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Thread: The Man Rules

  1. #1
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    24th February 2006 - 13:53
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    The Man Rules

    1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

    2. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
    a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
    b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
    c. After wrecking your boss' car.
    d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
    e. When she is using her teeth

    3. Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
    eaten by his mates.

    4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
    of jail within 12 hours.

    5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
    limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

    6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
    Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

    7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
    man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly
    optional.

    8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
    weakest.

    9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may
    ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
    playing.

    10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
    her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
    flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

    11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're
    sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by atopless
    supermodel...and it's free.

    12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
    kick another bloke in the nuts.

    13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

    14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

    15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

    16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
    until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
    much as the other sports watchers.

    17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
    remain sober enough to fight.

    18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
    pizza, but not both.

    19. If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
    about his choice of beer.

    20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours,
    except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

    21. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting
    weights:
    a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
    b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
    c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

    22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
    Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
    almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

    23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on for
    longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the
    phone. Hang up if necessary.

    24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
    have carnal, drunken, wild monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling
    weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the
    discussion about what a big mistake it was.

    25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
    her to drive yours.

    26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green,
    orange or sky blue.

    27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
    Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a
    Playstation2. End of story.
    Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

  2. #2
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    23rd April 2004 - 19:16
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    lol, good laugh in there mate - should be in the jokes/humour section though!
    KiwiBitcher
    where opinion holds more weight than fact.

    It's better to not pass and know that you could have than to pass and find out that you can't. Wait for the straight.

  3. #3
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    23rd March 2006 - 12:15
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    Quote Originally Posted by gareth_d
    lol, good laugh in there mate - should be in the jokes/humour section though!
    This no joke!

  4. #4
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    24th February 2006 - 13:53
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    DOH!!! Was still half asleep.....
    Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

  5. #5
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    thats pretty good. Glad to see I have been following the rules correctly
    There is no dark side of the moon, really, as a matter of fact. Its all dark...

  6. #6
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    15th August 2005 - 12:00
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    I'm going to print those out and keep a copy on me at all times. This stuff should be made into a religion

    Gremlin says:
    I'll rely on my stunning good looks, to snare myself a traditional women, that cooks cleans, and is dynamite in bed
    Gremlin says:
    oh hell... I'm fucked

  7. #7
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    3rd March 2004 - 22:43
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    28 Self gratification is off limits and never to be discussed. You may call another man a wanker but never a masterbator.

    29 The biggist insult you can call a man is a girl. It's loss of friendship for life.

    30 If you can't tell jokes at the stag do, don't try. Just look what they did to Jesus.

    Skyryder
    Free Scott Watson.

  8. #8
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    4th January 2006 - 19:30
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    **Manisms!! REALLY FUNNY**

    Hope this isn't a repost.. just saw it somewhere while browsing, and thought it deserved to be on KB: *Has been modified slightly to incorporate the KB spirit

    1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

    2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
    (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
    (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
    *(c) After lowsiding the MV Augusta you were test riding..
    (d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
    (e) When she is using her teeth.

    3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

    4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

    5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

    6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

    7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

    8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

    9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

    10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

    11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

    12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

    13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

    14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

    15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

    16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

    17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

    18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

    19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

    20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

    21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
    a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
    b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
    c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

    22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

    23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

    24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

    *25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is never acceptable for her to ride your bike.

    26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. ****THOU SHALT NOT BUY A CAR. END OF STORY

    27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox 360. End of story.

    28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

    We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
    "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
    "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"
    There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there? -Clerks

  9. #9
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    30th November 2005 - 13:00
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    I did, in fact, laugh out loud...
    "No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."

  10. #10
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    4th January 2006 - 19:30
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fairlie
    I did, in fact, laugh out loud...
    me too.. especially on the "You're Next" line (at the end)
    There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there? -Clerks

  11. #11
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    29th March 2006 - 21:15
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    ....... ..............no comment..................... :slap:
    <span style=font-family: Century Gothic><font size=4><font color=DarkOrchid>Live and let live</font></font></span>

  12. #12
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    25th May 2004 - 23:04
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    Very funny, the bit about the umbrella is so true - have you EVER seen two guys sharing an umbrella?
    Yes, I am pedantic about spelling and grammar so get used to it!

  13. #13
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    10th September 2006 - 14:44
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    The International Rules of Manhood

    The International Rules of Manhood


    1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.


    2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

    (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
    (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
    (c) After wrecking your boss' car.
    (d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
    (e) When she is using her teeth.


    3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.


    4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.


    5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.


    6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.


    7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.


    8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.


    9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing


    10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.


    11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.


    12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.


    13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.


    14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.


    15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.


    16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.


    17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.


    18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.


    19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.


    20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.


    21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
    (a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
    (b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
    (c) Another set and we can hit the showers!


    22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.


    23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.


    24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.


    25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.



    26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.



    27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.



    28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.


    We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.


    "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"


    "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"




  14. #14
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    Oh you boys!!

    Come to think of it, I never have seen two men sharing an umbrella . . .
    Illuc ivi, illud feci.

    Buggrim, Buggrit.

  15. #15
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    I feel the word after GUTS and BALLS would be DIVORCE!


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