Rethink your Job

[Marmoot]

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval ship and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland, Oct 95. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95:

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

[Marmoot]

And this is the Australian New Age religion version of the Biblical Creation.
(which I'm sure a lot of youse would mind)

The Creation

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy
matches, going to the beach and barbies.
He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies.
God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day. On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach.
God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies.
God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day. On the Fourth
Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and
prawns for barbies.
God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.
On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies.
God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.
On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy,surf , drink beer, eat and stand round the barbie with.
So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes.
God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.
On the Seventh Day God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie. Evening came and it was the end of the Seventh day.

God sighed, looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of
opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the blokes and Sheilas,
smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns, and God saw that
it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody good,

IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!!!!!!!!

[Marmoot]

There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting. He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, "Damn, that son of a bitch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that son of a bitch can drive", then spit, "Damn that son of a bitch can drive", then spit.
A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on here? You keep saying, 'Damn that son of a bitch can drive', then you spit".

"Well", says the guy, "My friend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say sure, why not?

He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvy.

We're going faster and faster and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!!

We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an overturned motor home right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it! I just knew we were gonna die! So I turn to him and said... 'Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn blow job you've ever had!'"

He paused. Then spit. "DAMN, THAT SON OF A BITCH CAN **DRIVE**!!"

[RiderInBlack]

Seriously, would it hurt you? Anyone tried it?

They probably swollowed them when they were surprises by the shock.

[Skunk]

Fried Eggs...

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her
husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!

We need more butter. Oh my GOD!

WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.

Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT !

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't
know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when
I'm driving.

[Storm]

I see I am not the only one to suffer this particular cruel and unusual torment then.. Well done that man, I shall have to try that one next time I get a serve

[Marmoot]

that last joke on frying egg by Skunk sounds awfully like one of those queer guys on TV.....

[Skunk]

Dear Dog...

I am so sorry about you being sent to the dog pound

For the broken lamp which you did not break;

The fish tank you did not spill;

And the carpet that you did not wet;

Or the wall that you did not dirty with red paint....

Things here at the house are calmer now,

I have no hard feelings towards you,

Best regards,

The Cat

[MSTRS:Me]

looking for bike finance?

[MSTRS:Me]

Just a wee feeler to see if this thread can be given a kickstart before NewYearsA mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying,
"All of you bastards who want off, get the fuck off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get the fuck on, cause we're going down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in and told her son,

"We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,

"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."

[Skunk]

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767 had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

[MSTRS:Me]

:sly:

[avgas]

And this is the Australian New Age religion version of the Biblical Creation.
(which I'm sure a lot of youse would mind)

The Creation

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy
matches, going to the beach and barbies.
He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies.
God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day. On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach.
God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies.
God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day. On the Fourth
Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and
prawns for barbies.
God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.
On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies.
God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.
On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy,surf , drink beer, eat and stand round the barbie with.
So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes.
God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.
On the Seventh Day God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie. Evening came and it was the end of the Seventh day.

God sighed, looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of
opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the blokes and Sheilas,
smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns, and God saw that
it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody good,

IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!!!!!!!!

Musta been in the dreamtime, while he was at yarrayarra

[Blakamin]

Musta been in the dreamtime, while he was at yarrayarra

I reckon he was spot-on!!!!!!

[Riff Raff]

This happened at a major Australian University in October last year in a biology lecture, a professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young female student raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in the male semen as in sugar?'
'That's correct.' responded the professor, going on to add some statistical data.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why doesn't it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing.
The poor girl turned bright red and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without a word walked out of the class.
However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic.
Totally straight-faced, he answered her question.
'IT DOESN'T TASTE SWEET BECAUSE THE TASTE-BUDS FOR SWEETNESS ARE ON THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE AND NOT IN THE BACK OF YOUR THROAT.'