Your most embarrassing moments

[skidMark]

was sitting at lights next to a car full of boy racers....

was revving up my bike being a show off....it clicked into gear...i musta accidently hit the gear shift...

front flew up and spat me off the back i proceeded to run behind the bike holding onto the bars......ohhh the shame

being noted this was my first bike and i'd only had it a week...

[Karma]

Did you say showing off? on a pit bike?

[jonbuoy]

Looking back, I laugh now but when it was happening I couldn't beleive it. My only saving grace was that the lights were off in the plane as "most" people were asleep. The thing I didn't mention was how hard it was cleaning my pants in those stupid sinks with those stupid taps. It took forever. And as if this wasn't bad enough, as I stood there starkers from the waste down I realised that I still had poo on my legs which at this stage had started to set. Great.

I felt sorry for the cleaning crew.

Yeah theres just no getting that smell off, without a fire hose and bleach.

[inlinefour]

Back in the days when I was a deckhand on a commercial fishing boat. We had been working pretty hard for quite some time without a day off. The weather packed up and once we got the boat and ourselves cleaned up we had a wee game of the shortest straw. I lost and the other lads drove back to New Plymouth, leaving me in Onehunga port to look after the boat. Decided it would be a good idea to have a look around Auckland and went on a cruise around the place on the local bus system. Met quite a nice lass and we went out for dinner and had quite a few to many. Came back to the boat and since she had never shagged on a boat she got quite adventious. Tried alot and had a great time. Next morning she was going to go home and was going to eventually come back for some more. As she set off home and I saw her off the boat we was met will alot of applause from the others stuck in the neighbouring boats around us. Turns out we had put on quite a show for all to see as the wheel house had no curtians. She decided at that time I guess that she was rather embarassed and could not come back for more.

[Shaun]

We all can take off without wobbling around to much (I hope) as bike riders can, most of us can pull away from traffic lights without to much of a drama as well, even turning corners and stuff is possible if you're kinda capable?

Isle of man TT races, all the top Factory teams were there, Suzuki, Honda, Yamaha, it was the late 90's, so still really healthy over there, the course officualls let us out one at a time normally, this day there had been some drama on the road, so they decided to send us off 2 at a time, fine, Give it a handfull to pull away,( Piss off) and next thing I know I am doing a real wicked highside in front of all top teams mechanic,s sponsors, my road race heroes that I respect so much.

Nothing beats that grown up dude who reckons he shat his pants on a plane, has anyone here ever seen his id:

[Lazy7]

Well I had had my first bike for about 2 months.

And i was working on weekend and nobody was around. waiting for one of the servers to migrate before i could finish up me and my mate decided to play "silly buggers" on our bikes in the undercover garage at the office.

now i dont condone this sort of behaviour but we were inside, not visible by the public and obviously off the road so thought i was safe enough to try one of those burnout things i'd heard so much about.

My mate on his FXR was trying his best but couldn't get it into second for any decent smoke.

So i gave it a go. and being my first time i had no idea what i was doing, so i gave it some herbs, dropped the clutch and away it went. i didn't think anything was actually happening, was paying too much attention to the revs and the front brake.

but i took a second to look up and saw my mate had stopped his bike and was waving frantically at me to stop with a shocked look on his face. so i did... and looked behind me.

the cloud of smoke was EMMENSE! and for a split second i thought... "heh, koool!"

then it struck me. Smoke detectors. fuck.

and thats when you get that sinking feeling in your stomach, like you know you've fucked up and any second now the impending doom is going to strike.

i jumped of the bike and ran for the garage doors. they were big hindged fuckers and i started waiving them back and forward trying to get some air flow going. the smoke started slowly wafting outside and i thought. fuck i might be okay here. please please please.

fuck

waaaa waaaa waaaa - off the fucken thing went. loud as a bastard. two seconds later the phone went. it was the boss. he said the smoke alarm was going off and did i know anything about it? well um. er. um. what could i say?

and then another 30 seconds passed and i heard some new sirens... coming down the road.

4 fucken fire trucks turned up. there was about 20 dudes who ran inside. up and down the stairs trying to make sure nobody was in the building and getting burned alive.

they finally found me, saw the bike and the big pile of rubber, gave me a really dirty look and left. poor bastard were probably in the middle of dinner too!

you cant really feel worse than this. or so i thought.

till i turned up on monday and had a "sit down" with the boss.

the cost of a false alarm is $400 per fire truck and then the guys from wormwald had to come in and reset all the alarms. another $300.

worst. day. of. my life. ever.

[c4.]

Big long one.
Watch for the boxer shorts.
Written to brother of mate describing trip to sciliy.
excuse any clloquelisims (sp).
Kia ora old man. Happybirthday!!!
Thought I`d send you a story in lieu of a gift.
Holiday has been awesome. 5 weeks of not working is great when its planned, and not because noone wants to hire your sorry ass.
We went to greece first, Milos, and Santorini. Fucking outstanding! The story though starts with the arrival of the young one.
Gobbins had arrived a week earlier,than your little bro. when we flew into palermo in sicily, Gobbins led us thru town in a rental he had to drop off(we were in our own). My first intro to italian driving!!!!!???????!!!!! Fuck me, it was just like being stuck inside a playstation game. But with only one life.
Spent a week in cefalu with gobbins, all the usual hangovers. However just like a shark behind the breakers we knew we had to grunt up for the arrival of Rara on friday, gulp.
My phone started ringing from 1200, his plane was delayed. Revise dinner plans, sick of pizza anyway, down to super market to buy 1/2 a cow, 8 bottles of wine ,a mini keg that looked like us, and 8 large bottles of Kronenburg, ready now. Bbq it is. 1800 phone rings, needs directions, but has found beer as driving aid.
1930..... Game on, full throttle, not even going to try to count bottles in the morn, but only 4 beers left in fridge in morn(had been hiding under food.)
Huge heads in the morning, had to clean up to move from villa in cefalu, to villa in roocalemura(220 kms).
Roger takes one look at housework, and declares that he has to go back to palermo to look for a friend on a boat.
Grabs beer(heinekin) throws it down his throat(0830) pressgangs gobbins who followed suit with large bottle (kronenburg...Grande), steals our only decent map of the place, and says siyuu.
Clean up, depart there bout 1030,
Drive 100kms or so, 1/2 wayish, have lunch and hit the autostrade again.
Phone starts ringing bout 1400, very pissed boys abusing me hard on other end.(should say at this point that we didn`t actually know where the villa was, some thing to do with mafiosa, villa owners wouldn't give address, but insisted on meeting us and escorting us to villa.) try to explain to 2 very drunk men this subtlety, ha.
Anyway tell them to have a swim or something, and once I find the place, I'll ring them.
Meet Antonio, the son of villa owner, and highspeed chase him down 1 lane road with opposing traffic, and we arrive at the 16th century villa!!!!!!!
As soon as we drive thru the gate arch and past the stables, into the courtyard, I realise that the place might be a wee bit flash.
Meet the rest of the family, near as I can tell,polly and julius own the villa, live in one wing, antonio and his wife live in another wing, 2 more children and spouses live above antonios wing, servants(approx 4-6) live down by stables, and one wing is made availiable to guests(us).
Walk into grande villa, owners have NO english at all, antonio has basic skills, talks better than he understands.
Our wing is fucking flash man. 5 bed rooms, 2 bathrooms,kitchen/dining, formal dining, lounge, formal lounge, and we may use the billiards room whenever we like. Add to this that the whole place is FULLY decked out like a museum,fully painted ceilings, amazing old paintings, furniture,antique glassware, crockery, all out on side boads,tables etc. (can you imagine how display case everything was?)((can you imagine what I thought might happen when gobbins and rara blew into town?)).
So, trying not to freak, nan and I decide to retire to the pool area(which is basically a small park, with an elevated veiw of the ocean, a pool, a bbq that could feed an army of abbotts, and a meandering path thru big palm trees and gardens), to give the kids a swim.
Phone rings bout 1500." Where the fuck are you?" slurs gobbins down the phone. With a sinking feeling I tell him where we are and assertain that they are 15mins away....yay!
20 mins later no boyz.

[c4.]

2nd post
I ph them this time.
Gobbins is sounding quite a lot more sober. "we ve got a bit of trouble here"...
Background sounds....
(roger)"fuck he s not happy, fuck,fuck,fuck"
(gobbins)"rogers hit a truck, and the drivers not very happy, he s chasing us!!"
(roger) "right fuck you, lets see what your problem is"
Car door
(roger)"quick pass me some thing heavy to hit him with gobbins."
Sounds of card board tearing
(gobbins)"here you go"(later research prooves item to be full bottle of Moet)
Car door
(roger)"he didn't want to play"
Anyway get a little more of running dialogue from G but as this call is going from sicily back to NZ back to france then on to Sicily, the call is very echoy, and very very expensive, so I say call me when you lose him, and hang up.
15 mins later phone rings
5 knots I roar down the phone.
Very meek Gobbins voice " I'm afraid we ve got a big problem now. Rogers been arressted, and he's being done for DIC."
So we decide that Gobbins will hang at the carbineira station till he finds out what s happening.
15 mins later ph goes...
(roger)"Waz get here right now, right now, I'm free to go but you have to be sober, and you have to hurry!!!"
(me) OK, where are you?"
Stunned silience
(roger)" aah, aah, aah, good question.
(over his shoulder to cop)" HEY. WHERE ARE WE?"
Cop tells him, he tells me, I remind him that he stole our good map this morning, he points out that he can t help coz gobbins threw the map out the window after he got sick of the navigating abuse.
Eventually find the place(its not even on the pathetic map we've got),boys are sitting in car, gobbins had been to supermarket for more beer, managed to drink thru most of rogers ordeal.
Roger is hopping from foot to foot anxious to get the fuck out of there.( you'll have to get full truck driver police story from them for all the colourful details, but seems he made it hard enough that the policeman gave him a big growling instead of having to do lots of messy paperwork)
Nanette goes in with him to get his keys and licence back and we all head home.
Boys (who have taken no solids at all in the day) roll into the villa in post adrenalin high accentuated by shitloads of beer. Walk into big welcoming committee, slur their way through that, tour of the place, then its time for a drink.
Much hilarirty and imbibing on debrief,
Time for lumps. NO DRIVING, as we've all been drinking now. Have to walk 300m DOWN hill to town. Walk around town for 15 mins looking for food, during which time Roger manages to purchase a pellet pistol of reasonably realish proportions.
Finally find suitable pizzeria, only they don't have any wine.
(roger)" that s ok, they sell cocktails!"
Several Margehritas, and some token pizza mauling, later we have a deal.
I have to drag the boyz away from nice little family resturant as they are now neither nice nor family now themselves. Walk back thru town and arrive at the bottom of 300m hill. Fuck its a bit bigger/steeper with skinful of piss and no antigrav. Roger and I start
Racing up hill shoulder to shoulder, shout from Nanette 100m behind"you'll have to help gobbins, he's fallen over back there!"
Fuck,Fuck,Fuck. Gobbins is right at the bottom of the hill and I'm 200m up it!
Back down to gobbins. He's SOUND a sleeeeeep. Look up hill, everyone else gone. Wake up! Wake up!.....nothing.
Stand him up(considerable effort on my part, as he is now pushing hard for fatboy status). Bad idea, gobbins seems to have discovered exactly the right proportions and mixtures of alcohol, that can dissolve all of a mans muscle into jellylike substances. Face plant swiftly follows elevation exercise.
Looks like one fat barstard is going to have to carry an equal or greater fat barstard up a fucking hill!!
Firemans lift proves simaliar to trying to carry85kgs of waterbomb over shoulder! Luckily discomfort of position brings him semi round. Manage to frog march, carry and cajole him home(sober in morning, couldn't believe a/ how fucking far I carried the cunt
B/ why i didn't just go and get the car.)
At home, bit miffed that roger didn t help get him home, but roger is not there.
Hasn't been there. Oh fuck, i decide he must have fallen asleep on side of road too, so armed with torch, and leaving nanette to clean and dress gobbins grazes( you can't manhandle that much flesh with out some collateral damage.)
I head out back DOWN the fucking hill again.I search both sides of the road, right down to where gobbins was, and right back UP again.
No roger.
We decide that he has slipped back into town to chase women and beer again(he really didn't want to stop when I dragged him away from drinking margehritas, and sexually harassing the cute waitress at the family resturant), so FUCK HIM we say, he's a big boy, and if he's not scared of those 2 groups of thugs who gave us all the evils as we walked thru their turf, then he probably will be fine.
Big day must sleep. Lights off 2300.
2345 bang bang bang on front door of villa.
Get to front door(wearing only holiest boxers)
Whole extended family on front steps in various range of nightdress(though noone else had only old boxers)
There's roger with 3 police men who found him in the back of an ambulance, who found him asleep on the road. Huge hubub in italian ensues. Police want to see rogers passport, rogers had enough of police, is refusing.Police demanding details from owner of villa(european law states that you must have the passport details of any one who is staying in your establishment). She hasn't of course, so they are berating her, she is all flustered and no one speaks english. Finally agree to give all passport dteails in morning, and everyone calms down. Last thing before police leave, they solemly hand Nanette rogers air pistol and ammunition.
Roger now has several policemen who acknowledge him when they see him.
We apologize in our best phrasebook itailian the next day, but they were completly unphased (I guess that's small drama when you're mafiosa) and insisted that we were guests of honour at the miss italiana show which they were hosting around the pool area that night(35 girls, 350 guests, free booze....no poor folks, aint life grand?
Any way, rest of the week has been awesome, though would have been great to see you here. Guess we'll get a lemonade and a chat later in the year.
Happy birthday old man.
Waz and the gang

[terbang]

Took a contract in Indonesia and the company that I was working for had just built a brand new hangar at Halim airport in Jakarta. It was an impressive sight with all the mod cons. Jakarta is predominantly a Muslim city for which I was new to. I had been there a few weeks and had noticed that in the mens toilet the urinal was a strange sort of a trough that needed manual flushing. I had got used to all the praying and so on a regular basis but was unfamiliar with the ritual. Anyway one day, whilst standing there midstream having a piss, I was interupted by the arrival of a very shocked and distraught Indon who advised me that that I was pissing into the bath that they cleansed their feet in prior to prayer..!

Back when I was 23 I had a romantic weekend in Venice Italy with the (then) new love of my life. Forked out for a nice hotel to make a good impression. The hotel toilet was one of those typical european jobs with a Bede and no loo paper. I had never used one of those things before though I knew what it was for. After # 2's were done I promptly straddled the bede and trained this jet of warm water onto my ring and let it do its supposed thing. After the strange sensation of having warm water blasting my asshole and procedure complete (so I thought) I was left with the uncomfortable sensation of a dripping wet ass that was rapidly cooling by the second. A quick scan around the bath room and I found the nearest towel to dry off my butt hole. Problem is, as I was about to discover, a jet of warm water aint good enough to make a squeaky clean job of it and now the loverly big fluffy towel that I was supposed to share with my new girlfriend looked like the runway touchdown zone at any international airport. Now you try to restore a nice big fluffy towel to its former glory in a few mins after wiping your ass with it and with nowhere to hide.. Though I did manage to avoid being caught (by her) for leaving skids on the hotel towells by managing to drop it out of the window into the alley below (out of sight out of mind). She was obviously suspicious of my strange behaviour and the disapperance of one of the towels and asked a lot of difficult questions adding to my (very private) embarrasement.

[Maha]

c4 you need a publisher/editor or learn short hand.............

[krash69]

And.............. took the yammy down the road for some beauty shots, could have sworn i kick the side stand until i noticed that when i got off the bike followed me to the ground, guess the people in the shop accross the road would have come to my aid once they picked themselves up off the floor from laughing

i no the feeling....years ago i did pretty much the same thing in a gas station....hehehe

[kro]

I was interupted by the arrival of a very shocked and distraught Indon who advised me that that I was pissing into the bath that they cleansed their feet in prior to prayer..!

Its funny, but not to the poor Muslims, haha, you're a lucky man. Had to chuckle reading that one.

a jet of warm water aint good enough to make a squeaky clean job of it and now the loverly big fluffy towel that I was supposed to share with my new girlfriend looked like the runway touchdown zone at any international airport.

Bahahahaha, very nicely written.

[Kendog]

Was about 16, we all know how easily embarassed you are at that age, went to McD's with my mum. Up to the counter, spunky young thing serves us, mum says to me,'what do you want' and I reply 'a big mic please'. Mum cracks up, the dude smiles and I slink away with a red face. My mum gets to the table and says to me, 'lucky I didn't want a fillet of fish and ask for a fishy mic burger.'
Mrs KD.

[T.W.R]

Back in the early 90s i drove tractors for a local agricultural contractor and during the height of the baling season my tractor (970 case) had to go in for a service and we'd been loaned a replacement (1694 case)while this was happening.

I was out on a job south of Ashburton and had been having a shit of a job baling up a barley straw paddock, as the header had had its choppers wound right up, anyway managed to finish the job but way behind schedule, upon leaving the farm the boss called over the RT asking where i was at & that the 970 was ready for pick up and that the company who did our services needed the 1694 back as it was due to head to a feild/demo day and needed to be prepped for that.

As per usual i pulled up outside the farm & did a quick grease of the baler & general check. So upon finishing that I took off heading back to ashvagas, 10mins down the road, boss was back on the RT saying that a large job we'd been waiting to come fit had called saying ready to go, so it was going to be looking like another 24hr + shift & that i should start sorting all the gear to transfered over to our tractor ( monitor, tools etc in the cab) so here i am in tractor with baler on the back full noise (45kmh) heading down the road with my head down un-hooking bits & stacking stuff at the door. ( now the 1694 being permanent 4wd followed the camber of the road quiet badly) blasting down the road around a couple of bends to a nice long stretch i started hauling so gear over from behind the seat, next thing i feel the tractor heading off the road, spin around in time to see a powerpole no more than 10ft in front of tractor, baler & me shit fark !!! full noise into pole, snap it off at knee height tractor left straddling stump, pole over bonnet, transformer leaking fluid over tractor, live wires arking out over road, rear window smashed shut into a million bits, PTO shaft snapped clean off at gearbox housing.

Took power out in the area for 4hrs during the height of a big cricket match on tv, did $3000 damage for pole & transformer, $5000 damage to tractor. Got a court appearance for (get this : dangerous use of a motorvehicle ) $400 fines & ordered to do a defensive driving course. and the glory of being plastered in the local rag for the incident

Worst thing was didn't get a break from the work, once cleared from the crash site had to carry on a usual & into what ended up a 27hrs work straight & part of a stretch of 7wks without a break.

[nudemetalz]

ya wally, Bill !!!!