What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

Trump-noun
Shit wrapped in skin.


The Gender Equality crap
has gone too far these
days.
My gay son told me he
just got a new job at
this all male version of
Hooters called "Peckers".


My first day as a home
help for the elderly could
have gone better
"There you go Mrs Jones,
I've emptied out that big
ashtray you keep on the
mantlepiece for you."


What do you call a group
of 6 Chinese tourists?
A six pack of Corona Extra.

[Piper]

Before I became a stunt man I trained to make mattresses.
Just in case I needed something to fall back on.


A few hundred years ago, white people were transported to Australia, on ships in chains.
They made a great
country.
What the fuck are the black cunts complaining about?


There's the age old adage
"If it has tyres or tits you're going to have trouble with it."
"There's always the exception that
proves the Goddamn rule!" Mr Pitt 56
Los Angeles.


I saw a midget climbing
down a prison wall...I thought that`s a
little condescending....!!


It just fucking amazes me
that there are men's perfumes out there that
costs upwards of $100 a bottle.
But it's very easy for me to
say that when I'm having a KFC
meal and I'll soon be
having a date with a black woman.


I'm smoking too much.
I am going through two
lighters a day.


How do you convince a
liberal something is
true?
Put it beneath a headline.


I nominated my wife for
a CBE but I got a very
snotty letter back telling
me that 'Cunt Of The British Empire`
was not a recognised honour.


I was walking through Vatican City
and I bumped into the Pope
who was wearing a grey suit
and dark glasses.
I guess that’s a blessing in
disguise.


Just watched Close Encounters
Of The Third Kind.
Richard Dreyfuss ended
up abandoning his wife
and 4 kids, and flying off
with aliens.
Many men have that
fantasy.



I picked up this bird on
the bus the other day and
we ended up back at her
place having a great 64.
It's just a 69 but she was
in a wheelchair.


My father was reminiscing
about the good old days
of pubs, the busty
barmaids, no political
correctness with the
booby jokes, and the
friendly coloured chaps,
they loved a good jam
jar joke, and the fags,
sorry, cigarettes, yes you
couldn't see from one end
of the bar to the other
for the stale wafting
smoke of Park Drive
and Port Royal. Myself
personally, I miss the days
when the pubs let you in
and you could order a pint.

[Piper]

Disney
Scottish for doesn't.


Definition of a
backhanded compliment :
Your wife telling you,
"Nobody makes love to
me the way you do."


My daughter 's black
boyfriend is called Sam.
So technically that makes
him her beau.


Three Jewish men are
chased by BLM protesters
and accused of being
from the 'synagogue of
Satan' in Philadelphia.
That's no way to treat
ZZ Top.


I've told the kid's despite
family traditions, this will
be the last year they can
go round houses with their
Nan on Halloween.
I've borrowed a wheelchair
and it's not just her age...
But she did die from
Coronavirus last Monday.


The other day I saw a
video of an owner letting
his dog lick the inside of
his dishwasher.
Lucky girl.


The wife's been complaining about getting
blisters on her hands from using the broom..
I don't understand why she didn't just use the
car!

[Piper]

"Sorry Meatloaf but
your missus is fucking
ugly. No doubt she has a
wonderful personality, is a
marvellous cook and will
suck you off at the drop of
a hat."
"She's my sister"
"Still, two out of three ain't
bad."


"Oh darling, you all set?"
He whispered seductively
"Yes" she replied huskily
"Have you thought of a
safe word?"
"Meatloaf" she answered
He queried.
"But of course." she said,
I'll do anything for love
but I won't do that! "


Kids are so occupied by
their phones these days, in
20 years time they will be
saying
" Fuck me, how long has
there been a house next
door? "


" Women, it’s said, have
many faults.
Men have only two.
Everything they say,
And everything they do.
-Melania Trump.




The girls around town call
me "The Terminator."
I'm not muscular or tough,
but I have an oozey nine-millimetre.


What do you call an old
black guy?
Antique farm equipment.

[Piper]

Dr No...
I'm sorry Mrs Connery but
He's gone.


It's okay, Sean Connery
has a new calling.
Double oh heaven....


Australia records zero
Coronavirus cases.
Come on Australia, I know
you don't take anything
seriously but this is
important.


People say that
pornography creates
unrealistic expectations
among young women.
Namely they can earn
more money than men.


Cocaine is like a good
book. You know you’re up
for work in the morning,
but you keep going back
for another line.


I wish I was more forward-thinking.
That time, years ago when
my ex found knickers in
the glove-box, all I had to
say was, "It's my face mask
for 2020!"


Life is like a box of
chocolates.
Not as fun with diabetes.


I saw a man at the airport
with a bulletproof vest.
I reminded him it's an
airport not a school.

[Piper]

Johnny Depp is to star in a
new scifi epic.
He's to play the captain of
a starship that discovers a
planet inhabited by aliens
who regularly beat their
wives.
It's called into-Stella.


My thoughts on women
are similar to my thoughts
on toilet paper.
The quality’s irrelevant
when your just going to
spaff in it.


I don't like being called
a racist. I prefer ethnic
critic...


I saw a sign today that
made me piss myself.
It said, "TOILETS CLOSED."

[Piper]

Why can't 2 grown up elderly men just shake
hands and enjoy 2 years each as president?


In America not voting for Trump is
for Biden.


Americans are saying the presidential election results on a knife edge and it
could take a week to announce a winner.
I think they've just Biden their time.


With the election count
still going on Donald
Trump has been shitting
bricks for hours.
Which means he can
finally finish his wall.


With regards to his loss in
court, Johnny Depp is said
to be taking it on the chin.
Much like his ex.


These election results are taking longer to
Come out than Phillip Schofield.


What's the difference between Johnny Depp
and channel immigrants?
Johnny Depp ends up in hot water, channel
immigrants and up in cold water.


When you turn 100 you get a letter from the
Queen.
When you turn 16 you get a text from
Prince Andrew.


Luis Troyano may have
come runner-up to Nancy
Birthwhistle on the Great
British Bake Off for
making cakes, but at least
he came first in the brown
bread category.

[1/32 man]

The only one I can remember....”Two peanuts went to a party, one was assaulted “

[Piper]

I know Americans are supposed
to be stupid but I 've been
seeing them carrying signs
saying, "Stop the count."
Thick bastards.
It's spelled cunt.


The American Presidential
election result will be
announced soon.
The computer guy is just
Putin in the final scores.


Fuck me, I know the Yanks
are a bit slow and dumb,
but I suspect they are
using a abacus to count
these votes.
Probably Biden's from
when he was a kid.

[Piper]

Trump said if he lost the
election he would leave
the country.
BI DEN.


Americans.... Donald J Trump
............ You're fired!


The Trump family can no
longer enter the White House.
It's forBiden.

[Piper]

The writings on the
wall for Donald Trump,
FUCK OFF CUNT, yours
sincerely 70m Americans.


In a final last - ditch
attempt to stay in the
White House Donald
Trump will claim to be
self - isolating.


I don't think anything will
Come of the vote rigging
allegations against Joe
Biden.
They were just trumped up
charges.


Official. The
unprecedented Donald
j Trump is now
UN-president-ED.


Tell you what, I wouldn't
want to be Melania's
arsehole tonight.


Breaking News :

Donald Trump has
released a statement
following the confirmation
of Joe Biden as the
presidential election
winner.
"But but but - Hillary's
emails! Benghazi
Waaaaaahhhhhh, s'not
fair!"


Sulking little fat child,
ex-president Donald Trump,
must move out of the
White House.
If his reaction to losing is
anything to go by, expect
this take about four
years.

[Piper]

Nice to see Trump finally
making America Great
Again.


When it comes to raising
our kids, the wife says I
had a small part.
In her.


There's talk of glitter being
banned for Christmas.
About time, that Gary has
been causing trouble for
years.


I raised the alarm at work
today
The midgets were furious.


What's with all these
German shampoos that
keep being advertised.
Since when did we start
talking advice from them
about our showering
habits.

[Piper]

Trezeguet sounds
like an adjective for a
Frenchman, who has
divorced 2 women but is
still uncertain about his
sexuality.


The BBC are to remake the
1960s Police drama Softly
Softly but with a more
21st Century feel.
Monday sees the first
episode of Softly Softly
Catchee Monkey.


"Your hands are cold,"
snapped my wife as I
climbed into bed and
groped her.
"You know what they say,"
I replied. "Cold hands,"
warm heart... "
" In your case, pisshead, "
she sneered," It's cold
hands, cold beer. "


I prefer to think of porn as
a performance enhancing
drug for marriage.

[Piper]

A driver in Sydney was
accused of using her
mobile phone while
driving.
The driver claimed she
was eating a Magnum ice
cream.
Say the same thing
happens in America and
you say to the police
officer, "It's not a phone,
It's a Magnum," just pray
that those aren't your last
words...


I'm not saying I watch
too much porn but my TV,
Laptop and Tablet have
windscreen wipers.


Once ordered some Viagra
off the Dark Web.
Ended up getting stiffed.


Joke for Conspiracy
theorists /The Matrix fans :
Pfizer, the company
who have developed a
Covid Vaccine, are also
the same company who
develop Viagra...
Viagra - the 'blue' pill...
I'm not falling for it.


Burn your Stevie Wonder
records, everyone.
The racist bastard used
the phrase 'coloured
people' on his single
Living For The City.,in 1973.

[Piper]

Rick Astley has admitted
He's shit at custard pie
fights.
He said, "he'd never run
around and dessert you."


I've given up dealing
Coke.
I'm tired of people sticking
their noses in my
business.


The moment I realised
that my girlfriend was a
slag was when she walked
in my kitchen and saw me
slicing a cucumber.
And said," You think my
minge is a fucking money
box or something?"


The Doctor said to
Paddy's wife, "Quick
Paddy is having a stroke!"
Paddy's wife replied,"Shit
not again, Should I look
the other way?"


I said to the robber, "I have
a wife and four kids."
"I'm not going to shoot
you," he replied.
"You heartless cunt," I said.


I was fucking my
secretary up the arse
when my wife walked in.
"You can't do
this to me!"
She said, "I know... that's why
I'm doing it to her!"


Definition of irony, doing
your speed awareness
course on zoom.