I was once ...

[RiderInBlack]

Well put Colapop.

I too had to get "myself back" some years ago, but lucky for both of us we had no kids.

I still wonder what the cost has been, but I know I could not have stayed in that marriage without totally "loosing myself".

Although "it is so important to be loved and accepted just as you are, without wanting to change the other person'', this can be so hard to achieve. More often or not I find that there is a compromise as couples change slightly to better fit each others' Worlds. As long as this is done evenly and without being coerced or worse bullied, then IMHO that is OK.

One problem I feel I do have is that I often try too hard to fit in the other person's World (often they have not even asked that of me), and then feel sucky cause I feel that they are not trying to fit in mine (this has not always been true ether as they have often made more changes than I have truly been aware of).
For those of us that would say "Ar, but you should just be yourself", I would say that this is part of who I am, and thereby am "being myself".
For those that say "but you shouldn't have to change, or try changing the other person". Well I try not to change the other person (often they are not trying to change me ether), but it is inevitable that in any social interaction that those you are around will be changed by interacting with you as you will by them. This is more true in any relationship. In fact most of my best improvements have come about due to the women that I have had close relationships with. So as I see it, change is good as long as you or your partner are not making those changes an ultimatum.

[Colapop]

'Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind'

I do and don't feel compelled to "tell my story." I am by no means a complete man now and no doubt there'll be more trials that I'll create to mire myself in.
To the queries;
Yes, I am doing fine now. That was four years ago. No, I don't live in a shack in the woods (although a room at the funny farm was scarily close at one point).
I don't thank God or any other diety's - I had no divine help (not for lack of asking though.) I thank my kids for being my saviours, they'll never know how they saved my life - literally. No details but without them I wouldn't be here. Yes I see them regularly and hav watched them grow into really good people (so far). I envy them - they're intelligent, compassionate and have the courage to face life everyday. They're my hero's.

I applaude every single one of you. You've got something no-one else has - you're spirit. There are so many who lose that spirit and the will to carry on. So, I applaude you.

The story of me will have to wait for another time. It's been that sort of day today - one where a couple of things have snuck up and reminded me to stay grounded and keep my eyes on the prize - my kids.
Cheers
Col

[sugilite:Me]

Nice post Colapop,
A list of some of the animals that mate for life.
Gibbon apes, wolves, termites, coyotes, barn owls, beavers, bald eagles, golden eagles, condors, swans, brolga cranes, French angel fish, sandhill cranes, pigeons, prions (a seabird), red-tailed hawks, anglerfish, ospreys, prairie voles (a rodent), and black vultures.

This is my take on the question of fidelity and such. The above list of animals do this naturally. They don't sneak around parking it in the nearest available piece of fur.
Humans geneticly are not coded to be mate for life types, though a small percentage do stick to one partner. For every man cheating, there is a woman cheating along with him. Men get caught more because we don't have networks of friends to lie for us. It is also estimated that at least 10% of woman look outside of marriage to get pregnant as they want to do better gene pool wise than what their partner has to offer, and again, that is natural instinct to want to improve gene pool wise.

I believe that religion plays a big part in all this.
To me religion is more about power and control over the people, especially before the information age came along. They tend to set themselves up as go betweens between the relationship you may have with god, or what ever you choose to call the prime creator.
I believe that they (religions) took control of people by making up rules regarding sexuality.
It was a no brainer for them, make up a rule that goes against human natural instinct, and bingo, you have just created a shit load of guilt, and guilty people are so much easier to manipulate and control.
There are tribes in Africa that have no concept of mating for life and are very balanced communities.

I try to live in this world by my own rules as best I can within the framework of this reality. Thus, just because I believe the above does not mean I go around looking to park it in any pussy going. I'm not into causing pain on any level if at all possible.

I'm recently separated after 20 years, I'm lucky that my kids live right across the road from me, but that has not stopped my ex from using them as weapons, it hurts me that she does. She has also got very physicly violent against me right in front of them, she feels that that is fine and writes of any bad things she does against actions I took approx 9 years ago, though she conveniently forgets that she was up to her neck in that same situation. There is no reasoning with a pathological lier (A person that can tell a lie and truly believe it only minutes later)
So I'm just coping as best I can.
I'm not suffering from battered husband syndrome, I know full well I could take her head of with one punch, but I CHOOSE not too.
I too take responsibility for my actions 100%, but she does not, always wants to live in the past, so we could never have any hope of moving forward. That is sad.

Rant over.

[Oakie]

Good thought provoking posts everyone. Thanks for your openess and honesty. Helps me to put our quiet but generally happy relationship in perspective. (25 years married next Feb.)

I think you do need to make compromises in a relationship but to put it in business-speak ... a relationship should be a merger, not a takeover.

I wish you all happiness.

[MSTRS:Me]

,,,,,. They're my hero's.

....and you are their's....

[_Gina_]

Contemplative moments.

I am 6 years down the track of reclaiming myself and I am lucky to know what it is to find your best friend, soul mate and step father to my kids. Mine is a seriously twisted tale, and yeah I hurt like a bitch for many years (Go Alcohol) and the pain of not reacting to the subtle manipulation of my time with "our" children and taking the blame for all things generally.

And lets not forget the years of being judged by women who would have difficulty with me not having full time custody of the kids (read: what hideous thing did she do to not be able to have custody?) Actually the judgement of women was the one that cut deepest really.

Anyway, enough of me, good to hear things are well Col. Chin up and take the love and respect that your children no doubt have for you as a father and as a person.


Gina

[chanceyy]

to know what you want out of life and what you require to make you happy.

I realised after my first relationship ended and took several yrs out to understand myself. What qualitites i could live with, and making a promise to myself not to settle for anything less.

did i find that .. yes .. took almost 15 yrs .. but yes, i did find that relationship, for 5 yrs ... i do not have any regrets, just sadness that he walked with no reasons .. apart from what he knows, no information that i can process .. kinda like being in limbo .. but such is life ..

in some ways the insight you have provided makes me rethink things from his prospective ..

its really important to be true to yourself and only enter the relationships that are good for you and are an equal partnership. Problem is to trust again ...

kids are the most important grounding thing in your life when things go pear shaped .. if they get you through the darkest times its the biggest gift you have in your life

one can only take things one day at a time, and at times that can be by the hour or by the minute or by the second .. what ever it takes ...

do not compromise yourself in your journey ... good luck and thank you

[ManDownUnder]

Jesus - just came across this... bump bump bumpity bump!

[jrandom]