Rethink your Job

[spudchucka]

Ever have a day when you felt like this?

[What?]

Ever have a day when you felt like this?

Only on the days I go to work...

[Sniper]

What beer bellies are really for. Make sure you click on this one, he's really special.

Thats disgusting but funny

[MSTRS:Me]

Old baby photo of you?

Nah....I think it's WINJA doing his early version of being antisocial & obnoxious

[MSTRS:Me]

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put
into motion:
1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer whilst he deals with the situation.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, serviettes, sauces and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

[Sniper]

Haha, very good

[Skunk]

A guy and a gal meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

[MSTRS:Me]

People were sitting in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan
appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running
for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away
from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's
ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?", Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all
eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of
me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

[Skunk]

THE RAISE

I the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons;

I do physicallabour,

I work at great depths,

I plunge head first into everything I do,

I do not get weekends off – or public holidays,

I work in a damp environment,

I don’t get paid overtime,

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation

I work in high temperatures, and

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Yours truly,
Penis

*
THE REPLY

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons;

You do not work eight hours straight,

You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods,

You do not always follow orders of the management team,

You do not stay in your allocated position and sometimes visit other areas,

You do not take the initiative,

You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to stay working,

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift,

You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations,

Such as wearing the correct protective clothing,

You retire before you reach the age of 65,

You’re unable to work double shifts,

You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed a day’s work,

And if that were not all, you have been constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying two suspicious bags.

Sincerely,
The Bearded Clam

[Biff]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, which was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," She said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.

[MSTRS:Me]

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over,
she puts her nine year old son in the closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the
closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he was in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive",
but because of the position he was in agreed to the price.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears
a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her
little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds,acknowledging his dis-advantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your
ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear
the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the
church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the
father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the
curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.

[MSTRS:Me]

Notes from An Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Durban from the U.S.
"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back;
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all the beer.

Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice.Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds?
Savathree, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. b*tch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I f*rted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them!

>Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that sl*t Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

>Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a fcuking thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh*t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful .F**k it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.


Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?
FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

[Clockwork]

A nun knocks on mother superiors door. 'Come in' says mother superior. The nun nervously enters. Yes my child says MS what can I do for you?

Nun replies 'Oh mother, I have sinned awfully'

'Oh' says MS 'you had better sit down, now tell me, how have you sinned'

'well' said the nun 'I have used the most terrible language on the golf course'

'You had better tell me about it then' said the MS

The nun started 'It was on the 7th Tee. I set the ball up, took my driver and hit the ball as sweet as could be, it was good for 250 yards. However halfway into it's flight it struck a bird and fell straight to the ground.

'And that's when you swore? enquired MS.

'No' said the nun 'a squirrel ran out of the rough and picked the ball up and ran off with it'

'And that's when you swore' enquired the MS for the 2nd time.

'No' said the nun 'An eagle flying overhead looking for it's lunch, spotted the squirrel, swooped down and picked the squirrel up with the ball still in it's mouth'

'That must have been when you swore then' said MS

'No' said the nun 'The eagle flew over the green and the squirrel dropped the ball which landed 6" from the hole'

There was a moments silence, their eyes met and the MS said 'You missed the fu*king put didn't you?

[Sniper]

Hahaha, Thats good

[Sniper]

Whats brown and Sticky
































A stick