Rethink your Job

**Sniper** · 26th January 2005, 08:57

Originally Posted by vifferman

cracked

Hehe you said crack

**Riff Raff** · 26th January 2005, 13:38

Several cannibals were recently hired by a big corporation.
"You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the thers, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything, but no, you had to go and eat the secretary!"

**vifferman** · 26th January 2005, 14:02

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer Fire Company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant.....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norsk old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Norsk fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing ve do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

**Coyote** · 26th January 2005, 14:07

Think I've posted this before :unsure:

**Skunk** · 26th January 2005, 14:17

Originally Posted by Riff Raff

"You fool! For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything, but no, you had to go and eat the secretary!"

Very good!

Originally Posted by vifferman

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing ve do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

I nearly laughed

**vifferman** · 26th January 2005, 14:29

Originally Posted by Skunk

I nearly laughed

Well, you did better than me, then.

I think I've lost my sense of humour somewhere....

**Yokai** · 26th January 2005, 14:44

Originally Posted by vifferman

Well, you did better than me, then.

I think I've lost my sense of humour somewhere....

I've got a spare one somewhere hanging around - it's not been used very much, but it is off the wall.

**Skunk** · 26th January 2005, 15:07

Originally Posted by Yokai

I've got a spare one somewhere hanging around - it's not been used very much, but it is off the wall.

That would be on the floor...

**Yokai** · 26th January 2005, 16:09

Originally Posted by Skunk

That would be on the floor...

Nah - usually my sense of humour is deemed to be below the belt... Or possibly in the sewer.

never yet had anyone say "Your sense of humour is on the floor" ... If they did, I'd be inclined to respond "Are you sure - I thought it was carpet... or chewing gum"

**Skunk** · 26th January 2005, 16:25

A man went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live.

So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.

"What you should do is go out and buy an old Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."

"Will this help me live longer?"

"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."

**Riff Raff** · 26th January 2005, 16:30

New Subway sandwich

**Riff Raff** · 26th January 2005, 16:33

This koro lived alone at Ruatoria. He wanted to spade his riwai
garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Hone, who used to
help him, was in Paremoremo prison. The koro wrote a letter to his
son and described his predicament.

Kia ora e Hone,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to
plant my riwai garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be
over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Arohanui
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

E Pa,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried
the BODIES.
Love Hone

At 4A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up
and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They
apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the koro received another letter from his son.

E Pa,
Go ahead and plant the riwai now. That's the best I could do under
thecircumstances.
Hone

**Riff Raff** · 26th January 2005, 16:39

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothing and place in laundry basket according to lights, darks, handwash etc. Walk to bathroom wearing towelling gown.
Look at womanly physique in the mirror, stick out belly, squeeze legs/bum to show cellulite and complain and whine about getting fat.
Get in shower and wash hair with cucumber and lamprey shampoo with added vitamins. Condition hair with cucumber and lamprey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil and leave for 15 minutes.
Wash face with apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red raw. Wash
entire body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse off conditioner, shave arm pits and legs, consider shaving bikini line, but decide to get waxed instead.
Turn off shower. Spray mould spot with bath cleaner. Get out of shower.
Dry hair with towel the size of a large African country. Return to bedroom
wearing long towelling gown and towel on head. Take one and a half hours
to get dressed.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothing while sitting on the bed and leave in pile on floor.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If wife sees....wave knob at her and shout "Wha Hey". Look in mirror and suck in gut to see manly physique. Admire size of knob in mirror,scratch b*llocks, and smell fingers.
Get in shower. Wash face. Wash armpits.
Laugh at how loud farts sound in shower. Wash balls and surrounding
area.
Wash arse leaving hairs on soap. Shampoo hair and make into mohican
hairstyle with shampoo.
Pull back curtain to look at self in mirror then p*ss in shower.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain was outside bath as usual. Partially dry off. Look at self in mirror, flex muscles, and look at size of knob AGAIN. Leave shower curtain open and light on.
Return to bedroom towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel and shout "Yeah Baby", thrusting pelvis at her.
Put on yesterdays clothes and pants

**Blakamin** · 26th January 2005, 17:11

Originally Posted by Riff Raff

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothing while sitting on the bed and leave in pile on floor.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If wife sees....wave knob at her and shout "Wha Hey". Look in mirror and suck in gut to see manly physique. Admire size of knob in mirror,scratch b*llocks, and smell fingers.
Get in shower. Wash face. Wash armpits.
Laugh at how loud farts sound in shower. Wash balls and surrounding
area.
Wash arse leaving hairs on soap. Shampoo hair and make into mohican
hairstyle with shampoo.
Pull back curtain to look at self in mirror then p*ss in shower.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain was outside bath as usual. Partially dry off. Look at self in mirror, flex muscles, and look at size of knob AGAIN. Leave shower curtain open and light on.
Return to bedroom towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel and shout "Yeah Baby", thrusting pelvis at her.
Put on yesterdays clothes and pants

HEY!!!!

my hair isn't long enuff for a mohican............