Rethink your Job

[MSTRS:Me]

I just can't help myself..............
A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chilli. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
So he gets a cup of coffee. Then he sees that the guy next to him has finished his meal, but the chilli bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. You can have it."
The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a dead mouse in it, and pukes the chilli back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got too."

[Skunk]

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine
I drink I feel shamed, then I look into the glass
and think about the workers in the winery and
all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink
this wine, they might be out of work and their
dreams would be shattered. Then I say to
myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and
let their dreams come true than be selfish and
worry about my liver."
- Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When
they wake up in the morning, that's as good
as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking,
I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 bottles in a case.
Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we
get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we
commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Wine is proof that God loves us and wants
us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention
in the history of mankind is wine. Oh, I grant
you that the wheel was also a fine invention,
but the wheel does not go nearly as well with
pizza."
~ Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.

Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of wine eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few wines."

[vifferman]

Nice scooter advert.

[MSTRS:Me]

This sums things up quite nicely

[MOTOXXX]

Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making

dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time

to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mum, I want a bike for my

birthday". Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten

into trouble at school and at home. Johnny's mother asked him if he

thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of

course, thought he did. Johnny's mother, being a Christian woman,

wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a

letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write

God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday.
I want a red one.

Your friend,
Johnny.

Johnny knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this
year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God,

This is your friend Johnny. I have been a pretty good boy this year,
and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Johnny.

Johnny knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for
my birthday.

Your friend,
Johnny.
Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. Johnny was

very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to

church. Johnny's mother thought her plan had worked because Johnny

looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Johnny walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He

looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the

Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church,

down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door

to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Johnny began

to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4:

I'VE GOT YOUR MUM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE
F***ING BIKE.

Signed YOU KNOW WHO

[MSTRS:Me]

Subject: Does It Pay to Lie


At a local university, there were four sophomores
taking Chemistry and all of them had an A so far.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend
before finals, they decided to visit some friends and
have a big party. They had a great time, but after all
the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and
didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that
after the final, they would explain to their professor why they
missed it. They said that they visited friends but on
the way back, had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor agreed they could make up the final
the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They
studied that night for the exam.

He placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test
booklet. They quickly answered the first problem,
worth five points. Cool, they thought! Each one in
separate rooms, thought this is going to be easy. Then
turned the page. On the second page was written:


For 95 points: Which tire?

[Skunk]

Here's a little Christmas cheer from the
Australian Bureau of Statistics


*31 Australians have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
*19 Australians have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas decorations they believed were chocolate.
*Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling incidents.
*101 Australians since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
*18 Australians had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
*A massive 543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket.
*5 Australians were injured last year in accidents involving out of control scalextric cars.
*3 Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongue.
*142 Australians were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from new shirts.
*58 Australians are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
and finally:
*8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep (passing out) while throwing up into the toilet.
Yep its great to be an Australian!

[Marmoot]

*3 Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongue.

Seriously, would it hurt you? Anyone tried it?

[Skunk]

Seriously, would it hurt you? Anyone tried it?

[Skunk]

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are living in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife: " Notice anything different about me ?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, " Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, " Ray, what's different ? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it will be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yells,"AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT IS HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT IS LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

To which Bessie replies,"Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat.

[Skunk]

Insurance Claims...

[SPman]

Mark: Hey Bill, Man you'll never believe what happened today!
Bill Oh yeah? What Happened?
Mark: Well I was on my way to the office, and as I passed by the train tracks, I saw the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen. I mean this babe had a body that wouldn't quit!
Bill Yeah, so what'd you do about it Casanova?
Mark: I pulled over, approached her, said a couple sweet nothings and next thing you know.... We're going at it!
Bill No way, you're lying...
Mark: Seriously man, I'm not kidding, I tore it up! We spent the whole day doing anything I wanted, in any way that I wanted, it was awesome.
Bill Did she give you oral?
Mark: She would have, but I couldn't find her head.

[MSTRS:Me]

A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted
to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary, For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the
dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health
club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my

college football team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea
to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made my
reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself
as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-with blonde
hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my
pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse

was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra
aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she
conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut
was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going
to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy ironbar into the
air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on
the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile
made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe
I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't
try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early
in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would
help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed
as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't
help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
ran and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as
punishment, put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid,
skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could
move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me
to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want
dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ Barbells or anything
that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I
landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked
the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I
can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that
next year, my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is
fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.

[Marmoot]

Got this off the internet somewhere....

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout hooker catches his eye.

He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, " How much?"
The Hooker replies, " It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

Guy says, " $500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, " Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" " Yes." " Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" " Yes." " And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" " Yes." " Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, " I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

Guy says, " What the hell? I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

He is so amazed, he says, " I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, " $1,500."

" $1,500? No blow-job could be worth that."

The hooker replies, " Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, says, " Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can't believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, " How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, " Come over here to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"

" Damn!" the guy says, in awe, " You own the whole city?"

" No," the hooker replies, " but I would if I had a pussy."

[Marmoot]

Top 10 Historical uses of the 'F' word...

1 - "Scattered f___ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

2 - "How the f___ did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

3 - "You want THAT on the f___ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

4 - "Where did all those f___ing Indians come from?" - Custer,1877

5 - "It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

6 - "Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

7 - "Any f___ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

8 - "What the f___ was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9 - "I need this parade like I need a f___ing hole in the head!" - JFK,1963

10 - "Aw c'mon. Who the f___ is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton,1997