Various funnies
Hearing Problem
An elderly retired gentleman had had severe hearing problems for some time.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear better than he had ever heard before.
One month later, the elderly man went back again to the doctor. The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Texas Oil Man
"Harlen, I want you to buy me a divorce," the big Texan boomed to his attorney. "That wife of mine ain't behavin' right. She's MY woman and she's supposed to do what I say."
"Well, R.J., a wife isn't exactly property, you know," the lawyer said. "You don't own her the way you own an oil well."
"Maybe not," R.J. conceded, "but I damn well oughta have exclusive drilling rights."
GOODNIGHT TO MUM
You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years
Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the
answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put
the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab
company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we
opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we
put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We
didn't want the cat shut in the house because she
always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to
get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot
pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the
driver to know that the house will be empty for the
night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,
"He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my
mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took
so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch
was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat
hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off,
so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a
blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked!
I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into
the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car...
The GirlFriend
After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred notices a photo of a man on her bedside table. At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he. But after a month or so into the relationship he begins to stress about it; even imagining the photo is staring at him doing the deed.
It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask about it. "Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Another boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no!!!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. "That's me 6 months ago"
Actions speak louder than words or good intentions
He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. - Paul Keating
Reply With Quote
No road is straight forever'
Originally Posted by Bloody Mad Woman (BMW)
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