Depression...

[raster]

Hi Kittyhawk
I have just started scrambling out of another downer cycle, nearly quit my job(still looking at options), a change can be as good as a cure in some situations.
This is my first full week back at work.

How did your track day go?

[Bloody Mad Woman (BMW)]

Frankly Kittyhawke - don't bang ya head against the brick wall re family. Be polite and civil and that is that. You sound like you have accepted they cannot and/or will not be there for you. Once that point has been reached you become freerer.

My family don't contact me at all, it still amazes me at times, when one is nearly killed and you tell your family or ask for help and it just aint there. I accept the fact they are not capable or willing. I choose not to have those people in my life. Just because they are family means jack shit. You wouldn't tolerate that kind of bullship from friends why should you from your family. Simple you don't. You respect yourself and surround yourself with positive and loving people. Then watch your life improve!!

I have been very up and down myself recently. Sick of being physically sick. I have finally come off venlafaxine YEEHA. No longer upchucking, or getting such violent headaches, or stuffing my face with food.

Now I'm just bloated with sterioids - for Asthma. Stopping smoking. Starting on my nutritional food plan that will give me all the nutrients I need - I had to bite the bullet and apply for a bankcard but I am at the point of fk the cost - my health is far too important.

Have not been capable of riding the bike in this condition, however the bloody thing has died and won't start - still working on that problem.

I can just be sitting anywhere and tears roll down my face, or I have a permanent lump in the throat - anything sad and I'm history.

Now the other nite I had the opportunity to get out of all of this. Tuesday I was at the Dr again - weather here turned to custard and not good for asthmatics. I have never suffered so badly in my life. At the Dr's twice, steriods, chest xray (all clear thank god) so smoking hasn't totally stuffed the lungs yet and they won't get a chance to.
Anyway, had friend stay in case I had to go to hospital - he could look after my niece and friend that are staying. Had a very sudden bad attack - friend utterly panicked, girls terrified - had taken meds - but they weren't working, tested peak flow - 100 - 125, I had been told this is death material - well I knew things were slowin down, and I remember thinking shit, this could be curtains kiddo, and how nice it would be to lay down and rest/sleep - big no no cos ya don't wake up - I happened to glance over at the girls and thought fight Shirl don't let them see a person kark it. Asked friend how long was it since I took meds - he had no idea. He cdn't get ph to work - I'm in hand motion now so he threw me the ph - they had my details from 3 weeks previously.
Ambo came - this time I had to let them come up to me - I so wanted to let go and drift off - no oxygen and then apparently I went into shock - cd hear the girls far off saying why is she shaking.

They gave me an ECG - heart still goes altho apparently it had been racing like crazy - fk I wonder why lol.

Anyway I recovered and was soon laughing about it - except panicked friend - he was not amused.

My mood swings a little. Funny how small things send you off. I hate fizz/ carbonated drinks - always have done. Now once one could buy water and trust it was water - then why the fuck did they stick gas in it. On the label it said mineral water, Deep spring - I was thirsty - so opened it while in the supermarket - then I opened my mouth FFS if I wanted fkn fizz I would have bought fizz - says fkn water yet it is carbonated. I was so tempted to dump it in the peas freezer - shame I'm too honest; so I've got website address and will nut off at them very soon. Now I've jumped in Pupu Springs, and swallowed that cold water - is it fkn carbonated. NO! Jesus where are the happy pills. LOL

At checkout. Girls wanted smokes - underage - I asked Ahu to manage that - he totally ignored me - the girls saw this - wrong move fucktard - Now normally I would shut my mouth - but I've had enough of this friend's tantrums lately - I quietly said - do you need hearing aids? He just stared at me gormlessly - "well I'm packing" What are the checkout people there for??"!!! "Typical fkn pig ignorant male - ears painted on - now girls that is the shit you don't put up with." This was said after I repeated my request politely twice more. So in typical male form he stormed off and packed a tantrum, sulked all nite - don't know why he didn't go home immediately and do that - even the girls said why is he so shitty??

Then Kayla gets on ph to her boyfriend - I couldnt stand it any longer - after an hour the retard still hadn't given her an answer of whether he would come in and see her tomorrow - so I open mouth again - plenty other fish in the sea - if he's too retarded to give a simple yes or no immediately then don't waste ya fkn time - not interested in ya silly fktard games. (I have met the lad). Ya don't need that shit in ya life. Go out with that gorgeous looking boy that was here the other day Kayla. He soon changed his tune. Wait til I see him tomorrow. (They call each other boyfriend/girlfriend but it is very low key).

Anyway got that shit off my chest. Having a lovely evening now. I have been out of routine with girls here, not done my meditation, been concentrating on Ahu's problems - he is only a friend and I mentor him but shit he's so stubborn - why don't I give up on him?? Cos my mentor did not give up on me at that stage - I asked her recently - was I ever that stubborn?? She said I wasn't. I was in so much pain and shit I would go to any lengths to get better, but this guy gets a little emotional pain and up comes the wall. Shit I daren't tell him there's plenty more of where that comes from. Until one fully faces those demons it will keep coming back and bites you in the arse even harder. Said to him tho I couldn't help him anymore - if he didn't take action on the suggestions I had made - you want to stay in your shit and not do anything. Pride, ego and fear.

Next week I am taking time out to concentrate on getting me back on track, mentally, physically, spiritually. I hate these mood swings - and I must starting putting me first again - I know what I have to do and what it takes.

God I have written a novel again.

[ManDownUnder]

God I have written a novel again.

LOLOL.... no shit sherlock... but a good one. Look after yourself. Sounds like you've been in the wars a bit... and as for giving up??? I'm so glad you took the difficult path. I haven't been there re depression but times like that always remind me of a piece of wisdom my mother passed on to me.

You're not allowed to die too soon. I've put too much work into bringing you up! She's a good woman - one of the best in my world.

Stay strong hun... stay strong.

You need help with your bike? Any Wellington KBer's able to help out?

[Morcs]

Is this thread still going?!

Now there are two types of depressed people - the genuinely depressed who are extremely difficult to tell they are depressed - until they jump in front of a bus...

And there are the types that think they are, and tell themselves they are.

My advice, HTFU. Im not being offensive, but through extreme hardship (and I do sympathise), holding your head high, and chin up is the best thing to do, and I for one respect people who do that.

Ive never cried at a funeral, doesnt mean im a cold hearted bastard - and ive had loved ones leave me in some of the worst circumstances - but shit happens, harden the fuck up and deal with it your own way, but do it quickly and move on, and hold your head up, and think if you can handle it, theres possibly nothing life can throw at you that will make you crack.

Just my 2c..

[Steam]

I
My advice, HTFU. Im not being offensive, but through extreme hardship (and I do sympathise), holding your head high, and chin up is the best thing to do, and I for one respect people who do that.
.... but shit happens, harden the fuck up and deal with it your own way, but do it quickly and move on, and hold your head up, and think if you can handle it, theres possibly nothing life can throw at you that will make you crack.

You
have
absolutely
no
idea
what
you
are
talking
about

Shut up before you reveal your ignorance any further.

[ManDownUnder]

Is this thread still going?!

Now there are two types of depressed people - the genuinely depressed who are extremely difficult to tell they are depressed - until they jump in front of a bus...

And there are the types that think they are, and tell themselves they are.

My advice, HTFU. Im not being offensive, but through extreme hardship (and I do sympathise), holding your head high, and chin up is the best thing to do, and I for one respect people who do that.

Ive never cried at a funeral, doesnt mean im a cold hearted bastard - and ive had loved ones leave me in some of the worst circumstances - but shit happens, harden the fuck up and deal with it your own way, but do it quickly and move on, and hold your head up, and think if you can handle it, theres possibly nothing life can throw at you that will make you crack.

Just my 2c..

Actually... thinking about it - let's try it this way... I'll paraphrase your post to something you understand... see how much sense it makes after I'm done.

===
Now there are two types of racers - the real deal (Rossi) who just get on the bike open the tap and deal with whatever comes out, or the wannabe's (MDU) who worry about every little thing that might hurt them when all they need to do is have good gear and go faster

My advice, give it full noise in every gear and just deal with the consequences. Im not being offensive, but if it turns to crap (and I have been there), just pretend it didn't happen - ignore the pain, get back on and go again - even harder this time. That's how legends are made.

... I won't go on...
===
Morcs you are so far out of line on this one, and to tell someone to HTFU when we're talking about people that've been through extreme life events (I'm not talking a break up, I'm not talking about a Mother dying... although those are extremely painful... I'm talking something an order of Magnitude larger than those.)

Some people have had their very soul destroyed by a malicious other. Some (as BMW's post spells out) put her on death's door... repeatedly. Till you've been there dude... till you have held the hand of someone in that level of pain I suggest you sit down, shut up and take on board some of what has been posted in this thread.

HTFU is NOT going to do it. HTFU will help with depression about as much as it will for the Flu. It's not the right tool for the job... not even close.

[Stickchick]

HTFU is NOT going to do it. HTFU will help with depression about as much as it will for the Flu. It's not the right tool for the job... not even close.

Very well said dude!!!!

[Morcs]

Actually... thinking about it - let's try it this way... I'll paraphrase your post to something you understand... see how much sense it makes after I'm done.

===
Now there are two types of racers - the real deal (Rossi) who just get on the bike open the tap and deal with whatever comes out, or the wannabe's (MDU) who worry about every little thing that might hurt them when all they need to do is have good gear and go faster

My advice, give it full noise in every gear and just deal with the consequences. Im not being offensive, but if it turns to crap (and I have been there), just pretend it didn't happen - ignore the pain, get back on and go again - even harder this time. That's how legends are made.

... I won't go on...
===
Morcs you are so far out of line on this one, and to tell someone to HTFU when we're talking about people that've been through extreme life events (I'm not talking a break up, I'm not talking about a Mother dying... although those are extremely painful... I'm talking something an order of Magnitude larger than those.)

Some people have had their very soul destroyed by a malicious other. Some (as BMW's post spells out) put her on death's door... repeatedly. Till you've been there dude... till you have held the hand of someone in that level of pain I suggest you sit down, shut up and take on board some of what has been posted in this thread.

HTFU is NOT going to do it. HTFU will help with depression about as much as it will for the Flu. It's not the right tool for the job... not even close.

Both yourself and steam have good points. I knew Id get flamed for my post.

Real depression IMHO isnt something to be discussed on a forum, its something that should be spoken with in person - as speaking to people is the best thing to do.

I dont want to go as far as saying what ive been through (brings back memories and ill be moping around like everyone else) but its hard, you get through it and come out much stronger the other side.

Not dealing with it, not speaking to people about it, just makes you weaker, and ultimately ends in depression.

[ManDownUnder]

Not dealing with it, not speaking to people about it, just makes you weaker, and ultimately ends in depression.

Exactly. And here we are - talking about it...

[Morcs]

Exactly. And here we are - talking about it...

True, but personally I wouldnt discuss my problems publicly.

Now that part I do 100% agree with
When you typed the HTFU comment it came across completely out of line,however I suspect I knew what you were trying to say.
I too get frustrated with people that are just sooky and don't get pro-active about improving their personal situation.
However the old school HTFU is just wrong and as you mentioned in your last post it can lead to depression of the "real" type....deep seated and IMHO dangerous.

Get pro-active...find the so-called "weakness" and talk to someone in the know.

Thanks chris, thats exactly what I was trying to say in a nutshell.

[BuFfY]

I keep popping into this thread to read it so that I can try comment on someone elses stuff and then add my dramas into the mix, but there are 40 something pages and I just don't have the energy! So, I hope you all are ok!!

At the moment I am feeling like I should be an absolute mess. After the semister from hell at uni with tonsilitus and every other drama possible I was so looking forward to these two weeks of holiday. And I thought I deserved a bloody good break.
Then on the first monday I had to go have sections of my body cut out and tested for cancer. I was told that there is a possibility that even though nothing could turn out to be wrong that there is a chance I will miscarry. The one thing I have wanted to be in my life was a mother. They used to call me Mother Goose cause I love children so much and have always tried to spend so much time with little ones. The thought of not being able to have kids scared me a lot. I told everyone I had decided I didn't want kids and that I was ok with it cause I would have 30 children a year to influence.
So the first week of my holidays was spent hiding in my room reading books and using all my strength not to cry and not to stress out. My family is the most stressful family in the world. And I know it is because they care about me so much. My mum was ringing my constantly to assure me all would be fine, when I told her I knew it would. My dad was ringing my mum and sister crying (my dad is a hard southern man) stressing out about the worst that could happen. And all of them were so worried because I wasn't acting like I was worried.
Results came back on tuesday as not being cancer (yet) and that I need to wait for another set of tests to come back before I made my decision to have surgery or not.
So I thought, sweet week two will be all good, I have lots of planning to do and work to do. Then mum tells me she is getting a seperation from her husband of 6 months. They were all set to move to Aussie in 3 weeks or something and mum had quit her job and started packing and everything. He has now decided he is not sure he wants to be 'reporting' to someone for the rest of his life and will be moving to aussie on his own.
On top of that my poor sis who has been with a guy for 3 years and has been treated like shit the majority of the time is about to break up with her boyfriend. But she is too scared to be alone as he has made her feel like noone else will ever want her or love her.
So the shift has gone for me to my family. We are pretty close and I hate that I can't do anything to help them out. What do you do??!

[Paul in NZ]

Emmy Lou said it for me...

She tried hard to love him but it never did take
It was just another way for the heart to break
So she dug right in.
But one thing they don't tell you about the blues
When you got em
You keep on falling cause there ain't no bottom
There ain't no end.
At least not for Lillian

Nobody knows when she started her skid,
She was only 27 and she had five kids.
Coulda' been the whiskey,
Coulda been the pills,
Coulda been the dream she was trying to kill.
But there won't be a mention in the news of the world
About the life and the death of a red dirt girl
Names Lillian
Who never got any farther across the line than Meridian.

[Clivoris]

LOLOL.... no shit sherlock... but a good one. Look after yourself. Sounds like you've been in the wars a bit... and as for giving up??? I'm so glad you took the difficult path. I haven't been there re depression but times like that always remind me of a piece of wisdom my mother passed on to me.

You're not allowed to die too soon. I've put too much work into bringing you up! She's a good woman - one of the best in my world.

Stay strong hun... stay strong.

You need help with your bike? Any Wellington KBer's able to help out?

Well said.
I will PM you BMW about having a look at your bike but my recent record with fault diagnosis is marginal to say the least.
I haven't put much up in this thread cos it's a bit close to work for me. I do however think that threads such as this are important and am blown away by the courage of those that are sharing their struggles. I too get frustrated by some of the HTFU comments that have been posted, but in a public forum we will get that, and the only way we can increase the general level of understanding of depression is to try and talk this stuff through. I am hopeful that many of the HTFU comments aren't intended to be as hurtful as they are, but I deal with people every day who say things like "I didn't realise depression was like this". Once you've been depressed, the illness makes more sense. It is radically different to being sad or going through difficult times.
Many depressed people know the changes they need to make but the illness makes putting those changes into place very difficult. Catch-22. Knowing what is needed and being able to put it into practice are two different things. I know that I can lap around Manfield by cornering faster. I know what it will take to do this but it is something that I am having to work toward gradually, with well spaced achievable goals and good feed-back. Any sports-psychologists out there?
Well done KB for keeping this thread going and not letting it degenerate into a shit-fight. Once again, those of you that struggle with depression and are putting the yards in are fucking legends.

[vifferman]

I hope what Morcs meant was that it's not good to wallow in feeling crap, and it does help somewhat to "just get busy".

LOL - my son (who has Aspergers and also suffers from depression) often tells me to "harden up" or "Suck it up" or "Stop being a dick", but it's ok - he's just getting back at me for saying similar things to him, and it's a tongue-in-cheek thing referencing the John Kirwan ads.
At least I hope it is - he might just be being an arsehole!

I'm doing OKish now - still feel like shit a lot, but it's simpler without the meds, and I cope. Sometimes I'm not so functional, and sometimes I get stuck - obsess about things, and can't make decisions.

[Steam]

I'm going to snap myself out of my current gloomy mood by jumping on the bike tomorrow and going to Taranaki. I have until Monday off work, and I have never seen an oil well, it is my mission to do so. It's forecast to rain but that's okay.
Better to be moving on a bike than being a gloomy guts inside, just endlessly surfing the net and reading. So bored, I've been doing that for days already.