Rethink your Job

[HDTboy]

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left.Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

[HDTboy]

This guy wanted to go out and get pissed with his mates but his wife wouldn't let him.
He pleaded with her but her responce was "remember what happened last time, you spewed all over yourself and ruined a perfectly good shirt."

After about 15 mins of begging she finally allowed him to go but insisted that if he ruined his shirt there would be hell to pay.
So off he went and met up with his mates at the local pub. About 5 hours of solid drinking went by and the man found himself spewing on his shirt yet again.

He was freaking out "my wife is going to kill me" he kept saying. One of his mates came up to him and said "I know exactly what to do in this situation. All you have to do is walk in the door with a $20 note in your hand, when your wife goes nuts tell her that some drunk yobbo spewed on ya and gave you the $20 for dry cleaning."

With this in mind the man headed home $20 note in hand. He walked through the front door only to be greated by his wife. "You stupid idiot, I told you what would happen if you ruined another shirt." "Relax" says the man. "Some drunk idiot at the pub spewed on me and gave me $20 to get it cleaned" (holding up the $20 note). To which the wife replies "fair enough, but whats the other $20 for?" The man then replies "ahh, that was from the guy that crapped in my pants."

[HDTboy]

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.

[HDTboy]

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me.
Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.

"Where the hell have you been?!"
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!! You went bowling again!!"

[HDTboy]

WHO SAID MEN ARE NOT SENSITIVE?

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The guy says "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

[HDTboy]

A train hits a bus load of school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Karina have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Susan! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jackie sticks her arse in it!!"

[HDTboy]

A man goes into a repair shop to get his watch fixed. But when he sees that the girl running the store is extremely hot, he unzips his pants and lays his johnson on the counter.

Sir, what are you doing? This is a clock shop! the shocked girl shouts.

I know, he replies. I'd like to get a pair of hands and a face put on this.

[HDTboy]

Ten Marriage Quips

Quip 1: Marriages are made in heaven, but so again are thunder and
lightning.

Quip 2: If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to
every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Quip 3: Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Quip 4: Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman
speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the
neighbors listen.

Quip 5: When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be
sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Quip 6: Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble
starts when they try to decide which one.

Quip 7: Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about
something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Quip 8: Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding,
economical, and is a good cook, but the law allows only one wife.

Quip 9: Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding,
economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one
husband.

Quip 10: Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.

[HDTboy]

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives. One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does." The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft." The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?" She frowned and said, "The postman." "Why the postman?" "Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

[HDTboy]

Bill Clinton died and went to Heaven. God tells him "Bill, you can choose where you want to spend eternity. I give you a choice of 3 Rooms." Clinton opened the door to the first room and looked in horror at Hillary with a large knife and her friend Lorena Bobbit. He quickly slammed the door and said, "God, this is horrible. What have you got for me in the 2nd room?" God took him to the 2nd room and Clinton opened the door to see Saddam Hussein raping Al Gore with his 9-inch cock. "God, I really think I deserve better than this," Clinton complained. God took him to the 3rd room. Clinton opened the door to see Newt Gingrich sitting in a chair getting his cock sucked by Monica Lewinski. Brightening, Clinton exlaimed like a schoolboy, "I'll take this room, God." "OK," God boomed, "Monica, you may go."

[HDTboy]

The Amish Hand Warmer: An amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." the mother replied "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

[HDTboy]

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a VERY cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

[HDTboy]

A baby polar bear turns to it's mother and says

"mum, am i really a polar bear?"

"of-course dear, your white... and your a bear, so of-course your a polar bear"

a few moments later...

"hey mum, quick question, am i really a polar bear?"

"i just told you your a polar bear... now eat your salmon..."

a short time later...

"hey mum... am i REALLY a polar bear?"

"For the love of god your a polar bear, IM a polar bear, your FATHER is a polar bear, and your SISTER is a polar bear... why do you keep bloody asking!!!"

"CAUSE IM FUCKING FREEZING!!!"

[HDTboy]

An old lady died and went to heaven. She was chatting it up with
Saint Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she heard the most
awful blood curdling scream.

"Don't worry about that," said St. Peter, "it's only someone
having holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looked a little uncomfortable but carried on with
her conversation. Ten minutes later, there were more blood curdling
screams.

"Oh my God", said the old lady - "now what's happening?"

"No worries," said St. Peter, "she's just having her head drilled
to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," said the woman, "I'm leaving and going to
hell."

"You can't go there," said St. Peter. "You'll be raped and
sodomized."

"Maybe so, said the old lady.............but I've already got the
holes for that.

[HDTboy]

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.

The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!"

"Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."