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Thread: What's your sickest joke?

  1. #2326
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    The new bloke at work's invited me over to his place tonight for some 'man fun'.



    Awesome. I hope he's got table football and a PS5.



    Not saying Kate Bush has put on a few pounds over the years or anything, but her new single is called Getting a Taxi Up That Hill.



    A guy goes into a pub with a Lion and asks the barman if he serves Niggers. The barman says "We don't discriminate against anyone." The guy says "Good. A pint for me and a Nigger for the Lion."



    Women's health company unveils Period Crunch? cereal shaped like a uterus that makes the milk turn red to remind people to talk about periods.
    I recommend mashing up a Kipper among it for extra realism.





    I pulled my car to the kerb and offered the hooker 20 for a suck job.

    I drove her to a secluded car park, passed her the syphon and told her not to stop until I had a full tank.




    Seeing Absolutely Fabulous on Gold takes me back to a golden age of comedy.

    When you could say this isn't fucking funny and not be called some kind of Phobic.




    My sister has a nut allergy.

    Well, I say 'allergy', she's a lesbian.



    Police are looking for two armed men who got away with a fortune from a petrol station.

    It's been reported that they got away with two full gallons.



    Important news for women: Scientists have discovered that spending all day copying and pasting amusing quotes onto Facebook statuses and passing it off as your own, does not constitute wit



    '...People say I'm a hoarder.

    Not true, because you never know when someone will call round with a Nokia 2160 and needs to connect to a fax machine.'



    My neighbour's been a right prick lately, and I've punished him by breaking into his house at night and stealing... his wife's tampons.



    I hear they've stopped using artificial fertilizers in Holland. They grow their flowers using pulverized furry rodents as soil feed.


    it?s tulips from hamster jam.



    The number one movie in America is Top Gun, their number one song is Kate Bush Driving Up That Hill, and America is in a proxy war with Russia. Fuck it. Why don't we give 1986 another go?




    If petrol gets any more expensive I'm going to have to go back to drinking vodka.




    Sir Paul McCartney 'will
    perform at Glastonbury
    2022' at the age of 80
    -making history as
    festival's oldest
    headline act.

  2. #2327
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    BREAKING NEWS :

    Solar radiation has turned the
    American flags on the moon pure
    white.
    So now it looks like France landed
    there first.


    Sir Lenny Henry questions
    the lack of diversity at
    Glastonbury and says he
    is 'always surprised' to see
    so few black and Asian
    faces in the crowd,
    Yeah. They're all out the
    back nicking Ipads from
    the tents.


    If Sir Lenny Hennry wants
    to see more black faces
    he should become a
    prison visitor.


    BREAKING NEWS :

    Prince Harry takes a
    tumble at the polo : Duke
    Falls off his horse, - Daily
    Mail UK.
    An insider said, "This is
    the first time Harry
    has fallen off his horse,
    but that was because
    Meghan was rocking it too
    fast."

  3. #2328
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    BREAKING NEWS :

    Paul McCartney
    celebrates his 80th
    birthday with Stella in
    Mykonos. - Daily Mail UK

    You would think with all
    his wealth, he would have
    bought at least ONE bottle
    of champagne.


    If Jimmy Saville was
    black, I can guarantee you
    that his cock would have
    been far bigger than those
    brown cigars he smoked


    Lucy Worsley had a little
    Lamb
    And she called it
    Glastonbury
    Lucy wore a skimpy
    Cheerleaders skirt
    And so does Katy Perry

    Phoooor

    ??????????????????


    Tom Hanks says he
    wouldn't accept role as
    gay man in Philadelphia in
    modern times.

    Bollocks.

    If they put Whoopii
    Goldberg in the lead role
    of Winston Churchill
    biopic, and she was
    convincing, I'd call her a
    fucking good actor.


    The Notting Hill Carnival
    has been cancelled this
    year but don't worry,
    you can recreate the
    entire experience at
    home by simply banging
    saucepans together for 16
    hours, taking a shit in your
    front garden, handing over
    your wallet to a complete
    stranger and stabbing
    yourself!


    There's a new No.1 in the
    charts 37 years after its
    initial release
    I thought most kids
    nowadays wouldn't even
    appreciate a fantastic
    Bush.


    There's a new No.1 in the
    charts, 37 years after Kate
    Bush released it.
    Finally, I can take my fingers
    off play and record.


    Just saw a recent photo
    of Kate Bush.
    I don't think she'll be
    running anywhere.


    BMW drivers are taking
    pride month a bit
    seriously.
    This one's been up my
    arse for 5 miles!

  4. #2329
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    ( In the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody )

    Is this a real cold?
    Is it just allergies?
    Caught in a landslide
    of pollen falling off the tress
    Open your eyes
    Look up to the skies and sneeze
    I'm out of Kleenex
    Need antihistamines
    Because my stopped - up nose
    Cannot blow
    Fever's high
    Then it's low
    Any way the wind blows
    It's always full of pollen
    For me...
    For me..


    Call me silly, but sticking
    your dick in another man's
    asshole doesn't merit a
    special flag or month long
    celebration.


    People who think there's
    no difference between
    taking kids to Pride
    parades and taking
    them to Pantomimes,
    need the nuances of the
    warning "He's behind you!"
    explained to them.


    Royal Mail are issuing a
    set of stamps to celebrate
    50 years of Gay Pride.
    I'm not licking the back of
    one of those stamps!


    Do trees shit in the
    woods?
    Of course they do how
    else would we get Number
    2 pencils?


    '... All those years ago,
    Who discovered cows'
    udders give milk?


    I'm fed up with my so
    called mates, 3 times now
    they have agreed to go to
    a Whitesnake gig with me
    and then not showed up.
    Here I go again on my own.


    Greta Thunberg made a
    surprise appearance at
    Glastonbury.
    I hope she stays around
    to do the clean up
    afterwards.

  5. #2330
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    Little Johnny, aged 7, came home from school one day and asked his dad, "Daddy, where do I come from?"
    His poor father started sweating, knowing that one day his son would want to know all about "it". He looked around for his wife to take on the explanation but she was out at the shops. It was no good, his father thought. 'It's time he knew', and took the young lad to one side and explained how mummy and daddy met and then married and wanted to produce a baby and, .....well, you know the rest. After much awkwardness and embarrassment, after nearly an hour, the dad finally reached the point in the story where his son was born in hospital. The young boy's face just stared back, mouth open and speechless.
    "So, tell me son, why do you ask?"
    The boy, still in shock, said, "Billy Clark in our class, said he was from Birmingham!"

    "I need a shit, Sue."

    "I'm happy with the two dogs we have."



    My dyslexic mate always wanted to be a barrister, and now he's finally achieved his dream. He's got a job pouring coffee in Starbucks



    Aggressively inserting my wife?s tampon for her is not my favourite thing to do, but it?s definitely up there.



    BBC News just now discussing the rail strike and bemoaning the absence of trains to Glastonbury....

    Glastonbury Station closed in 1966. LOL!



    My son's teacher asked him to pick a famous figure for Black History Month.

    He came to class with a Leicester City shirt and a packet of Salt and Vinegar.


    How come if you roll a joint on a football pitch , people have sympathy..even applaud you as you are stretched off..

    I do it after my missus gives born to our first born on the maternity ward and I'm a druggy that needs to give his head a wobble .

    Women !!??

  6. #2331
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    Jurassic World star Chris
    Pratt has revealed he
    hates it when people refer
    to him by his first name,
    telling fans "Don't call me
    Chris."
    He'll be very pleased with
    me then.
    I've always called him
    "Pratt."


    I have just seen the new
    Royal Mail Pride stamp
    with two women kissing
    and wondered is it self
    adhesive or do you have
    to lick it.


    BREAKING NEWS :

    Katie Price AVOIDS jail
    AGAIN! - Daily Mail - UK
    This woman doesn't
    deserve jail.
    She's been banged more
    times than a cell door
    anyway.


    If Davina mccall knocks
    on your door with a
    camera crew ffs don't
    answer it, turns out bono
    has just found out he has
    a long lost half brother...



    Carlsberg is to conduct its
    biggest trial of recyclable
    fibre beer bottles across
    Europe.
    If the trial is successful
    the next stage is to try
    Putting some decent
    fucking beer in them.


    I'm surprised the singer
    from Spandau Ballet is
    being charged with these
    sex assaults, as he claims
    he was busy performing
    at the time of the alleged
    incidents.
    I think his alibi is Gold.


    50 Cent changes name
    to 85 Cent to adjust for
    inflation.


    CBeebies have revealed
    that their character
    is a Black Viking.
    Noggin the Wog starts on
    Monday.


    What's the big deal with
    trans men competing in
    women's sports. Serena
    Williams and his brother
    have been doing it for
    years!


    Spent 3 hours on black
    and tan last night, I wasn't
    drinking, just watching
    Serena Williams play
    tennis againsed Harmony
    Tan.


    Mr Williams lost in the
    tennis.


    Tory Depty Whip quits
    after drunkenly groping
    two male Colleagues at
    Carlton Club?
    They don't call it a Private
    Members Club for no
    reason.


    If the LGBTIQAPKD +
    community add more
    fucking letters I'm just
    calling them "the Eye chart
    Nazis."

  7. #2332
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    R Kelly believes he can fly
    We'll, the judge has
    awarded him plenty of
    time to get some practise
    in.


    Emma Raducanu has been
    knocked out.
    And I imagine so we're a
    lot of wanks as she played.


    Boris Johnson says
    Vladimir Putin would not
    have invaded Ukraine if he
    were a woman.
    I'm quite inclined to agree
    She'd never have been
    able to decide where to
    invade, or what to wear.
    And it would have taken
    so long to get ready it
    wouldn't have been worth
    it.


    2016 - Boris Johnson
    Pushes for Brexit so UK
    won't have to pay billions
    of pounds to European
    countries

    2022 - Boris Johnson
    triumphantly announces
    UK will give billions of
    pounds to European
    country of Ukraine.

  8. #2333
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    R Kelly made a serious
    mistake and is now doing
    a thirty year stretch.
    He didn't have Prince
    Andrew's lawyers.


    There are lots of drugs
    and 30-feet walls in R Kelly's
    prison.
    Let’s see how high he
    believes he can fly now.


    What did Prince Andrew
    say when he heard about
    R Kelly?
    "Is she under 18 and will
    she keep her mouth shut
    at the right price?"


    What's the difference
    between Prince Andrew
    and R Kelly?
    About 12 million quid and 30
    years.

    R Kelly is in for a long
    stretch.
    Like his victim's arseholes.


    It's been 30 years since
    R Kelly released Bump 'n'
    Grind.
    He now has another 30
    years of Bump 'n' Grind to
    look forward to.
    I don't see nothin ' wrong
    with that.


    I bet R. Kelly really wishes he
    could fly now...

    . "... These' buttery soft '
    Amazon leggings with
    over 26,000 perfect ratings
    just went on sale - starting
    at just $10.99". Daily Mail -UK.
    Buttery?
    Does that mean they
    spread easily?


    I've watched every day of
    Wimbledon so far. Still not
    seen a Womble.

    . I'm so horny
    watching Wimbledon I'm
    going to have to crack one
    out.
    It's the men's singles, and
    those ballgirls are hot.

  9. #2334
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    The biggest lie ever told
    used to be, "I won't cum in
    your mouth."
    Now it's,
    "Your call is important to
    us."


    My uncle says he was
    a victim of Friendly Fire
    during the Vietnam war.
    He had the end of his
    cock shot of by one of
    his own Snipers.
    To be fair, it was being
    sucked at the time by a
    Gook Hooker.


    The egg doesn't swim to
    the sperm bitch, never
    chase a man.

    I'm a simple guy
    All I need are the sounds
    of women's tennis and my
    imagination.

    My hot date and I were
    in the pub. She said she
    could "drink me under the
    table."
    So I got my cock out.

  10. #2335
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    I don't know why we all
    get mad at people who
    "identify" as something
    they're not
    The United States
    identifies as a free
    country...


    If you don't celebrate July
    4 don't worry.
    Because there will be six
    million photos of turkeys
    on Facebook...


    I once dated a girl nick-named
    salty knickers..
    Not sure why. Probably
    something to do with her
    love for nuts.


    Washing machines will be
    used quite a lot when the
    women's Euros begins.
    All the blokes pissing
    themselves laughing at
    the useless bitches.


    What's the difference between
    Boris Johnson and ikea?
    ikea cabinets don't
    fall apart.


    Boris Johnson spotted
    in IKEA looking for a new
    cabinet.


    So, it's OK to parade your
    genitals in public, but you
    might be asked to cover
    your face?
    What a world.


    Watching Wimbledon, I
    wondered if 'ballgirl' was
    an acceptable term for
    trans women?

  11. #2336
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    The newest firework is called "The Karen", it looks cool but has a quick fuse, and will unexpectedly explode in your face.




    Phew. Independence Day over and no alien invasion to deal with. I was worried - Will Smith is always involved and is clearly Earth's primary defender. He knocked one of the invaders out with one punch back in the 90's, but his lame Chris Rock bitch slap shows Earth's is now vulnerable to attack.


    Saturday night there was a bouncer on the door who said ?you?re not coming in with those trainers?, which was out of order. Those gym instructors are great guys.

    They done their time they?re no longer a danger to women



    US politicians say that gun laws don't work, because people get guns anyway. They have a point, murder is illegal in the US, but people do it anyway, so what is the point?


    R Kelly is said to be 'disappointed' in his 30-year sentence.

    Friends say he was hoping to get less than 14 years.


    Some of my employees have really been feeling the squeeze.

    I fucking love owning a strip club.


    Convoys of protesters demonstrating against high fuel prices caused delays and disruption on motorways and main A roads in the UK.

    I wanted to join in but I couldn't afford the petrol to get there.



    My next door neighbour just came back from holiday and caught me walking out of her front door.
    She said, 'The spare key was for emergencies, not for you to just snoop around my house!?
    'What do you take me for"? I replied, "It was an emergency, I needed a shit and my toilet doesn't flush, so I used yours."
    "Can I have my key back please"? she yelled, holding out her hand.
    I said, "It's in your top drawer next to your dildo."



    Protesting Dutch farmers are spraying parliamentary buildings with manure.

    So the outside matches the inside.



    The BBC have issued an update to their coverage on the go-slow protests. The 10 mile long line of stationary cars on the M6 has in fact been found to be just the normal Monday traffic




    Boris Johnson:

    Monday - There was no groping
    Tuesday - There may or may not have been bodily contact, but if it did happen then it was within the rules
    Wednesday - There may have been groping but I knew nothing about it
    Thursday - We will have to wait for the police to decide whether there was groping or not
    Friday - The Sue Gray report said that I did not know about the specifics of the groping
    Saturday - I couldn't have known about the groper for two years as I too busy at all those work events


    I got a phone call from marketing from the company who I'd just bought a new car off, they asked what made me chose their company and the make and model.

    "Fuck all to do with your company, or the make and model, " I answered, "It was the free gallon of petrol. "


    "Since starting prison R Kelly has put on a load of weight and I think he's become a Hindu"

    "What do you mean?"

    "Well, when I went to visit him, he had a huge red dot in the middle of his massive black forehead"

    "You need to go to Specsavers mate, that was his arse".



    The Railway Children Return is a sequel to The Railway Children after 52 years.

    Of course it features token black characters. What's the betting someone's wallet goes missing, someone gets stabbed up and a few someones get knocked up?



    Because of sky-high petrol prices thanks to the crooked Ukraine war, I decided to take the bus into town yesterday. The seat next to me in the back was one of the last ones open and this nig nog sat down next to me and gave me an absolute look of thunder for some reason.

    I asked him, "Bad day, huh ?.... wait, never mind, I forgot how much your types HATE having to sit all the way back here."



    ****TOP TIP**** Ladies, if the old man?s moaning about the looseness of the undercarriage, stop off at the butcher shop and get yourself a leg of mutton. Once home, liberally massage it with olive oil and insert, carefully removing the bone slowly afterwards?.


    Just been watching young Black tennis player Coco Guaff in the Women's doubles.
    I thought, wouldn't it be funny if she wed Iggy Pop.



    My dog likes chasing cars.

    She makes one hell of a racket if i play anything else by Snow Patrol though!




    World number 9 tennis player Cam Norrie is into the men's quarter final at Wimbledon.

    Welsh dad, Scottish mum, raised in South Africa, moved to New Zealand and went to university in America.

    A great British achievement.


    It must have been a great feeling for R Kelly when Michael Jackson had a hit with his song 'You Are Not Alone'

    Less so when his cell mate sings it with a sly grin and a hard on


    In the 80's we had horrendous hair cuts and clothes that we cringe about whenever we see a photo of ourselves from back then.
    In the 2000's a lot of kids went through a moody goth/emo phase that they REALLY prefer to forget about now.
    When the 2020's are a 20 year old memory, there's going to be a lot of folks, that got caught up in all the current day's madness, who are going to look back at photos of themselves from now, and thing "God, I miss having a cock".


    Black Africans are demanding reparations for past events. Paying this would bankrupt most countries. Also, black criminals cost's the tax payers millions each year for policing, investigation, NHS care, and increased property insurance costs.

    I think I've come up with a solution to both these problems.......... Revoke black human rights and reintroduce slavery.

    Once captured, you'd need to castrate the men to calm them down, and sterilise the women so they don't keep taking time away from their duties to drop yet another litter of sprogs, but capturing slaves would give employment and much needed money to working class "Slavers", and provide cheap labour for the dangerous/menial jobs that are beneath being done by the more civilised white folk. Because of the castration, blacks would become a rarer and rarer commodity, so eventually we might need to go further a field to source replacements, thus financially stimulating the ship building industry, therefore creating even MORE jobs for the working class. And most importantly, Blacks would become property rather than people, and property have no rights with regards to claiming compensation for what IT'S owner did, or does, to it.

    It all seems so obvious, I don't know why no one thought of it before.

  12. #2337
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    According to a recent poll
    'Mohammed' is now the
    most popular boys name
    in the UK.
    I'm not surprised, over the
    last few years the amount
    of people called it has just
    exploded.


    Mohammed is now the
    most popular boys name
    in the United Kingdom.
    Co-incidentally
    Mohammed is also the
    most unpopular boys
    name in the United
    Kingdom as well.


    Being married is solving
    problems together.
    Problems I wouldn't have
    if I was single.


    I was listening to this
    wanker in the pub today
    complaining about the
    price of petrol when I
    decided to inform him
    he was paying nearly
    4 pounds for a Pint of
    liquid that was roughly 4 %
    alcohol and 96% flavoured
    water.


    I went for a Chinese last
    night and got chatting
    to the waiter. He said
    during the war he was a
    Kamikaze pilot and his
    code name was 'Chow
    Mein'
    I said correct me if
    I'm wrong, but didn't
    Kamikaze pilots sacrifice
    their own lives??!!?
    Yes he said, but I was a
    Chicken Chow Mein.

  13. #2338
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    A 32-year-old man has
    been arrested for racist
    behaviour at England's
    Test match against India.
    Warwickshire's chief
    executive said, "we don't
    need people like this at
    the game." And I for one
    agree with him.
    We need them running
    their fucking 24/7 corner
    shops.


    Today's weather forecast.

    O e S

    S

    H
    W R

    Scattered showers.


    What do weather
    forecasters have in
    common with Nazis?
    They often lie about
    showers.


    Elton John has bought his
    pet rabbit a treadmill.
    It's a little fit bunny


    Hats off to all Wimbledon
    Wheelchair finalists.
    They deserve a standing
    ovation.


    R Kelly wishes he could
    turn back the hands
    of time... to 1993.


    I'm not saying my wife
    hasn't a tight cunt, but
    it's like fucking a tennis
    racket with no strings.


    Day 286 without sex.
    Went jogging in flip flops
    just to remember the
    sound.


    Just won 2 tickets to the
    women's Euro 2022 cup
    final.
    Guess that'll be two extra
    empty seats then.


    What's a Welshman's
    favourite love song?
    ( Everything I do ) I Do For
    Ewe.


    What's the difference
    between a politician and a
    feminist?
    Politicians occasionally
    do things for the benefit of
    society.

  14. #2339
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    New movie coming out
    "The Woman King" about
    female Black warriors.
    Nothing new. I've seen
    hundreds of videos on
    Facebook of black women
    fighting in McDonalds.


    A lot of women actually
    turn into good drivers.
    So, if you're a good driver,
    watch out for women
    turning.


    'Just got a new job as a
    cleaner.. I think I'm going
    to shine...'


    I said to the wife after an
    argument, "I bet you wish I
    was hung."
    She replied, It's hanged
    Although both would
    work. "


    Don't believe everything
    you read in public toilets
    Sharon IS NOT up for a
    good time.
    What an awkward phone
    call that was?


    Chris Hemsworth seduces
    a girl with a lisp.
    The next morning, he says
    "I have a confession to
    make-I'm Thor."
    The girl says, You're thor?
    I can hardly walk! "


    Before we got together
    my bisexual wife used
    to watch the Omnibus
    edition of her favourite
    soap on Sunday.
    She often tells me she
    misses her double enders.


    You know it's a good
    orgasm when you're toes
    are tossing out gang
    signs


    Does chocolate milk
    come from black cows?

  15. #2340
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    Watching the women's
    soccer and one of the
    dykes in the crowd had
    an England football face-painted
    on one cheek and a Norgegian football
    face-painted on the other cheek.
    Typical of the
    women's soccer crowd
    really - she never had
    two balls on her chin!


    Watching the women's
    football, and I can confirm
    that they have all run their
    tits off.


    Women talking about
    football is like blokes
    talking about knitting.


    Nick Krygios, No need for
    bad language just shows
    a lack of education the
    fucking nigger cunt bastard
    twat arsehole.


    Mrs Brown's Boys

    Dame Edna Everidge

    Eddie Izzard

    Proof that women aren't
    funny even when it's men
    pretending to be them.


    The choice of candidates
    for the Tory party
    leadership is almost as
    bad as a BMW drivers
    taste in music.


    Transgender Tory MP
    Jamie Wallis faces trial
    today accused of driving
    offences and failing to
    stop after smashing into
    lamppost in late night
    crash.
    Once a woman, always a
    woman.


    Bond theme composer
    Monty Norman dies at 94.
    Now he's decomposing.


    Beer made from recycled
    TOILET WATER takes off
    in Singapore 'I couldn't
    tell!'
    Its been around for years
    it's called fosters.


    Her: Women are stronger
    and more independent
    than men.

    Me: Then how come you
    can't walk alone at night?


    BBC documentary stating
    the obvious about what
    happens to Muslim
    women in hot weather :
    Nadiya Bakes.


    S . A. S
    Special Arab Slayers

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