Being expected to earn the main wage, keep the house clean, look after the kids, do washing, ironing, cooking, DIY around the house, fix the car AND somehow find time to keep in shape is a very tall order indeed

I've no idea how my wife pulls it off



Minute's silence observed in Liverpool to mark Hillsborough anniversary.

They almost got to 10 seconds before a car alarm went off.



Never trust hair dressers.

They are always talking behind your back.




The stranglers were originally an Ipswich group called The Suffolk Eight.




Marry wealthy celebrity. Tick.
Get nice new home. Tick.
Fuck hubby. Tick.
Have daughter. Tick.
Get career. Tick.
Divorce wealthy celebrity. Tick.
Keep nice new home. Tick.
Keep daughter. Tick.
Keep career. Tick.
Fuck hubby. Tick.

Bucket list of a wannabe comedienne.




Marcus Rashford has been playing for Man United this season

But we only have his word for that





Justine Trudau talked about "gay and trans rights" to the lovely Giorgia Meloni, and this conversation had her bored and disinterested with her vagina going dry as a board !!

In fairness, Justine has mostly only ever practiced his flirting game with men.





Religious types like to say that 'the most powerful position is on your knees'.

To be fair, that is where the phrase 'Oh Jesus, oh Jesus, oh Jesus' originated.



My Mum told me that she doesn’t want me to plaster my bedroom walls in posters of the Backstreet Boys.

But I want it that way






My wife insists I do her from behind. At least that way she can’t see me giving her the finger

Although I’m sure she can feel it




Whilst on holiday, my wife stripped down to her tighty-whities and asked if I "fancied a roll in the mud."

I came out of that feeling just like the pig-fucking hillbilly from "Deliverance"




If you're behind a funeral procession on a road and can't get past, are you allowed to undertake?





I've recently been diagnosed with having Coeliac Disease. The dietitian at the hospital told me to sign up to the Coeliac Society website for vital information on what's safe to eat and drink, and what to avoid. And I must say it's probably the worst website I've ever seen.

It keeps telling me to "accept cookies", but it doesn't fucking say if they're gluten free.




I burst into tears whilst cutting up an onion this morning. I imagine you would too if you’d been watching your wife suck off the milkman whilst you were doing it




Rumour has it Taylor Swift is endorsing Joe Biden.

Which makes a lot of sense because 90% of her songs are about choosing the wrong guy.



When I make a spliff they always come out perfect.

It's just how I roll.



Everyone saying we're on the brink of World War 3, is talking bollocks.

The French are nowhere near surrendering.