Rethink your Job

[Midnight 82]

Three woman in a maternity hospital. The 1st woman says im having a boy because I had sex standing up.

2nd woman says shes having a girl cos she had sex lying down...

3rd woman starts to cry. The other woman say whats wrong.

She replies im having a puppy?????

[Ms Piggy]

For all those men who say, "...why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?".

Here's an update for you.

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?

Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.

[Ms Piggy]

(These are just in time for me to start my summer job!)

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about *never*? Is *never* good for you?

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Who, me? I just wander from room to room.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

[RiderInBlack]

A young Kiwi lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home." The manager liked the Kiwi so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Kiwi said, "One." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" "£101,237.64." The manager choked and exclaimed "£101,237.64? What the hell did you sell him?" "Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat. " Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?" "No, no, no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his Missus and I said......... 'Well, since your weekend's stuffed, you might as well go fishing."

[NC]

Two jumper leads walk into a bar
Bar tenders sez
"I'll serve you, just don't start anything"

[NC]

A blonde is driving through the countryside and she sees another blonde in a field rowing a dingy.
So the blonde stops the car and walks up to the fence and leans over it and yells at the other blonde, “What the hell do you think you doing you stupid bitch?”.
The other blonde yells back “Mind your own, you fucken bitch!”
The other blonde yells back to her leaning over the fence, “If I could swim, I’d come over there and kick your arse.”

[NC]

What's brown and sticky?



A Stick

[Hitcher]

The Irish Ministry of Works has come up with detailed specifications for the guidance of people ordering pipes:

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole surrounded by metal or plastic surrounding the hole
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length – do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
3. The ID (inside diameter) off all pipe must not exceed the OD (outside diameter,) otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words “long pipe” clearly painted on each end, so the contractor will know it’s a long pipe.
5. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words “long pipe” painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether it is a long pipe.
6. All pipe over 6” (152 mm) in diameter must have the words “large pipe” painted on it so the contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.
7. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want uphill, level or downhill pipe. If you use uphill pipe for
going downhill, the water will flow the wrong way.
8. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the two threads; otherwise as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is being unscrewed at the other end.

[scroter]

What's brown and sticky?



A Stick

Q: whats brown and looks thru a window



A: Shit on stilts

[Hitcher]

Q: What's brown and sounds like a bell?


A: Dung!

[Blueblader]

What do you call a lesbian with big fingers???
(highlight below!)






Answer
Well hung!

[NC]

Q: whats brown and looks thru a window



A: Shit on stilts

Hitcher: LMFAO

[jase]

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his
> girlfriend back home.
> It read as follows:
>
> Dear Ricky,
>
> I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just
> too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've
been
> gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
> I'm sorry.
> Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
>
> Love, Becky
>
>
> The Marine, with hurt feelings, thought about this for a while, and then
> started to ask his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of
> their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc.
> In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all t he other
pictures
> of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.
> There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:
>
> Dear Becky,
> I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the fuck you are.
> Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
>
> Take Care, Ricky.
>

[inlinefour]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him,
"So, what was wrong?"
He replied,
"It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired:
"An ID ten T error?
What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned....
"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "
and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T

[bear]

Why did the irish man leave a tampon on top of his TV?

To remind him of the c*nt that stole his VCR!