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Thread: What's your sickest joke?

  1. #1786
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I miss the 1970s,a more
    innocent time.
    You never saw an angry
    Lego man in those days,they
    were all on acid.



    My girlfriend has almond eyes.
    Nutty.



    Peter Dockrill of Science Alert
    has recently published an article
    stating: We might finally understand
    why Glass Frogs have strangely
    transparent skin.
    I'm not exactly David Attenborough,but
    could it because glass is transparent.



    I love my home cinema system
    so much,I named it.
    When watching films,I make sure
    I have the Susan surround sound on.
    ( Taxi ordered )



    I arrived at the gym and said
    hello to this girl as I walked
    in.
    She said,"That's out of order!"
    I said "Sorry,I didn't mean to
    cause any offence"
    "No" she said,"Lizzo just used
    the treadmill,it's out of order."



    My wife says I'm useless with
    our finances and totally inept
    at managing our accounts.
    Well shes about to be proven
    so wrong!
    Just received a letter from IRD
    complimenting me on my taxes.
    They say they're outstanding.



    I just ordered a load of cystomised
    fortune cookies I've had them done
    in Braill so the blind can enjoy
    them.
    They will read:"Nothing is written."



    Paddy accidently kills his Dad's sister
    in a fit of drunken rage 10 years ago
    and buried her body in the woods...
    Now he's shitting himself because
    somebody has invented a test to detect
    Auntybodies.



    The amount of fake news nowadays is
    unPresidented.

  2. #1787
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Has anyone experienced the
    first mornings breakfast on
    a cruise ship when you meet
    your allocated dining couples...

    The newlywed husband..."Can you
    please pass the sugar,sugar?"

    The Yank husband..."Will you
    pass the honey,honey?"

    By now and with the wife
    glaring,my turn..."Oi pass the teabag."



    If it wasn't for the Americans we'd all be
    speaking German now.
    Can you imagine having to deal with all those
    mis-spelled words and weird accents?



    I think Gwyneth Paltrow must be suffering
    from Alzheimer's.
    I mean she called her daughter Apple but
    created a candle smelling of Fanny?



    In THE NEWS: The WHO has warned that the
    coronavirus "may never go away," and that
    even if a vaccine is found,controlling the
    virus will require "massive effort"
    Yeh,as if I am going to listen to a geriatric
    rock band from the 60's
    Oi,Roger Daltry,control your band members
    please and stay out of public health
    messages!



    Better out than in my old grandad used to say.

    Great bloke,shit Tennis coach.

  3. #1788
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I posted today on Social Media a video of the
    contents of my larder.
    All my friends,family and followers
    commended me on being vegan,Gluten Free
    and lactose-free based on food within.
    Little did they know this was all that was
    fucking left on the shelves to stockpile after
    all the other cunts stockpiled the good stuff.



    It occurred to me that the phrase"splitting
    hairs" could be applied to the tender act of
    boning.



    My dad told me "If you ever get
    some big cunt starting shit with
    you in the pub,to make sure the
    prick stays down,get a pool ball
    and stick it in your sock."
    Worst advice ever,the big twat
    beat the shit out of me I could
    hardly stand up let alone
    fight.



    My drug dealer is a funny guy.
    He cracks me up.



    As lockdown restrictions ease,I'm
    wondering if I should go out and
    expose myself.



    I can't believe it,the value of
    our house has shot up since I
    started to learn how to play
    the bagpipes during lockdown.
    All the pakis on the street moved
    out.



    I'm a sex addict,but recently
    I've been doing cold turkey.
    Until it occured to me to warm
    it up in the microwave first

  4. #1789
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    Smile

    Pall bearers and social distancing.
    How does that work?



    World Health Organistion is to
    change.
    WHO stands for Wuhan Hiding
    Officals.



    Wife and I went to the
    store with our mask on,
    got home took off mask,
    and brought home the
    wrong wife...pay
    attention people!!!



    Thinking a
    mask is going
    to stop corona
    is like thinking
    your undies will
    stop a fart.



    ALERT!!

    The CoronaVirus Can Be Spread
    Through Money.So If u Have Money
    At Home,Put All The Money into a
    Plastic Bag N Put it Outside The Front
    Door.I'm Collecting All The Bags
    Toninght For Safety.The Virus Doesn't
    Spread Through Coins So Keep Those.
    Just Doing What I Can.




    Never in my
    wildest dreams
    did I imagine
    I'd go up to
    a Bank teller
    with a mask on
    asking for money.

  5. #1790
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I was walking up the road when I heard this
    really loud rattling sound appoarching.
    As I turned around I saw the police chasing
    a dakie.
    #black knives clatter.



    I was wondering if people are born with a
    photographic memory?
    Or do they take time to develop?



    I said to this fat black woman eating a Big
    mac that hypertension and heart disease
    were the biggest killers of black people in
    America.
    She said,"Really,I thought it was
    the police."



    A shop assistant fiercely fought off a armed
    robber with a labelling gun,yesterday.
    Police are now looking for a man and say
    there's a price on his head.



    Where do scientists cut skulls into four same
    sized chunks?
    At the headquarters.



    So,it turns out the coronavirus discriminates
    against black people.
    Well,it is chinese after all.



    My gardner suggested I plant bamboo to
    "add interest."
    It certainly did.My gardens full of fucking
    pandas.



    'Britain's biggest family keep busy in
    lockdown as mum-of-22,Sue Radford,makes
    slime with her kids'.
    Ironic as it was "making slime" with her
    other half that got her into this situation
    in the first place.



    There was a wog working on a building site
    and one day he was so pissed off with all the
    other workers calling him "wog" that he
    complained to the foreman.
    The foreman called a meeting of all the other
    workers and simply said,"Mick,Mack,Paddy,Whack,
    leave the wog alone.



    Brian May's new torn buttocks Queen Remixes.

    Bumhemian Rhapsody

    Ripped Bottom Girls

    Arselona



    My fat wife said she would like to
    start experimenting in the bedroom,so
    I did what any good husband would do
    and bought her a chemistry set.

  6. #1791
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    Smile

    "Those who do not remember
    the past are condemned to
    repeat it."

    ( George Santayana )


    "Those who fail to learn from
    history are condemned to
    repeat it."

    ( Winston Churchhill )


    "Those who delete history will
    inevitably repeat it."

    ( Every male sharing an electronic device )



    Domino's contact free serivce
    is like Catholic foreplay.
    They don't mind touching,as
    long as it's just the Tip.



    I've asked Rod Stewart to pick my lottery
    numbers for next week as I think he may have
    psychic powers.
    Afterall he did predict two female priminsters
    when he wrote Maggie May.



    All kids are racist now.
    Text them three times and you get.

    K

    K

    K

  7. #1792
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    When I was growing up
    my uncle would regale
    us with stories of being
    in Vietnam,looking for
    charlie eveywhere.
    Fucking cokehead.



    Prince Philips 99...
    Tasted alright

  8. #1793
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    British exports will be just fine once we're out
    of the EU.
    We're already sent two cases of Corona to
    New Zealand this week.



    My missus promised to suck my dick if I
    bought her a new Dyson,and fair play to her
    she kept her promise.
    Although she did need to turn the power
    down a little.



    My wife said she'd leave me if I cheated
    on her.
    Always nice to know.



    The SPCA have banned me from having a
    dog because I was constantly getting him
    high as a kite.
    I'm also banned from flying kites in the local
    park as well.



    Years ago,before we had kids,sitting on the
    sofa on a friday night with the wife,all
    excited and getting ready for some action,she
    said to me:"Haven't done this for awhile..It's
    a bit...um...rusty.Rub in some vaseline."
    I reluctantly did as she asked,but then she
    said:"No,more than that.So it can slide in easily"
    So,I again did as she asked.
    Anyway,long story short,that was the VCR
    fucked,movie night ruined,and to this day I
    still haven't seen "Rambo."



    People always point out the eerie similarites
    between Abraham Lincoln and JFK,such as
    Lincoln being shot in Fords Theatre and JFK
    being shot in a Lincoln Continental made by
    Ford,but they always leave out the most
    obvious one.
    The big fucking holes in the back of each of
    their heads.


    Every time I turn on the
    central heating I can't
    help singing that Glenn Frey
    song.
    Oh-wo-ho ( Tell me can you feel it )
    ( Tell me can you feel it )
    ( Tell me can you feel it )
    The heating's.....ON

  9. #1794
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I've heaed of Aloe vera : I suppose it's now
    Goodbye Vera.


    Vera Lynn's hit reworked for 2020
    ...They'll be illegal immigrants climbing
    over,the white cliffs of dover.

  10. #1795
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    Smile Sick Text Joke

    Now this a story all about how

    My life got flipped-turned upside down

    And I'd like to take a minute

    Just sit right there

    I'll tell you how I became the Prince of a town

    called Nowhere


    In west Minneapolis born and raised

    On welfare was where I spent most of my

    days


    Shootin'up drugs was totally cool

    Stealing and dealin'there was no need for

    school

    When a stupid white cop who was up to no

    good

    Knelt on the neck of a guy from the

    neighbourhood

    Next thing you know we is riotin'albet with a

    certain flair

    When a homie said,"Hey wanna become the

    Prince of the town of Nowhere?"


    Burning an'rioting going on day after day

    But I looted plenty of stash so I'm A OK

    Cops disappeared I was free as a bird

    Weak local mayor startin'cryin' like a turd


    Moved to the suburbs?

    Their houses have a touch of class

    Is this what the peolpe of Bel-Air living like?

    Hmm,this might be alright

    But wait I hear they're prissy bourgeois,all

    that

    Is this the type of place for a dirty hoodrat?

    I think so

    I'm just gonna'steal my share

    I hope they're prepared for the Prince of

    nowhere

  11. #1796
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    Smile Sick Text Joke

    Pubs to open 4th July...now
    come on Boris,go one further,when
    can I get some hookers round and
    can I catch Covid snorting coke
    off her tits?



    Time to open my new chip shop
    in Glasgow.
    "Mack Fries Batter."



    I love living life on the edge.
    For the past eight weeks ,I've
    only washed my hands for 19 seconds
    at a time.

  12. #1797
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    "I've been walking round my
    garden for two weeks running."
    "So which was it?"



    Maori social distancing only robbing
    houses that are two metres apart.



    The 30 year old blonde bint was
    bigging it up on karaoke night to
    "I will survive" when she duddenly
    got her period.
    She soon left with her trail
    between her legs.



    I told my wife that I had been
    sleeping so well when we were in lockdown.
    It must have been the "feel relaxed"
    shower gel you had been using before
    you went to bed she said.
    And there was me thinking it was
    because I was having a crafty wank
    in the shower...shows how
    much I know.


    "Everytime I clap my hands a child
    in Africa dies," said Bono a few
    years ago.
    Can you imagine how many niggers
    the NHS has kiilled recently then?

  13. #1798
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Happy Independnce Day
    to all of America.
    It was on this day
    in history that a
    group of ordinary
    slave-owning aristocrats
    took a stand and decided
    that no longer shall they
    pay tax!
    It brings a tear to the eye.



    Happy Independce Day!
    Or as it was called in
    Britian,Happy fuck it
    we'd rather keep
    India day!



    "How are you celebrating
    Independence day this year?"
    "Fighting the Alien" "Oh,what
    an original joke..." "I'm
    not joking...I've just taken
    a load of fucking
    Mushrooms."

  14. #1799
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    Mexico has just closed its borders with the
    states...
    Irony.



    News Report

    Donald Trump has insisted he would be
    willing to wear a facemask in public-saying
    they make him look like the Lone Ranger.
    When questioned afterwards Tonto was
    heard to comment "white man speak with
    forked tongue."



    I bet Trumps a bit jealous that Putin has just
    bagged himself another 16 years in power.
    Better than having 16 weeks.



    A distant relative died and I'm due for an
    inheritance.
    It's a long trip,but when there's a will
    there's a way.



    "Hey Paddy!"

    "Yes Mick"

    "Paddy,what starts with a W and ends with a T"

    Long pause.

    "Yes Mick,it does."

  15. #1800
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    The wife had a hell of a shock on our
    wedding night.
    She thought she was marrying an arsenal fan
    not an arsehole fan.



    Not only would the toilet not flush,but it
    seems I am now banned from Bunnings
    for life!



    Kayne West announce bid to challenge
    Trump for 2020 presidency with his
    wife Kim Kardashian.
    We have the KKK in the westwing.



    The BET Awards celebrate black
    achievements in entertainment
    and honours music,sports,television
    and movies.
    There's no point searching for
    ours,we don't want to be
    WET.


    'Canterbury Cathedral reopens with
    unisex toilets to help maintain
    distancing.'
    Not sure how the ladies are going
    to cope with the urinals.

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