puns

**notme** · 23rd December 2005, 19:23

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

**Sniper** · 23rd December 2005, 19:38

Fuck, I don't know why, but I seem to be laughing uncontrollably.

**notme** · 23rd December 2005, 19:41

Might be the photos in my "Santa" post?

Merry Xmas Sniper, u seem to be the first reply to a lot of my posts dude!

A

**Waylander** · 23rd December 2005, 19:43

He's stalking you, but then he's first to reply to alot of peaple's posts. Must be a cerial stalker.

My dad and brother kept rolling thier eyes at me as I read them.

**notme** · 23rd December 2005, 19:44

Originally Posted by Waylander

He's stalking you, but then he's first to reply to alot of peaples posts. Must be a cerial stalker.

My dad and brother kept rolling thier eyes at me as I read them.

He stalks weetbix and cornflakes?????

**Waylander** · 23rd December 2005, 19:46

Yup, though he seems more interested in Coco Puffs and Frosted flakes.

**Indiana_Jones** · 23rd December 2005, 19:53

He that would pun, would pick a pocket

-Indy

**Sniper** · 23rd December 2005, 22:35

Originally Posted by Indiana_Jones

would pick a pocket

Full of sixpence?

**Hitcher** · 24th December 2005, 16:01

A baby seal walks into a club.

Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other one "You drive, I'll work the gun".

**SPORK** · 24th December 2005, 16:18

Originally Posted by Hitcher

A baby seal walks into a club.

Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other one "You drive, I'll work the gun".

After years of puzzlement, I only just figured out the second one...

And aren't you going to tell Waylander off about his use of "peaple"?

**Waylander** · 24th December 2005, 17:59

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' That aught to about cover me for any future forgetfulness of an apostrophe.

**Swoop** · 24th December 2005, 18:28

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each is carrying two dead raccoons.
The flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.
The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.