Depression...

[slippery]

Thanks to all the KBers who care and to Kittyhawk for keeping on going and inspiring us

hugs to kittyhawk and everyone on this thread !

[Kittyhawk]

Reading some of it brings tears to my eyes.

When some stuff is written, there are tears in our eyes. But the good thing is you can be alone and typing on here and no one can see you. Youre still in your own little world and this is just a light insight into ones mind.

For a depressed person or people who have experienced it in some form, I've noticed theres a different level of sympathy shared. Something I cant explain.

hugs to kittyhawk and everyone on this thread !

Thanks you're a star!! And big hugs back to you too... we all have problems, and well even though its a biker site, bikers have non bike problems too.

don't be shy to ask for help when you need it. I've had to do it in the past

Once this step is taken, its the hardest step in putting that one foot forward. The next step is to talk. Trust your friends, if they have a counsellor or doctor to reccomend, try it. If its not what you are looking for try again.

Im glad I stepped forward to get help..But its not easy. I dont like talking about my feelings, thoughts and things. Some days when I leave a therapy session I get home and just break down.

Today...woke up first thought "great off to go to ardmore moto x track." Storm cloud brewing inside my mind. Spent all after noon there then headed out west for the mentor evening. I mean even though Im keeping motivated, socialising and busy with my time, the mind isnt functioning the way its ment to.

You can just feel the unbalance. Been happy all day, but at the back of my mind I just want to shy away from everyone and cry.

Thursday - Im goin to wake up and go to the gym. Come home do the housework and a bit of composing. Head off to ATNR that evening and catch up with some bikers.

Staying motivated is one of the hardest things to do..tis a struggle.

*sighs* tis midnight so Im off to sleep.

[scumdog]

Waking up and look out the window - its a lovely day
First thought which comes to mind - oh no Im sad
no matter what you do to motivate yourself - everything seems to fail.

Went to the gym yesterday...felt more upset after.
Met up with some kbers at the pub last night... still felt sad.
Had a good blat on my bike....still no change.
Hung out with my neighbours....that storm cloud was brewing.

I hate this little emotional cycle. When the good days come they dont last long. I try to make the most of them.

*sighs*

So how long have you lived in the same place, done the same things, met the same people??

A change in any of them may give you a bit of a boost.

[Kittyhawk]

Moved house, and it brightened me up.

This time last year I had a very strict routine with fulltime work and music in the army band.

This year Im working part time in a job I enjoy, and following my passion of riding and making biker friends. Gave up music.

Meeting new people everytime I do something KB related and I do go up to them and say hi...which is outside my comfort zone too
.
Go to the gym most days, and go road cycling on the weekends or when its sunny in the mornings to try give myself a natural boost.

I dont want to let this clinical depression beat me but its always there somewhere in the back.

I'll try again tomorrow to be happy. I've always thought that thought...and to try smile and laugh at least once a day, no matter how stupid the joke/someone doing something was.

[ManDownUnder]

I dont want to let this clinical depression beat me but its always there somewhere in the back.

And that, m'dear, is the essence of it... and what I pesonally get inspiration from. It's a struggle, I know it is coz I've seen part of it. I just like to see the good guys win, and that big black dog ain't the good guy!

[Grahameeboy]

And that, m'dear, is the essence of it... and what I pesonally get inspiration from. It's a struggle, I know it is coz I've seen part of it. I just like to see the good guys win, and that big black dog ain't the good guy!

That's right MDU....as long as we wake up each day and say to ourselves "I will try".......I would not say I am depressed, just have a few stresses to deal with and each morning I say that to myself and some days I do well and some days it is hard but I am still kicking and as long as we do that things will sort themselves out even when that day seems so far away.

Good on ya Kitty......

[Disco Dan]

Waking up and look out the window - its a lovely day
First thought which comes to mind - oh no Im sad
no matter what you do to motivate yourself - everything seems to fail.

Went to the gym yesterday...felt more upset after.
Met up with some kbers at the pub last night... still felt sad.
Had a good blat on my bike....still no change.
Hung out with my neighbours....that storm cloud was brewing.

I hate this little emotional cycle. When the good days come they dont last long. I try to make the most of them.

*sighs*

Thats why I was a little 'pushy' to get you down to the pub that night, to try and break you mind away from what you was feeling and make you laugh....

[slippery]

great news, got my new head scans back to, no major problems. my health feels a bit better today too.

even more good news, the company waited for me and has reoffered me the job in oz. YAY !

even more good news, im sitting here looking at photos of coromandel, sipping some beam and coke (even though doctor says not suppose to, naughty), listening to some hendrix thinking about my mis spent youth.

has anyone here had a new years at colville?

[ManDownUnder]

great news, got my new head scans back to, no major problems. my health feels a bit better today too.

even more good news, the company waited for me and has reoffered me the job in oz. YAY !

even more good news, im sitting here looking at photos of coromandel, sipping some beam and coke (even though doctor says not suppose to, naughty), listening to some hendrix thinking about my mis spent youth.

has anyone here had a new years at colville?

[Kittyhawk]

great news, got my new head scans back to, no major problems. my health feels a bit better today too.

even more good news, the company waited for me and has reoffered me the job in oz. YAY !

even more good news, im sitting here looking at photos of coromandel, sipping some beam and coke (even though doctor says not suppose to, naughty), listening to some hendrix thinking about my mis spent youth.

has anyone here had a new years at colville?

Glad to hear everything went well. And that things are working out!!

*big biker hug to ya*

[vifferman]

I'm starting to feel like me again (apart from the occasional brain farts, like the one that made me drop my bike last week). The Effexor has almost (but not quite) released its hold on me.
Now all I need to do is sort out a new drug - St John's Wort is working OK at the moment, but I know it won't last. Time to find a good psychiatrist...

[Kittyhawk]

Oh no you dropped your bike? Ouch.

Glad to hear the meds are working out for you. Im in two minds about doing the kb track day. Dont know what I want right now.

[Coyote]

Is feeling empty and not feeling like you have any purpose related to depression or is that something else?

[earthbound misfit]

For all those that follow this thread I read a good story in the Herald about movie thats out called "The flying scotsman'' about a guy who broke the one hour record for road cycling years ago. He also tried struggled with depression and tried to take his life.

He spoke about trying to find anything that stopped him thinking, eg drugs, alcohol and even death seemed like it would end that thinking going on in the head. Cycling gave him something in his life to help with the pain.

It just reminded me of being human and how others struggle, even those that we see as having their lives completely together or being winners.

[Bloody Mad Woman (BMW)]

Yep that wonderful Committee in the Head. Take away every crutch like alcohol, drugs, cigs, relationships and/or sex and you are left with you. You have 2 choices: FEAR: Fuck Everything And Run or work on yourself and your issues. The latter by far the hardest thing a human being can face yet the most courageous feat. The more you run - the harder it bites you in the arse later. Excuse the french.

One of my biggest issues - I was not good enough, nothing was ever enough. (good ole catholic upbringing) I still struggle with that today. One crazy example:

Within a 2 week period I made my sister-in-law's wedding dress - she was in another city so no fittings (had to deal with her mother who was an ultra first class bitch). Made all the cummerbunds, and mens shirts x 3, the flower-girl's dress, worked full time, didn't have time to make my own outfit. Arranged travel to wedding etc - all happened quite quickly this wedding!! At the end of that 2-week period - because I had not made my own outfit, or arranged to have my hair done on the day - getting Mother ready as well etc - I thought I was useless and remember berating myself that I had achieved nothing!!

Such is the power of the mind ay. The biggest challenge with depression is changing your attitude to that of positive and changing your belief systems. I can say my experience has taught me this - e.g. the men I have had relationships with have been liars, cheats, alcoholics and/or drug users, emotionally immature etc - now I have to ignore that experience to a certain degree, change the belief system I was brought up with, be positive not all men are like that - thank God I know 3 men who aren't (all happily married), and also believe that one day a miracle might happen for me and I will have a loving fulfilling relationship with a "healthy male" - I am not actively pursuing that - if it happens c'est la vie.

Meantime, I am trying to get as much out of life as I can. Nowadays, 98% of the time I'm positive - believe me that is massive progress! Because while I can love with a passion, get on my shit list and you are persona non gratis. I don't hate my ex'es rather I have had to learn to bless them for they have turned out to be sicker than myself (hard to believe at times) and they are not on the same path of development that I am on (or not on one at all lol). That is not meant to sound arrogant either - I come from a place of humility cos I have had to look at me in these relationships and I can only change me and work on me. And frankly I'm sick to death of myself for constantly fking up but have also learnt - I am not the one always at fault like I used to think I was (and told).

Lately my past has been coming back to haunt me, my dreams are quite awful - yet it is stuff I have dealt with - the pain and hurt comes back, sometimes the stupid question I ask is Why!! At times there simply is no answer. Then I have to apply the following:

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today;
When I am disturbed,
it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact of my life unacceptable to me and
I can find no serenity
until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation
as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in this world by mistake.