My son's best mate took his own life last night

**Biohazard** · 6th August 2006, 22:22

Sorry to hear this, thoughts to his family and your son i bet he's devistated.

RIP

- Hope you have found your happiness now...

**RantyDave** · 6th August 2006, 22:24

It's caused by feeling that nothing is worthwhile, there's no point in doing anything and you might as well knock it all on the head now.

It does pass, but it doesn't feel like it will. But because it's depression and therefore a pansy's illness nobody talks about it. And I suspect it's killing off our youth at a hell of a rate (if anyone has/can get the numbers, I *am* interested).

Solutions are being able to actually talk to people; sunlight; good sleep; excercise; going on an SSRI if it's really quite bad; going to see a psychologist of some description; and doing tasks that enable your brain to get into a 'flow' state. In my case, doing anything at all usually does it, but something with a defined end point or clear goals does it best.

It's really simple and nobody needs to die. But as a society I believe we need to start being a bit more grown up about this.

My condolences to the family, and your son, obviously.

Dave

**Zapf** · 6th August 2006, 22:38

when our a country's youth see the work is such a shit place where everyone is fucking others over, it is that suprising that they no longer want to be a part of it?

If its peace they seek. They found peace.

RIP.

**DingDong** · 6th August 2006, 22:39

I lost two good friends (both 15+ year mates) this way, one was 22 years and the other 26 years.
I felt some anger and even a little betrayed that, I was there to help but wasnt asked... I would have went to the ends of the earth for these guys, and they knew it.

Theres nothing that will sober you up faster than seeing your mate in trouble... and your too fucken late to do anything about it.

If I see you guys again, I'm gonna bitch slap ya
I gave up try'n to understand why... but remember the good times.

**T.W.R** · 7th August 2006, 00:08

It's a devastating blow for those close, to try and fathom what circumstances drive someone to the point where they feel so isolated and alone they just give up.

I've lost friends & a family member by this means, 2 were young impressionable kids during the late 80s that wrapped themselves in the delusional world of gothic/hardcore punk bullshit. My uncle hung himself in a motel because of a marriage breakup. An old local here shot himself because he was told he was going to loose both legs & that would mean loosing his farm.

And only a matter of a couple of years ago a good close mate tried to gas himself in his car, luckily he was found by a passer by, so is still here but after time being assessed in the nutfactory and cocktail of prescribed meds etc is only half the person I grew up with.

It's a hard beast to workout, maybe it will never be understood fully. But it's so heartbreaking for those involved to be left asking why, a scar that takes a lifetime to heal.

Condolences to the kids family and the friends he left behind.

**Huntaway** · 7th August 2006, 01:09

Hey Meanie,

So sorry to read your post. There's been too many of these stories close to me too, and every one always cuts deep. RantyDave has given some good things to target, in particular:

nothing is worthwhile, there's no point in doing anything and you might as well knock it all on the head now.

I might add low self esteem and a reluctance to "be a bother" to that, which may be why DingDong's mates never did turn to him.

I would have went to the ends of the earth for these guys, and they knew it.

"Shocking" secrets like bent sexual orientation can be killers too. We all need to work hard to support, stroke, and encourage each other, especially our youth. My sincere condolences to the family and to you Meanie and your son. I know you will be looking out for him.

**candor** · 7th August 2006, 01:49

"What drives someone" - was that a rhetorical or not?

Well with teens some common themes. Grief about leaving school and fear of adulthood / uncertainty eg will I have such good friendships in future.
Masked depression (often they can appear fine and don't even know themselves that they are depressed (ie suffering low happy chemicals in brain). Teens ought to be told depression exists and is treatable. But the suicide subject is off the curriculum due to evidence that raising it can get teens trying it out more.

Then (if they're depressed or even just vulnerable as lack support) along comes a small or big thing to upset the teen and they (being too sensitive maybe due to depression) go right over the edge, get it all out of proportion and impulsively do it as just feeling so blown away / hopeless. Alcohol often triggers the impulsive ones who would have otherwise hung in there. As it reduces inhibitions and drops mood soon after use (not to mention hangovers).

Failure to communicate that they are in trouble can come from embarrassment as they may even realise their thoughts are "silly" or it may be they feel so hopeless they think no answer is possible so why bother. Its theorised NZ male suicides are high due to macho culture so if people are worried they are gay they might just decide thats not cool and so they best be going.

My brothers high school girlfriends brother did it at 19. Laughing depressive.
Suicide note showed his thinking realy off beam. Very negative without future. Thought (tho popular) that cos of a minor deformity no girl would want him. Also feeling like a spare wheel cos his mother was trying to push him to leave home. And he had a yuk lo paid job to save up for his education where the other staff ( a bunch of older Samoan woman) were giving him a hard time. In suicide note he thanked mum for a nice life - said it was no-one else just him, that he knew people would be upset but he was sure they'd be over it in a couple of years , and sorry but he just did not see that the future could measure up to the past! Clearly he was under too much pressure, had a few issues and just snapped oneday. He drove somewhere remote and did the carbon monoxide. Lovely guy too.n The class clown. As depressed ones often are.

**Marmoot** · 7th August 2006, 02:44

This is from first person's perspective a few years ago: I almost did it.
I almost cut my wrist, holding the knife in my hand. I almost crash my car to oncoming traffic. I contemplated on OD on sleeping pills.

It was triggered by a girl problem. But the real cause I find now (looking back) was not really that.
It was because I have no one that listens. I have people to talk to, yes I did. They hear me too. But they do not listen.

When I cry out my problems, I got advice. And if I did something wrong, they would say "maybe you shouldn't have done blablabla"
You know what? When I cry out, I actually only wants to be heard. Sometimes advice is not the best thing. Let me sort out my problem by myself, but please lend me some shoulder when I'm weak.

The thing that pulled me back was my brother. He was there for me, and times after times he kept mentioning how dear I was to him. I guess the feel of being needed can at times give purpose in life and a little gaze into one's future.

That's roughly how it was with me, I guess.

I'm just glad it's now far away behind me. And most of all, I'm glad I made it through alive.

I know this might not bring anybody back to life, but maybe we can learn to listen to each other and save some lives? If you have people around you, there is nothing wrong to show you appreciate them and need each other.

Condolences to the ones affected. Sad news indeed.

**Edbear** · 7th August 2006, 06:59

Condolences to all affected. It's a hard situation to cope with as is shown by the responses here. Depression is an insidious illness and not always easily seen. Those contemplating suicide are not thinking rationally, as posts here testify. It has been said that it it the ultimate expression of selfishness, and that is true, but for the fact that those contemplating it see it as the ultimate unselfish act, freeing their family and friends and the world of a burden - themselves. Either that or they simply don't believe they have any other choice out of an untenable situation.

Either way it is very sad and as parents we need to be keenly alert to the feelings of our teens. The emotional upheavals they go through as they grow and change can be very challenging for them and those caring for them. They feel emotions very strongly over relatively minor problems.

Be encouraged, parents, that while your teens may act rebelliously, or stubbornly - may insist you don't understand or know what you are talking about - deep down, they are generally proud of you as their parents and believe most of what you say, especially if you are showing them you love and care for them.

I have been surprised many years later, to learn how my own three children viewed us and at some of the things they took on board.

Never give up on your kids, fight like hell for them and spend as much time with them as you possibly can.

**APPLE** · 7th August 2006, 07:45

wot drives these kids to this?wot, are they to proud to ask for help?or do they simply get to breaking point,and just give up?there mind must be in turmoil.i dont know man,i have always wondered about this?isn't there like orgs,like fight 4life'' that can offer help.life is to precious to waste it on the end of a rope.......my condolences to his family and friends.

**avgas** · 7th August 2006, 08:13

Thats sad to hear. Sometimes there is too much space in these kids heads that is taken up by everyone else...there is no room left for them.
Hopefully there is a lesson here, not a dominoe effect.
My thoughts are with you man

**Meanie** · 7th August 2006, 08:41

Originally Posted by MattRSK

I feel a bit messed up about this. He is the same age as me, not sure if he lives around these parts. Chances are that I knew him. Sorry to hear about it. My heart goes out to the family.

Jared Clout was his name and yea he lived and worked in Palmerston North been here all his life, the only time he left was with us on holiday. He was right into his hockey and played for the rep team here
Thanks everyone for all you support, i am shocked to learn of so many people that have known someone close that has taken thier life and as Zapf said who wouldnt want to be a part of this awesome country ?

**Quartida** · 7th August 2006, 09:20

Originally Posted by APPLE

wot drives these kids to this?wot, are they to proud to ask for help?or do they simply get to breaking point,and just give up?there mind must be in turmoil.i dont know man,i have always wondered about this?isn't there like orgs,like fight 4life'' that can offer help.life is to precious to waste it on the end of a rope.......my condolences to his family and friends.

The problem is that I think some of these people feel so hopeless that even talking to someone seems like a hopeless watse of time.

Situations like this make me want to try to show people as much love as I possibly can...it is too awful to contemplate something like this happening and the best way I know to go about it is to try and be as supportive a person as possible to everyone I meet. These stories are all too common. My heart goes out to all those involved in this and other situations like it. Stay strong.

**MSTRS:Me** · 7th August 2006, 10:01

It is always shocking/upsetting to hear of this sort of thing. We can never really know why it happens - those who have 'been there' had their reasons at the time, but those reasons are different for everyone. That probably explains why it is so hard to pick those people who are likely to do this.
I hope your son is coping, Meanie - all you can do is be around him to support.