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Thread: What's your sickest joke?

  1. #2161
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    Sick text jokes

    RNLI

    ROYAL NIGGER LIBERATION
    Infantry


    Last night I saw everyone
    running out of my local pub
    screaming.
    It wasn't on fire; some
    cunt had played an Adele
    track on the jukebox.


    Listened to Adele while
    watching Rocky and I'm
    Finally able to cry again...


    Apparently members of
    ISIS are terrified of being
    killed by women soldiers,
    as they believe they will go
    straight to Hell.
    We should really mess
    with their minds by
    sending Caitlyn Jenner
    after them.
    We'd only need to arm her
    with a car, too.


    LGBTQ+children still
    find life at school,
    unacceptably tough,
    because of ignorance, say
    activities.
    Talk about dumbing down.
    Algebra is meant to be
    challenging! fucking
    snowflakes.


    Online dating

    Women: I hope he's not
    a weirdo, or a serial
    killer, or needy, control
    freak, violent, unhygienic,
    unemployed, perceived,
    bad-tempered, ill-mannered,
    insecure cheater.

    Men: I hope she's not fat.


    The wife's raised a
    shitload of money for
    charity.
    She always does in
    November.


    Heavy Metal fans.
    Pretend that you are at a
    'Socially distanced Mosh
    pit' by drinking 10 pints
    then staggering around
    outside in the car park.


    Why do mice have such
    small balls?.
    Because very few of them
    know how to dance.


    A new study shows that
    the sixe of an average
    penis has decreased by
    10% due to the covid
    injections.
    So, that means it's down
    to 8 inches, right Men.


    Our hospitals are under
    stress with people having
    to wait to get admitted
    because so many NHS
    resources are still being
    used due to Covid. If
    majority of people hadnÂ’t
    been vaccinated we
    would be isolating still
    and economy ruined. If
    everybody had jabs things
    would ease more than
    they have but these anti-vac
    people refuse to get the
    point.


    Around the house, we
    again have the pitter-patter
    of tiny feet.
    I can't believe that like
    in the film "Me myself
    and Irene," my wife has
    actually began cheating
    on me with a black midget.


    Overheard in the
    hairdressers, two females
    talking.. "I know you like
    Him but is he into you?"
    said the brunette, "Yes"
    giggled the blonde "but
    only about 2%"


    Will men and women
    understand each other?
    We say the same words
    yet can mean totally
    opposite things. When
    a female tells her friend
    down the pub "when I get
    home I'm going to give
    him a mouth full"...


    Sir Elton John went to
    Buckingham Palace to
    receive the Order of the
    Companions from Prince
    Charles.
    Isn't that what Jeffrey
    Epstein got from Prince
    Andrew?

  2. #2162
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Old? Alone this Christmas?

    That's society's way of tellng you you're a cunt.



    Prince Andrews diary has just been made public.

    His last entry was thirteen years old.




    As my wife lay in a coma the doctor approached me and said,
    "Music is a great healer, bring your wife's favourite music in and it could bring her out of it quite quickly. "

    So I bought Adele's new album in, should be good for ten years now.




    I was walking through the forrest admiring the trees when I came across one that had food, jars and tinned goods hanging from it.

    It was a pantry.




    Thank god. I’ve finally reached the age.

    Where I can pretend to be hard of hearing with my wife...




    With all these black people acting in so many TV ads, I’m starting to get worried. Who’s going to pick the cotton to make my Christmas socks this year?




    Putting Michael Barrymore in charge of Kent RNLI seems to be working a treat.





    Top 3 situations that require witnesses:

    1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages.






    I was watching the weather channel earlier and the guy said by the end of the week Scotland could be white over.

    I guess they take no-nut november pretty serious up there if they're gonna be having a nation wide release.





    What's Michael J.Fox's favourite Christmas song?

    Jingly bells.




    I stepped outside this morning and suddenly heard "�� when will I see you again? ��"
    It was only three degrees




    Who is the World Health Organisation?

    Yes




    Been told by the wife to get my arse to the chemist and pick up some viagra.

    She wasn't a twat about it, but did mention I last about as long as Azeem Rafiq's TV career.




    Just thinking about the jokes on here.
    One liners are always welcome..

    Especially if it’s coke,



    I was climbing this tree when one of the branches gave way and I slipped and fell on to my back.

    The wife went mad as I'd squashed all the Christmas presents underneath it.



    Apparently the hornier you are, the more forgetful you are?

    Did you know that the hornier you are, the more forgetful you are?



    How do architects, engineers and male pornstars gain fame?

    Through their erections



    An group of archaeologists gathered to find the leg bone of an ancient man

    It was a real shindig


    At the start of the pandemic Robbie Williams was using antibacterial wipes.
    But now he's loving hand gel instead.



    Someone suggested getting a stripper for my wife's 60th birthday. What a fantastic idea that turned out to be.

    She only has the paper to hang now.



    With my wife, it was sex, sex, sex...

    Yes, three times in 20 years...



    "I warn you," I said to the prostitute, "I like sex to be rough."
    "Dont worry," she sighed, "I'm prepared for anything you've got."
    "Great," I replied, as I slipped on my sandpaper condom.



    Well I've got a new phone, watched some porn, (like you do), set up mobile banking, managed to upload a video, took some HD pics of the dogs, used facebook, checked all my email, nearly bought a guitar on ebay, had messages of women in my area who want to have sex with me, (I knew this was a scam because one of them was my wife). Now if only I knew how to make a fucking phone call on it, it would be just the job.




    I sat my girlfriend down and said to her, "I don't think we're going to work."

    She said, "Why not?"

    I said, "Well, we're both fucking unemployed."



    There are only two types of people who are against drugs.

    The people who have never done drugs and the people who are dead from doing drugs...




    Saw an advert on tv for a donkey sanctuary,if I send £3 a month I could adopt a donkey.They also promised to send me photographs.
    Two weeks after I set up my direct debit,I got a welcome pack containing 4 pictures of Harry Maguire.




    Husband calls wife and says "Remember thirty years ago when we were really broke and we were window shopping and we saw a magnificent diamond necklace worth over £200,000?"
    Intrigued, the wife says "Yes. . I remember that necklace. You promised me that day that one day when you were rich enough, you would buy that necklace for me"
    The husband says "Do you remember the location of the jewellery shop?"
    Excited now, the wife says "Yes! I do. . . I remember exactly where it is!"
    The husband says "Good. Because I've been drinking all afternoon with some mates in a pub that's just across the road from that jewellery shop and I need you to come and pick me up, because I'm too pissed to drive"




    I went to school with Roy 'Chubby' Brown.

    One time in metalwork class he asked, 'How the fuck am I going to take the burr off this piece of mild steel?'

    I replied, 'Use Flat Bastard! Use Flat Bastard!'




    BLACK FRIDAY DEALS STARTING TODAY IN USA.

    GET 100% OFF ON YOUR LATEST LED TVs AND AIR JORDAN SNEAKERS.

    COUPON CODE : KYLE RITTENHOUSE

    CONTACT YOUR LOCAL BLM MARCH FOR MORE DETAILS




    A parable for Sunday,

    While out for his morning constitutional, God was strolling past the Pearly Gates when he heard a commotion. He stopped to enquire what was going on.
    “It’s him” said St Peter”
    “Him who ?” Said God
    “Him, Richard Dawkins” said St Peter
    “What does he want ?” Said God, forgetting he was God and knew everything.
    “He wants to come in” replied St Peter
    “Well he can’t” said God “he’s an atheist, tell him to eff off”
    At this point Dawkins interrupts.
    “God” he said “who made you ?”
    “No one” replied God
    “No one” said Dawkins “you believe that no one made you ?
    “Yes” said God “now be off before I smite you”
    “Ha” replied a smug looking Dawkins “so you’re an atheist”.
    God thought about this for a moment and then suddenly disappeared in a thick cloud of embarrassment taking the physical construct of heaven with him.
    Ignoring all the pissed off martyrs and regretful saints, a lecherously smiling Peter (having now dropped the St prefix) went off to chat up the soon, no longer to-be-virgin, Mary.

    And they all lived happily ever after, at least the atheists did.



    An escort buys excess condoms.

    A Chinese man buys XS condoms.




    Glues, about time for an updated comparative review so we asked the experts.

    Epoxy Resin. If you can get round the mixing and curing time restraints, it is an excellent all purpose adhesive for flesh, metal and tarmac. Don't mix the two caps up or you'll be fucked next time.

    Loctite Gel. Sets clear and very quickly, good for application on palm of hand to passing policeman's face.

    Blutak okay for a quick temporary fix but fails above 23 Celsiusl

    Solvite wallpaper adhesive, handy for sticking oneself spreadeagled to the side of a police transit van, but loses adhesive properties above 40mph.

    Bostik, Evo Stick and UHU are useless, a waste of money.

    Epoxy Putty...excellent for bonding and strength, but the lengthy setting time means you need to be in position about 7 hours before 'the event'

    Hot Glue. More or less OK although it will burn flesh before setting, long lead and mains a.c. supply required.

    Eventually we turned to Trent Reznor and he recommended a lump hammer and nine inch nails.



    An cautious visit to Victoria’s Secret.
    “Good morning Sir, how can I help you select that or any other item of clothing ?”
    Me “Er..no thanks….just sniffing….sorry, I meant browsing.”
    “Would Sir like me to wrap that garment for him ?”
    “No thank you, I’ll eat it here……er….just joking”
    Is the garment for someone special Sir ?”
    “Oh yes, it’s for my special friend”
    “What size is your special friend Sir, we cover a wide size range ?”
    “Ah, it varies, she’s…..how do I phrase it…..she’s inflatable”
    “A blow up doll….really, you ought to be ashamed Sir, we don’t cater for those !”
    “No, no, she’s much more than that, she’s the Fuckme 2000 Pro model, with lactating tits, and an easily cleaned semen tray for each orifice. Her throbbing fanny has eight different programmable speeds. Her anus is made from memory foam and her mouth and tongue have the versatility of an Olympic standard contortionist.”
    “Oh Sir you should have said so when you first came in, you need the gold section of the store, in the basement”

    “Would Sir like a tissue to wipe up his drool ?




    Starting a family in the twenty first century.

    First step, age 4, gets a goldfish, goldfish found dead in toy box.
    Second step, age 7, gets a pet hamster to nurture, hamster dies in door closing accident
    Third step, age 9, adopts a kitten from the local cattery, kitten runs away after only two weeks
    Fourth step, age 11, gets a tamagotchi, tamagotchi is swapped for two kit-kats and a gob stopper
    Fifth step, age 18, given a potted plant by grandmother, plant dies of thirst.
    Sixth step, age 21, gets job in nursery, 3 children die of negligence drinking bleach.
    Seventh step, age 35…”honey, we’ve been married for five years now, fancy a bareback shag”…..”Oh yes love, I can’t wait to have children”.

  3. #2163
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    When I was a kid, my mum told me - 'do what makes you happy'.

    So I became a crack addict.



    During an international press conference in Beijing, an Ameican reporter asked Chinese president Xi Jinping when he had his last election.

    Xi Jinping replied, "Just befole bleakfast this molning."



    Just seen a scat porn film starring Ronnie O'sullivan and a group of mixed race women.

    In the final frame he got 10 points for potting his pink in a brown but gave away a 7 point penalty for fouling on the black.


    A slow news days when the headlines are
    " A bulb gets screwed"



    Harry Maguire has been praised by Social Media campaigners after he blocked an abusive Troll on Twitter.

    Which ironically is the most succesful block he has made all season..


    I watched a few episodes of the black and white minstrel show last night.

    Or the supermarket Christmas ads to give them their proper name.



    The truth is, I have very little sympathy for transgender types: shameless and tiresome publicity stunts, sexual perversions, demanding to be referred to by personal pronouns which don't hint at their natural gender, overprivileged fuckers demanding to be treated like royalty. We get enough of all that from the fucking Royal Family.



    We had a "Talent competition" at our company event yesterday and this Asian guy with a different branch actually brought out his guitar and sang "Born this Way" by Lady Gaga quite off-key and with a thick Oriental accent.

    He asked me what I thought of it and I said, "It was Horrific."

    "Hank you very much."


    I passed the YMCA today and a lad was outside stroking a duck
    I said 'young man theres no need to feel down'



    Why does Elton John want Queen Elizabeth to die?

    So he can be Britain's oldest Queen...

  4. #2164
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    Sick text jokes

    Due to Covid, international
    travel is like having sex
    with Freddie Mercury.
    Your passage might be
    smooth if you're lucky but
    in the long term, you're
    going to pay for it


    Boris Johnson announces
    UK response to Omicron
    more injections.
    If this keeps up
    people will be new getting titles such
    as
    Prick Of The Year.


    Environmentalists say the
    Green Belt is in danger of
    disappearing in Britain.
    I agree, I can't remember
    the last time I saw
    someone wearing one


    Elton John loves making
    replicas of Chinese
    pottery made between
    1368 and 1644 on his
    computer.
    He calls it gayming.


    "Clint Eastwood wins
    $6m in damages in CBD
    lawsuit"
    Do I feel lucky? You bet I
    do, punk.

  5. #2165
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    My wife said that the baby had weed in his nappy. I excitedly removed the nappy only to find piss, the lying bitch.



    What do you call a black man who won't leave his house?

    On parole.


    DATE: What do you do?
    ME: I write for TV
    DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
    ME: Ever heard of subtitles


    My daughter once got mad because I was watching one of those DIY home shows with her kids in the room and she actually sneered, "I want them to watch something that has plenty of people-of-colour in it."

    "Fair enough," I replied, as I flipped it over to Crimewatch.



    I always thought Frank Williams' ambition in racing was a tad unrealistic.

    How the fuck was he supposed to compete with a F1 car sitting in that thing?




    ....and on the sixth day, just after teatime, God got bored and made a mermaid.
    "What am I ?" said the mermaid.
    "You are the top half of a human and the bottom half of a fish" said God.
    "OK" said the mermaid "what do I do ?"
    "You lure sailors to their death when the sirens have a day off" replied the almighty.
    "Do I get any clothes ?" asked the mermaid, looking down at her huge floating lady bags
    "Indeed yes" came the reply "sea shells"
    If they don't fit what should I do ?" she queried.
    "Well then" answered God, "in that case you could try some a, b or d shells on for size"

    At which point did you guess the punch line



    Unbelievably at work they're talking about re-doing the bathrooms and blasting out the urinals because of this SJW thing that's come up in Sweden that they want to fucking copy that "Men should be forced to sit to pee."

    My black coworker was moaning more loudly about it than anyone and said "I's always dropping my large cock right in the toilet water !"

    He then looked at me and unbelievably said, "You wife tells me that you never have this problem."



    The Chinese community in Liverpool always cook in pairs.

    They never Wok alone.



    It was minus 7 last night. Snow White slept on her own.



    Well face masks are compulsory again.

    Muslim women have been wearing them for thousands of years



    I accidentally dropped a load of Viagra on the floor shortly after taking one.
    I was crawling around on all fives for about half an hour looking for them.



    Loud screaming has been suggested as a means of surviving a bear attack. And Adele music.





    My dad often says I'm not worth a wank.

    I guess that explains why I was born then.




    I use soap when having a wank.

    Feels good to cum clean



    A woman picks out a nice pair of high heels and goes to the cashier.
    The cashier says the price and the woman starts rummaging through her purse for notes and coins. She adds up the total and gives it to the cashier who then counts it out.



    "Hmm," says the cashier, scratching his head, "that's £64.50...you're a bit short."



    "I know it's not enough money," snaps the woman, "but there's no need to criticize my height."




    I was watching my son climbing a tree and when he got near to the top he shouted down at me "wow! I'm so high"

    I shouldn't of given him that joint to be honest



    When I was a kid my parents used to threaten me that if I wasn't a good boy, all I'd get for Christmas was a sack of coal.
    With gas prices the way they are now, I'd fucking take that.



    "Women are terrible with directions", I told my wife.

    "Where are you going with this?", she asked.


    Q: What's better than eating A Mandarin?
    A: Eating Amanda out



    It was dark out and the woman in the car coming the opposite way from me had her main beam on. It was blindingly bright so I started flashing her.

    She'll think twice about keeping her main beam on next time she sees a pedestrian with a drape coat on.



    Prince Andrews diary has just been made public.

    His last entry was thirteen years old.


    How did the two arsonists meet?


    A match on tinder.


    'OK children, here are the names of those chosen for the Nativity play.
    Emma Dreaming, Arfur White, Chris Moss, with Avery Kriss, Moss Carr, Dai Wright, Meyer Dazeby, Mary-Ann Bright, and May Allyer, Kris Moses, Bea White.

    (Nod to the Goodies.)

  6. #2166
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Top Tip:
    Pedestrians, instead of using the pavement, simply walk in the cycle lanes.
    This will minimise the chance of being hit by a bike or scooter.


    Chin masks are once again mandatory.



    My dad often says I'm not worth a wank.

    I guess that explains why I was born then.


    Finally I saw an ad where they didn't put any black people.

    It was about some kids doing FamilyTreeDNA tests.


    'Customers at Britain's highest pub snowed in with Oasis tribute band for three days'.

    I thought the tribute band Oasis broke up in 2009.



    This has to be a joke from the DVSA who are trying to recruit Driving Examiners.

    "We welcome applications from every part of the community. We’re particularly interested to hear from Black, Asian, and Minority Ethnic people, women, disabled people, and those who identify as LGBT+. We believe everyone is involved in making DVSA an inclusive and great place to work."

    I don't suppose if you're a white man...


    Between the ages of 15 and 52, an average woman will have had about 450 periods, assuming she bleeds for a week, that will be nearly 9 years of bleeding. So what explains their behaving like cunts for the other 28 years ?




    Watching Peter Jackson's Beatles documentary made me wish I could go back in time

    And stop Yoko from being conceived


    I phoned the doctor's and asked for an appointment.

    "How about 10 tomorrow?," said the receptionist.

    "No thanks," I replied, "I just want one."

  7. #2167
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    Sick text jokes

    I had my daughter's
    useless black boyfriend
    try and train at boxing to
    give him a purpose in his
    life.
    "You're actually good
    at always keeping your
    hands up," I said..."That's
    a coaching cue you
    already get a lot though,
    from the cops."


    A new study claims that
    during sex, 43% of men
    finish within two minutes.
    And one minute of that is
    opologizing.


    I reckon whoever invented
    the tie was trying to
    commit suicide but
    suddenly thought" hang
    on,that looks quite nice. "


    These days my bowel
    movements are like buses,
    Nothing for ages then two
    came along at once.
    And they're always bright
    red.


    This year's novelty
    Prince Andrew
    Christmas Advent
    calendar has been
    scrapped due to a
    design fault.
    Apparently, only the
    flaps from 12-10
    would open.

    My wife's started doing
    these "women's only"
    feminist seminars that
    say they will "expand her
    mind"
    "Great, you'll go from one
    brain cell to two"


    I keep a taser gun in my
    pocket.
    For when my wife says we
    need to talk.


    I saw this black guy
    doing some jogging that
    seemed to also be adding
    some strength-training to
    his conditioning.
    I thought it was a bit
    over-the-top though to
    be running with a 70 inch
    Plasma.


    I'm a bit unsure about
    the Bible : Take Mathew
    chapter 6 verse 3 for
    example...
    "Don't let your left hand
    know what your right hand
    is doing"
    What's it expecting
    your right hand to say
    when your left hand is
    squeezing her nipple? "
    " Hey mate I've got two
    fingers up her snatch? "


    I've just been shuffling the
    new Adele album between
    " on" and "off" and I have
    to say, it sounds amazing
    50% of the time.


    Adele's agent boyfriend
    will step in to manage her.
    I'd keep one eye on that
    bank account if I was her.

  8. #2168
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    A driver has fainted after delivering a thousand Duracell batteries to a shop.

    Fuck me, another energy supplier collapses.




    BREAKING NEWS:

    ADELE confirms Las Vegas residency at Caesars Palace.

    Closer to the ' all you can eat buffets', I guess.




    Omicron sounds like the name of an evil Transformer.



    The new Covid variant has been named 'Omicron', which some people have observed is an anagram of 'Moronic'.

    Yup, it's definitely evolving to fit the anti-mask anti-vaccine brigade.



    People must remember that black youths carry knives due to circumstances outside of their control.

    Guns aren't legal in the UK and therefore are difficult to get hold of.



    After watching the new Beatles documentary,

    I now understand how long eight hours feels.



    India has announced that it will put a man on the Moon next year and has already narrowed the astronauts down to one of two.
    Raj or Ramjeet...


    Looking forward to the modern day reboot of the Ninja Turtles, featuring lady turtles who develop the unerring ability to appear the instant a man wins the lottery

    Females In A Nutshell - Coming soon.


    I was hotboxing my car getting high as shit when I heard a little voice say "arent you a little too old to be doing this now" "yeah, you're right" I thought, I threw the joint out the window and finished dropping my kid off at school.



    I've got a great idea for a TV show & you could guarantee that the Jews nor the Asians would be interested.

    "The Great British Bac-on"


    just brought the Liverpool advent calendar......

    Windows boarded up and the front door kicked in and all the chocolates stolen.....

  9. #2169
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    I don't recommend the Jehovah's Witnesses advent calendar, no matter how hard you try, the doors won't open.


    Jon Snow: King of the North

    Everton FC: Spurs of the North



    After all these years I'm finally willing to admit it.
    I let the dogs out.



    HRH The Queen was this morning described as ‘being comfortable’ in hospital. Her Royal Majesty was taken to hospital after inhaling the fumes from her Rihanna album collection which she was busy burning at the time.
    She was incensed at reports of the new Republican status of Barbados, not only had another colony bitten the dust but another hidey-hole for Andrew had been lost.

    Wait until she discovers that Sir Cliff Richard has dual citizenship


    What do we want?!

    An end to procrastination!

    When do we want it?!!

    Tomorrow!!


    Aging has caused me to need glasses.

    Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of Jack Daniels...


    Dear Santa,
    Everyone needs a mask for Christmas, ensure there is a plentiful supply in every stocking, one of my mates will contact you if necessary.

    For Matt Hancock, will you supply a multipack of time-expired condoms, packaged with some holly.
    Chancellor Rushing, likes money, being of Asian extraction give him sacks full of shiny chocolate money (diabetes onset etc).

    Priti always always looking for suitable destinations on which to dump pesky immigrants, please drop her off on Rockall after leaving Downing Street….one way trip only for her. Leave her a dinghy if you like.

    I’ve been a really good boy all year, despite those prats I work with and their incessant failures and short comings.
    My contribution to climate change means you can leave your sleigh at Svalbard and use commercial transportation from then on. Surely that cunt Greta will have a night off and miss you.
    The Right Hon Greg Hands, energy minister seems to have cocked up his ministerial oversight of many, now defunct energy companies.
    It could be a cold Christmas is there any chance you could leave me some coal ?
    Yours Sincerely
    Boris J


    All the neighbours know when I have a girl round, they can't sleep through the night for all the shaking orgasm screams. I mean I really go to town and end up with a sore throat by the end of it.




    I met a bloke who was almost a cunt.

    He was an assistant referee.



    If it's yellow, let it mellow.

    If it's brown, flush it down.

    Rules for new pupils on day one at senior school.



    The Northeast right now is being hit with a major snowstorm.

    Forecasters say people have not seen a white-out like this since cocaine was seized from an address in Litherland in Liverpool earlier today.

  10. #2170
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    Sick text jokes

    "So, what’re you getting
    your little boy for
    Christmas?"
    "I'm not sure, he really
    likes that TV show Snow
    Patrol"
    "Don't you mean Paw
    Patrol?"
    "Oh yeah! Not sure why
    I get them confused. I
    guess it's because you
    see them a lot of the time
    chasing cars."


    Support the working
    classes this year by
    only buying Trade Union
    endorsed Christmas tree
    lights.
    But be careful though, if
    one goes out, they all go
    out.


    RAL personal have
    assisted Saudi Arabia in
    their war against Yemen.
    Why is Ewan McGregor
    making appeals for money
    for Yemeni refugees?
    He should just ask his
    fighter pilot brother to
    stop fucking bombing
    them.

  11. #2171
    Join Date
    22nd October 2020 - 17:03
    Bike
    Suzuki 250 1976
    Location
    Lower Hutt
    Posts
    0

    Sick text jokes

    Mariah Carey has told
    Lorraine Kelly that she
    needed sex men to
    carry her dress for her
    upcoming Christmas
    special.
    Shoulda taken it off first
    chubby.


    Snow trap 60
    people in Yorkshire pub
    for 3 days with Oasis
    tribute band.
    So, hell freezes over?


    Former woman's cricketer
    Eileen Ash has died at the
    age of 110.
    One hell of an innings.


    'I would drink to make
    other people interesting! ;
    Adele admits.
    Ironically, that's how I
    cope with her music..?


    BREAKING NEWS :

    ADELE confirms Las
    Vegas residency at
    Caesars Palace.
    Closer to the `all you can
    eat buffet's' I guess.


    Apparently if you play
    Adele's 30 album
    backwards it sounds less
    depressing.


    Scottish homes having to
    burn wood to stay warm
    due to power cuts from
    storm Arwen.
    And Greta Thunberg was
    telling the Scots they
    aren't doing enough at
    the climate summit last
    month.


    Last weekend I got stuck
    in Britain’s highest pub.
    This weekend I think I’ll try
    it's dirtiest brothel.


    My neighbours sent me a
    Christmas card and in it
    said,`merry Christmas. p. s
    thankyou for the sugar'
    and added a picture of
    them enjoying a cuppa.
    I felt obliged to do the
    same so I sent them
    a card that said, 'merry
    Christmas. p. s thankyou
    for the free show' and
    added a picture of them
    having sex through their
    bedroom window.


    Little Mix on temporary
    hiatus according to band
    spokesperson.
    "you will see as again.".
    exclaimed Leigh-Anne
    Pinnock.

  12. #2172
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    When the binmen come knocking for their Christmas tip, tell them you've left it with old Mrs Jones who lives three streets away.

    See how they like it.


    Are we going to stand back and watch women take the best jobs from under our noses? I was listening to a TV female football ( so called ) expert talking out of her bum hole last week.

    I thought that to even things up a bit I would try for this equality thing so I applied for a job in the bra fitting department at M&S.

    I phoned up the manager at the store and he called me a pervert and told me to fuck off.

    Not to be thwarted I’m now going to apply for a midwifery post at the local hospital. I won’t hold my breath though.


    "Passports to be removed from illegal drug users in crime crackdown, Boris Johnson says"

    Wouldn't it be better to give them their passports then cancel them when they go abroad?



    “What do we want?”
    “Madness to stop!”
    “When do we want it?”
    Just after ‘Our House’ and ‘It Must be Love’



    "Hello Paddy . . . " said Murphy, " . . . ye weren't about yesterday and I was looking fer ye. What happened?" Paddy replied "Didn't I tell yeez, I was out fer der day on a mystery tour. Seamus O'Flaherty from down der social club sorted it. It was a good day indeed it was. Seamus ran a sweepstake, everyone put in a €uro and took a guess at where we'd end up."
    "Oh really?" observed Murphy, "And where was dat?"
    "We ended up at Blarney Castle Morph, and the funny thing about it was dat Brendan der coach droiver won the 45 €uros!"


    Adele's latest album has received critical acclaim. One review in particular stood out:

    "Fantastic stuff. Every suspect has confessed within minutes of me putting it on."

    V Putin, Moscow



    I offered my girlfriend noodles after sex.
    “So everything is two minutes here” she replied.



    "What do we want?"
    "A cure for procrastination."
    "When do we want it?"
    "Tomorrow."



    Santa: What would you like for Christmas young man?
    Boy: A Ferrari
    Santa: Try be a little more realistic.
    Boy: I want Covid to end.
    Santa: So is that the 812 or the F8 you want?




    What do you call a Scotsman who works in a cloakroom?
    Angus McCoatup




    Can't fucking believe it...Card Factory are displaying Easter Eggs and Cards already...



    How do you make a woman cry??
    Tell her she cant cook.
    How do you make a feminist cry??
    Tell her she must cook.



    I was playing call of duty with my wife when out of the blue she admitted that she had been cheating on me. I was furious. "Are you fucking kidding me!" I shouted, I started throwing shit about and punching the walls. A few hours later I calmed down and she was surprised that I was being ok with her. To be honest, I didn't even know the game had cheat codes.

  13. #2173
    Join Date
    22nd October 2020 - 17:03
    Bike
    Suzuki 250 1976
    Location
    Lower Hutt
    Posts
    0

    Sick text jokes

    # I'm dreaming of a white
    Christmas #
    But if the white runs out.
    I'll drink red.


    What do we want?
    'Rights to cover Wham!
    songs!'
    'When do we want it?
    ' Last Christmas! '


    Every day is Christmas.
    When you stop taking your
    antidepressants.


    "All I want for Christmas is
    my two front teeth.
    Drug Addicts...


    I need advice! Please
    Help!!
    My children keep finding
    their Christmas presents
    that I've hidden around
    the house. Someone
    suggested I should just
    keep them in the attic. So
    I tried that last night, but
    their constant crying and
    whining kept me awake.
    All the "I'm afraid of the
    dark" or "I don't like it up
    here there are spiders"
    really got on my nerves.
    Any other suggestions?


    I was always taught if you
    want something doing you
    should do it yourself.
    Anyway, my grandchild will
    be born in May.


    Don't confuse gynecology
    with Judaism otherwise
    you may find yourself
    thinking of a Labia
    Menorah


    Don't mix up American
    Indians and male biology
    or you'll be thinking of
    scrotum poles.


    The harsh weather is
    certainty affecting the bird
    population in the UK. I
    haven't seen any great tits
    for quite a while. Worse
    than watching women's
    football.


    It's a common belief
    that politicians were ugly
    bullied kids who were
    determined to get their
    revenge on the public one
    day.
    In other news, Therese
    Coffey has banned kissing
    under the Mistletoe.


    We have enough doses
    of the vaccine, yet still
    lots of British people
    stubbornly reject having
    the vaccination.
    If that's their attitude,
    Then we should vaccinate
    refugees and migrants
    instead.
    I'm sure they would
    willingly take the jabs
    British people refuse to.


    We are going to have
    more rules this Christmas
    with a vaccine.
    Than we did last
    Christmas without one.


    I was in the bank today
    and there were four guys
    there not wearing masks.
    I didn't say fuck all though
    because those shotguns
    looked fucking scary.


    Donate to Crisis At
    Christmas, so that
    someone can have a
    hot meal, warm bed and
    a fucking good hiding,
    because their dealer will
    know where they are on
    Christmas day.
    Seasons Beatings.


    What do we want?
    A Beatles record
    When do we want it?
    YESTERDAY

  14. #2174
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Since everyone started washing their hands - the peanuts at the bar have lost their taste.



    A bit disappointed with my Black Lives Matter advent calendar.

    Every time you open a door, you find that what was there has been looted.



    Banksy offers to raise £10m to buy Reading prison for art centre.
    Great idea come forward so you can be arrested for all the shit u have put on the walls over the years.


    I just got the Katie Price advent calendar.

    If you open its flaps you end up with some really thick chocolate.




    What do we want?
    And end to Autocorrect
    When do we want it?
    Don't give a shot



    "What do we want?"
    "An end to drug abuse!"
    "When do we want it?"
    "Not until Parliamentary Recess!"



    A recent study claims that 1/3 of all men suffer from premature ejaculation.

    But they don’t suffer as much as 1/3 of all women.

    "Did you score with your left foot?"

    "No, it was my right, " said Fred,



    Black couple sue real estate agency after their home was valued at just $995,000 - but $1.42m when they had a white friend to pose as its owner.

    Should be the other way round, when the neighbors find out they are no longer living next door to blacks.



    What do we want.

    Funding for Tourrettes

    When do we want it

    Fuck off you Cunt

    Adele has got into the cannabis business.

    Because you have to be high to like her shitty music.


    After scoring the only goal of the game v palace, the scorer was asked with which foot did he score with.RIGHT said Fred !

    Watching the TV earlier I thought ffs not another blackadder re-run, I don't remember this episode.
    Turns out when I found my glasses it was actually Boris johnson in a silly hat doing a drug bust with the dibble.



    Why are women like the weather?

    Nothing can be done to change either one of them...


    I had to take my wife into town today so we're doing some shopping on the high street, and naturally the topic of Crhistmas prezzies comes up for the lazy fat bitch.... and anyway we're in this store looking at ladies' watches and there's two watches that are almost the exact same, but the salesman tells us that this one watch is £200 more and that the only extra feature it has is a sun/moon indicator that "tells the difference between night and day."

    My wife swooned, "Oooh this one with the moon would be so practical," and I said, "Or I can just save my money and you can do the old system of looking out the window to see if it's dark."


    I asked the librarian if she had a book about “Sex in public places “

    “I told you not to come in here again “ she said.

    “ Yeah, that’s the one “ I said.



    If you ask me what my favourite tower is?I'm leaning towards Pisa.

    Christmas carol for those on low income:

    Oh, the weather outside is frightful
    But the coat is so delightful
    And since we've no place to go
    Fuck the snow, fuck the snow, fuck the snow.


    I've just been smacked in the face with a wedding cake.

    It bought tiers to my eyes.



    We had that mandatory "Diversity-training" day at work and it it was being done by this enormous fucking black lady with an even more massive chip on her shoulder, and she was making the most insanely crass and broad-based incorrect assumptions.

    She said something like, "You whiteys all LOVE black music, but yet you won't give actual black people the time of day !"]

    "You're wrong again," I laughed, "I'm white and I fucking hate black-people music."

  15. #2175
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I've just been smacked in the face with a wedding cake.

    It bought tiers to my eyes.


    Isn't it amazing to wake up and kiss the person right by your side then caress her breasts even before her beautiful eyes have fluttered open?
    Not according to British Airways the cunts got me arrested and banned me from flying with them for life.



    What do we want?
    A Chinese chairman
    When do we want it?
    Mao



    Black people Logic: move to a predominantly white country and complaining your the only black at a company you chose to work for.

    Its like going to gay pride and complaining your the only straight person there!

    no wonder they never had rights.




    Just smashed the 7th back door in on my LGBTQ Advent Calendar


    Got the new Diane Abbott advent calendar, and it`s great!

    Here we are on the 7th December, I`ve opened 3 doors already and there`s still 72 left.



    Untangling Christmas lights.

    Is the closest me and wife have ever got to S&M...


    I couldn't believe how much happier my Labour-voting wife was after I finally Red-Pilled her.

    That's the colour that Ecstasy comes in these days.




    I don't call them Fairy lights any more.

    They're called Gary Lineker lights in our house, until they come out of the closet.




    I love my Pfizer Advent calendar.

    Only 10 more boosters till Christmas




    'That was the best sex we've ever had,' I said. 'But I have a confession to make. I've been doing your sister as well.'
    'Oh, I'm not bothered about things like that at my age,' she said as I put her back in her wheelchair and plugged the oxygen cylinder back in. 'But I don't think your uncle will be too pleased.'



    (1990s flashback)

    Q: What do you call the five Spice Girls in a toaster?
    A: Pop-tarts.


    I was chilling in the bath last night.

    I shouldve put hot water in really.

    If someone gives you a handmade present, they're not being cheap.

    Consider the time they spent finding the materials and making you a unique and special gift.

    They did it because they love you.

    And they're fucking cheap.



    If you think your not very smart, just remember there are people who have decided not to get the Covid vaccine because of Right Said Fred.

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