Depression...

[Steam]

what is life when...

Sounds like time for a change. But I got no advice for ya sorry AJ.

Since I realised I'm going nowhere here, just digging myself into a deeper hole of depression, I decided to go to Australia and ride around, do a bit of a walkabout / rideabout, just do whatever, for however long it takes. No plans, just a bike, a road, a tent and a hot hot country.
I have hardly any money, just enough for an airfare and a very cheap bike, and it's going to change my life.
Yep, I'm still depressed, was actually quite suicidal last week, but I have something to look forward to. it makes a difference.
Good luck with you AJ.

[Curious_AJ]

thanks for the luck. And good luck to you with your trip.

I wish I had something to look forward to... but I don't... and I can't afford anything... so even a trip 3 hjours drive from here is completely out of the question...

change? well... I don't see how to change anything. I'm already not doing the second year of my course because I can't handle it... weak little AJ can't cut it...

[Toaster]

By killing yourself you will do lasting and irreparable harm to your family. Don't ever lose sight of that fact, no matter how low you feel.

A one time close friend of mine lost her brother and her mother to suicide and it has completely done her head in. Her life is very difficult now, and needn't have been.

So think again, if you EVER think "they would be better off without me . . ."

I've seen the results. It aint pretty.

Completely agreed. I attended and had to clean up several suicides when I was a policeman. Dealing with the body was usually the easier part compared to seeing and being party to the families grief. Suicide is an incredibly selfish act and hurts those who love you - and solves nothing apart from taking away the only chance you had to live. I can't forget any of those people. Just horrible.

[Curious_AJ]

some people are just selfish though... can't do anything about it... their world is pretty much the only world they see... and it's not very pretty... the complete opposite more like it.

[deanohit]

It's not hard to change AJ. What I found hardest was making that first little step towards getting out of my old life and comfort zone. I've always lived in a remote place doin home school where my only contact with other people was a job nearby and in a small town when we bought supplies every 2 weeks. When I left home I moved to my friends place near by. So my biggest problem with changing was to confront my fears of the unknown and knowing nothing of what to do in citys.
Just grab the first job that comes along even if it's only for a few weeks until you find a better one and open your eyes to the world.

[RiderInBlack]

During my RN training I met a RN with Bi-polar. She preferred ECT to kick her out of her depressive cycle and, for her, reckoned that it give her less side-effects than most of the anti-depression drugs. Done right ECT has it's place but like any treatment can be done for the wrong reasons and over done (too many or too much).

[vifferman]

Whoooaaahhhh! This thread's still going?!?

I thought everyone would've cheered up given I was out of the country for over a week and didn't post to KB for nearly two!

[duckonin]

There is a lot of sadness in this forum, be strong find a good mate I mean a good one and let him, her know all about your prob's,if this embarrases you then find one on line someone you can feel good talking to,you may never meet them but they will help you, think only positive thoughts, and when you hear those silly little voices in your head telling you "shit" remember ( it is you that is in control of your own mind ) not the silly little voices, even say it to your self (I am in control of my own mind at all times)many times over..
Think only positive thoughts stay away from negative thinking people, or anything that may make you sad, SMILE..ALL THE TIME when you are not doing this force one onto your face you will feel better.
Again be in control.
Never stop being active always find something to do..keep occupied walk, run,go fishing, ride your bike on a nice day with a good friend, and tell yourself (what a mighty day gezz I feel good)...Allways be looking for something new to throw yourself at callenge yourself all of the time,find your comfort zone as we all handle things differently
Don,t be frightened to cry it will help you it is your immediate saftey valve use it, most of all stay strong and yes you will beat it, it may take some time but you will get there......

[Winston001]

Suicide is an incredibly selfish act and hurts those who love you - and solves nothing apart from taking away the only chance you had to live.

I know this view that suicide is selfish is common among most people. That is because most people rarely ever feel suicidal. From the outside it looks like a selfish act. However you need to consider the state of mind of the person who feels so desperate that ending their life is their only option.

If you are profoundly depressed you won't have any self-image at all - you are meaningless, worthless, pointless. You'd actually be doing your loved ones a favour if your heart simply stopped. Anything to make the empty pain go away.

There is no sense of self for a person suffering deep depression - life has no meaning for them, there is no sense of "self" left.

That is very hard for normal healthy people to comprehend because the desire to live is strong within us. However a person contemplating suicide isn't in normal health and views the world differently. This is often caused by an imbalance of brain chemicals but it isn't any less real just because there is a medical explanation.

[dmouse]

yes i do feel different and i have since my bin in 04, i have no love hate or self esteem i am a granddad and i have no love or feelings for the kid, the same goes for my family there just poeple to me, ive been married 30yrs this year and had a harder life than most, but nothing of it means anything to me, its like im living in someone elses shoes and seeing there life from above them, my memory is shot i have to write myself notes on stickies and carry a diary, i get lost in christchurch shit i even get lost in my own home, for people to really understand they would have to walk a mile in my shoes, talkin does not help as all you do is repeat over and over again it gets so frustrating.

my bike is my only reason to live as when i ride all this shit gets forced out and i have to concentrate 101% on whats in front both sides and behind me there is no room for anything else.

[deanohit]

That is very hard for normal healthy people to comprehend because the desire to live is strong within us. However a person contemplating suicide isn't in normal health and views the world differently.

Very well put Winston.

I have been very close to suicide at times, but I know now that I will probly never do it. The thing stopping me doin it? A beautiful wee girl named Meg all of 6 who has adopted me as her big brother. I've known and looked after her since she was born and I couldn't bear me or anyone hurting her in anyway.

[dmouse]

i used to really enjoy life before, i lived on a half acre block big house loved fishing shooting and looking after the gardens, my wife is a teraplegic after a road crash in the uk she broke her neck and is left in a wheelchair, luckily we had the kids before this happend, i looked after my wife 24/7 for over 20yrs and brought the kids up they all got good jobs with qualifications, and were never in trouble at all, i thought i did well and was doing well, i was never sick in all this time and very active, when the kids left home i got back into bikes, in my teens i was allways on bikes old brits were a really cheap buy in the uk, and me and my mates used to race them and jump them over cars and stuff, just basicly run them into the ground and get another.
anyway when the kids left home i bought an old 1966 tiger cub stripped down completly and rebuilt it repainted it, then bought a tr6 triumph 1966 and di the same to this bike, but i was goning to keep this one, but unfortunatly this is the one that i had the bin on, i got sun blinded on a corner and hit soft sand when arse over tit and the bike landed in my chest, and rolled over to the side of me but it kept running in gear spinning round in circles, i didnt lose consienceness, this was in rush hour traffic and all these cars are going past me on the other side of the road just looking at me but not stopping, it seemed like i was there for ever with this deep burning in my lower chest, and no one was helping me fuk, i treid to get up but the pain was too much and i felt dizzy, so i rolled over onto all fours, and dragged myself onto my feet, took my helmet off and got rid of all the sand and stuff, stopped the bike, i duno how i did it but i got it up and on its side stand, now it gets crazy i picked up all the broken glass and put it next to a fence post where no one would get hurt by it, i cleaned the twigs and shit off from the bike, and still no one had stopped, im a white guy in black leathers so i guess they saw bigbad gang member no helpe him, i kicked the bike and it didt start the pain was just white waves of light that was all i could see bright white lights, with the pain, i waited and the pain lessend i kicked the bike over again and it started i had to wait till the pain cleared and got on the bike, and i joined the traffic and headed home, it was a very painfull ride every bump was a white bright pain, and i was all over the road not going more than 20 to 25k`s i made it home about 9 to 11`k`s the ride to hell was.

i got home my wife called my daughter who came and picked me up as it was quicker than waitng for the bloodvan (ambulance) in peak traffic and i got to the hospital and was left for six hours in a corridor with internal bleeding, so bad that when i was opened up 3/4 of my blood was in my stomache cavity, i died there in the theatre i went somewhere i can only describe as being in the womb, it was warm safe and so so comfortable so peacefull i want to go back there im willing to cross the line to do it but im held back by a promise, you have to understand that im a man of my word and my marriage vows ment just that in sickness and in health so i will keep my word until the vows are broken and a promise is made to be kept.

after all the pills and ect and the way i have changed i have lost a good part of my memory, i no longer want to fish shoot read or rebuild motorcycles i cant remeber what to do it sounds crazy but i cannot i have no concetration every thing is so hard to complete now i try and force myself but you have to understand how mentaly tiring this is its a horrable place to be and i would not wish this on anyone its just pure hell, i am not frightend of anything at all i have seen fear as just another emotion that i dont need like love compassion possesions i gave my 1977 customised chevy van away to my daughter i loved that van i built it and the engine interior everything but after my bin i cant drive it as i get claustaphobic and start feeling and i was literaly sick trying to drive it, so i ride two wheels that i have made the way i want it custom paint not by me i could not get my head round it and all the mechanical work had to be done by someone else because i cant remeber how to or what to do sound crazy yes it is its me

[Ocean1]

i used to really enjoy life before

Mate, nothing anyone can say can change the past. I'm sorry you feel like shit, all I can offer is that I know people who have improved beyond belief from such pain. Hang in there huh?

[busadayz]

Very well put Winston.

I have been very close to suicide at times, but I know now that I will probly never do it. The thing stopping me doin it? A beautiful wee girl named Meg all of 6 who has adopted me as her big brother. I've known and looked after her since she was born and I couldn't bear me or anyone hurting her in anyway.

Such is the case for me. Have been through the mill lately and have contemplated the worst. If it wasnt for my little girl things may be different.
I dont get to see her that much but when i do life is worth fighting for. In between times is very tough but her photos and looking foward to seeing her keep me going. I have hopes that things will work out for us all and we will be a familly again one day. There is alot to look foward to. This life is like a good book and i am not even half way through it, to close it now and not be there to read the end myself would be a shame for my girl. For it may just have a happy ending for all involved. It is tough, and there others in worse positions than me. I may be crawling but i am on the right path.

[babyB]

been a long night but heaps of good reading & way too many coffees