Rethink your Job

[HDTboy]

THE DIVIDING WALL

One day the maddame of a brothel calls a carpenter to do some work at her establishment. When he arrives she takes him upstairs and explains that she needs a dividing wall put in to make one of her large rooms into 2 smaller rooms.

So the carpenter sets about the work, it takes him all day and when he is finally finished he goes back downstairs to tell the maddame that he is finished and to sort out payment.

She then explains to the carpenter that they always pay people by means of services performed by the ladies that work at the brothel. The carpenter then explains that he is a happily married man and would prefer the $1500 for the job.

The maddame keeps on insisting that he can have any woman in the whole place, or even 2 or 3, or perhaps you would like twins she says, thats every mans fantasy isn't it??

The carpenter goes quiet for a moment as he thinks about the situation. Finally he says to the maddame, alright, I'll take your offer but I want you. The maddame replies that she only manages the establishment and does not perform any of the services.

The carpenter then reminds her that she said he could have any woman he wanted, so she agrees and they head up stairs. Once in the room he tells her to drop her pants. So she does and he promptly sticks is thumb in her ass and his index finger into her pussy.

The carpenter then says with a big smile on his face " GIVE ME MY $1500 OR I"LL RIP OUT YOUR DIVIDING WALL!!"

[Marmoot]

An American magazine held a competition, inviting its readers to submit new scientific theories on ANY subject. Below are the winners:

5th place (Subject: Probability Theory)
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually write the complete works of Shakespeare in Braille.

4th place (Subject: Bio-Mechanics)
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your head unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.

3rd place (Subject: Symbolic Logic)
The Chinese are technologically underdeveloped because each of their alphabetical characters represents a whole word or phrase, rather than a single letter. Thus they cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.

2nd place (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics)
Deforestation may cause earthquakes, tidal waves, or even the total destruction of our planet. Just as a figure-skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting down of tall trees may cause the Earth to spin dangerously fast on its axis with disastrous results.

Winner (Subject: Perpetual Motion)
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system.

[MSTRS:Me]

1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is "Ork - Lund", not "JAFATOWN."

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Auckland has its own
version of traffic rules...Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Auckland. We all drive like that.

3. All directions start with, "Go down the motorway....."

4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic... a "Scenic
Drive."

5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00AM to 10:00AM. The evening rush hour
is from 3:00PM to 7:00PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, abused
and possibly shot. When you are the first one off the starting line, count to
five when the light turns green before going, to avoid getting into any
cross-traffic's way.

7. K' Road can ONLY be pronounced by a native Ork-Lunder.

8. Construction on motorways & other main streets in peak Traffic is a way
of life and a permanent form of entertainment.

9. All unexplained smells are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we must be in !!!."

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory
defect.

11. All old ladies with coloured hair in a crappy car have total right-of-way.

12. The minimum acceptable speed on Motorway is 120 kph. Anything less is
considered downright sissy.

13. The wrought iron on windows in North Shore is NOT ornamental.

14. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking, I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone. THIS IS
NOT A JOKE EITHER (Refer to the New Road Rage rules)

15. If you are in the left lane, and only going 100 km in a 100 km zone,
people are not waving when they go by.

16. The Auckland Harbour Bridge road is our daily version of NASCAR.

17. If it's 25 degrees, Xmas must be next weekend.

18. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to Auckland city.

19. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off a motorway, just
follow the ruts in the grass to the frontage road like everyone else. This is
how Auckland residents notify Trans & Govt Depts where exits should have
been built.

20. You must get as close as possible to the car in front of you, or you may
not see the finger in time
some people have a bumper sticker *Horn Broken, Watch For Finger*.

[HDTboy]

There is no escaping it, is there, these soccer players are an
intelligent bunch of blokes ;-)))

'My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7.'
David Beckham

'I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the
league.'
Mark Viduka

'We lost because we didn't win.'
Ronaldo

'If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of
bed at the end of the day.'
Neville Southall

'He's put on weight and I've lost it, and vice versa.'
Ronnie Whelan

'I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on
the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at
Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he
was out there playing.'
Ade Akinbiyi

'I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.'
Stuart Pearce

'Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well,
he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best
manager I've ever had.'
David Beckham

'I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of
which were disputable.'
Paul Gascoigne

'I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life and
hopefully after that as well.'
Alan Shearer

'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.'
Mark Draper

'You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win
the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out.'
Peter Shilton

'I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week,
but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester.'
Stan Collymore

'Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.'
Ian Wright

'I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.'
Ugo Ehiogu

'Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I
live in Middlesborough.'
Jonathan Woodgate

'I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my
right.'
Lee Hendrie

'I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.'
Ian Rush

'Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 Internationals
out there today.'
Steve Lomas

'I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my
right sock.'
Barry Venison

'I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what
religion yet.'
David Beckham

'The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukranians will be more
European.'
Phil Neville

'All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.'
Mitchell Thomas

'The opening ceremony was good, although I missed it.'
Graeme Le Saux

'One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.'
Alan Shearer

'I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.'
Johnny Giles

'I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.'
Les Ferdinand

'It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it
worked.'
Richard Rufus

' There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in
between.'
Gary Lineker

'Sometimes in football you have to score goals.'
Thierry Henry

[What?]

Merely providing amusing tales for the people

Fair enough - but a shame that most of them have been posted here before...

[HDTboy]

I read thru the thread and posted the ones I didn't think I'd seen in it. sorry if I was wrong

[MSTRS:Me]

'salrite. I hadn't seen them before & that's all that matters.
This is an oldie but someone won't have seen it before.....

Little Paula was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour
peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster
was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Paula? "My
goldfish died," replied Paula tearfully, without looking up, "and I've
just buried him." The neighbour was concerned,"I am so sorry for your
loss but that seems to be an awfully big hole for a little tiny
goldfish, isn't it?" Paula nicely patted down the last heap of earth on
the grave then replied, "That's because he's inside your f---ing cat."

[MSTRS:Me]

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the
veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this
from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the chemist store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At
the register the chemist tells her: "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The chemist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a
couple of days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The chemist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

[HDTboy]

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[pyrocam]

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

me too.



edit:
and 1 to record the lightbulb insertion with his video camera for the good of the community

[Waylander]

edit:
and 1 to record the lightbulb insertion with his video camera for the good of the community

and then make it his avatar...

[Hitcher]

The best post for ages. Well done and thank you HDTboy!

[MSTRS:Me]

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

and 1 to tell them off....

[MSTRS:Me]

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.


(Do they look different reversed?)

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Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers.

The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece ! of wood at all times.


(A brick??)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.


(Much worse than "going blind!")

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband! 's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act!

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception:

Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

*~*! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.


(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull l30 times its own weight and always falls

over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of...?)

(Did the govt. pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

[Marmoot]

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

I lived there for 25 years and never heard about any....

In fact, it is much more legal than adultery