Rethink your Job

[HDTboy]

Two women friends had gone for a girls night out, both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk & walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped ina roadside cemetery for relief. When they realised they couldn't wipe, one suggested she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.



The next day one of the womens husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"



"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her bum that said "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

[HDTboy]

125 Things Never To Say During Sex



1) is it in?
2) that's it?
3) you've got to be kidding me.
4) (phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you?
5) do I have to pay for this?
6) do I have to call you tomorrow?
7) oh momma, momma!
8) oh daddy, daddy!
9) you look better in the dark.
10) this is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
11) I thought that goes in the other hole....
12) don't tell my husband/wife.
13) you have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it).
14) this sucks.
15) can you finish now? I have a meeting...
16) I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
17) I think you might get the job for this.
18) damn! is that all you know what to do.
19) did I tell you, I have herpes?
20) now we must get married.
21) hurry up, the games about to start.
22) I'm hungry.
23) I'm thirsty.
24) zzzzzzzzzzzz.
25) are you trying to be funny?
26) can I have a ride home after this?
27) are those real?
28) by the way, I want to break up.
29) is that smell coming from you?
30) haven't you ever done this before?
31) wow!! I've never seen those before (then grope wildly).
32) do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
33) you're so much like your sister....
34) your mom's cute.
35) what's your name again?
36) do I have to be here in the morning?
37) a second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!
38) but you just started!!
39) you're about as good as a 9 year old, and I should know!!
40) don't touch that!!
41) can we order a pizza?
42) I think my dad is listening at the door.
43) smile for the camera, honey!!!
44) take off that damn monkey glove!!
45) get your hand out of there!!
46) I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
47) I knew you wore a padded bra!!
48) cover me boys, I'm going in!!!
49) DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
50) Fire one!
51) God, that is small!!
52) hold on, let me change the channel...
53) who smells like fish?
54) is it o.k. if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?
55) your best-friend does it much better.
56) hope you don't mind I left my boots on.
57) hurry up, the motor's runnin'.
58) you're fogging up the wind-shield.
59) can I borrow 5 bucks?
60) what the hell noise was that?!
61) stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
62) shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it)
63) you know, you're not really attractive.
64) I'm sorry, I was not listening.
65) what, oh yea, I love you too, now let me concentrate!!
66) stop interrupting me!!
67) I have to take a shit.
68) did I leave the iron on?
69) your breath is funky.
70) (start singing Green Day).
71) is it o.k. if I call someone, its o.k. though, keep going....
72) its ok honey, I can imagine that its bigger.
73) god I wish you were a real woman.
74) why can't you ever shave your legs?
75) by the way, when I drove over here, I ran over your dog....
76) oh Susan, Susan... I mean donna.... shit.
77) your breast milk is like my mom's....
78) you're hairy!!
79) your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.
80) is it o.k. if I never see you again?
81) did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?
82) don't make that face at me!
83) all of a sudden I have a headache.
84) you're boring.
85) I like your tits.
86) suck my dick, bitch.
87) how much do I owe you?
88) How come we each have a penis?
89) of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!
90) your ass is hairy (the guy says this).
91) just use your finger, its bigger.
92) does your family have to watch?
93) we'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
94) get off me, I'll do it myself!!!!
95) can you hold this sandwich for me?
96) you're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
97) the only reason I'm doing this is because I'm drunk.
98) my mom taught me this.....
99) how cute... peach fuzz!
100) Damn girl! my tits are bigger than your's!
101) should I ask why you're bleeding?
102) this is my pet rat, Larry....
103) if you can't do it, I'll find someone else who can!
104) I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!
105) I was once a woman...
106) wanna see me take out my glass eye?
107) no I don't love your mind, I can't grab that!!
108) is it o.k. if I tell my friends about this?
109) I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
110) you wanted me to use a condom?
111) you're no better than my brother!!
112) mooooo!!
113) Fire in the hole!!!
114) I wanna see how many quarters I can fit in there.
115) hurry up, I'm late for a date.
116) o.k. start...oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE??!!
117) you ever see basic instinct?
118) I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?
119) don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
120) Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?
121) you got boogies showing.
122) (start reciting the 10 commandments).
123) I think I just shit on your bed.
124) of course I don't love you.
125) let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t.

[HDTboy]

Have u heard the one about the new pirate movie




Its rated aarrrrggh

*said in best pirate voice*

[Waylander]

A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?" She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!" His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, Christ! he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse "No" she replies, "I'm your sons' English Teacher"

[Hitcher]

"I'm your sons' English Teacher"

I wouldn't want anybody with punctuation skills like this teaching my kids...

[vifferman]

I wouldn't want anybody with punctuation skills like this teaching my kids...

Hopefully the English teacher didn't verbally punctuate. That would be just too pedantic.

[Beemer]

I wouldn't want anybody with punctuation skills like this teaching my kids...

You didn't think to ask first if the guy had one or TWO sons - he may have twins so I'm afraid the apostrophe could be in the correct place in this instance!

Besides, many English teachers have appalling spelling and grammatical skills - I should know, I've just finished proofreading some school reports!

[Waylander]

I wouldn't want anybody with punctuation skills like this teaching my kids...

Not my typing, I stole it from someone else on another site.

[HDTboy]

NEW EVENING CLASSES OPEN TO MEN ONLY!!!

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will
accept a maximum of eight participants. The course covers two days,
and topics covered in this course include:


DAY ONE:
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO
KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other
- Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of
turning the house upside down while screaming
- Open forum



DAY TWO:
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE
OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL
TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE
PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE
GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING
WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available

[Wolf]

Education for women
Continuing Education Courses for Women

Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.

Parties: Going Without New Outfits.

Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.

Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.

Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .

Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.

Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.

Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.

Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.

Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.

Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.

Introduction to Parking.

Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.

Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.

Water retention: Fact or Fat.

Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.

Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.

Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.

Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.

Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.

Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.

Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.

Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.

Ballet: For Women Only.

Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.

Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges.

"Do These Jeans Make Me Look Fat?" - Why Men Lie.

TV Remotes: For Men Only.

[anhrefn]

Three Labrador retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one
black were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery
when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to
the brown and said, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything--
the sofa the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw
was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why
are you here?"

The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig
up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm
inside I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last
night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." The dejected yellow lab
said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why
are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump the cat, a
pillow, the table, postboxes, what ever. I want to hump
everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the
shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just
couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping
away."

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
"So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

[Brian d marge]

NEW EVENING CLASSES OPEN TO MEN ONLY!!!

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will
accept a maximum of eight participants. The course covers two days,
and topics covered in this course include:


DAY ONE:
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

Dont they come in a plastic bag from the service station???

TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

AHA ..if you leave the empty onein the holder.. the good fairy will replace it

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
You can Never lose stuff on the floor ...in the laundry socks will disappear

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO
KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

I have seen dishes and silverware fly on many occasions !

LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other
- Help line and support groups

Cant imagine losing the remote control , to terrible to think about

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of
turning the house upside down while screaming
- Open forum

Well if it was left on the floor where I left it I wouldnt have lost it !



DAY TWO:
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE
OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
An easy one this ...on the table next to the coffee machine !!! that where they go !!

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL
TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation
You cook with flower?? dont you ...not sure on that one

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

Never lost so dont need to ask ...easy one that !!!

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE
PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

To dangerous

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

Mums cookings better ...easy one that ...( going to ace this class!!)

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
Roller blades trust me ..they work.. and a walkman!!!

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE
GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

Have them all written down on a piece of paper somewhere ..( reminds me the gp is on in 4 weeks time )

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING
WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available

Dont understand that last one, its a toughy ,,,,,,well cant expect to be perfect

Stephen

Talking bout strange things happening ,,,anyone noticed the toilet seat ,,,you leave it up ...( in case of emergency ) ,,,,and the next day ,,,ITS DOWN ...now that is weird ....never figured that one

[HDTboy]

what's orange and sounds like a parrot?

a carrot!

[HDTboy]

YOU MAY NOT KNOW THAT MANY NON-LIVING THINGS HAVE A GENDER.

FOR EXAMPLE .......


1. FREEZER BAGS:
THEY ARE MALE, BECAUSE THEY HOLD EVERYTHING IN, BUT YOU CAN SEE RIGHT
THROUGH THEM.

2. COPIERS:
THEY ARE FEMALE, BECAUSE ONCE TURNED OFF, IT TAKES AWHILE TO WARM THEM
UP AGAIN. IT'S AN EFFECTIVE REPRODUCTIVE DEVICE IF THE RIGHT BUTTONS ARE
PUSHED, BUT CAN WREAK HAVOC IF THE WRONG BUTTONS ARE PUSHED.

3. TYRES:
THEY ARE MALE, BECAUSE IT GOES BALD AND ITS OFTEN OVER-INFLATED.

4. HOT AIR BALLOON:
MALE, BECAUSE TO GET IT TO GO ANYWHERE, YOU HAVE TO LIGHT A FIRE UNDER
IT, AND OF COURSE, THERE'S THE HOT AIR PART.

5. SPONGES:
FEMALE BECAUSE THEY'RE SOFT, SQUEEZABLE AND RETAIN WATER.

6. WEB PAGE:
FEMALE, BECAUSE IT'S ALWAYS GETTING HIT ON.

7. SUBWAY:
MALE, BECAUSE IT USES THE SAME OLD LINES TO PICK PEOPLE UP.

8. HOURGLASS:
FEMALE, BECAUSE OVER TIME, THE WEIGHT SHIFTS TO THE BOTTOM.

9. HAMMER:
MALE, BECAUSE IT HASN'T CHANGED MUCH OVER THE LAST 500 YEARS BUT IT'S
HANDY TO HAVE AROUND.

10. REMOTE CONTROL:
FEMALE - HA! YOU THOUGHT IT'D BE MALE. BUT CONSIDER THIS - IT GIVES A
MAN PLEASURE, HE'D BE LOST WITHOUT IT, AND WHILE HE DOESN'T ALWAYS KNOW
THE RIGHT BUTTONS TO PUSH, HE KEEPS TRYING.

[scumdog]

125 Things Never To Say During Sex

85) I like your tits.

Hey, no fair, I say that to C.B all the time, No.85 rocks!!