Rethink your Job

**scroter** · 16th November 2004, 12:46

Q: what do they call postman pat when hes not being a postman?

A: Pat

Q: why did the girl fall off the swing?

A: cause she had no arms

Q: why did the boy fall off the swing?

A: cause someone threw a fridge at him

**Kickaha** · 20th November 2004, 06:25

It is Christmas Eve and this chap is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and he owes thousands of pounds to the bank. Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder. "Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas.

The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump. "Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas, I will grant you three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you will grant me a small favour in return! "Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!!... Thank you, thank you!".

So Father Christmas promises him that :-

1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your
return, and she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.

2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50% and nobody will have any recollection of your sacking.

3. You shall go to your bank and you will be ten thousand
pounds in credit, you will have no outstanding bills. "Oh thank you, thank you says the man.

"What is it that I can do for you?"

Father Christmas tells the man to drop his pants and bend over. After quite a brutal buggering, which made his eyes water a little,
Father Christmas asks the man how old he is?

"36" replies the man.

Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren't you!?" chuckled the fat gay bastard in fancy dress.

**bear** · 20th November 2004, 08:28

Q: How do you carstraight (sp.) a whale?

A: Send down four-skin divers.

**Storm** · 20th November 2004, 09:25

Two guys are working on a bulding site. They are 16 floors up when one needs a leak. He cant be bothered going all the way down the the toilets at the bottom on the building, so his mate says, "look, I'll stand on this end of this here plank, you walk out to the end, and do your thing". So they do so. While the first guy is midway thorugh, the luch hooter rings..............and his mate steps off the plank !!
A couple of weeks later, a frenchman, a aussie and a kiwi are in a bar, talkign about which nationality is keener on women, and the lengths they go to.

The frenchman says " It ees the french! We wine them and dine them, we write love poems, and worship them"

The aussie replies, " Nah mate, its us aussies. We go out on the piss 3-4-5 times a week, spend all our pay trying to look good to score the ladies"

The kiwi replies, "thats nothing. Couple of weeks ago, I was walking past a building site, watching these two gorgeous women walk past in low cut tops, and suddenly, out of nowhere, a guy falls out of the sky, with his hand on his dick , yelling " cunt "!!!!!!!!!!

**ching_ching** · 22nd November 2004, 14:17

A doctor was walking around the hospital doing his rounds all the while twiddling around with a thermometer that he had placed in the space between the top part of his ear and the side of his head.
One of the nurses, having noticed this for a while suddenly questioned him, "Doctor, why on earth have you got that thermometer in your ear?"
Doctor bought it in front of his face and yelled,

"Ahh shit, some arsehole's got my pencil!!"

**Blakamin** · 22nd November 2004, 14:36

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says, "Smoking a joint - come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is "dry" and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree, walks through the jungle to the river and leans over to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting and smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing the joint. He looks up and says, "Hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says, "Duuuuuuuuuude!!...... how much water did you drink?!!"

**Blakamin** · 22nd November 2004, 15:38

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ( S.H.I.T.)

We are tying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you are not recieving your fair share of S.H.I.T. on the job , please see your manager.You will immediately be placed on the top of the S.H.I.T. list and they are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. that you can handle. Employees who dont take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS ( D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.).
Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they dont have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T. you may be interested in a job training others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

If you have any other questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING. SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ( H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING.
( B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

**RiderInBlack** · 26th November 2004, 06:10

Hotel bill Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to use this logic...........

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.

He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $50." "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

**Blakamin** · 26th November 2004, 14:15

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again either!"

The silence in the cab was deafening.

**badlieutenant** · 27th November 2004, 10:21

(taken from vfr forums uk)

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take
the trailer to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with both your
hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1 . A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by
a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his
manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in
private,using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as they
detract from a
woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (OutsideFamily):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the 1st date.
2 . Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting
to
go
out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall 2 years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will
say
10:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's
the
man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the
movie's ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have
proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A track suit with a
cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the
occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's
loaded and the pig's in sight.
2. When approaching a round-about, the vehicle with the largest
tyres doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. Don't burn rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
5. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's
impolite to ask her to bring back beer, too

**inlinefour** · 2nd December 2004, 21:01

First Law of the Workshop.

Don't bother lookin' for the thing... It's not there. All things dropped in workshop situations fall into worm holes and are transported to saturn (thats what the rings are made of).

Second Law of the Workshop.

Sometimes they do get sucked back through the worm hole by the vacuum created in your wallet caused by purchasing replacement parts.

Third Law of the Workshop.

All assemblies are created of lot's of parts. There are 2 sorts of parts. Parts that you don't drop and parts you do drop. All parts you drop are made of unobtainium, the rarest element in the universe. Unobtainium is a semi naturally occuring element found only on back order. It is never available in under 6 weeks. Be careful of obtainium parts because they are either the wrong part (that you didn't need) of made of didn't-fitium.

Fourth Law of the Workshop.

The people that write the service manuals have seldom worked on a bike and if they did, it was not one like yours.