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Thread: What's your sickest joke?

  1. #1621
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Now listen
    carefully
    007....press this
    button to pick
    the cotton and,
    this one to put it
    in the sack.

    Unlike some,I'm
    optimistic about
    the new black
    007.I reckon
    she'll steal the
    show.

    New 007: "Vodka
    Martini...
    Stabbed,not
    stirred.

    As the good
    looking suave
    villain seduced
    Jane Bond,he
    started his
    lovemaking at a
    sedate pace and
    building up to a
    frenetic climax in
    which he called,
    "Yeah,yeah
    who's your
    daddy," "Fuck
    you," replied
    Bond.

  2. #1622
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Scotland has the
    highest rate of
    drug induced
    deaths in Europe.
    It's all down to
    the Braveheart
    menality.The
    desire to have
    your face turn
    blue as a final act
    of defiance.

    When people call
    me a bald cunt.I
    say it's a solar
    panel for the love
    machine.

    Natalie Imbruglia
    is pregnant at 44
    thanks to IVF. A
    bit old and
    inexperienced for
    a first pregnancy.
    Let's hope she
    gets seen by the
    midwife in plenty
    of time or it
    could be a case
    of:You're a little
    late, I'm already
    torn.

    The government
    has gone too far
    on it;s
    anti-obesity drive
    with their less
    sugar in this and
    reduced salt in
    that.The final
    straw is the
    heating
    instructions on
    ready meals are
    so small you
    strave to death.

  3. #1623
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    20th January 2010 - 14:41
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    Donald Trump goes to the doctors and says,
    "Doctor doctor, every time I look in the
    mirror I get aroused."

    The doctor replies, "I'm not surprised...
    you're a cunt."
    Quote Originally Posted by Katman View Post
    I reminder distinctly .




    Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken

  4. #1624
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I joined a Dating
    website the other day,
    they asked me what I
    was interested in.So I
    wrote,'page 3 girls,I
    think they're really
    sexy.' I wondered why
    I hadn't had any
    responses until I
    realised the letter p
    on my keyboard
    wasn't working......

    My girlfriend is in a
    charity hospital who
    don't charge anything
    so long as we don't
    call the baby if its a
    boy any of the
    following: Hosea,Joel,
    Amos,Obadiah,Jonah,
    Micab,Nahum,
    Habakkuk,Zephainsh,
    Haggai,Zechariah,and
    Malachi.They are a
    non prophet making
    organisation.

    Women always say
    "Size doesn't
    matter" but have
    you seen anyone of
    them owning a 4
    inch dildo?

    Why does the Avon
    lady walk funny?
    Because Max
    Factor.

    Dillian Whyte has
    failed a drugs test.
    There's an anxious
    wait now for the
    results of the B
    sample.His trusted
    dealer status is on
    the line.

    90% of women don't
    like men in pink
    shirts.Ironically,90%
    of men in pink shirts
    don't like women.

    Pirate: The cannons
    be ready,captain.
    Captain: Are

    My wife said she
    didn't need me
    anymore.So I
    sneaked into the
    kitchen and tightened
    all the lids.

  5. #1625
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Before my grandad
    died he said,"Your
    generation relies on
    too much technology
    these days." So I
    replied,"No your
    generation relies on
    too much techology."
    He disagreed so I
    unplugged his life
    support.

    Is there really such a
    thing as bisexual?
    Isn't it just homos
    getting it right
    occasionally.

    DRIVERS: Whatever
    you do,don't get the
    U2 voiced navman.The
    streets have no
    names and you'll
    never find what you
    are looking for.

    How many software
    developers does it
    take to change a
    lightblub? None.It's a
    hardware problem.

    They say money
    changes people and I
    have to agree.I
    cancelled my wife's
    credit cards and she
    turned into a
    complete cunt.

    My wife said to me,
    "Did you remember to get
    some condoms?"
    I said,"No,but I got some black
    bin bags."
    She laughed and said,"Your
    cock's not that big."
    I said,"I know,but your
    fucking fanny is."

    MAKEUP: Because
    women know that
    men deserve better.

    Kids TV in the near
    future....Mo the
    Builder,Postman
    Patel,Hingu.
    Smellytubbies,
    Noggin the nignog
    Fireman Sambo.

  6. #1626
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Question Sick Text Joke

    I want to see if
    you's can
    guess which
    country I'm from-
    My country has
    a population
    equal to a quarter
    of London's-It's
    shaped like a
    chicken-Our
    massive army
    consists of a few
    hundred soliders,
    two tanks and a
    helicopter-Our
    welfare is almost
    as high as
    minimum wage
    and neither
    fullfills basic
    financial needs
    unless expenses
    are shared-We
    have free
    education and
    medical care but
    both are shit-Our
    folk hero is
    a man who
    smuggled salt on
    a skinny mare
    and cut the head
    off a turkish
    warrior-Our
    country is the
    perfect size for a
    warning shot in
    case of a nuclear
    war-We hate
    nearly all
    neighbouring
    countries and
    they hate us-Our
    country is
    younger than
    Rihanna-We
    pride ourselves
    on our drinkable
    water reserves
    yet sold many of
    them to arabs
    and fucking
    Heinken-We're
    likely the next
    line after Greece
    to have a
    financial
    meltdown-We're
    the crossroads
    of international
    mafia trading
    routes,yet our
    crime rates are
    low-We used to
    live under a
    dictatorship but
    everyone born
    between the 50s
    and 80s misses it
    with deep
    melancholy-We're
    one of the
    highest consumers
    of alcohol.

  7. #1627
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    AUSTRALIAN
    BOWLERS: Use
    wet and dry on
    the cricket ball,
    that way you can
    cheat in the rain
    or damp
    conditions as
    well.


    "Britains first
    female muslim
    jockey set for
    Glorious
    Goodwood debut"
    My friend
    Muhammad says
    she's very popular
    at the mosque a
    good ride in fact.


    Red sky at night
    shepherd's
    delight.Blue sky
    at
    night.........Day.


    What do you say
    to a Jew after a
    car accident?
    Agolf Hitya.

    My wife's been
    complaining alot
    about my sex
    drive recently.
    "Over seven
    hours to that
    whorehouse in
    Brussels!"


    BMW have
    announced
    improvements to
    all models.
    They're removed
    redundant
    indicators,but
    added three new
    horns to use as
    dick extensions in
    case another
    road user does
    something you
    don't like.

  8. #1628
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    Smile Sick Text Joke

    Two Irish blokes were
    standing on a cliff with
    their arms out.One had
    a row of budgies on
    each arm and the other
    had a row of parrots
    down each arm and
    they both jumped off,
    landing on the rocks
    below.Later in hospital,
    both with multiple
    broken bones,cuts and
    bruises,Paddy says
    "Well I'm fucked if I'm
    doing budgie jumping
    again." Murphy replies,
    "And that was the last
    time I'll try parrot
    gilding."

  9. #1629
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    20th January 2010 - 14:41
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    Quote Originally Posted by Katman View Post
    I reminder distinctly .




    Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken

  10. #1630
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    The Aussie
    cricket team are
    looking to recruit
    Funniman,he's
    exactly the kind
    of person they
    need....Coach
    Justin Langer
    said,"He's a
    bigger cheater
    than Cameron
    Bancroft.



    When I married
    my wife 20 years
    ago she was a
    real sex Bomb.
    These days she's
    well and truly
    defused.


    When Prince
    Harry recently
    wrote an article
    about the
    pernicious affects
    of "Unconcious
    racism," I think
    he was trying to
    teach people a
    very important
    lesson.That even
    married men now
    have to spout
    feminist drivel if
    they want to get
    a shag.


    Why do gay's like
    to go off-road?
    They enjoy the
    bumpiness.


    I was trying to
    piss a skidmark
    off the side of
    the bowl earlier,
    when I thought
    to myself:"Maybe
    the dish washer
    would have been
    a better option."


    French inventor
    Franky Zapata
    successfully
    crossed the
    English Channel
    for the first time
    on his
    hoverboard.
    Michael J Fox
    was seen shaking
    his fists in
    celebration.


    I worked from
    the ground up to
    start a very
    successful Loan
    business in
    Israel...I've paid
    my Jews.

  11. #1631
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Apt that in the UK
    a Trump is Foul
    hot air that is
    emitted by an
    arsehole.And
    that in the U.S.A
    johnson is slang
    for a penis.


    Ian Watkins has
    been given 10
    months for
    getting caught
    with a mobile
    phone up his arse
    in prison.In his
    defence,he said
    it was his brown
    eye phone.


    Why does Boy
    George prefer
    Green Tea? Because
    it's a Calmer
    Camellia.


    Opinions are like
    arseholes.My
    wife likes to keep
    her's to herself.


    If Boris does go
    to an early
    election,voters
    will have a
    simple choice-
    Priti Patel or
    ugly Abbott.


    It's amazing,but
    my wife is the
    lead singer in a
    all-female
    Beatles cover
    band with three
    of her fat mates.
    The Flab Four.


    OLD PEOPLE:
    Turning the large
    circular thing on
    the front of your
    dashboard every
    now and then
    stops you
    wandering across
    the other side of
    the fucking road!


    I just looked up
    Hotel Trivago
    online.I couldn't
    even book it.


    If I fuck my own
    mother,does that
    make her
    marmalade?


    Modern women
    are confident and
    educated enough
    to best even the
    most intelligent
    males in a heated
    debate.....By
    busting into
    tears.

  12. #1632
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    James Bond user
    guide: Baddie-
    strokes white
    pussy-Goodie-
    strokes black
    pussy.


    My ex is such a
    slut you can find
    her cunt by
    Navman,marked as a
    public right of
    way.


    Why are blacks
    miserable?
    Niggertivity.


    I was tied naked
    face down on the
    bench when the
    Dominatrix
    entered the room
    she show me
    a very large
    onion and said
    "This is going to
    make your eyes
    water.: I replied
    "Phew thank fuck
    for that I thought
    you were going
    to stick something
    up my
    AAAAAARRGH."


    At school you're
    told not to meet
    strangers from
    the Internet.In
    case they want to
    have sex with
    you.As an adult,
    you happily meet
    strangers from
    the Internet.In
    case they want to
    have sex with you.

    I had that
    horrible thing
    earlier where
    you're walking
    behind what you
    think is a nice bit
    of stuff,long hair,
    nice arse,bit of a
    wiggle and,just
    as you're starting
    to imagine
    yourself in there,
    they turn round
    and..its a
    fucking Female.


    Mary Mary guite
    contrary how
    does your garden
    grow? With coke
    and speed and
    Ganja weed,and
    crack as white as
    snow."


    "I married my
    BFF." "Best friend
    forever?" "No,
    big fat fuck."



    I was just online
    and saw an ad
    asking: What is
    your IQ? What's
    IQ?


    I have this OCD
    trait where I have
    to quickly unlock
    and lock the doors
    at least 3 times so
    I feel comfortable
    they really are
    locked...You may
    not think it sounds
    that bad...but I'm a
    fucking prison
    warden.

  13. #1633
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Why did the
    nurse need a red
    pen at work? In
    case she needed
    to draw blood.


    My doctor says I'm
    suffering from
    fluid retention.I
    need to get a
    girlfriend and fast.


    I'm quite the
    expert on
    Palmistry.I've
    written a
    handbook.


    My Muslim
    neighbour recently
    enlightened me to
    the fact that the
    word 'paki' isn't
    offensive as it,in
    fact,means pure.
    So,I can only jump
    to the logical
    conclusion that
    'stani,' must mean
    cunt.


    My Indian
    neighbour angrily
    accused me of not
    respecting his
    culture."Not
    true," I said,"Just
    the other day I
    launched my new
    sex guide for
    simple men in Indian
    called 'The Palma
    Sutra.'


    Morleys chicken
    cottage and Dixy
    chicken have
    been issued with
    the new
    #knifefree boxes.
    Why have KFC
    not been
    targeted by the
    goverment,
    doesn't KFC
    stand for kill a
    fucking coon.
    What's next knife
    free water
    melons?


    I don't know why
    Black people are
    angry about the
    knife free chicken
    campaign.
    Lesbians were
    fine with the KFC
    boneless box.


    My wife studied
    to become an
    arcaeologist,she
    loves digging up
    the past.


    "No thanks,I'm
    vegetarian" is a
    fun thing to say
    when someone
    tries to hand you
    a baby.


    On our
    Honeymoon my
    wife asked if I
    knew where her
    Clitoris and G-spot
    were....I said
    "How the fuck
    should I know?
    You packed the
    cases!"


    My mate's wife
    had an affair with
    her Dentist,he
    said,"lie back and
    open wide" the
    rest you can work
    out for yourself.


    The first rule of
    Gay Club is
    always come in
    the back
    entrance.


    I've lost the
    instructions on
    how to build a
    propeller for my
    aircraft...So I'm
    just going to
    have to wing it.


    You have heard
    of the saying
    "safety in
    numbers" Try
    telling that to six
    million jews.
    ( credit to Jimmy Carr )

  14. #1634
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    Sick Text Jokes

    The sign in the
    public toilet says
    "Do not flush
    anything other
    than toilet paper
    down the toilet."
    What the fuck do
    I do with all this
    diarrhea?


    The wife said to
    me,"Why can't
    you take
    anything
    seriously? Is it
    because you're
    affaid to show
    your true
    feelings?" I
    gently took her
    arm and said,"Sit
    down love and
    let's talk about
    it." That
    whoopee cushion
    was fucking
    awesome!


    Black Rights have
    come a long way
    since the days of
    slavery.All they
    ever wanted was a
    fair crack of the
    whip.


    I find people get
    friendler as I get
    older.Only
    yesterday a
    complete stranger
    complemented me
    on the size of my
    penis as I crossed
    the road.He said,
    "OY,Ya big prick,
    get out of the way.


    Dear Doctor: How
    do you expect me
    to lose weight if all
    the pills you
    prescribe for me
    must be taken
    with food??


    In a book shop
    yesterday,I asked
    the female
    assistant where
    the anal sex
    section was.She
    said,"Around the
    back love."


    For those whom
    are unsure about
    gay marriage,just
    know it's like
    normal marriage
    but with blowjobs,
    handjobs,lots of
    anal and far fewer
    arguments about
    who the hell left
    the toilet seat up.


    My local zoo is
    appealing for
    funds to build a
    new elephant
    enclosure to keep
    the herd warmer
    during the cold
    nights.I went
    down right away
    and handed the
    zookeeper 20
    pairs of my wife's
    knickers.He
    said.."I don't
    think we'll raise
    much money with
    them." "I know" I
    replied..."I
    thought they
    could use them
    as beanies in the
    meantime."

  15. #1635
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    In paris..A waiter
    got shot for being
    a slow cunt...just
    goes to show
    hey..if you give
    someone snails
    they will repay
    you with slugs.


    BREAKING
    NEWS: 5000
    Israeli troops just
    entered Jordan.
    She is tired and
    has a sore arse
    but said not to
    worry,she will be
    ready for more
    tomorrow.


    "Man who
    collected hole
    punches for 50
    years is having to
    sell the lot for
    $400" "$400 for
    all that anal
    fisting? Must
    have an arse like
    a wind sock."


    Just thought,
    I'm on my 8th
    pint in the pub
    and the wife
    phones."If your
    not home in half
    an hour I'm locking
    you out." Is she
    really locking me
    out or locking
    herself in.?

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