Rethink your Job

**Marmoot** · 8th October 2004, 10:57

Got this off the internet somewhere....

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

**Marmoot** · 8th October 2004, 11:04

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which heavily lobbied to be the official languauge and was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish."

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c" . . . Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k." This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mess of the silent "e's" in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and the "w" with "v."

During the fifz yar, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After ze fifz yar, ve vil hav a realy sensibl vriten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evryvun vil find it easy tu understand each ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!

**Artifice** · 8th October 2004, 11:10

rofl had me in stitches
"ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!"

**Hitcher** · 8th October 2004, 11:56

1234567890

**SPORK** · 8th October 2004, 16:12

Originally Posted by Hitcher

1234567890

Argh, it gotx0red me! Even though I had seen it a couple of years ago

**Hitcher** · 8th October 2004, 16:56

21 TIME-HONOURED TRUTHS:

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

2. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

3. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

4. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

5. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

6. I doubt, therefore I might be.

7. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

8. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

9. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

10. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

12. A fool and his money are soon partying.

13. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

14. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.

15. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

17. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

18. If the No.2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still No.2?

19. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

20. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

21. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

**Hitcher** · 8th October 2004, 17:04

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says "dam".

**********

Two peanuts walk into a bar

One was a salted.

**********

A jumper-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

**********

A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

**********

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

**********

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:

"A beer please, and one for the road"

**********

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.

The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

*********

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other

"Does this taste funny to you?"

***********

"Doc, I can't stop singing "The green, green, grass of home"

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

**********

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly

"I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you" said Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!"

**********

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, "I've lost my electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

**********

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've herd this bullshit before

**********

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well" says the vet "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy".

**********

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

**********

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the topshelf. And he said, "no, the steaks are too high."

*********

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

He was pulled in by a strong currant.

*******

A man walks into doctor's office.

"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.

"It's... um... well... I have five penises. "replies the man.

"Blimey! says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"

"Like a glove."

**********

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with nuts & hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

**********

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh

**********

Two fish are in a tank

One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

NC · 8th October 2004, 17:08

Me getting a pay rise

**ching_ching** · 8th October 2004, 21:30

Originally Posted by Marmoot

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which heavily lobbied to be the official languauge and was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish."

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c" . . . Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k." This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mess of the silent "e's" in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and the "w" with "v."

During the fifz yar, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After ze fifz yar, ve vil hav a realy sensibl vriten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evryvun vil find it easy tu understand each ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!

Mein Gott

Heeheehee!!

**The Pastor** · 8th October 2004, 22:13

This is a true story that happen to my mate and I.

We where travling to birkenhead from albany in my mates lowrider. Its a 1970 sumthing thunderbird just had a nice respray in bright red. Its got those shiny wheels that spin when you're stopped at the lights and it has (neadless to say) a bitching sound system (mines better but his is a nicer install). Craking up GUNS N ROSES we were rollin down glenfield road. My mates bit of a heavy smoker so he was having a fag, you know a ciggy. then this idiot swerves infrontof us and BAM he hits the brakes hard and i get a good taste of the dash. lucky with a few swerves we avoid an accindent and carry on rolling down the road. my mate suddleny starts to swing his arm around and swearing somthing awful. his ciggy had fallen down his sleeve and was burining his arm. i told him to stick it out the window to fling it out of cource the air + smouldering sleeve / arm set it into flames. Hes screaming out at the top of his lungs and the car is swervering all over the place out of controll. Luckly there was a coppa who saw this and managed to pull us over and put out the flames before any major damage was done. He said look I can see what happend and I understand so Im not going to charge you with careless driving running red lights drivign on wrong side of the road ect ect but theres one charge I simply cannot let you off with

My mate asked what is that?

"unlawful possesion of a firearm"

I didnt word it too well as im tired and going to bed and excited cos im getting my first bike tomorrow (hopefully)

I like it alot

**Hitcher** · 10th October 2004, 14:34

The Washington Post has again published the results of its annual competition where readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for words. The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.); a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.); appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.); to give up hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.); to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.); impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.); describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.); to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.); an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.); the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you have been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.); a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.); a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.); the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before they examine you.

13. Oyster (n.); a person who sprinkles their conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Pokemon (n.); a Jamaican proctologist.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.); the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.); the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

**Ms Piggy** · 24th October 2004, 17:22

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court:
Great Fractured Moments in Courtroom History, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes
Q: And what were you doing at the time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, okay?
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

LASTLY

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.