Rethink your Job

**Skunk** · 16th February 2005, 17:01

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front ofhis bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter,and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run,really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," hesaid. "How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?" Tom asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, andthen 'plop' an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked againand squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, heheard his wife shout:

"Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!"

**SPman** · 16th February 2005, 17:05

How many women does it take to oil a motorbike chain ?

No-one knows, it has never happened !

**RiderInBlack** · 16th February 2005, 18:03

Originally Posted by SPman

How many women does it take to oil a motorbike chain ?
No-one knows, it has never happened !

Now I know that you are using the wrong sex symbol. No woman would have made that statement. Excuse me while I stop standing behind you and duck behind a wall.

**Blakamin** · 16th February 2005, 19:58

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life,
breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,
bailing hay, doctoring calves,
cleaning my barn, fixing flats,
working on tractors, and feeding my dogs,
so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian.
I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.
When I shower, I think about women.
When I watch TV, I think about women.
I even think about women when I eat.
It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

**Skunk** · 18th February 2005, 13:29

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.

The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lollypop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious ...I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?"

She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hor d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey...at the bar...you know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie? ...LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR F*CKING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR F*CKING SNACKS BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

...and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

**Sniper** · 21st February 2005, 14:44

What do you give a blonde who has everything??

Penicillin

**Sniper** · 22nd February 2005, 14:21

Barry was blind. And for his birthday he got a silver coated nutmeg grater. When they asked him what he thought of his present he replied: "It was the most violent book I have ever read"

**MSTRS:Me** · 24th February 2005, 08:03

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it." "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there. "But what about the smell?" "Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

**MSTRS:Me** · 24th February 2005, 08:10

Two men are driving through Roxburgh when they get pulled over by the boys in blue. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. "What the hell was that for?" the driver asks. "You're in Central Otago mate" the copper answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." "I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm from Wellington". The copper runs a check on the guy's license - he's clean - and gives the guy his license back.

The copper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the copper smacks him on the head with the nightstick. "What'd you do that for?" the passenger asks. "Just making your wish come true," replies the copper. "Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks. "Because I know," the copper says," that two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your mate and say, "I wish that arsehole would've tried that shit with me!"

**Skunk** · 24th February 2005, 09:14

Originally Posted by MSTRS

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

That is such a sad story!

Why is it on the Joke Thread?

**MSTRS:Me** · 24th February 2005, 13:41

Originally Posted by Skunk

That is such a sad story!

Why is it on the Joke Thread?

Please note: All care & no responsibility. I was told that no skunks were hurt in the making of this joke. Perhaps they lied?

**Blakamin** · 24th February 2005, 15:52

Every 14th of February, men get the chance to display their
fondness towards their wives, fiances and girlfriends by showering them with
gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find
romantic. The secret is ... guys feel left out. That's right...left
out.

There's no special day for the ladies to show their appreciation
for the men in their life. Men, as a whole, are either too proud or
just too embarrassed to admit it.

This is why a new special day has been created - MARCH 20th IS NOW
OFFICIALLY "STEAK & BLOW JOB DAY"

Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this day has been created
so that ladies have an opportunity to show their man just how much they
love him. No cards, no flowers and no special nights on the town - the
name of the day explains it all...just a steak and a BJ. That's it!

This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak & Blow Job Day will
usher in a new age of love, as men everywhere will try THAT much
harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual
love machine.

The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a
little push to start the ball rolling.

So, spread the word and count the days to March 20.
Pencil this date into your diaries AND SPREAD THE WORD!

**Slipstream** · 24th February 2005, 16:07

Originally Posted by Blakamin

This is why a new special day has been created - MARCH 20th IS NOW
OFFICIALLY "STEAK & BLOW JOB DAY"

This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak & Blow Job Day will
usher in a new age of love, as men everywhere will try THAT much
harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual
love machine.

The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a
little push to start the ball rolling.

So, spread the word and count the days to March 20.
Pencil this date into your diaries AND SPREAD THE WORD!

Hmmm, so you are basically saying, tit for tat right?

Ok (to some of the) ladies. We should give the guys the same response to this day as they do for Valentines.

Pretend we've forgotten what day it is and go on as per every other normal day of the week