Self-inflicted death

[Bangbug]

Heavy, heavy heavy.
I quite like those ads on mental illness on TV. 1 in 5 nzrs suffer from a mental illness (or is it disorder?).
Keep it out in the open and they are nice upbeat ads really.
I like the coalminer one....... kev? ron? larry? something manly.
Good on the buggers for getting on TV, very nice and brave of them.
I think all of use in some way have a mental illness, its just that the symptoms are varied. perhaps that mental illness is life and the killer robots will soon come and clense us of our burdon.

[MikeyG]

Good on you Alarumba for having the balls to say how you feel.

I've had a problem with depression for 5 years or more, I haven't attempted suicide yet but I've had it planned out a few times. I agree with the people on the site that have said "unless you have been there you cannot understand"

Some people say get help and sort yourself out. It isn't that easy! I've been on various anti-depressants for years. Prozac/fluoxetine makes me feel hollow and emotionless up to the point where I want to cut myself just to feel something. Citalopram stops me from sleeping so I have to take sleeping pills every night and I end up getting totally screwed up chemically, and it stops my family jewels from working and that fucks with my ego. Tricyclics make me put on weight and that depresses me more. Counselling makes me think about and talk about my issues but doesn't help sort them out, it just makes me dwell on them more.

I've got to the point now where I'm so fed up with the side-effects of the meds that I've talked to the doctor and stopped taking them. I have days when it all seems too much and I wish I was dead or want to kill myself but luckily I have three good flatmates and a couple of workmates who I've told what's going on and who look-out for me.

So hopefully I'll handle things without the pills for a while. Anyway, I've got a new anti-depressant and it's got two wheels.

[inlinefour]

Known a few that succeeded, met plenty that have not. Know what to do to keep them safe when they are in the acute phase and how to link them up to the right people, once they are safe. Can't say I've ever had the thoughts or the want to do it either. Read plenty of the so called theory though. I really enjoy getting someone through the acute phase, provided that the stressors are started to be resolved or delt with once the individual is in a space to accept the help from others.

[hXc]

Well guys, this thread has certainly brought out a lot of emotion for me. I'm sure it has for others too, judging by the posts.

After my friend killed himself last year, I've had a different view on suicide. Beforehand, I thought that anyone who does it is a complete fuck who has a lot of problems and just wants the easy way out. Now, I see it like Str8 Jacket and other people who have attempted it.

It was unreal for me when I first got told at interval by a friend that Meeckal had killed himself. I didn't believe it at all. I thought that it was just a sick, sad joke. We went off to class and our dean came in, telling us how angry he was about some sick rumours going around. He told us to all grow up! At that point I started to think, "Something doesn't feel right." I then stopped what I was doing and looked out the window. What I saw, literally made me fall off my chair. I saw Meeckal in the sky, with the rope around his neck. At that point I realised that it was no joke.

The same dean came in 2 minutes later and told us to get our stuff and go to the hall. I needed help to walk even that far. At this point I was not crying, but feeling so empty it was un-imaginable. Our principal told our class first. That was when it became so real I just went completely blank and started to cry. I had so many people around me; hugging me, talking to me etc. Everybody was so supportive of me and my other mate Anton. We were Meeckal's best mates and it was so unbeleivably hard for us.

I don't think that anyone who has ever felt that emptiness before can imagine how hard it is. I felt like that for a whole week. I still feel empty and I still cry. I still get angry at the littlest, most stupid things. What I have experienced will be with me for the rest of my life. What I continue to feel will be with me for the rest of my life.

Writing this made me almost cry. I'm shaking right now. Nobody deserves to feel that way. And I mean that. No matter how bad they are, it's something nobody should have to go through.

At 15, it was the hardest thing in my life I have ever had to deal with. And I hope that it never happens again. A lot of what I have just written is the first time anybody will hear about it, even my parents. Whom I have a lot of respect for. I feel it's brought us closer together in a lot of ways. The support they gave me: If I wanted to yell and bash things, they would let me; If I wanted to be left alone, they would leave me alone; If I wanted a hug, they would hug me.

Things will always remind me of Meeckal and I have to accept that. I also have to accept the fact that he will never come back. It took me 4-5 months to go back to his grave. And I have only been back once. The truth is, I hate it up there. All the green grass and happy flowers are completely un-true to the way I feel up there. Everything goes black and I could sit there for an hour and not realise, thinking that it's only been 5 minutes.

Well I feel I've said enough. But if you do know anyone contemplating suicide, just be there for them and do ANYTHING you can to stop them. It's a horrible thing to deal with. Although it may have matured me, it's left a big black hole in my heart which will never, ever be fixed.

[Coyote]

I don't want to make anyone feel that way, that's the main reason why I haven't taken my own life. But to many people they would feel so down about themselves that they wouldn't take this into consideration. I've been like this too. You feel like you don't matter and when you do take your own life you'll be lucky if they even bury you. Most of the time I've felt like I don't even exist anyway so why would it be a problem if I ended my suffering? When I think clearly about everything I realise how ridiculous it is to think my life is so bad because I could be a hell of a lot worse off. But as I learnt in Phys Ed last year, depression is a mental illness, not a self infliction as such. So really anyone that has depression will be able to make their life seem horrible anyway, despite being very well off. I can look at my life and realise I'm pretty smart (the last thing I want to do is get big headed, but I'm trying to prove a point), I have very nice parents who are together, my family is by no means rich but we're fairly well off, my parents have been really supportive getting me into bikes and I have some very good friends. But you just don't think about that when you're depressed. You think well I'm not that smart if I can get depressed over such small things, my parents are overly protective and don't let me go to parties and such, my bike is like a 5th of the cost of my brothers and 10x less money goes into running it and I'm not very good at being social. These thoughts are all very stupid and selfish but it's like you can't help thinking such shit.

[hXc]

... ... ...

I know exactly what you mean. I have been through the "Everybody hates me and my life sucks" stage. It truly is how you say it though. And a lot of people don't realise that.

Meeckal got diagnosed(sp?) with depression a week before he killed himself. The doctor rang his mum the next day wanting to tell her that he had counselling and all that sort of stuff organised and available. She just said, "Too fucking late now! He's dead 'cause you were on fucking holiday." She then hung up.

Depression is an illness that doesn't only make you pessimistic about life, it plays with your mind and it makes you think that way. All because after a while, you get used to thinking that way.

[hXc]

A thing that his mum said to all of us was: "If you're ever feeling depressed or just wanting to talk about things, then ring me. I know what it's like and I may be able to help. We did all we could for Meeckal, but unfortunately it didn't happen fast enough. I don't know many of you, but I know that all of your parents love you and I don't want to see any other parent go through what I am going through right now."

That has stuck with me since that day. So please, anybody thinking about it...Don't do it. You are loved and you are cared about. It's all I can really say.

[RiderInBlack]

Well I'm really proud of ya all here. Ya have handle this thread well. For those of ya that have or are battling with depression, ya are not alone. I too have come close ta ending my life when I was 30. What can I say, I felt that there was nothing in life for me. For me, empowering myself and choosing ta see a councillor "saved" my life. Sure there are still times that I feel worthless in life, but now I know that that is not true. Every living thing no matter how big or how small as a part to play in life. Ya don't need ta be the Queen, a Rock Star, or an All-black ta be a very import person to the very special people in ya life (some you will not even don't know exist). Everyone here on this site (yes even the ones that fu*k me off now and again) I will miss if something was ta happen to them. Everyone of you make KB what it is, something that is way more than just a web site about bikes

[ajturbo]

i have lost (?) 4 mate's to this..... and i felt the pain of their loved one's like it was my own. BUT i didn't feel any sorrow at the loss...(!? ?!).....and strange thing here... over the last few days i have been thinking about THE END,
the other night we (mud Boy and i ) went rabbit/possum shooting, luke being young, swung around with the shot gun and it went passed 3 of us at head hight... it was empty.. not the point i know, so i spat the dummy big time. but latter that night i started to think about could have happened... "what if".. and to be honest with ya's i really could see the up side, no more bills to pay, ... i could go on here, and you could reply .."but what about Mud Boy"?... his mum is still alive....and in a couple of years time he will be out on his own anyway... at his age i was on my own most of the time...
sure this sounds selffish, all about me, me ,me... but who, what else is there?..

sorry for the rave, i don't want to offend anyone here...just this is how i feel about it

[hXc]

I'd just like to thank Motoracer for starting this thread. It's made me see a side of some that I never knew existed and it's been an extremely 'sobering' read. I know for alarumba and myself, it took a lot of guts to post what we did. And I'm sure it would have been the same for others.

Thanks mate! Rep on the way.

[BuFfY]

I agree with the comment made about this thread being 'sobering' as mentioned by hXc. The people who have spoken up about their troubled times are very brave and such stories help the rest of us on here realise and be more aware of what is going through the mind of sufferers (both first hand and vicariously).

I did YellowRibbon at school... Was something I wanted to do as soon as I found out about it... but to be honest, it did nothing at all to help.

One thing I love to read is the chicken soup for the teenage soul and all the other ones in the series. I fully recommend them to anyone who was touched by this thread.

I know most of us have felt at some point in our lives... what the hell is the point?! Whether it is after the loss of someone close, a break up, stress from uni/work etc etc etc and some times we don't tell anyone it is effecting us... don't want to look weak or bring unwanted attention.... or even feel like noone cares anyway. And it is so hard when you are a teenager... you feel like the whole world is against you.

One thing I find horrible about suicide is that when they fail to kill themselves they feel even worse... like they can't even do that right. And talking about it takes time... bringing up the past is awful! Like it has been put in the past for a reason and bringing it up can bring them down further, it's a long road

[Andrew]

A question for those who have experienced depression. Have you ever walked around in the supermarket/whatever and have picked up on people who seem depressed. Could it be that those who are depressed are more "in tune" with, or can pick up more easily those suffering from the inside??

[surfchick]

thanks for this thread people-
compared with other places NZ has very disturbing suicide rates esp among males. lost an ex-boyfriend who killed himself with exhaust fumes. then i was in a black hole for a year or two after...

takes alot of guts to post up what some of you been through. respect.
xx

[Skyryder]

Was about to let this one ride. But have had a little experiance on the subject.

First of all there are no answers as to why someone commits suicide. For family and friends this is usually the first question that comes to mind 'Why' and this us not unreasonable. It is only human nature to look at ourselves and see if we could have done anything differently to prevent a suicide. But for those that have lost a loved one the sad fact is the answer dies too.

I have a nephew who hanged himself. I use the word have in the present tense as I still have this nephew. He is alive today in my memory as he was in real life. He 'is' someone who I 'clicked' with. He's a little zany with a sense of humour that was a little off beat. Talented in a way that 'is' never apreciated. One of lifes oddballs. I've stopped asking why many years ago. In time you realize 'why' is not important. It's the memory that counts.

For those of you who have either attempted or have thoughts in this direction
I can only say that even in the deepest depression remember "Life is a constant change. Nothing stays the same. In time things 'do' get better. It's hard to think positive when depressed believe me I know but it's not impossible.

Skyryder

[Edbear]

Because life just seems so grim, and there is no hope for the future. Hope (and looking forward to things) is what keeps us going. If you can't see things getting any better, and there is a real likelihood of them getting worse, it can become an overwhelming burden.
For me, I am constrained by love: I know several people (including my uncle and maybe my grandfather) who killed themselves, and love my family too much to inflict that pain on them. But... there are times that I feel like I'm too much of a burden to them and not being here would be easier on them once they'd got through the grieving process.

Do you see a pattern here, Viff? You've said an Uncle, poss Grandfather, your son tried twice? You feel this way? Are you getting help? HAs anything here helped? Sorry to single you out, but your posts rang a bell with me.