If the Ark was built in NZ

**Fishy** · 28th June 2006, 13:42

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Auckland, New Zealand as an illegal immigrant and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and overpopulated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans”.

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have six months to build the Ark before I will start with the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights”.

Noah was dubious about the project, because unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights is normal in Auckland, but he knew he must bow to the will of the Lord.

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his revered quarter acre section … but no Ark.

“Noah”, he roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”.

“Forgive me, Lord”, begged Noah. “But things have changed. I needed a building consent from the Council. I’ve been arguing with the Fire Service about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I’ve violated the zoning laws by building the Ark on my property and exceeding the height limitations. We then had to go to Arbitration for a decision.

Then the electricity companies demanded a bond to be posted for the future costs of moving overhead power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I argued the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. The Greens have placed a ban on cutting local timber in order to save the Kiwi. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the bird. But no go!

When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Maori have forbidden the project to continue unless taniwha are permitted on the Ark and indigenous tribes own half the Ark after I have designed and built it. I also have to agree to pay $150 billion for depriving Maori of traditional lands by inundation, which they allege, is simply a case of ‘holy colonisation’.

I am bogged down in further negotiations on multi-million payments for rights to sail the Ark on the seas of Aotearoa. Other Maori tribes have sued me because they allege the Ark is a Pakeha version of the Maori canoe and they have appealed to the Waitangi Tribunal to declare it tapu.

Then the Environment Court ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many Maori I’m supposed to hire for my building crew and the requirements for separate female toilets in case I hire a woman. Also, the trade unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience, and they expect a day in lieu if we work weekends or public holidays plus holiday pay and rain allowances. OSH has decreed each employee must be equipped with a life jacket and personal life raft even though we are building on the mountain. When I pointed this out, they made me provide ice axes and climbing boots for each employee and their families and harnesses because I was working over 3 metres in height.

To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

At first the Labour Government was in favour of my project because it created building jobs on our mountain. Then they were shocked by an opinion poll which revealed that 99% of all New Zealanders opposed a devastating flood, and after an emergency cabinet meeting, Helen Clark announced that Labour had never favoured floods as a means of solving problems and was totally opposed to the project (unless future opinion polls revealed popular support for the Ark).

She said, “God should sit down and talk sensibly about the issues”.

So forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark”.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean, you’re not going to destroy the world?”.
“No”, said the Lord, “The New Zealand Government beat me to it”.