Fireman Sex
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!"
Petroleum Jelly
One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
"Hello," he starts, "I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"
"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.
The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in."
Control Over Wives
Three mates are down the pub. Bill and Joe are arguing about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke, Fred, says nothing.
After a while, Bill turns to Fred and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control have you got?"
"I'll tell you," Fred replies. "Just the other night my missus came crawling to me on her hands and knees."
The other two were absolutely amazed. "What happened then?", Joe asked.
"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!!!".
3 Honeymoon Nights
Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming.
The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night."
She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing. "That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself.
Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises.
"Well Mom," she replied, "you always said if it hurt I should scream."
"You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.
"Now why were you laughing?" she asked.
"You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered.
"True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.
"Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
"Mom, don't you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full."
Indian Ride
A young woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American
Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-"
so loud that it echoed off the
surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he
yelled a final "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!" and rode
off.
"Why was that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "I don't know. I just rode behind him
on the horse with my arms around his
waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered.
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
Cold Hands
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says,“'Honey, my hands are freezing!” She says, “Well put them between my thighs and that will warm them up.”
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! My hands are really freezing!” She says again, “Well. put them between my thighs and warm them up again.” He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once again, “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing.” She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?”
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