The 1 that got away...

[Joni]

Damn well said Fraser.... what you are today is a culmination of all the experiences from the past, so thank God for the past... I think

[onearmedbandit]

Exactly. It scares me to think that for one different choice I could've never met her. And to counter the arguement that maybe that one choice could've changed my life for the better, I'm confidant to say "I don't think so Tim."

[Macktheknife]

Good post Sudeep.
I too have had the "one's that got away" over the years, but like OAB, I dont regret it or feel any sadness over it. I am grateful for my life and my experiences both good and bad, because they have made me the man I am. The only things I have any regrets over are things I did NOT do, like trusting those who deserved it or taking the opportunity to help someone who may have needed help, or taking time to really enjoy a unique experience that would stay with me forever. Fortunately these are reasonably few in my life.
Most of us are more blessed than we realise, and are surrounded by great people who love us and support us, often without our acknowleging this. We also tend to judge ourselves too harshly for our own good.
Enjoy the life you have created and create the life you can enjoy.

[Macktheknife]

My wife and I have had rough moments in marriage, too, but we're still together and happier with each other now than ever after 29 years. I'm not trying to put myself above anyone or criticise anyone, just saying that for me I'm glad the way things have turned out and wouldn't trade for quids! Relationships are complex and difficult but love, commitment,empathy and a bit of humility can work wonders. Just my 2c.

Leading by example... good for you edbear. Especially good for your wife too. 29 years means you must have learned a thing or two ! big ups.

[trumpy]

The "one that got away" experiences (and there were a few) taught me how to recognise the one that wouldn't....and she hasn't, still together 29 years later. Had moments of wondering "what if..." but then you realise that "what is" is so much better. Had our moments (who hasn't) but, as others have said, the strength of the relationship is as much about the ability to work through those moments as it is about the good times.
And ain't kids great (except when theyr'e 14 going on 30)?!
Passed through that stage once so I guess I can tough it out one more time...the end result (now 20) has been worth every moment of angst. Wouldn't swap either of them for the world.

[Motoracer]

part of the problem is today that no one wants to work through the tough times. It appears to be more simpler to walk away, and that sad. Also alot of ppl today do not want the ties of a relationship, alot of pp just want to get laid.

It will be interesting in another 10yrs to see the society we are creating, & the number of lonely older ppl ..who might smile at their memories, but they will not keep them warm at nite or share in their lives

You are on to it! (already repped you) I have been guilty of taking the easy way out when things got tough as well... But mistakes are good for one thing and that is the oppertunity you get to learn from them. I think there are certain mistakes that are inevidable in life. If you belive that everything happens for a reason, then it makes complete sence for thoes mistakes to happen. That is because, they are just making you wiser and setting you up for becoming a better person and most probably having a better future.

IMHO, the kind of outlook you are talking about over "love life" in general is most commonly found amognst the younger people out there. Say from what ever age people start to the early stages of midlife. There'll be a time in just about everyone's life when they feel the lonelyness you are talking about and the need for companionship. That's when getting laid is not all that matters, and people basically "settle down". So in my theory, most people will eventually go back to their roots so to speak or go back to the old fashion ways to avoid the sad end result you have mentioned above.

Lucky you. Try being willing to take that bold step but just before you do you find she has other plans, then see if you still feel the same way.

Yes, exactly. Life has uncertainty, hiding in every corner as you go along. It really is a matter of wheather you are willing to take a chance or not. Kind of like gambling really..

Mind you buddy ... there are times when you are glad they did get away !! ... And trust me I know what I'm talking about there !!

Glad to see you're still in good form MR ...When are you coming down next ... give me some notice and I'll clear my sked !! ... and now that the kids are with their mum I have spare beds all over the place !!

OK I will trust you on that one.. Maybe you can share some stories over a beer or something sometime.

Last time I even bought the chocolate for your sneaky lil daugther (as I had promised last year lol). I didn't even know they were all overseas. So I just ate the cholcolate on my way home. lol I'll give you advance notice and I think it's sometime mid this month that'll be coming. Got a spare double bed for Loosebruce and his partner dss3 as well?

the fact they "got away" and you've gone through those experiences and continued to live on your own could perhaps make you a stronger individual rather than if you'd stuck with someone that may have been nice but not right for ya.

Agreed!

Unfortunately the Media is increasingly playing a major role in defining the "correct" ways of dealing with our emotions which more often than not is the "in-correct" way to go about it.

Fuckin A! That's one of the main points I was trying to indirectly potray in my post.

the only time i would think a little about it is the what ifs, if you never dated someone you wanted to... never had the guts to tell them you had feelings etc...

I guess that's the other kind of a situation where the same phrase "the one that got away" could be used and you are right. You can have regret then as well but the main point is to not have any regrets in life and realise that life's full of surprises. There will be a wonderfull new oppertunity elsewhere.

You're right Sudeep.
what's also very important IMHO is that FINDING a great partner is only half the story. You have to BE a great partner too, and sometimes the time isn't right for you (or me or all of us) to be that excellent partner.
Personally, i've found tying my chances of happiness totally to finding the "right" partner has bitten me in the arse.
just my experience.
good on you for sharing this stuff bud, us lads are generally pretty bad at talking this stuff through.

K

I can so fully relate and I know exaclty where you are coming from. Hence people always say, "if only I knew what I now know way back then". Then again, it's all about learning as you go along. You are very right and that's a very valid point!

I still kinda wish the one that got away hadn't, even though I'm now in a relationship that will last until the day I die. I still wonder whether if we had of done things differently would've helped or we missed an opportunity that would've changed things. But fact of life is that things went the way they did and given the choice of my current relationship and going back to the old one, I'd choose my current one everytime. My current one has aspects the old one didn't and vice versa, but the main things are my current partner trusts me without question, she doesn't try to change me or interfere in my interests. Those 3 are the main things we both have in common.
.............".

Thanks for your post. I love seeing different perspectives from differnt minds who have been through different experiences. It broadens my horison on how I see things. Thank you.

I with the 'one' now. I'm thankfull for all the ones that 'got away', I'm thankfull for my accident, I'm thankfull for my career, I'm thankfull for my upbringing. Why? Because without all those events happening, and in the particular order and fashion that they did, my life would've taken a different path. And I would have never met my future wife. She hates it when I say I'm glad I had my accident, but understands that without that event happening we would've never met.

Your view goes along with mine. I too am thankfull for everything. If I don't feel that way then like you, I try to find way to be thankfull for what I have. At the end of the day, every tiny sequence of events that have taken place in our lives have moulded us into who we are or in your case, the sequence of events lead to meet the woman of your dreams. Cheers!

Truer words were never said! Started our family young and while we had tough times I am as proud as could be of our three! We're blessed with a very close family! Missed out in the big career but my heart could burst when I watch my grown up children. Our eldest daughter presented us with our first Grandchild recently and our youngest gets married in July. Maybe I'm just big old softie but money just can't buy what we've got! My wife and I have had rough moments in marriage, too, but we're still together and happier with each other now than ever after 29 years. I'm not trying to put myself above anyone or criticise anyone, just saying that for me I'm glad the way things have turned out and wouldn't trade for quids! Relationships are complex and difficult but love, commitment,empathy and a bit of humility can work wonders. Just my 2c.

Good for you! It's always heart warming to hear stories like yours.

Good post Sudeep.
I too have had the "one's that got away" over the years, but like OAB, I dont regret it or feel any sadness over it. I am grateful for my life and my experiences both good and bad, because they have made me the man I am. The only things I have any regrets over are things I did NOT do, like trusting those who deserved it or taking the opportunity to help someone who may have needed help, or taking time to really enjoy a unique experience that would stay with me forever. Fortunately these are reasonably few in my life.
Most of us are more blessed than we realise, and are surrounded by great people who love us and support us, often without our acknowleging this. We also tend to judge ourselves too harshly for our own good.
Enjoy the life you have created and create the life you can enjoy.

You are on to it as well!

It's good to see I have so many like minded friends here. Thanks for all your posts.

[The_Dover]

They never get away..............

[onearmedbandit]

You got a stack of bodies in your basement too mate? What do you do about the smell? Doesn't bother me, but I think the wife suspects something...

[cowpoos]

You got a stack of bodies in your basement too mate? What do you do about the smell? Doesn't bother me, but I think the wife suspects something...

try large ammounts of salt and chloride of lime...

[chanceyy]

As for people getting old and being lonely, not all of them are people who go through relationships like they're only temporary. I can think of at least one person who is being held back by their desire to commit everything to one person but can't find the right one. With so many people passing in and out of relationships like they're a throw away item, it's increasingly harder to find that one person. But I know it'll happen and the one I'm thinking of won't be part of the old and lonely group.

My generation on will be growing lonelier than previous generations because many aren't sticking with relationships, but also without those relationships they aren't going to have children that they can look at in their old age and be proud of. It's a hell of a lot more common these days for people to be unmarried and child less into their 30's.

yes Mt there are a number of ppl who do go through relationships like they are only temporary, but its more of once bitten twice shy rather than not finding the right person, it seems to be a common thread among ppl around middle age or older, either set in their ways or refuse to open themselves up to go that route again. Trust being the number one issue.

As for unmarried and childless in their 30's .. that would have to be the exception than the rule. There are the vast majority of ppl who have kids from a previous relationship.

Case in Point go have a look on a dating site, the number of ppl who are looking for no ties, sexual relationship only just about out number those who do want a meaningful long term relationship (in all age groups). Also the ones who come as a package deal with children, just about outnumber those who do not have any kids. and that is fine after all kids do not ask to be born, and they need both their parents, no one has the right to interfere with that

[chanceyy]

I have been guilty of taking the easy way out when things got tough as well... But mistakes are good for one thing and that is the oppertunity you get to learn from them. I think there are certain mistakes that are inevidable in life. If you belive that everything happens for a reason, then it makes complete sence for thoes mistakes to happen. That is because, they are just making you wiser and setting you up for becoming a better person and most probably having a better future.

for sure Mistakes are great to learn from them, but how about those individuals who make the same mistake over & over, do they learn ??

I have never regretted any relationship I have been in either but I can honestly say after the last one, I too find I am going down the route of not trusting anyone to get too close, freinds only no problem, but that someone special .. no.

I realise that the ones who are supose to love you unconditionally have the ability to hurt you the most. ( & no I am not talking about the Ex here)

IMHO, the kind of outlook you are talking about over "love life" in general is most commonly found amognst the younger people out there. Say from what ever age people start to the early stages of midlife. There'll be a time in just about everyone's life when they feel the lonelyness you are talking about and the need for companionship. That's when getting laid is not all that matters, and people basically "settle down". So in my theory, most people will eventually go back to their roots so to speak or go back to the old fashion ways to avoid the sad end result you have mentioned above.

Actually I think you would be quite suprised try starting young to middle aged then older, it is not age related anymore. I know loneliness is a state of mind, but most one thing ppl miss is the closeness and being able to share the initmate closeness that a relationship enjoys.

But by the time they get back to the old fashioned ways and settle down, most ppl find that they are too set in their ways to allow anyone to invade their space. I had this discussion several times over the last few weeks, the age grouping 30-35 45-55 and over 60 .. so it does appear that the longer someone is alone the more they tend to stay that way. Several of the individuals who i have spoken to also indicate that they have come a long way, gained material things after their long term relationship ended and no way will they allow someone else to invade their space and share it....

again case in point, check out a dating site, the ones who are only looking to get laid, & do not want a relationship have no age barriers .. from young to elderly, & everything in between....

[chanceyy]

The "one that got away" experiences (and there were a few) taught me how to recognise the one that wouldn't....and she hasn't, still together 29 years later. Had moments of wondering "what if..." but then you realise that "what is" is so much better. Had our moments (who hasn't) but, as others have said, the strength of the relationship is as much about the ability to work through those moments as it is about the good times.
And ain't kids great (except when theyr'e 14 going on 30)?!
Passed through that stage once so I guess I can tough it out one more time...the end result (now 20) has been worth every moment of angst. Wouldn't swap either of them for the world.

Congratulations Trumpy ...

My parents tooo have been married over 50 yrs ..... would have loved to have the same track record, but things today are not like they were 25-50 yrs ago .. unfortunately ..

[Motoracer]

for sure Mistakes are great to learn from them, but how about those individuals who make the same mistake over & over, do they learn ??

I have never regretted any relationship I have been in either but I can honestly say after the last one, I too find I am going down the route of not trusting anyone to get too close, freinds only no problem, but that someone special .. no.

I realise that the ones who are supose to love you unconditionally have the ability to hurt you the most. ( & no I am not talking about the Ex here)

Actually I think you would be quite suprised try starting young to middle aged then older, it is not age related anymore. I know loneliness is a state of mind, but most one thing ppl miss is the closeness and being able to share the initmate closeness that a relationship enjoys.

But by the time they get back to the old fashioned ways and settle down, most ppl find that they are too set in their ways to allow anyone to invade their space. I had this discussion several times over the last few weeks, the age grouping 30-35 45-55 and over 60 .. so it does appear that the longer someone is alone the more they tend to stay that way. Several of the individuals who i have spoken to also indicate that they have come a long way, gained material things after their long term relationship ended and no way will they allow someone else to invade their space and share it....

again case in point, check out a dating site, the ones who are only looking to get laid, & do not want a relationship have no age barriers .. from young to elderly, & everything in between....

If they make the same mistakes over and over again with out learning, then they are down right stupid. Simple as that.

I know exactly about the power the one who is supposed to love you has over just how much they can hurt you when things go wrong. Another cliche "You always hurt the ones you love, the most". Maybe I haven't been burnt just that bad just yet (touching wood atm!) or I would just like to think I am naive. However I am still willing to get myself out there. I can be the tough dude and think I am indestructable and there are very few things in life that'll intimidate or pose as a threat to me. Letting yourself go completly and being intimate and open to your partner is one scary thing for sure (specially after some troubled past). You make yourself so vunerable and open to being hurt, no matter who you are (even if you are the President of USA or some big wresteler dude with big musceles). In return though, if you had good judgement in the first place, the right support from the right kind of a partner will make you stronger than you can ever be by yourself.

As far as the link between age - lonelyness goes. I'll take your word for it for now and see if it really is the case for myself later on. I am after all 22 and still young by most people's standards and by no means do I know it all.

Personally I so do not find the "only looking to get laid" option appealing. Personally I haven't "fu*ked" anyone as of yet. I have only made love to women that I have cared about. I know that's such a chick sort of a way of looking at it but... If I don't give a shit about someone, how can I make love to them? That'd be like acting or pretending to care about that someone... I can be very good at it but only when it's real. I can't even imagine what It'd be like if it was just some random hot girl. Actually I can imagine. It'd probably be like masturbating but it'll be with an actual girl and not the one in your imagination. Maybe I am boring for that and I'll openly admit it right now, I've only ever slept with 4 women in my life... For some, that might be embaracing to admit... But I don't give a shit what anyone thinks really...

A lot of my mates wonder why I don't take advantage of being single and young, by rooting the next thing I see. But it's just not in me and just like how drinking is commonly accepted as a social activity through out NZ. Some still choose not to drink and their choice is respected. Likewise, I actually choose to not have random sex because I can't understand the point. Also because of the fear of STI's but that's another matter. Although at the sametime, I only stand by my values because it's how I feel. By no means will I judge anyone else on what they do. A hot Russian mate of mine is actually a stripper in Show girls and she's pretty loose so to speak but I don't judge her for that cause she's still a very cool person to be around normally.

Like I said, most will probably think I am boring or a woosy metrosexual guy but simple fact is that, I REALLY can't stand for any bullshit of any kind. I live for real, when I'm on the bike or living life in general. If I can't be genuine, then what's the point of living a lie...

(Fuck, that's pretty full on... I was gonna delete it but Oh well, I'll post it anyway..)

[Edbear]

29 years means you must have learned a thing or two.

Yes Dear!

[trumpy]

If I don't give a shit about someone, how can I make love to them? That'd be like acting or pretending to care about that someone...

"Fu*king without love is just mutual masterbation"............graffiti Auckland University 1974.

Guilty as charged when young, but the truth of this has not changed with time or fashion.
Not saying don't do it (whole different debate) just recognise it for what it is.