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Thread: What's your sickest joke?

  1. #2026
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    Sick text jokes

    Red Bull F1 have sacked
    Max Verstappen for
    breach of contract
    when he applied for the
    job it specifically said "No
    tyre kickers"


    "That's just typical of you"
    said the Mrs, "I can't take
    you anywhere without
    you embarrassing me,
    Pride Month is an annual
    celebration and tribute
    to those brave men and
    who were involved in the
    Stonewall riots to protest
    the treatment of LBGT
    + people in New York 52
    years ago."
    After she had finished
    berating me, at length,
    I emailed the local
    newspaper to place a for-sale
    advert for 2 male and
    11 female Lions.


    To show allegiance to
    BLM, Ben White has been
    told to change his name
    to Been White.


    Statistically Chinese
    prostitutes make twice
    as much money as other
    nationalities.
    This is because, after
    you've fucked them, you
    feel like fucking them
    again an hour later.


    Intense gym excersise
    can lead to motor neurone
    disease..
    One of the first symptoms
    is an inability to swallow..
    That's why you'll never see
    Elton John in a gym.


    Poland and Iceland drew.
    Iceland have a habit of not
    losing to the English.


    The world health
    organisation has no sense
    of humour. If they did they
    would have called the
    Indian variant "cobra"


    BBC Breaking News :
    White called up to England
    Euro squad.
    We'll it'll be good to have
    at least one there.


    The LGBT community
    in Istanbul have several
    events going on in June
    to celebrate Turkish flat
    bread.
    It's gay pride month.


    It's utterly ridiculous that
    you have to wear a mask
    to watch a football match
    in a sparsely attended,
    open-air stadium.
    Lip readers can't tell if
    fans are shouting Boo!
    Or Coon! either. That's
    something, I suppose.


    The Crown bosses are
    struggling to find a boy to
    play a young Prince Harry
    in series five because of a
    shortage of black ginger
    actors.


    I love this sunny weather.
    Short little miniskirts and
    low cut tops.
    Mind you if it wasn't Pride
    Month I'd probably be
    getting some funny looks.


    As the young Arsenal
    winger heard noises from
    the crowd, he turned to
    the England manager and
    asked if they were booing.
    "No" said Southgate
    nervously They're saying
    "Boo-kayo - Saka! Boo-kayo
    Saka!"


    I've always had an
    admiration for bands who
    name themselves to suit
    their appearance. Like
    Motley Crue, The Specials
    and The Misfits.
    Oh, and The Floaters.


    There's a guy online who's
    trained his dog to bring
    him beers from the fridge.
    That's nothing.
    Mine does that, plus
    cooks, cleans, washes
    dishes and sucks my
    cock.
    The wife goes mad at him.


    Daily Telegraph online
    comment on Elton John
    by Robin Sudlow
    11 Jun 2021 1. 40PM
    Musically sound, but
    his diction has become
    appallingly hard to
    discern.
    Quinten Crisp couldn't have
    put it better...


    Piers Morgan has
    criticised model Emily
    Ratajkowski for the way
    she held her three-month-old
    son in a photograph.
    For once I agree with
    Morgan.
    You couldn't see her tits.


    What goes black red black
    red black red black red
    black red fuck?
    Me losing a fortune on
    Ladbrokes roulette.

  2. #2027
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    Smile Sick text jokes

    I was gutted to
    hear Ned Beatty from
    Deliverance had died. I
    was squealing like a pig
    when I was told.


    "There's a new ad for KY
    jelly. They have a photo of
    a banjo and the slogan,
    " nobody should have to
    squeal like a pig. "
    " Do they do home
    Deliverance? "

  3. #2028
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    Sick text jokes

    As a tribute to Ned Beatty,
    fans have been asked to
    wear their trousers at half
    mast.


    They are so stupid in the
    deep south of America.
    They call a jam session
    between a city-slicker
    guitar player and a banjo-twanging
    simpleton as 'Duelling Banjos'


    "I started wondering
    whatever happened to
    the inbred kid who played
    the banjo in Deliverance
    Yesterday."
    "What because of the
    news of Ned Beatty's
    death?"
    "No. I was watching the
    Scotland game at
    half time I saw Darren
    Fletcher."


    This time Lisa Banes is
    the Gone Girl.


    BBC News :
    "Humpback whale gulps
    and spits out Cape Cod
    lobsterman."
    That's odd, I thought
    the fat ones always
    swallowed seamen.


    A paraglider has landed in
    the stadium hosting the
    France V Germany match.
    The French immediately
    ripped the all white kit off
    the Germans and waved it
    at the invader.


    The last time a German
    parachuted down on a
    bunch of Frenchmen was
    in WW2.


    Hey Greenpeace, should have
    got the Queen to do it-she
    knows how to parachute
    into a stadium.


    What does the universe's
    largest known star VY
    Canis Majoris and a Labia
    Majora have in common?
    They both lead to black
    holes.

  4. #2029
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    Sick text jokes

    I saw a headline which
    made me think of how
    disgraceful it is that
    the privileged, entitled
    dominant majority abuse
    their country's oppressed
    minority footballers just
    for not playing well.
    "Sweden's Marcus Berg
    suffers online abuse after
    miss"


    Scotland play England on
    Friday.
    Or from Nicola Sturgeon's
    point of view, "The Tories
    are gonna to thrash us."


    Wales are unbeaten
    without Ryan Giggs.
    Like his ex.


    So Cristiano Ronaldo
    made it very clear he
    doesn't drink Coke.
    Well Michael Jackson
    didn't drink Pepsi, but he
    didn't set his hair on fire...


    Cristiano Ronaldo making
    records again as the first
    36 year old footballer to
    say no to Coke.

    Scotland lost a match
    Czechmate.


    N'golo Kante covers every
    blade of grass every leaf,
    every piece of bark on the
    tree.
    What else do you expect
    from a monkey?


    Looking at the back
    of the internal router
    the code looks like
    Lady Gaga's lyrics.
    RRRRAAA5678HHA
    RRROOOMMMAAARRROOHH
    MMMAAHHl+H4791RRROOHH
    GGGGAAAGGGAAAOOOHNNL

  5. #2030
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    Sick text jokes

    Shares in Coca Cola have
    dropped by 3 billion since
    Ronaldo basically said it
    was shit on live TV, people
    are so easily influenced.
    So come on then Ronaldo,
    how about calling the
    Conservatives a bunch of
    cunts then?


    Spurs fans,
    This Sunday from 10am
    -6pm there's a Covid
    vaccination event taking
    place at Tottenham
    Hotspur Stadium for
    people aged 18 and over.
    So get yourselves down
    there, and you'll finally see
    some shots going in...


    The question was asked
    how could England
    mare Harry Kane pass
    a lot more regularly and
    accurately.
    Easy, put him on
    Mastermind.


    Did you know that if you
    watch the film "Taken"
    on mute, it’s about an
    old bastard who stalks a
    young teenage girl across
    the globe. Finds her at a
    prostitution ring auction
    and kidnaps her.


    It's ladies day at Ascot
    and both Sarah Jessica
    Parker and Katherine Ryan
    were said to be furious
    when they were refused
    entry into the VIP entrance
    and directed towards the
    stables.


    Completely
    misunderstood pride
    Month. Does anyone want
    to buy 15 Lions?


    I was playing football
    manager on my PC when I
    got offered the Spurs job.
    I realised it was a shit
    squad with no future
    so I put the phone down
    and got back to playing
    football manager.

  6. #2031
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    Sick text jokes

    Following loads of kilt
    wearing Scotland fans
    travelling down to Kings
    Cross, LNER have had to
    bring in extra cleaners to
    remove all the skid marks
    from the train seats.


    Harry Maguire has
    declared himself fit
    enough to face Scotland
    as he now only has one
    leg in plaster.


    Harry Kane bought an Old
    English sheepdog.
    When he got home his
    wife said, "No way. I can't
    handle all this fucking
    dribble. And it would be
    twice as bad with the dog
    too."


    I was at work cleaning
    the shit and spunk of the
    floor of an abattoir from
    the slaughtered animals.
    Hard dirty smelly graft on
    minimum wage. A spade
    and bucket in my hand
    for twelve hours a day. I
    then got taken into the
    office, a phone call for
    me, fuck was I surprised.
    It was only Daniel
    Levy offering me the
    Tottenham job. I looked at
    my manager in disbelief
    and said,
    "For fucks sake, give me
    my bucket and spade back
    please."


    England knelt to virtue
    signal to the braying woke
    mob.
    Scotland knelt because
    they thought England
    dropped a tenner.


    My fat, naked wife lying on
    the bed has just reminded
    me of the Scotland v
    English match.
    The first half is acceptable
    with a couple of stray
    bouncers but the second
    half is a fucking disaster
    that ends in a pish ridden
    tunnel.


    Harry Kane's
    performances for England
    so far in the tournament
    arn very similar to my sex
    skills.
    Like him I don't do much
    in the bed, lack energy,
    disappoint massively and
    Finally end up finishing
    sooner than expected.


    I missed the
    highlights of England v
    Scotland
    I blinked.

  7. #2032
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    Sick text jokes

    Virgin Radio have a new
    decimated LGBT + channel.
    They hope it'll help lezzas
    get into the groove.


    Last time Queen went
    platinum it was a night at
    the opera.


    A tsunami that hit
    Scotland around 8,200
    years ago could devastate
    entire towns if it happened
    today, according to new
    research.
    But there's no need to
    worry, Nicola Sturgeon's
    doing a firm job of it all by
    herself.


    BREAKING NEWS :
    GOVERNMENT HEALTH
    OFFICIALS OFFER ADVICE
    TAKE THE JAB,
    YOU'RE FUCKED ANYWAY.


    As you get older, things
    become harder and harder
    every day.. Except your
    cock.


    Michael Portillo was
    behind me in the queue
    at the Costa Coffee
    concession at the train
    station earlier looking
    resplendent in orange
    blazer, blue shirt and
    yellow socks.
    Before I had time to ask
    He said, "Yes. I am filming
    one of my Great British
    Railway Journeys."
    "Flat white for the trip
    then?". I enquired, to which
    he replied in an incredibly
    camp voice.
    "Actually I prefer a long
    black. Oooooooooh."



    It's Pride month.
    I have two sons and I'm so
    proud they're straight.


    Here is a quick guide
    to the variants new
    names, which have been
    destigmatized.
    Old, UK New
    Alpha
    Old, South Africa. New,
    Beta
    Old Brazil. New
    Gamma
    Old, India. New
    Delhi

    Who ( world Health
    Organisation.) have said
    the covid variants should
    be given Greek letters
    from now on.
    UK scientists are worried
    about the rapid spread
    of the lota Nu Delta lota
    Alpha Nu variant.


    There's a new mutant
    variant of Covid-19
    moving like a ninja via the
    sewers of New York.
    I bet it was started by that
    dumbass, Michaelangelo.


    If the answer is "The
    whole fucking lot of it"
    What is the question?
    How much of the £587.42
    in my ISA would I give
    Rhian Sugden to take a
    shit on my chest?


    Love the fact that June
    is dedicated to shagging
    Filthy slags with well
    stretched cunts.
    Happy Gape-Ride month
    everyone


    Operator : 911 what's your
    emergency?
    Caller : I saw a black guy
    get shot!
    Operator : Did you get the
    shooters badge number?


    Taking his lead from Ronaldo, at the post
    game press conference Scotland captain
    Andy Robertson removed the sponsors Coke bottles and said, "Drink Buckfast."

  8. #2033
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    Sick text jokes

    France are among the
    favourites to win the
    Euros.
    Being French, I can see
    them running away with it.


    Scotland ;two games, no
    goals. The last Scotsman
    to have more than one
    shot on target was
    Thomas Hamilton at
    Dunblane.


    "Tokyo Olympic athletes
    warned not to use 160,000
    free condoms.
    I guess they'll have to limit
    themselves to 159,99.


    France drew with Hungary
    at the Euros.
    Their style of play can
    certainly raise some flags.


    "'Sterling' the most
    inappropriate name in
    football.


    A family in the news
    claim that their holiday
    to pontins was ruined by
    pissed up people smoking
    drugs all day!
    Sounds like a good
    holiday to me.


    Why will China never win
    an international medieval
    sports championship?
    There's too many chinks in
    their armour.

  9. #2034
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    Scotland want's to ban
    Manchester people from
    entering Scotland except
    for essential purpose.
    To be honest, I'm from
    Manchester and it would
    have to be pretty fucking
    essential to get me within
    a hundred miles of the
    place.


    Covid tests for Mason
    Mount and Ben Chilwell after
    their interaction with Billy
    Gilmour in the tunnel
    worth then getting HIV
    tests too, just to be on the
    safe side.


    Can we find a video of
    Sterling hugging Billy
    Gilmour so he has to
    isolate too?


    Gilmour had to self isolate
    due to Covid. He sent a
    message to his mates :
    Wish You Were Here.


    Scotland player Billy
    Gilmour has been
    diagnosed with COVID-19
    and is isolating for 10
    days.
    England players Mason
    Mount and Ben Chilwell
    are temporarily self -
    isolating after what's
    described as interaction
    in the tunnel with Gilmour
    following the Euros game
    on Sunday.
    These footballers will
    have a fucking threesome
    anywhere.


    Stephen O'Donnell
    has had his Scottish
    banknotes refused
    at the shops near the
    teams training ground in
    Middlesbrough.
    Luckily he still has sterling
    in his back pocket.

  10. #2035
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    Sick text jokes

    Sky Sports : Manchester
    City make £100m bid for
    Tottenham striker Harry
    Kane.
    Presumably no one
    at Man City bothered
    to watch England v
    Scotland...


    Scotland’s Billy Gilmour
    tests positive for Covid.
    Anyone that’s been within
    2 metres of him will have
    to self isolate.
    So the England midfield
    needn't worry.


    Scotland get their first
    positive result at the
    Euros.
    It's Billy Gilmour and he'll
    need to self-quarantine.


    Carl Nassib, who is the
    first active NFL player
    to come out as gay, was
    recently traded from the
    Las Vegas Raiders to the
    Green Bay Packers. He
    goes from being an Anal
    Raider to a Fudge packer.


    Carl Nassib become first
    active NFL player to come
    out as gay.
    I don't know much about
    American football but
    I'm guessing he's not the Tight
    End?


    Carl Nassib becomes first
    active NFL player to come
    out as gay.
    He's now looking for a
    wide receiver.


    England have to finish
    third in the group for an
    easier route in the Euros,
    So they should lose
    tonight's game.


    After their performance
    against Scotland that
    shouldn't be too hard.


    England QUALIFY for Euro
    2021 knockout stages
    despite not kicking a ball.
    They'll still fuck it up
    somehow.


    I'm looking forward to the
    England v Czech Republic
    match later.
    With the realisation that
    the group winners will be
    facing France. Germany
    or Portugal I'm expecting
    a good open game with
    plenty of own goals.


    Breaking News - England's
    Mason Mount and Ben
    Chilwell will miss the
    game against the Czech
    Republic as they self-isolate
    because of a risk of Covid-19
    experience.
    They’re looking through
    Billy Gilmour's eyes.


    NFL linebacker Carl
    Nassib comes out as gay,
    and changes position to
    tight end.


    Stephen Hawkins final
    unfinished book is going
    to bo published at last.
    It's about time.


    I get locked down
    then I get out again
    Wish somebody would
    write a song about it.


    Prince Harry has been
    edited out of a royal
    family photograph
    marketing Prince Williams
    birthday!
    Nevermind don't worry
    Harry, maybe James
    Hewitt can edit you into
    one of his.


    BBC News - A Scottish
    pensioner has become
    a great - great - great -
    grandmother with six
    generations alive at the
    same time. Mary Marshall,
    86,has a total of 90
    grandchildren, great-
    grandchildren, great- great -
    grandchildren and great -
    great - great - grandchildren.
    She says she is forgiven
    for not buying Christmas
    And birthday presents as
    she is Scottish.


    Why is it guardian readers
    are offended if you call
    Caitlyn Jenner Bruce but
    insist on calling Tommy
    Robinson yaxley-lennon?.

  11. #2036
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    Sick text jokes

    So some transphobic
    people are making a
    fuss that a New Zealand
    female weightlifter
    actually used to compete
    as a man.
    Look, you have to accept
    that Down Under some
    female weightlifters are
    different.


    The founder of McAfee
    anti-virus was found dead.
    That's a reminder to us all,
    to keep our vaccinations
    up to date.


    My name is Luka. I scored
    the second goal. I sent the
    Scot's back home.
    Yes I think you've seen me
    before.


    What do you call a blimp
    with lots of light-emitting
    diodes?
    LED Zeppelin.



    Breaking news
    Late addition to the
    Queen's Birthday Honours
    List.
    Billy Gilmour awarded an
    MBE for getting Scotland
    their only positive result in
    the Euros.


    Just watched BBC news
    where an asian woman
    described the world of
    politics as dominated by
    people who are Male Pale
    and Stale "....
    Well done you have
    managed to be Sexist
    Racist and Ageist in one
    short sentence.


    I never had Homer
    Simpson underwear but I
    did once have Apu in my
    pants.


    The Bank of England's
    new £50 note featuring
    the portrait of Alan Turing
    has entered circulation.
    No doubt their existence
    will remain an enigma to
    me.


    Sports Direct have
    reported a surge in sales
    of France, Germany, Italy
    Portugal, Holland, Croatia,
    Belgium and Spain shirts.
    The Glasgow branch
    manager is struggling to
    deal with demand.


    Billie Eilish apologises
    for mouthing an apparent
    racist slur in a resurfaced
    five-year-old clip.
    She can no longer play
    cricket for England.

  12. #2037
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    Sick text jokes

    My wife and my feminist
    daughter just spent
    The whole afternoon
    badgering and haranguing
    me hard about going in to
    get the "vaccine" ( which
    I'm not going to fucking
    do )
    I told told them both. "I'm
    surprised you two are SO
    concerned about this with
    me, as the way you talk to
    me about everything else
    you sound like you could
    care less if I am even
    alive!"
    "This really isn't about
    your health, It's just about
    us exerting power over
    you."

    My idea of heaven
    would be eating a
    Cadbury's flake out of
    Scarlett Johansson's
    minge, but sadly no...
    the producers of BBC's
    Saturday Kitchen had
    other ideas.


    "What's your problem?"
    "What the fuck were you doing?"
    "That's was your fault"
    "No, it was your fault, you didn't look
    where you were going. People like you
    shouldn't be allowed to drive"
    "Fuck You."
    " No, fuck you, fucking woman.
    Anyway, that's the end of your test.
    Now get out."


    Great to see Arnold
    Schwarzenegger taking
    pest control seriously.
    He's an exterminator.


    Fuck you Germany, come
    back and gloat when
    you've won two world
    wars.


    Croatia has a smaller
    population than Scotland
    yet do well in major
    competitions.


    Who was Man United best
    ever Captain?
    I'd say the pilot who flew
    the plane home in 1958.


    Headline :

    "South African 'diamonds'
    turn out to be quartz
    as thousands of
    disappointed Africans
    rush to site."
    Sometimes these jokes
    write themselves.


    My local dealer just sold
    me some hash brown


    Meghan and Harry
    'did not want to use Earl of
    Dumbarton title for Archie
    because it contained the
    word' dumb ' and they
    thought he would be
    bullied.'
    Still preferable to the Earl
    of Dumbarton.


    I met a woman in a bar
    who told me to take her
    home and dominate her.
    So I took her to my flat,
    turned on the Xbox, and
    absolutely fucking ruined
    her on FIFA.


    Afghanistan still on Red
    list for British tourists,
    Quarantine for 11 days in
    a hotel on return.
    I'll settle for 11 days in the
    hotel thanks.

  13. #2038
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    Mate I don't wanna be rude but you do realize that most people have no fucken idea what the majority of your posts mean? Maybe filter out the pommy stuff which makes no fucken sense AT ALL

  14. #2039
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    Sick text jokes

    I've just bought shares
    in Paint Wizard and Dent
    Magic ahead of Tuesday’s
    game. There’s a killing to
    be made fixing all those
    dents and key scratches
    on BMWs, Audis and
    Mercedes outside
    Wembley.


    Just walked into a pub in
    Scotland and said, "Bitter
    luv." she said, "Yeah, but
    what would you like to
    drink?"


    Gay Pride
    The truest oxymoron.


    "Hello Mr Brown, come
    in."
    "Thank you Doctor. This
    is my beautiful wife, so
    what's the diagnosis?"
    "You have erectile
    disjunction."
    "Is there anything I can
    do?"
    "Yes. I recommend a visit
    to SpecSavers."


    I just saw an audition
    on YouTube for AGT
    ( America's Got Talent ).
    Where a 5 member
    "boyband" called "The
    Other Direction" hilariously
    performs as a group that
    is the exact opposite
    sexual orientation as "One
    Direction"
    Basically they are 5
    guys that are completely
    straight.


    Do you remember, as a
    child, always being told
    what you can and can’t do
    by your parents?
    "Get your elbows off the
    table" "Stop picking
    your nose" "Don't sit
    too near the television"
    "Eat all your vegetables"
    "Wash behind your ears"
    The one that really
    annoyed me was. "Don't
    eat in bed," yet when you
    went into their bedroom
    the next morning there
    were yoghurt stains on
    their bedspread!


    Britney Spears expressed
    serious opposition to the
    conservatorship that gave
    her father control over her
    finances and personal life.
    She feels the
    convervatorship has
    become an oppressive
    and controlling tool
    against her.
    I'd be her daddy with a tool
    against her she wouldn't
    mind.


    Britney Spears in court
    this week
    'I'm sorry to everyone for
    pretending to be alright'
    That's alright love we
    all know your music's
    crap we just wank over
    the videos with the mute
    button on.


    I like my women like way I
    like my vinyl speeds
    16
    33
    45
    78


    Quinten Crisp picks
    his men like his record
    collection.
    7 inches will do, but he
    likes a proper 12 incher
    preferably black.
    Ooooh.


    I've just started a new job
    and my female boss is a
    proper MILF
    Minging Ignorant Lesbian
    Feminist.


    The Chav's Lord's Prayer

    Our Father, who art
    in prison, even mum
    knows not His name, thy
    Chavdom come, you'll
    read The Sun, in Exmouth
    which is in Devon give
    us this day our welfare
    bread, and forgive us our
    ASBOs as we happy slap
    those who got ASBOs
    against us, lead us not
    into employment, but
    deliever us free housing, for
    thine is the Chavdom, the
    burberry and the Bacardi
    for ever and ever.
    Innt

  15. #2040
    Join Date
    22nd October 2020 - 17:03
    Bike
    Suzuki 250 1976
    Location
    Lower Hutt
    Posts
    0

    Sick text jokes

    What next? Gay Daleks?
    Exfoliate! Exfoliate!


    Captain Jack Harkness,
    "Doctor, I don't think this is
    going to fit!
    Doctor," Oooh, don't worry
    about it sweetie... It's
    bigger on the inside! "


    NEWSFLASH : Quinten
    Crisp to be the next
    Doctor who
    Woooooo oooooo
    Woooooo oooooo.........


    Gay Olly Alexander is to
    star as TV's time lord.
    Doctor poo


    OK, The Doctor's going to
    be a faggot, but at least
    the Tardis will be able to
    reverse park again.


    Will the new Doctor be
    picking up blokes and
    giving them a ride in his
    turdis.


    T. A. R. D. I. S

    Taking A Rigid Dick Inside
    Shitter....


    The new Doctor loves his
    little blue police box, I've
    heard he's very fond of
    truncheon and helmet as
    Well ooooooooooo


    Dr who has gone from
    Time Lord to Gaylord.


    The next Doctor is
    gay.
    The Tardis is having back
    doors fitted.


    Well who'd thought...
    Looks like Ronaldo is
    now having less touches
    over summer than Matt
    Hancock.


    Mission : Impossible 7
    filming is paused AGAIN
    due to a positive Covid
    test on Tom Cruise.
    He had to stand on a box
    to catch it.


    Queen extends an olive
    branch to Prince Harry
    and a banana branch
    to Meghan Markle as
    She invites them to her
    Platform Jubilee.


    A man goes to see a
    doctor.
    "Doctor," he says, "I think
    there's something wrong
    with me. Every time I hear
    Beyonce's voice I have an
    orgasm."
    "Funny," he replies the doctor,
    "that’s what my daughter
    used to say about R. Kelly
    many years ago."

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