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Thread: What's your sickest joke?

  1. #1921
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    Sick text jokes

    This new President is less
    MAGA and more SAGA.


    At the US Presidential
    Inauguration :

    Good of Garth Brooks to
    break away from his KFC
    family bucket to show the
    world he really knows how
    to fuck up a song.


    Boris is already licking Biden's boots.
    And here I was thinking the Democrats were
    against slavery.


    My wife really hates it when I say "you're just
    like your fucking mother."
    To be honest she hates it when I say anything
    during sex.


    My new postwoman is Chinese.
    Her names Mai Ling.

    The missus said she wanted
    treating for her birthday.
    So I painted her with
    Cuprinol.


    This Muslim I was
    working with on a tower
    scaffolding lost his
    footing and slipped. I
    managed to grab his hand
    as he was dangling 150
    feet in the air.
    "Please, Please," he
    begged, "don't let me
    drop!"
    "Will you eat my bacon
    sandwich if I pull you up?"
    "Yes! Yes! of course I will"
    he said.
    So I let him go. I'm not
    having a fucking Muslim
    steal my breakfast.

  2. #1922
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    President Biden has added
    a bust of Rosa Parks to
    the Oval Office. It's not on
    his desk or anything, it's
    on a shelf up the back.


    fact of the day.... there
    have been 2 different
    American presidents since
    Liverpool last scored a
    goal!

  3. #1923
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    Barbie have released 10 new
    dolls to make black girls
    feel more represented.
    They come with
    accessories such as
    a flick knife, needles,
    wraps, spoon, afro comb,
    coconut hair cream,
    condoms and minge
    wipes.


    "Woman 'sacked' from
    chippy for giving free
    sausage to a homeless
    man"
    I remember a bloke who
    gave a free sausage to a
    homeless woman. He got
    five years.


    People who are employed
    are called employees.
    People who have the covid
    test are called
    called testes.



    Lampard on his sacking
    from Chelsea :
    " Friends and family are
    everything, " said the
    former midfielder. "When I
    got home, John Terry was
    already there comforting
    Christine on the
    couch. Not sure how he
    heard the news so quickly,
    but they were both red-faced
    and breathless with
    emotion."

  4. #1924
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    "Space walk will be
    one great leap for UK
    innovation."
    The bloke who wrote that
    will change his mind when
    he realises it's really a
    new dance fad similar to
    twerking.


    Liverpool have all been
    drug tested because
    of their recent poor
    performances. Needless
    to say, they all tested
    negative.
    Probably because they
    just can't score.


    Here's a top tip for when
    all the Travel bans are
    lifted fellas. Always make
    sure you're behind a hot
    girl at the airport security.
    Then when she's putting
    her shoes and belt back
    on you can imagine you're
    just slept with her, except
    you don't have to call her
    an Uber.


    I said to my wife, "I think
    that's a 'Chick with a
    Dick'!"
    "No, that's a rooster."


    I hear Jesy Nelson's
    cousin is to appear on The
    Voice.
    If she's anything like Jesy
    I suggest she goes on The
    Masked Singer.

  5. #1925
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    Just a word of warning.
    If a door to door salesman
    comes to your house
    selling a magic penis,
    don't say, "Magic penis my
    arse."


    My grandfather used to
    say, "When all you have
    is a hammer, the whole
    world looks like a nail."
    Nice man terrible vet.


    I'm trying to decide which
    pop/rock band are the
    biggest bunch of cunts.
    U2 have got the edge I
    think.


    Sean Connery's autopsy :
    Time of death?
    0:07


    The wife and I were
    watching reruns of
    Cheers.
    She said her favourite
    character was Cliff Clavin.
    She always goes beyond
    the norm.

  6. #1926
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    Captain Sir Thomas
    Moore's daughter has
    tweeted that her father
    has tested positive
    with Covid and has been
    admitted to hospital.
    When asked if she thinks
    he'll overcome it, she said,
    I reckon he'll walk it. "


    Olivia Newton-John says
    she WON'T take the
    Coronavirus vaccine.
    One prick and your
    husband fucks off.


    Apparently Scientists can
    make graphene sheet just
    one atom thick.
    A spokesman for Walker's
    Crisps said," That's nothing
    new we' ve been using that
    technology for decades."


    Scientists boasting about
    about a one atom thick
    graphene sheet.
    Fuck all.
    They obviously never
    saw a Karen Carpenter
    sandwich.


    I have an awful track
    record with the ladies. I've
    been binned more times
    than Karen Carpenters
    meals.


    Life is not so bad after
    all.... if you were unluckly
    enough to be born as a
    drone bee, this is what you
    have to look forward to.

    Drone bees live with one
    purpose in mind: mating
    with a queen, when
    They're lucky enough to
    achieve it, it only lasts a
    few seconds, and they die
    immediately afterward,
    because their penis and
    abdominal tissues are
    violently ripped from
    the body as part of the
    process. If that's the reward for
    shagging the Queen no
    wonder Prince Phillip looks
    fucked.


    I've been listening to
    music by the Artic
    Monkeys, The Strokes and
    Coldplay but it's given me
    a stomach pain. Think I
    might have Indie gestion.


    Do you know what Noah's
    wife is called?
    Joan of Arc.


    Do I reminisce about
    being the most successful
    Patrol guard at the US/Mexico
    border?
    I never let a Dago by.

  7. #1927
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    "George Osborne to
    relinquish media and
    investment jobs to
    become full-time banker"
    I thought he was one
    of those anyway. Oh,
    BANKER!


    Former Chancellor of.
    the Exchequer, George
    Osborne, has left his
    newspaper editor's role
    in order to become a full-time
    banker.
    In rhyming slang, he's
    already there.

    Elon Musk says he wired
    a monkeys brain to play
    video games.
    A new president in the
    making?


    Trump's entire legal team
    just quit.
    Trump just got an LLB
    from Trump University and
    will defend himself.
    Win some, lose some.


    There's this black guy at
    work who's actually quite
    conservative and also
    really likes Trump in the
    USA.
    He flew off the
    fucking handle like all
    the others though when
    I jokingly called him a
    Trumpanzee.

  8. #1928
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    I'm sick of David
    Attenborough whining
    about species going
    extinct because of climate
    change, without stating
    the obvious.
    We need to eat them
    whilst we can.


    Porn improves cardio-vascular
    fitness, lowers blood pressure
    helps with mental health,
    improves sexual well-being and
    can lead to better
    relationships, claim the
    WHO.
    I love my Jenna ration.

  9. #1929
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    Whenever I hear or see
    Australia, I think of Mary
    Poppins.

    Crim criminey
    Crim criminey
    Crim criminey cher-ee!
    A sweep is as lucky
    As lucky can be
    Crim criminey
    Crim criminey
    Crim criminey cher-oo!
    Good luck will rub off
    When
    I shakes 'ands with you
    Or blow me a kiss
    And that's lucky too


    I was in the supermarket
    and this hot bird was
    checking me out.
    Then she looked at me
    seductively and said...
    "Cash or card?"


    My dad always said never
    forget where you came
    from.... that's why I've
    always felt like a cock and
    a cunt all my life....


    The covid vaccine is 95 %
    effective. It sounds high
    but to put it in perspective
    imagine that's how
    effective your girlfriend's
    contraceptive pill was.


    When my dad told me
    advice on grooming, I was
    very disappointed when
    he started by producing a
    comb and aftershave.

  10. #1930
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    With all the recent
    celebrity deaths I'm
    worried about Mark
    Knopfler.
    Somebody told me he was
    in dire straits.


    Got a new tyre fitted today
    and the mechanic asked
    for a box of Cadbury's
    chocolates as payment.
    It was a Goodyear for the
    Roses.


    The source of American
    obesity :
    In 1984 the UK song "Feed
    The World" was released.
    IN 1985 the Americans
    released the song "We Are
    The World"



    All these people moaning
    about Covid restrictions....
    They need to get out more.

  11. #1931
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    Christopher Plummer now
    appearing in the "The Sound
    Of Silence"


    I don't trust the owls at
    Machu Picchu. I reckon
    They're all Inca hoots.


    My word is my bond.
    Apparently not good
    enough if you’re applying
    for bail outside the U.K.


    "Former Royal Academy of
    Music professor defeated
    in court battle over
    Landolfi violin".
    Obviously somebody was
    on the fiddle here.

  12. #1932
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    Simon Weston has
    decided to make his own
    version of the 'George
    Foreman Grill'.
    It's so good he has put his
    own face on it.


    A prolific Nottingham
    criminal nicknamed the
    Joker, has been jailed
    after dropping a bowling
    ball on a council worker's
    head.
    The rest of the workers
    went out on strike.


    David Beckham signs a
    £10million deal to be the
    media-friendly face of
    'homophobic' Qatar.
    There was a bit of money
    left in the brown paper
    bag.


    It's just come to light how
    Sean Connery's family
    knew he was dead. They
    shook him, but he never
    stirred.


    BREAKING NEWS : Prince
    Harry mocked after
    parading himself on an
    open - top bus with James
    Corden.
    Hardly surprising. Harry
    has been riding an old
    bus since his wedding to
    Markle



    The reason why Adrian
    Mole had such a crush on
    Pandora. He wanted to
    open her box.

  13. #1933
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    HAPPY ALENTINES
    AY
    for those that won't be
    getting the V or the D on
    February 14th.


    Take it to the limit one
    more time. I fucking
    hate these musical
    bathroom scales....


    I ordered a thin crusty
    Supreme from the local
    pizza joint.
    They sent me Diana
    Ross.


    My eight year old son
    was playing football in
    the garden when he tripped
    over his own feet. He
    screamed and thrashed
    about like he had been
    battered.
    I was so proud, my son
    is going to be a premier
    league player someday.


    Going in I had one rule
    that stuck with me. Dont
    drop the soap. Well I didn't
    drop it, not once in two
    and a half years. Its the
    best bit of advice I was
    ever given and the best I
    can ever give.
    Trust me, it just really
    helps to have something
    to bite down on.

  14. #1934
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    What does a pissed off
    Aussie have for Sunday
    lunch?
    Rack of lamb.


    When shopping, does
    anything affect your
    statutory rights?


    I have a hot tub in
    my back garden and
    sometimes my daughter's
    useless layabout black
    boyfriend will spend as
    long as 3 hours just sitting
    in it and relaxing in it.
    My mate Dave asked me
    why the fuck I tolerate
    this, and I just handed
    him a bunch of medical
    literature about how
    jacuzzis can absolutely
    destroy sperm count.


    I asked my neighbour
    if he would help me
    find out what DIY
    means.. He said "do it
    yourself."
    What an unhelpful
    prick!


    Bruce Springsteen
    has just released
    his follow up to
    Spirit In The Night,
    provisionally entitled
    Spirits In The Driver's
    Seat. It's available to
    down in one Drop-ify,
    Boozer and Tipal, but isn't
    available on Apple Juice
    iTunes.


    I thought I would count
    how many seconds
    were in 24 hours, I got to
    86,400, and decided to
    call it a day


    My mate Dave went on a rant
    about Rappers...
    "Fuckin ' lot o' shite, worst
    music ever a monkey
    could write that, looks like
    a monkey could perform it
    as well."
    I replied... "You should
    be ashamed of yourself
    that's completely out of
    order... calling it music."

  15. #1935
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    HELLO DOC, this is SNOW
    WHITE.
    Doc-Hello Snow and what
    can I do for you?
    SNOW - Well I've been
    living as a guest of 7
    friends, and all of a
    sudden i don't feel well,
    a loss of taste, smell,
    dry continuous cough,
    SNEEZY, it's making me
    very GRUMPY.
    DOC-Oh dear Snow it
    sounds like COVID to me,
    you need to self isolate.
    SNOW-OH my, how do I
    tell the Dwarfs?
    Doc-Don't be BASHFUL,
    take paracetamol it may
    make you DOPEY, then
    SLEEPY, but ten days of
    not having to suck Dwarf
    cock will help your cough,
    and after that hopefully
    you will live HAPPY
    ever after.
    Snow-Thanks Doc.


    My girlfriend started to
    Whine, I gently patted her
    back saying, "That's right.
    Let it all out"... sadly... it
    doesn't matter how much
    air you remove, you can
    never get your blow-up
    doll back into the box.


    "I hear you split up with
    your wife."
    "I did. Would you stay with
    someone that sat about in
    their bra and pants all day,
    drinking Gin and watching
    'Loose women'?"
    "I sure wouldn't.
    " Well neither would she. "


    What do 'ou call a 600lb
    fat greedy Indian woman?
    Binjeeta.


    I'm an optimistic
    pessimist.
    I'm positive things will go
    wrong.


    1st rule of business is to
    " Know your customers. "
    This is why America has
    the widest entrances to
    their shops than any other
    country.


    My neighbour just banged
    on the wall at 4.20am,can
    you believe that? Lucky I
    was still up playing music.
    He banged and shouted,
    "Can we have a little
    respect please?"
    So I shouted back, "I am
    not a big Aretha franklin
    fan, but this ones for you."


    Harry and Megan are
    expecting their second
    child.
    Not so fast Harry ;
    normally the second royal
    child is from a different
    dad.


    Instead of shelling out
    massive sums of money
    to firms like Pfizer and
    Astra Zeneca for Covid
    treatments, why not
    ask one of the Tennis
    superstars to help?
    Roger Federer for example
    can make a cortisone.


    What are Muslim women
    getting to prevent
    Coronavirus?
    The hi-jab.


    American gang The
    Bloods, have established
    a bartering system, using
    foot digits obtained from
    their dead enemies
    It's a Crip Toe currency.

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