Noah's ark 2005
In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in
Auckland, New Zealand,as an illegal immigrant and said,
"Once again, the earth has become wicked
and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good
humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".
Noah was dubious about the project, because unending rain for 40 days
and 40 nights is normal in Auckland, but he knew he must bow to the will
of the Lord.
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his revered
quarter acre section....but no ark.
"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a
building consent from the council,. I've been arguing with the Fire Service about the need for a
sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the zoning laws by
building the Ark on my property and exceeding the height limitations. We then
had to go to Arbitration for a decision.
Then the electricity companies demanded a bond be posted for the future
costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be
coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. The Greens have placed a ban on cutting local timber
in order to save the Kiwi. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
needed the wood to save the birds. But no go!
When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As
well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and
inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Maori have forbidden the project to continue unless taniwha are permitted
on the Ark and indigenous tribes own half the Ark after I have designed and
built it. I also have to agree to pay $150 Billion for depriving Maori of
traditional lands by means of inundation, which they allege, is simply a case of "holy colonization".
I am bogged down in further negotiations on multimillion payments for
rights to sail the Ark on the seas of Aotearoa. Other Maori tribes have
sued me because they allege the Ark is a Pakeha version of the Maori canoe
and they have appealed to the Waitangi Tribunal to declare it tapu.
Then the Environmental Court ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until
they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on
how many Maori I'm supposed to hire for my building crew and the
requirement for separate female toilets in case I hire a woman. Also, the
trades unions say I can't use my sons.
They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience,and they expect a day in leiu
if we work weekends or public holidays plus holiday day pay and rain allowances.
OSH has decreed each employee must be equipped with a life jacket and
personal life raft even though we are building on the mountain. When I
pointed this out, they made me provide ice axes and climbing boots for each
employee and their families,and harnesses because I was working over 3 metres in height.
To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming
I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
At first the Labour government was in favour of my project because it
created building jobs on our mountain. Then they were shocked by an opinion poll which revealed that
99% of all New Zealanders opposed a devastating flood, and after an
emergency cabinet meeting, Helen Clark announced that Labour had never
favoured floods as a means of solving problems and was totally opposed to
the project (unless future opinion polls revealed popular support for the Ark).
She said "God should sit down and talk sensibly about the issues".
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish
this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched
across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean, You're not going to destroy the world?".
"No," said the Lord.
"The New Zealand Government beat me to it."
I am Jack's complete lack of remorse .
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