car?
In golf, Tiger can
stay out of the trees.


Tiger Woods owns a lot of
expensive cars.
Now he has a hole in one.


I can't blame Tiger for that
one, he was between
clubs.


So, Tiger Woods in
hospital.
He needs to practice his
drive.


Tiger Woods shouldÂ’ve
used a driver


Looks like Tiger Woods
needs some driving
lessons


A misjudged little birdie
told me Tiger Woods was
Shit at driving.


I knew the Duke of
Edinburgh had given lp
his driving licence.
I didnt know he'd given it
to Tiger Woods.


Tiger Woods Sat Nav after
crashing
FOREEE RIGHT!


That's a roll in one...

Top Tip:
If you're gardening in LA,
and someone shouts
'FOUR', Quickly check the
sky for SUV's


PGA to reassess Tiger
Woods handicap.


Tiger into the rough


Sheriff said regarding the
Tiger Woods crash that
there was "no sign of
braking no skidmarks"
Have they checked inside
his underwear?

[Jase H]

"I saw a golf buggy parked
in a disabled parking
space outside countdown
this morning. I thought to myself, "I
wonder what his handicap
is?"

It's probably Tiger Woods. Didn't think a professional golfer could drive so bad...

[Piper]

Stay with me on this... I've
just read that a white
guy, Harry Shearer, who
does voice of Dr Hibbert
in The Simpsons is to
be replaced by black
actor Kevin Richardson
as the show said white
actors would stop doing
voices of ethnic minority
characters. Poor Harry
Shearer does voice of
Mr Burns and Waylon
Smithers Jnr too and as
Waylons character came
out as gay a few years
ago looks like Harry is
going to lose another
voice. If they don't take
work off him that means
The Simpsons are fair
with ethnic minorities but
not with homosexuals.
I see it as black actor
stealing white guys job
and if Harry is going to
lose his Waylon voice to
a homosexual actor he is
going to feel shafted. The
Simpsons, so true to life.


What's the difference
between a car and a golf
ball?
Tiger can drive a ball 300
Yards without a near-death
experience.


The crash seems to have
damaged his legs, but the
jolt might have reset his
back. Too early to say if
It's an eagle or a double
bogey.


After watching Tiger
Woods on the tele for
years, I always thought he
was a good driver.
After seeing the state of
his car after his crash,
obviously he's lost his
touch.


So much for eye of the
Tiger! Should've looked
where he was going.


I know we often confused
Black celebrities with
each other but the Queen
confusing Tiger Woods
with Meghan Markle is a
bit over the top.


We had a rolling blackout
in our area yesterday.
Turned out it was Tiger
Woods.


"Putt- putt- - putt- putt- putt-
putt-putt-putt." - Tiger
Woods exhaust pipe.


Poor Tiger Woods. It's
going to be a while for him
to put his hands on the
end of a big long shaft.
Oooooooh.


I've just been evicted.
Unlike Tiger Woods, I need
a place to crash.


Last night I couldn't
remember the name of
that horse that recently
won 2 grand nationals in
consecutive year, then I
flicked the news on and it
came to me.
Tiger Roll.


I've been saying it for
years,. If Tiger Woods is
going to get competitive
again, he's got to improve
his driving


If only he'd used that
little lemon wipe after
devouring his Bargain
Bucket the crash may
never have happened

[Piper]

The Guardian :
Sailor survives for 14
hours in ocean by clinging
to a buoy.
Isn't that what sailors do
best?


The nurses treating Tiger
Woods say he's firmly
upright and in good spirits and
said to be much more like
his old self.
That's reassuring to hear
that he's already pissed and
got an erection


Hello and welcome to
another episode of Top
Gear. On tonight’s show
our star in a reasonably
priced car is Tiger Woods
and he is going to be
finding out which is the
quickest way to the local
hospital.
By ambulance or by SUV?


Tiger Woods wife has
admitted she has a major
feet fetish
That's neat, that's neat,
That's neat, that's neat.


It's the first time I've seen
Tiger drive off into the
rough.



The sherrif who attended
the Tiger Woods, accident
comfirmed he wasn't
drunk.
"We asked him to do a
field sobriety test where
the driver is asked to
count from 1 to 100 really
fast. And we were really
happy that he did it with
100 doller bills as well."

[Piper]

Following on from Mr Potato Head
becoming gender neutral, children's
classic The Mr Men is to be renamed
so it is no longer offensive.
It will now be known as "The
Coloured People" .


Mr Potato Head is now just called
Potato Head. As a result, Mrs Potato
Head now wishes to be known by her
first name, Jackie.


Mr Potato Head has gone
the same way as ponce
Harry he's also lost his
meat 'n two veg!


" Mr Potato Head" is
getting the Mr dropped
in a half-baked gender-
inclusive rebrand so young
kids can play with it and
can "create same-gender
couples with two dad's '
and such.
I'm more disturbed as to
why they think anyone
this young would even
Comtemplate engaging in
this kind of role-play.


I met a female TV
presenter.
I told her to bend over and
present.


I went for a job as a
labourer on a nearby
building site.
The gaffer said, "Can you
make a cup of tea?"
I said, "Yes"
He said, "Can you drive a
forklift?"
I said, "How big is the
fucking teapot?


We were watching a film on the
telly when all of a sudden the bloke
lifts the woman onto the kitchen
top and starts to make love to her.
" Yeah right, " said the wife," As if
that happens. "
" I totally agree, " I replied, " the
only thing that gets fucked in our
kitchen is the food"!


I whispered in her eat what I
would like to do to her and she
said, "I'm getting really wet."
"Turns you on does it?" I asked
"No," she replied, "You dribble a lot."


My wife is always telling me I do not
know anything... how wrong she is.
I know her sister has a birthmark
on the top of her inner leg and her
husband leaves for work at 9am.


Should lesbians be allowed on "Who
Wants To Be A Millionaire?
They have an unfair advantage in
the fastest finger first round.


Easter's coming and I was checking
out some chocolate eggs in the
supermarket.
Then the black teen spotted me
staring down her top.


At 100 and out, Capt. Sir
Tom Moore scored higher
than the English cricket
team v India.

[Piper]

I feel so sorry for the next
generation growing up in
Scotland if the SNP make
law their new hate crime
Bill and gender recognition
act-where you can legally
change your gender at will,
with no checks, doctors
agreement or anything....

"Doctor, we've been unable
to conceive a baby"

"They'd because your both
biologically male"

"No, I'm a man and my
wife is a woman"

"No, your wife is
biologically male"

"Biological? What's that?
She's not a man"

"It's taboo science thing,
it explains how men and
women reproduce"

"But I'm a man and she's
a woman. You need a
man and a woman to
reproduce, we learned that
at school"

"No, you're both
biologically men, you both
have penises and testes"

"No, I'm a man with a
penis and my wife is a
woman with a penis. And
everyone knows men can
have babies now anyway"

"Yes, but those men who
have babies are actually
biologically women"

"OMG!!! I'm reporting you
to the police for a hate
crime and I demand a
second opinion from
a doctor who is not a
transphobe!"

[Piper]

Don't know much about
history,
Don't know much biology,
Don't know much about a
science book,
Don't know much about
the french I took.
Don't know much about
geography,
Don't know much trigonometry
Don't know much about
algebra,
Don't know what s slide
rule is for.

Sam Cooke could have
saved himself the bother
of having to say all that by,
simply saying "I'm black."


A handsome young man
named Skinner
Once took a girl out to
dinner
By a quarter to nine,
They started to dine.,
And by quarter to ten it
was in her
( The dinner, not Skinner )

Another young man
named Tupper
Took the same girl out to
supper.
By quarter past ten,
They were at it again,
And by quarter to twelve it
was up her
( Not Tupper, some bastard
called Skinner )


Coca Cola have advised
all their employees to
be "Less White"
Seamed a good idea until
they all stopped working.


NYPD's $57,000 robotic
police dog named Digidog
accused of racism - as
It seems to only pick on
communities of colour.
That's not racsim, that's
smarts.

[Piper]

Southhampton's defence have
bigger gaps than a coons front
teeth.


"Any man who calls a spade a spade
should be compelled to use one.
It is all he's fit for"
( Oscar Wilde)
But any man who is a spade is too lazy
to pick one up.


What did Elton John say after his 7th
can of Amstel?
Amstel standing Yeah Yeah Yeah.


Kevin De Bruyne has laid
on more balls this season
than Taylor Swift.


I've decided to respect
Harry and Megan's
request for privacy by
not watching their Oprah
interview.


"Clementine Ford's vile
rant against 'garbage' men
of Married At First Sight."
She shouldn't alienate
them if she wants to
get laid in future. Only a
garbage man would shag
an evil bitch like her.


"Oldest footage of
London ever shows
Capital's 'incredible' 100-
year transformation."
Yes, truly amazing. I didn't
see one minaret, one
black face or any men
holding hands.