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Thread: What's your sickest joke?

  1. #1576
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I can drive a
    woman wild with
    my tongue.It's
    simple.I say
    "Have you put
    weight on?"

    There's a dwarf on
    Good Morning
    Britian,arguing
    that wrestling is
    offensive...He
    wasn't Happy.

    My Muslim wife
    wanted to try
    swinging.Before
    that she went on
    the roundabout
    and the slide.

    As we stood
    outside her front
    door,she kissed
    me and whispered,
    "Do you want to
    stay here
    tonight?" "No."
    I
    replied,and went
    home.Why would
    I want to stand
    outside her front
    door all fucking
    night?

    I often stare at a
    prominent sign on
    the wall at my
    Gym that declares
    "NOTHING IS
    IMPOSSIBLE." And
    everytime I think
    "Whoever wrote
    that never tried to
    cancel their
    membership.

    I was having an
    affair with my
    English teacher,but
    she dumped
    me after we had
    anal sex.She
    didn't approve of
    my improper use
    of the colon.

  2. #1577
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I asked my wife
    "Am I the only one
    you've been with?"
    "Yes...but
    I've had some
    sevens and eights."
    she replied.

    Got held up going
    to work by an
    asian lollipop lady,
    she held me there
    for 20 minutes as
    she let the entire
    primary school
    cross,every single
    one of the kids
    asian.In the end I
    got out and started
    handing out
    condoms to her
    and the cofused
    parents.I said,"Use
    these,that's how
    you stop children."

    Why is it that the
    smaller and
    narrower the
    speed hump.The
    more fucking
    damage it does to
    your car?

    Endless love.....
    Stevie Wonder and
    Ray Charles playing
    tennis.


    The music industry
    tells us that money
    made from piracy
    goes to fund the
    illegal drug industry.
    Surely rock stars do
    the same with the
    money they make
    through legel record
    sales.When they stop
    breaking the law,so
    will I.

    Me and the Missus
    made our very first
    sex video last night
    and she has
    suggested we should
    give it a title.She was
    far from happy when I
    came up with
    "Enter The Dragon."

  3. #1578
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I got chatting to
    a Scottish bloke
    in the pub
    tonight,"Have
    you heard about
    that cruise ship
    stranded off the
    coast of
    Sweden?",I said.
    "Norway!!",he
    replied.
    "Honestly". I
    said."You can see
    it on the news
    now."

    A Scotsman
    was up in court
    accused of snagging a
    cat.The Magistrate let
    him off because in
    40 years of being on
    the bench,he'd never
    heard of a Scotsman
    putting anything in a
    kitty.

    I have a phobia about
    escalators and lifts.I
    always take steps to
    avoid them.

    A naked woman
    robbed a bank.
    Nobody could
    remember her face.

    You should never
    give up on your
    dreams! So roll over
    and go back to sleep.

    Persil have just
    invented a washing
    powder so strong that
    it can remove stains
    from Middlesex.

    I went up to a
    homless man sitting
    on a bench in the
    town centre today
    with a cup of coffee
    for him I sat next to
    him and asked how
    he'd got in this
    position.He said to
    me,"You know,three
    weeks ago I had it all,
    my own
    accomodation,a cook,
    good food,the internet,
    TV,I used to
    go to the gym,to the
    swimming pool,the
    library,everything" I
    replied, "Blimey,that's
    a bit rough,what
    happened,bad luck,
    divorce,drugs,alcohol
    problems?" He said
    "No,I got released
    from prison."

    It's a bad day I have
    to tell the wife the
    mortgauge the credit
    cards and the woman
    I've been having an
    affair with are all
    3 months overdue.

    My mate said,"It
    must be awful for you
    having a surname like
    Depressant," I said,
    "It's a lot worse for
    my Auntie."

  4. #1579
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I've asked my wife
    to mark on the
    calendar the days
    she's on her
    period.It worked,but
    hopefully next
    time she'll use
    a pen.

    My new girlfriend
    came up to me as
    I was stacking
    washing powder in
    countdown.She said,
    "You lying bastard,
    you told me you
    were a stunt pilot."
    "No I didn't" I replied,
    "I told you I was
    in the Aerial
    display team."

    The wife was trying
    to be sexy for me
    last night,when I
    went upstairs she
    was lying naked
    sucking a lollipop
    then she stuck it
    up her vigina.I
    said,"Becareful
    with that love,
    you will need it
    for getting the
    kids across the
    road tomorrow.

    Snooker is like a
    council house
    waiting list.If your
    black,you get
    more points than
    any other colour,
    especially whites
    who do all the
    work and are
    worth nothing.

    If at first you don't
    succeed...Try
    doing it the way
    your husband
    told you.

    With all these
    months now
    having slogans
    connected to them
    for doing something
    such as "Stopping
    drinking for stoptober,
    growing a Mustache
    for Movember" and
    such like This is a
    good thing but I
    will be drawing the
    line at "Gaypril."

    I was chatting up
    this really hot girl
    in the pub last
    night when she
    said,"If you want
    to come back to
    mine I'll let you
    lick my pussy out."
    So I made an
    excuse to go for a
    piss then fucked
    off out the back
    door,I'm not into
    that beastiality
    shit!

  5. #1580
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    A midget goes into
    a chemist's shop
    and says,"I want
    the biggest
    condom you
    have." The
    chemist gets out
    the largest they do
    and the midget
    says,"That's not
    big enough.What
    about the one
    outside?" The
    chemist replies
    "Well that's only
    for advertising
    purpose and isn't
    for sale." "Name
    your price." said
    the midget.So the
    chemist eventually
    sells him this large
    rubber prop for
    $50.The midget
    then stretches it all
    over his body until
    he's completely
    covered."What do
    you think?" he
    asks.The chemist
    looks embarrassed
    and says,"Well
    actually you look
    like a big prick."
    "Thank fuck for
    that," said the
    midget."I'm tired
    of being called a
    little cunt!"

    I called into camera house
    today to pick up some
    photos I'd taken of my
    girlfriend naked."Would
    you like the negatives?"
    Asked the guy as he handed
    me the package."Yes
    please!" I replied.He
    said,"Your girlfriend's got
    saggy tits and a fat
    arse."

    I texted my wife this
    afternoon,"Darling,I
    had a bad accident at
    work this morning and
    fell from a great height,
    Sarah kindly rushed
    me to the hospital,the
    doctors have
    examined me and
    tested me,they have
    x-rayed the damage in
    my legs and say I may
    never walk again,and
    will possibly stay in a
    wheelchair for the rest
    of my life." She texted
    back "Who's Sarah?"

    My wife left me about
    a fortnight ago
    because of my
    obsession with Sinead
    O'Conner.It's been
    7 hours and 15 days.

    My mate just asked
    me what ringtone I
    have.I said,I haven't
    really looked.But I'll
    guess at light Brown.

  6. #1581
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Perhaps next year
    we can put the
    clocks back to
    1940; when this
    country last had
    some balls....

    Gays to be stoned
    in Brunei....I see
    they have a Liberal
    attitude to the
    drug culture over
    there; very
    forward thinking....

    An apple a day
    keeps the doctor
    away.Unless you
    are allergic to
    apples.

    Soliders are to be
    investigated after
    shooting at a
    poster of Labour
    leader Jeremy
    Corbyn,an army
    spokesman
    quoted,"This is
    absolutely
    outrageous and
    charges will be
    forthcoming.Not
    one of the soliders
    involved hit the
    fucking target."

    The House of
    Commons has been
    suspended due to
    a water leak I
    thought has always
    been full of drips.

    Raheem Sterling
    has kindly paid for
    550 school kids to
    go and watch Man
    City V Brighton in
    the F.A cup this
    saturday.The tight
    bastard could have
    paid for the other
    50 fans to go too.

  7. #1582
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Imagine how
    funny it would be
    if the sultan of
    Brunei's first name
    was Hassanal.

    Now that
    adulterers in
    Brunei are in such
    dire straits,they
    could do with a
    Sultan of swingers.

    BREAKING NEWS
    from Granda
    Television: To
    honour the first
    black family
    moving into
    Coronation Street,
    the letter 'r' is to
    be dropped from
    'Coronation.'

    Gary Brooker came
    into my hardware
    shop looking for a
    bucket,but he
    didn't want the
    silver heavy
    ionised ones,he
    wanted something
    light,"Here,have
    a look at these
    plastic ones,cheap
    and everlasting,
    only got them in
    white though
    should be fine for
    you.Especially if
    you are looking for
    a whiter shade of
    pale."


    When I was over
    at my mate's
    house,I asked
    him,"What's that
    horrible screeching
    sound? It sounds
    like nails on a
    blackboard." "Oh,
    sorry about that."
    he replied,turning
    the TV down...
    "Our local football
    club just hired a
    female
    commentator."

    I fixed my mother
    in laws gas boiler
    today whilst she
    was out shopping.
    Fingers crossed
    that she will be
    over the moon!

    I could see she
    was going to fold
    when I put my
    chips on the table.
    "Move your
    dinner." she said,
    "I'm doing fucking
    laundry."

    The wife's just
    told me she
    wants a black lab.
    pfft.As if coons
    know how to
    operate
    microscopes and
    Bunsen burners.

    I recently took a
    pole and found out
    100% of the
    occupants were
    angry with me
    when their tent
    collapsed.

    I used to be in a
    band called The
    Crack Addicts: we
    did rock I also
    used to be in a
    band called The
    Overinflated
    Ballon: We did
    pop.Again,used
    to be in a band
    called The
    Hydraulic Press
    we did heavy
    metal.

  8. #1583
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    A Japanese F-35A
    sleath fighter has
    crashed over the
    pacific ocean.I
    see those little
    cunts are up to
    their old tricks
    again.

    Scientists publish
    picture of first
    black hole? I saw
    several on
    Youporn years
    ago.

    "Veiw Giant
    Monster Black
    Hole." My search
    history on
    pornhub.Or a
    headline on BBC
    news.Could be
    both.

    Peolpe who say
    'Talking about
    climate change is
    the tip of the
    iceberg' Arent
    they missing the
    point?

    Not driving your
    car and keeping
    the mileage low to
    maximise the
    resale value is like
    not shagging your
    girlfriend to keep
    her fanny tight for
    the next bloke.

    There are two
    words that have
    opened many
    doors for me in
    life.Push and Pull.

    Apparently my
    premature
    ejaculation causes
    her anger issues.
    We are The Fast and
    The Furious.

  9. #1584
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Freshly posted
    first photo of
    black hole.The
    terrifying natural
    phenomenon that
    pulls everything
    and from which
    there is no escape.
    That's this week's
    contribution to
    Readers Wives
    sorted out then.

    If you think about
    it,Easter is the day
    when people
    purposely put all
    their eggs into one
    basket.

    Muslim lesbians
    hate rock Accept
    rolling stones.

    Thanks to
    accidentally
    leaving my private
    computer on and
    my wife getting on
    it,I'm now stuck
    taking the bitch on
    an expensive trip
    to Greece this
    summer.She said,
    "Oh darling,I can't
    wait to see what
    you've got
    planned...I saw all
    those late night
    searches you did
    for 'Lesbos'!"

    Since the wife lost
    weight I don't see
    as much of her as I
    used too.

    Prince charming
    Drew close to
    snow white.He
    put his lips to her
    ear."BEFORE I
    KISS YOU I JUST
    NEED YOU TO
    SIGN THIS
    CONSENT FORM!!"

    BBC: Meghan
    Markle to give
    birth imminently.
    That's one Royal
    opening I'd pay
    good money to
    see.

  10. #1585
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Will Smith has
    been
    dethroned..he is
    no longer the
    Fresh Prince.

    Well done
    Meghan! At least
    one of the royal
    family will now
    have a huge cock.

    Just spotted
    Prince Harry and
    his mates down
    the local pub
    wetting the babies
    head,and I've
    noticed that the
    traditional brandy
    and cigars have
    been replaced with
    shots of black
    sambuca,banana
    daiquiri's and a
    fucking giant spliff!


    I believe that
    Harry and
    Meghan's baby
    will be named
    Edward,after
    Edward of
    woodstock.It
    would be quite
    fitting as he was
    the eldest son of
    king Edward III
    and father to
    Richard II As well
    as also being
    known
    as the
    Black Prince.


    Will Britain get
    lucky and see the
    end of May before
    the end of May?

    I told my mate
    that my wife's
    knickers remind
    me a lot of Meat
    Loaf."Let me
    guess," he
    laughed..."on the
    front they say,"I
    would do anything
    for love," but on
    the back "but I
    won't do that!"...
    "NO" I replied...
    "They're just
    fucking massive!"

    I've just met a
    chinese drug
    addict.He said
    "Have you seen
    my cocaine?". I
    said,"Not since he
    starred in zulu."

    What flys about
    and stinks of shit?
    A stool pigeon.

    "Elivs
    impersonator
    denies $33,000
    benefit fraud
    while working a
    tribute act." In
    other words...
    Going from
    singing Jailhouse
    Rock to getting
    Jailhouse Cock.

  11. #1586
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile

    I don't know why
    they didn't name
    the baby Ozzy.It
    won't be long now
    before we need a
    new Prince Of
    Darkness.

    A very modern
    royal dad:Prince
    Harry IS changing
    little Archie's
    nappie.The shit
    got real.

    A reporter has
    written that Prince
    Harry is changing
    the baby's nappies,
    due to a
    misunderstanding.
    He didn't realise
    that "Muggins" was
    the Royals
    nickname for
    Meghan's side of
    the family.

    Just interviewed a
    disabled lady who
    was recently
    engaged to her
    now fiance and
    asked her,"What is
    the most
    frustrating thing
    about being
    disabled?" She
    looked down for a
    moment then
    replied..."He's
    always pushing me
    around and talking
    behind my back."

  12. #1587
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile

    "Hello,08454647,NHS
    Helpline,how
    may I help you?"
    "My wife has
    been bitten by a
    snake" "Sir can
    you describe the
    snake for me,
    please." "Well
    err, it was pale
    green with a sort
    of zig zag pattern
    on it's back."
    "Okay sir that
    sounds like an
    adder,Britain's
    only dangerous
    snake,she will
    need medical
    treatment,an
    ambulance will be
    with you shortly,
    but there is
    something you
    can do to help
    her" "Yes,
    anything just tell
    me" "Sir,you wil
    have to suck out
    the venom"
    "What,I can't do
    that" "Sir you
    have to she
    might die if you
    don't..." "but...if
    I suck out the
    vemon there will
    be nothing left!"

    If you are
    addicted to
    masturbating
    thereafter
    becoming
    addicted to sex...
    Does that mean
    that it's got out
    of hand?

    My Ducky Dennis
    has a job
    interview
    tomorrow
    morning to be a
    Binman.He
    should get it,he
    is very good
    emptying out my
    sack.

    I was at this dinner
    when this snobby
    old bitch barked at
    me."Will you pass
    the sweetcorn!"
    "Certainly Madam,"
    I replied,
    "Probably in my
    next shit."

    Young people:
    Worried because
    you are on zero
    hours,mimium
    wage contracts
    and can't afford to
    buy a house?
    Become me when
    I was 21 and didn't
    have an iphone,
    ipad,WiFi,
    computer,72inch
    plasma screen,sky
    tv,holidays
    abroad or car.
    You'll soon
    manage,same as
    I did.

    My wife is sick of
    my obsession with
    80's music and has
    threatened to
    leave me."Oh
    come on Eileen"
    I protested.

    If you didn't sing it
    as..."looking back
    on when we first
    met I cannot
    escape and I
    cannot forget baby
    you're the one you
    still turn me on
    you can fuck my
    hole again"..were
    you ever really a
    90's kid?

    I wonder if Doris
    ever signed her
    name,D Day?

    BAFTA wants
    comedy series to
    mention climate
    change.Yey they
    ban It ain't half
    hot mum?

  13. #1588
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Joke

    A DEA officer
    called at my
    farm..."I need to
    inspect your farm
    for illegally grown
    drugs," he said.
    "By all means
    officer,just don't
    go in that field
    over there." I
    replied.The DEA
    officer exploded,
    saying"Do you
    know who the
    fuck I am? I have
    the authority of
    the federal
    goverment with
    me!",he shouted
    before pulling a
    badge out of his
    back pocket."Do
    you see this
    fucking badge?!
    This badge means
    I can do what I
    want and I"ll go
    wherever the fuck
    I want,have I
    made myself
    clear?!" I nodded
    politely,apologized,and
    went about my
    chores.A short
    while later,I hear
    loud screams,
    looked up and saw
    the DEA agent
    running for his life
    being chased by
    my angry rodeo
    bull.With each
    step,the bull was
    gaining ground and
    he seemed sure to
    be gored before he
    reached safety.
    The officer looked
    terrified and
    continued to run
    for his life.I threw
    down my tools,
    immediately ran to
    the edge of the
    fence and shouted
    at the top of my
    lungs,"Your
    badge,show him
    your fucking
    badge!"

  14. #1589
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    20th January 2010 - 14:41
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    “It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.”

    “I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.”
    Quote Originally Posted by Katman View Post
    I reminder distinctly .




    Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken

  15. #1590
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    What do you call a
    Lesbian who drives
    a Ford Transit Van
    full of penises?
    Dick Van Dyke.

    I've gone and
    confused the
    words 'Yakuza'
    with 'Jacuzzi'...
    Now I'm in hot
    water with the
    Japanese Mafia.

    What annoys me is
    people complaining
    about breast
    feeding in public,
    especially when
    they get offened
    in restaurants.It's
    nothing wierd it's
    the human body,
    all perfectly
    natural,it's 2019
    for fuck sake some
    people act like
    they have never
    seen an adult baby
    before.

    300 football fans
    descend on a bar.
    The barman says,
    "I'm sorry lads but
    I can only serve
    you the same units
    of alcohol as you
    have brain cells
    amongst you." So
    they order 1/2 a
    Carling and 300
    glasses.

    A police officer
    knocked at my
    door today and
    said,"Are you
    BigZav?" "Yes," I
    replied."Get your
    coat," he said."Me
    and you are
    taking a little trip
    down the station."
    "Great," I said to
    him,"I fucking
    love trains."

    I've been seriously
    concerned about
    my teenage son...
    Overnight he's
    become a
    "Wigger" and
    started wearing
    the black fashions,
    and talking with an
    affected "ghetto"
    accent.I wanted
    to be sensitive
    about this and not
    make the rebellion
    worse,so I
    approached him
    and asked,"What
    is it you find so
    appealing about
    "black culture."
    "Mostly living on
    benefits and not
    having to work a
    job."

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