Rethink your Job

[HDTboy]

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it.

It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store.

The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas."

He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino.

The voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must.

He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card."

What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!"

He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy.

"Saul, take another card."

"What?"

"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!"

He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty.

"Saul, take another card," the voice commands.

"I have twenty!" Saul shouts.

"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice.

Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one.

The booming voice goes: "Un-fucking-believable!"

[Fatjim]

2 cows standing on a top of hill.

1 cow says to the other: "you know, I'm really worried about this mad cow's disease going round".

Other cow says: "I'm not, I'm a duck."

[Sniper]

Fatjim, its "Im a helicopter".....

HDT, thanks for reviving a good thread

[Beemer]

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

Bloody funny, the old man nearly wet himself when I told him! Brilliant, do you know any more?

[GN1NiteStnd]

No offense but....

What do you call a maori with one leg shorter than the other???







Not even oww!

[HDTboy]

A guy has a problem with his flatulence. Every time he farts it sounds like somone saying "Hondaaaah". He tries every doctor in the area, who poke and prod his bowels and associated plumbing, but none can come up with a solution.
Eventually the poor guy, baffled and confused, tries exotic medicines. Acupuncture and herbal remedies all have no effect however, until he stumbles on an ancient shop in the back of little china town. An elderly asian man looks him over, then listens as the guy drops his guts.
The asian man says "You must go to dentist, you have abcess in molar."
The guy looks at the little asian man and says "How can you tell I have dental problems from hearing my flatulence?"

The little old man replies: "Easy, abcess make the fart go honda."

[Edbear]

[QUOTE=HDTboy]50 Ways To Say “I Love You”

18. “I’ll still want to have sex with you even when you’re old, fat, and ugly.”

It's true, she does! Aren't I lucky?

[HDTboy]

guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. As promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads:"If you catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her - but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.



Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20lb. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads; "I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine..."

[ducatilover]

heard it before but still great

[In The Breeze]

Calculator that you need

[Goblin]

---------------
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and
nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult,
four hour surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him
a partial sponge bath."Nurse", he mumbles,
from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't
know, Sir I'm only here to wash your upper body
and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse,
are my testicles black?" Concerned that he
may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one
hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and
moving them around. Then, she takes a close
look and says, "There's nothing wrong with
them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at
her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much.
That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
--------------

[Goblin]

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I
said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependant
on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens,
just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

bitch...

[HDTboy]

You have a wife?

[Goblin]

You have a wife?

I wish....then I could get out on my bike more

[Hillbilly]

If you think your job stinks - read this:

Rethink your job

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this. On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested".

Close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the Thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ARSE THAN YOURS.