The Complete Military History Of France

**Bob** · 25th August 2006, 02:51

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a FrenchMAN."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador, but fails after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

Classic Quote: "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." -- Donald Rumsfeld

**Big Dave** · 25th August 2006, 02:59

They kicked an unarmed nuclear protester in the arse on the Princess Wharf once. Big win.

**Bob** · 25th August 2006, 03:26

... someone sent me a link to somewhere that corrects the glaring errors:

http://www.spacecityrock.com/2003_02...k-archive.html

Personally, I prefer the original, as it rips into the French...

**What?** · 25th August 2006, 06:27

Originally Posted by Bob

Personally, I prefer the original, as it rips into the French...

Yep - having built the Citroen, they deserve all the shit they get...

**Sniper** · 25th August 2006, 08:07

Thats the funniest thing Ive read all week

**SARGE** · 25th August 2006, 08:36

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks
it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
---Mark Twain

"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!"
---- Hannibal Lecter

While speaking to the Hoover Institution today, Secretary Donald Rumsfeld
was asked this question:
"Could you tell us why to date at least the Administration doesn't favor
direct talks with the North Korean government? After all, we're talking with
the French."
The Secretary smiled and replied:
"I'm not going there!"

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one
behind me."
--- General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
accordion."
--Norman Schwartzkopf

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
---- Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
---Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
---Rush Limbaugh,

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is
sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
--- Regis Philbin

There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together
in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went
through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in
the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise
and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel,
Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened
and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped
there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed
Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia
Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and
actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman
was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel
I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.'

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better,
on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in
Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than
sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know."
--- P.J O'Rourke (1989)

An old saying:
Raise your right hand if you like the French....
Raise both hands if you are French.

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the
1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the
face for it."
---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates
America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people."
--Conan O'Brien

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam
out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"
---Jay Leno

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris
under a German flag."
--David Letterman

REPLACEMENTS FOR THE FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM:
"Runaway" by Del Shannon,
"Walk Right In" by the Rooftop Singers,
"Everybody's Somebody's" Fool by Connie Francis,
"Running Scared" by Roy Orbison,
"I Really Don't Want to Know" by Tommy Edwards,
"Surrender" by Elvis Presley,
"Save It For Me" by The Four Seasons,
"Live and Let Die" by Wings,
"I'm Leaving It All Up To You" by Donny and Marie Osmond,
"What a Fool Believes" by the Doobie Brothers,
"Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin
"Raise Your Hands" by Jon Bon Jovi

Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.

**Lou Girardin** · 25th August 2006, 08:53

Without the French, you would probably speak with a Pommie accent, drink warm beer instead of cold gnats piss, know that there is a world outside of the continental US, would only need one anthem, wouldn't have lost so many fighting men in WW2 and Korea, would have won in Vietnam, brought peace to the Middle East, would make funny comedies (without laugh tracks). You'd all have bad teeth, but weigh a third less. You'd ridicule your politicians instead of worship them. You'd institutionalise George Dubya instead of elect him (twice!) You'd all understand irony. More people would like your country.
So why do you have the Statue of Liberty still in New York anyway?

**Ghost Lemur** · 25th August 2006, 08:56

That's funny Sarge.

Last nation "bashing" thread I read was against your homeland. I vaguely recall you getting all up in arms and accusing everyone of "Racism" against Americans.

Don't seem to have a problem dishing it out though.

**Sniper** · 25th August 2006, 09:09

Originally Posted by Ghost Lemur

That's funny Sarge.

Last nation "bashing" thread I read was against your homeland. I vaguely recall you getting all up in arms and accusing everyone of "Racism" against Americans.

Don't seem to have a problem dishing it out though.

Should he? I remember it was a double standards thread where people used the Americans as a punching bag with no idea of what they were talking about.

Besides, the french asked for it.

**SARGE** · 25th August 2006, 09:26