Upon the acquisition of chest hair and regular income, coupled with the decoupling of parental supervision, usually experienced by a young male of the species between the ages of 16 and 25, the problems of two previously incompletely-filled needs immediately spring to his mind.
These needs are:
1. Transport.
2. Sex.
Little does our subject, however, realise that a similar algorithm can be applied to the resolution of both problems. In fact, little additional process beyond common sense and a realisation of his own long-term interests is required.
The primary tool in his decision-making arsenal is that of classification; Linnaeus hit the nail on the head with 'Unitas in omni specie ordinem ducit'. From the apparent sea of confusion and desire confronting our prototypical protagonist, we may extract a handful of subtypes to be dissected and focused upon.
These are as follows:
1. The Bomb
Often the first and dubiously-advised choice of a young gentleman of little means, the Bomb gives barely minimal service, and engenders an ongoing unease and general fear of disastrous meltdown, usually at the most inopportune of moments.
In a motorcycle, the Bomb tends to be of Japanese manufacture (price putting similarly decrepit examples from European and American brands out of reach). Maintenance by previous owners is often poor to nonexistent, and the Bomb's heritage usually includes an extended period of inappropriately-protected storage, often in a yard corner with full exposure to the elements.
One may expect a Bike Bomb to sputter to a halt in the middle of a fast-flowing freeway with no shoulder, seize up and wrap itself around a tree while wheezily following better machinery on the open road, or Fail To Proceed from the garage (or, more likely, shared driveway) on the morning of an important job interview.
In a woman, the Bomb may be of any ethnicity, but is usually drawn from the bottom of whatever socioeconomic ladder prevails in the vicinity. The Bomb is never virginal; beginning our trend of obvious parallel, a Woman Bomb will have been used, abused, ill- (or over-)fed and generally unmaintained by a middling-to-long laundry list of previous owners. A period of storage is also usual; whether basal metabolism throughout that period was maintained by extended-family dependence or state welfare varies according to political and social climate.
Expect a Woman Bomb to burst out in four-lettered observations on football teams in the company of one's better-class acquaintances, be unacquainted with cuisine beyond that involving fried root vegetables, scrambled eggs and tinned meat products, and harbour a propensity for drinking to excess from bad-tasting (but cheap) ethanol sources.
2. The Fixer-Upper
Sometimes undistinguishable by the amateur eye from the Bomb, the Fixer-Upper is a somewhat run-down unit which, however, retains the possibility of restoration to a large portion of its former glory (or reconstruction into something almost, but not quite, entirely unlike what it started out as) with a frighteningly disproportionate application of time and money.
Our target audience, viz, the young gentleman of infinite confusion and limited means, is therefore well advised to take advice from older and wiser heads before entering on such an endeavour, since Fixer-Uppers are the most difficult of all subtypes to rid oneself of, not the least due to the fundamental psychological difficulty of abandoning something that has already cost one substantial effort.
In a motorcycle, the Fixer-Upper is almost always British in origin; the likes of Triumph, Norton and BSA have exhibited a historical genius for designing and building bikes that hang together just well enough to survive for ever, without quite managing to attain 'well-running' status regardless of the extent of resources poured into their upkeep. Italian motorcycles simply don't last long enough out of the factory to be Fixed Up, German motorcycles don't break down in the first place, and American motorcycles are undesirable new or old. Be prepared for regular and costly bills from professional mechanics with alarming tooth-sucking habits.
In a woman, the Fixer-Upper tends to hail from a firmly middle-class background, and is invariably the result of many years of childhood torment. Fixer-Uppers can be mistaken in early life for Minters (see below), but be warned - a careful inspection of history and underlying condition should always be undertaken to determine the likelihood of sudden disintegration. Older examples are usually more recognisable, and interviews with previous owners will always reveal the extent of issues requiring substantial resources to remedy. Be prepared for regular and costly bills from psychological health professionals with disturbingly-tidy goatees and/or labrys tattoos.
The main drawback of Fixer-Uppers, both wheeled and ambulatory, is the reluctance to ride them hard that comes naturally to a gentleman owner after the years of patient effort required to restore them to a respectable and reliable state.
3. The Minter
Thankfully for our young gentleman in question, Minters are not uncommon, although a little experience and reasonable resources are always necessary to secure one. The Minter is distinguished by its attractively well-preserved appearance, pleasant aspect, enjoyable ride quality, and reputation for reliability.
In fact, the Minter's primary drawback is cost. General market acceptance of a typical Minter's value will place it out of reach of our less-than-mature would-be owner. Much as it pains the author to admit it, material assistance from older, wiser and better-financed members of family can often be greatly to the advantage of a discerning young man of taste. It is important to remember (and explain, when requesting backing) the usefulness of initial outlay in lowering ongoing risk, both of repair and of the necessity of replacement.
Minter motorcycles may be from almost any non-Italian manufacturer, and are always characterised by a documented service history, and a previous owner possessing a fundamental understanding of the basic mechanical necessities, combined with a touch of the deep-down, Zen-like joy and peace granted by regular and satisfying rides.
Around 90% of Minter women are found between the ages of 28 and 40, and will always be drawn from the upper third (but not the top five percent) of the socioeconomic ladder. Physiological and psychological upkeep will be well documented, and the results thereof should be well in evidence. Previous owners should express satisfaction, with a tinge of regret at their current separation, and the occasional offer to step in and regain possession should you, the new rider, ever feel a need to upgrade or change models. Hearing this, our young gentleman of quality should immediately plan to retain possession of the unit in question for as long as possible.
Possession of a Minter does, of course, carry certain responsibilities, chief among which is regular upkeep. Heaven forbid that our protagonist should, having taken note of this advice, manage to procure himself a Minter, and subsequently let its condition slide to Fixer-Upper, or even Bomb. Such a man's foolishness is deserving of every scrap of difficulty that it will undoubtedly cause him.
4. The New Model
Paradoxically, it is extremely rare that our target audience will ever find himself in a position to acquire a New Model. It is only with the experience and material resources of age that such possessions become within reach. New Models are, of course, the only subtype that causes an extended period of 'lustful gazing' behaviour, combined with an ongoing desire to haul the unit into one's bedroom every evening, lest it somehow otherwise vanish overnight.
It is important, though, to note that the New Model is second only to the Fixer-Upper in terms of ongoing cost, with accessories, insurance and required maintenance coming at a high price. Once funds are available for such a drain on one's bank account, however, few discerning gentlemen will ever go back to one of the other subtypes.
New Model motorcycles are, of course, available from a host of different manufacturers, all with different design and performance goals in mind. The process of shopping for the ride of one's dreams is often described as nearing the ride itself in terms of enjoyability. The 'ride-in' period provides a guilt-free opportunity to hone one's skills on fine machinery without the necessity of manufacturing excuses to acquaintances mounted on inferior, but more familiar, steeds.
New Model women, in parallel to their two-wheeled counterparts, may be drawn from segments across large swathes of society. However, as with motorcycle manufacturers, the aspiring owner does well to pay attention to the reputation of previous products from any given source; quick disintegration to Bomb status is often an unfortunate and unavoidable corollary of acquisition from certain areas. Aged at or below their mid-twenties, New Models provide an optimal ride quality, together with the greatest opportunity for up-to-date accessorising. However, and once again as with motorcycles, the charm of New Model ownership tends to fade within a few years, necessitating an ongoing upgrade cycle. One must remember, however, that a certain level of noblesse oblige does exist; should a gentleman be in a position to maintain such an upgrade cycle, he must think of his social responsibility to feed the Minter market for those of his compatriots who may not be able to afford the same.
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The author hopes that the above information, the result of careful ongoing study, will be of assistance to the general audience, and welcomes feedback. Applications for the position of Research Assistant are currently being considered.
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Rugby - A Hooligans Game played by Gentlemen. 
Originally Posted by Headbanger
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