Rethink your Job

[HDTboy]

What if she says it to you? Still like it then?

[scumdog]

What if she says it to you? Still like it then?

Nah, she's on top and my *'moobys' look flat then so she doesn't notice them!!!

It's the hairy chest that gets her, MM-MM!!


*man-boobys = moobys.

[HDTboy]

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went
up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that
man going into the barn?"

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to
stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate
of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and
straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was
very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So
she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,! and she too did
not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned
incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on
his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke
into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried.

"We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking
for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed
up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to
his mouth, and yelled out.....

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

[HDTboy]

A MAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
.... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
.... you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna make fun of you and your friends

[HDTboy]

The story of someone getting a haircut.

Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

[HDTboy]

50 Ways To Say “I Love You”





1. “If my heart were a baked potato, I’d serve it to you with extra butter and sour cream.”
2. “Your terrible personality isn’t so terrible after a few drinks and even when I sober up, it’s not as terrible as everyone says.”

3. “I’d shave my entire body with a dull, rusty razor blade and take a vinegar bath for you.”

4. “I am rubber, you are glue, any feelings you have for me bounce off and stick to you. Ironically, I feel the same way.”

5. “The other day I saw this little girl day drop her whole ice cream cone on the ground and start bawling. After I stopped laughing, I thought, “I’m the same way when you don’t call when you say you will.”

6. “I saw you in the morning, on the toilet, and I didn’t run screaming. So there.”

7. “Hug me. If you let go -- you lose.”

8. “Umm… like… you and me? Yeah. You and me.”

9. “You are to me what an eye patch and parrot is to a pirate.”

10. “You are the hole in my donut.”

11. “I am the pork, you are the beans.”

12. “You make me want to vomit little chocolate hearts.”

13. “You are my personal parachute.”

14. “If you were a margarita, I’d drink you by the bucket.”

15. “I really like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like you.”

16. “If I had my junior high dance to do all over again, I’d lean against the far wall, stare at you, and hate myself for not asking you if you liked the punch.”

17. “I don’t love you. I merely enjoy tolerating your existence immensely.”

18. “I’ll still want to have sex with you even when you’re old, fat, and ugly.”

19. “You had me at ‘Stop following me’.”

20. “Your farts smell like vanilla.”

21. “We’re a two person chain gang.”

22. ““I am valedictorian of the University of You.”

23. “If you needed a kidney transplant, I’d also throw in a bonus lung.”

24. “The wet, fatty ball of muscle and sinew that pumps my thick, steaming blood to all of my internal organs starts to beat irregularly when you come into my line of sight.”

25. “You are to me what Oprah is to mediocre self-help gurus.”

26. “While you’re in the shower, I collect your skin flakes from the sheets and now I carry them around in this little napkin I keep tied around my neck.”

27. “You suck! So good.”

28. “If you were frozen in Carbonite and taken by bounty hunters, I’d gladly disguise myself, infiltrate a fortress of intergalactic gangsters, threaten them with a thermal detonator, and defrost you myself.”

29. “When I was a kid I was kind of stupid and I thought it would be fun if I stuck a fork in the wall socket and obviously I was thrown across the room. Well, that shock that made my teeth chatter and my hair fall out? That’s like you.”

30. “We are totally codependent and I don’t want it any other way.”

31. “This is the “happily ever after” part of the damn fairy tale, dig?”

32. “If you were a handful of genital crabs, I’d never change my underwear.”

33. “I’m not saying we shouldn’t see other people. I’m just saying I’ll chase whoever you see out of town with a nail-studded baseball bat.”

34. “I am your blank check. Don’t bounce me.”

35. “Shut your piehole! Okay -- now kiss me with that beautiful piehole.”

36. “If you were in a horrible accident and they put your head in a saline solution-filled fish tank, I’d feed you, change your water, and carry you on my back everyday until they built you a kick-ass robot body.”

37. “If given the choice between playing roundball like Michael Jordan or raising rugrats with you in a trailer park then I’d be the first to stand in line to buy diapers.”

38. “You’re such a fucking asshole! And so am I. Let’s forgive each other, get drunk, and screw.”

39. “If I was smart, I’d follow you around like a puppy and never, ever crap in the corner.”

40. “Not only would I carry you out of the factory and drive away you away on my sweet chopper… I’d also buy you a beer and a basket of fries.”

41. I wrote you a poem: “You walk in beauty like the night/ which means you’re the hottest babe in sight/Come home with me so I don’t get in a fight/I agree with what you said: you are always right.”

42. “I’m a grown up and just face the facts that you’re my security blanket.”

43. “You don’t know it, but right here, right now, is the point in the musical montage part of the movie. Let’s split a pretzel and go for a walk on the footbridge.”

44. “Not only would I die for you, I’d bitch slap Satan a good one, too.”

45.“Look: you’re the only one allowed in my bunker. So go get some batteries while I’ll clean my shotgun.”

46. “I’m a junky for your instant messages.”

47. “I had the weirdest dream last night: I was waking up just as dawn was breaking, but instead of the sun rising on the horizon, it was your glowing face. You were smiling and glowing and it felt to good. Isn’t that just strange? I have NO idea what that means. Pass the ketchup.”

48. “You’re my best and only naked friend.”

49. “I’d smoke five packs of you everyday and welcome each and every eventual tumor.”

50. “Let’s set aside cool, ironic detachment for just a moment, shall we? I love you. Wow… wasn’t that just like lame movie Reality Bites? You’ve never seen it? It’s awesome… in a totally stupid way.”

[JUST LOOKING]

Cigarettes and Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "sir I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, "you see, its like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's soooooooooooooo much cheaper. So I figure if I have to roll my ownso does she!

[froggyfrenchman]

hahaha! fuck, ill have to remember that one!

[Sniper]

Repost....

[Waylander]

Repost....

Was thinking the same thing. If you find me the other thread I'll merge them.

[Sniper]

Give me a minute

[MSTRS:Me]

A pretty young blonde walks into a sperm bank, where the receptionist stops
her with "pardon me Miss, this is a DEPOSIT-ONLY sperm bank". The blonde
nods vigorously and replies "mmm mmmm mmmmmmmmmm!"

A women went to her doctor complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor replied "I don't understand what you mean"
The women said "Well the first 100% you can imagine. Plus he burned his
tongue and broke his bloody finger"....

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron
wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what
happened."Well, it was like this," said the man, "I was having a quiet round
of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.We went
to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had
something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and
sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball--stuck right in the middle of the
cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the
doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks
like yours!'"

Q. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A. A woman who won't do what she's told.

Q. What's a man done wrong if his wife comes out of the kitchen to tell him
off?
A. Made her chain too long.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then
on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for
that.

[HDTboy]

Two gays were visiting a zoo, when they found themselves at the gorilla cage. The gorilla was sitting there with a huge erection. Unable to contain himself one of the men reaches in to touch it.

As soon as his arm goes into the cage, the gorilla grabs him, and takes him into the cage... slams him to the floor and fucks him senseless.

A few days later in hospital the boyfriend visits and asks his partner if he is hurt...
"Hurt... Hurt... You bet I'm hurt. He hasn't phoned, he hasn't written..."

[HDTboy]

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1839 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night...

[HDTboy]

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That make everything better and I go work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."