Rethink your Job

[White trash]

Pretend we've forgotten what day it is and go on as per every other normal day of the week

Yeah? Well?

Valentines takes it in the arse! It is just like every other day of the week because it IS just another day of the week.

[Slipstream]

Yeah? Well?

Valentines takes it in the arse! It is just like every other day of the week because it IS just another day of the week.

I actually agree with you on this...I think My birthday is the only day worth celebrating...Oh wait....I don't do that either...By process of elimination that makes every day worth celebrating

PARTY ON!!!!!!!!!!!!

[TonyB]

Was emailed this this morning. Maybe it's been round the world 50 times, but shit it made me laugh...

YOU ALL MUST READ BEFORE YOU OPEN THE PICTURE.
Don't you just love it when teachers' good intentions go amuck!!! An elementary school class started a class project to make a planter to take home to their parents. They wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so they decided to use cactus plants. The students were given green ware pottery planters in the shape of a clown which they painted with glaze. The clown planters were professionally fired at a class outing so they could see the process. It was great fun. They planted cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely but unfortunately the children were not allowed to take them home...the cactus plants were removed and small ivy replaced them and the children were then allowed to take them home instead. The teacher said cactus seemed like a good idea at the time!

[Sniper]

Hahaha, I fell off my chair

[White trash]

Nervously pacing up and down a hospital corridor, a man waits as his wife gives birth to their first child. After a long labour the doctor comes out and tells the man that he is the father of a baby boy. The man is overjoyed, and rushes in to his wife who smiles weakly and gives him the child. Overcome, the tearful father asks the midwife if there is anything he can do to help. Sensing that the dad wants to share in the occasion the midwife tells him to take the baby and bathe it next door.
After a few minutes the midwife pops in to see how the man is getting on. She jumps back in dismay when she sees what the new dad is doing. He has two fingers firmly lodged up the infant's nose and is dragging the child through the water in figure-of-eights. "Good God!" she shouts.
"That's not how to bathe a new-born!" "It bloody well is," the man replies, "when the water's this hot."

[vifferman]

Corpse springs to life in hearse, terrifies populace.

[ktulu]

haha, very witty vifferman,

Helen clark, Michael cullen and Tama iti jump off a cliff....

Who wins????

















Society

[vifferman]

haha, very witty vifferman

Unfortunately, much as I'd like to say I came up with it, I actually stole it from James Lileks' The Bleat.

[Sniper]

Corpse springs to life in hearse, terrifies populace.

Hahaha, fell off the chair again

[Skunk]

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society".

After the curator left, a Welshman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They're just three Welsh coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

[figjam]

http://www.dod.no/cgi-bin/squidtest

[HDTboy]

A bloke walks into a bar with his 2 mates and his sister. after a few drinks and a few hours of playing the pokies they decide its time to leave, the place was getting pretty empty anyway.

just as they are about to leave, the sister exclaims that she needs to use the bathroom, so while she heads to the little girls room, the boys start heading off to the car...

waiting around for about 20min they start to worry, they know girls take long in the bathroom, but this was rediculous... so the brother decides to head back inside. he arives back outside 5 min later, as white as a ghost... his mates ask whats happened...

"She's still inside... on top of the bar, tied up, and the bartender's got his head between her legs!"

"shit man! that's illegal! he can't get away with shit like that!"

"Let's sue the bastard for everything he's worth!"

the next month at the arranged court date, the procceding lasts all of 15min, with all charges desmissed...

Turns out the barman has a liquor liscence....

[HDTboy]

Mr & Mrs Nosey had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love he always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw he was holding a battery-operated pleasure
device... a vibrator! It was soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

Nosey looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids...

[HDTboy]

Airplane passengers watch nervously as two men wearing pilots' uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit. The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears. With only a few yards left, everyone screams, but the plane lifts off just in time. The passengers think it was all a joke, while in the cockpit, the pilots high five.

"You know," says one pilot to the other, "one day their gonna scream too late, and we're gonna die."

[HDTboy]

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

-------------------------

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife