Depression...

[Indiana_Jones]

;1341754...But yet I have friends that seem "unsinkably" up-bet. Some of them down right cocky and overly full of their own self importance. They seem ta get work/partners etc easier. What I would do just ta have a touch of that ...

Ta "snap out of it" I need ta work at changing my mind set. It a life long thing. For months and even years I think I've got it sussed, but then it only needs a few things not going the way I would like and if I'm not careful I'll get sucked back in the old bad mind-set rut...

How I have that feeling...

-Indy

[Blue Babe]

If you can be knocked down by a "few things not going your way", it is more than a mind-set. I could be thrown into despair by a word, or a look and feel everything was hopeless. I had to recognise it as a symptom of depression, not reality and wait it out, knowing that it would pass, (difficult at times!).

I think this is totally correct too, but it's not just a word or a look or feeling it's the weather big time. The hard part is watching the partner sit & stagnate instead of trying to go out & do something about it.

[Kittyhawk]

Riderinblack - hang in there the low times pass and the good times are the best times, make the most of those.

I went off the rails....again...wasnt good ended up ringing the crisis line, wont go into details, but I hate this, I thought the meds were working, only to find they were setting me up for another crash.

Started the monday night learning nights for something to do and have a new focus, and to keep on the biker scene while Im not riding, its good and making friends is even better.

Went out on a date, and it involved being on the back of an 07 zx6r. The rider was doing 206km/hr down a nice stretch of road, and it was a beautiful day too. He accidently hit a bump in the road, I almost flew off the back, and when I was holding the tank, my hands started slipping off.... I had no adrenline, didnt panic, and didnt care.

He stopped moments later and said "spose you want to tell me to fuck off and I take you home now" I said no I wasn't scared....I think he was when it happend. I explained that I dont get adrenline, have no fear and it didnt scare me the slightest. I wished it did, because I miss adrenline while being on a bike. When Im on the back Im still thinking I want to jump off and end it.

This comfirms that I still cant be trusted with a bike on the road, if I hadnt' have sold the gixer 600 I dont think I'd be around right now. Riding emotionally isnt a good thing. Im looking back and learning that now. I havent missed my bike either, there is no urge "nice day want to go for a blat" thing, and even though Im on the back of bikes alot now, it still does nothing for me which saddens me on the inside.

Only reason why I want to get an fxr 150 is beacuse it dosent go fast enough, and I want it to teach newbies how to ride on monday nights etc. When I borrowed a friends R6 same headspace was there, every power pole, every tree, every corner...must end it. I only rode from Helensville to Woodcocks then stopped and I let the pillion ride the rest of the way because I still cant handle it.

[sunhuntin]

now, im not 100% that i actually have it, but i know my current mood cant be called anything except depressed.

started xmas eve... brother and his "missus" [read shag and baby maker] have split yet again... right on time for xmas. they have 2 kids, who got saddled with for 2 days. "she" rung up here expecting to be able to barge in and see the kids. mum finally snapped after some 4 years of playing nice and swore at her. in turn... we had the cops on the doorstep. after 4 years of her abusing us, my being told to watch if i get followed cos chances are someone will try and run me off the road, and putting up with their general shit, mum snaps and she has the gall to call the cops on us??
well, that ruined xmas... typically, i had to be the one to deal with it all and try and make the olds feel better. half the time i feel like they are the kids. both brother and shag are as bad as each other... brother has done lots of bad shit in the past, but they still keep painting him like an angel. gets so damn hard... i feel like im second... they pay his bills [hes 27] and spend tons on him... yet mum forgets my birthday. she basically clothes the kids and gets no thanks. not once have they said thankyou for anything. i have banned them from my work when im on shift, and will not be in the same room as him. he is no longer my brother except on paper [both adopted]
i mentioned i wanted to go to a birthday in jan... and got met with "you cant... youve gotta look after the animals while we're away" everytime i want to do something, something else comes up. all i want is one night away with friends, and im getting told no.
that started me off... went to work xmas day in a shit mood, got slightly cheered up by co worker [mood returned as soon as the shift ended]
since then, things have gone downhill with my person of interest, to the point where im expecting them to go after someone else, and ive basically given up. i am ready to call it quits. i cannot compete, and cant be bothered even trying. i know when im beat. i was almost chewing on my own arm at points today to try and shake myself out. was leaning on something with my chin on my arm... very tempting to just start chewing.
just sent that person a txt trying to detail what im feeling, and ended up in tears... and now they are starting again. i havent cried since... o hell, i cant even remember when. im thinking my friends funeral in 05.

i just cant deal anymore... its been so long since ive felt like this... im dreading going to work tomorrow. im tempted to take some sick leave, but it would be pointless. might take a few days when ive got the house to myself.

just feel so tired... so so tired. somethings gotta break soon, i just dont know what.

[Kittyhawk]

PM sent.

Hang in there!!

[Badger8]

Well whaddya know, it's that time of year again...
I really dont understand why everyone gets so excited about this time of year. it's the most dependably shit time of year.

So i went north to see the family, not out of choice, it's just what i have to do every year. Now dont get me wrong, i love my family and would do anything for them... i just dont like them... (what's the old saying? you can pick your nose, you can pick your friends, but you cant pick your family...)

Every year it's the same old shit. Go up a couple of days early, get dragged into town even tho i have no need. "Come and spend time with us while you're up here", in reality it's get dragged around town as a packmule and general abuse point. I just zone out and observe people and their strange interactions, keeps me sane enough for the day.

the day arrives and the same bunch of relatives i dont and who dont know or care about me show up. Yeah, workin at the same place that you can never remember, finished the same degree that you could never remember anyway. no i dont have a girlfriend yet. *read between the lines and sideways glances* no that doesn't make me gay... *stew and hide in room, pretend to have a headache or something*

go round to sisters place and hang out with her new side of the family (married earlier this year), just doubles up the bollocks of the existing family really...

eat, get drunk, pass out on the couch (or pretend to if not actually drunk enough to) so i dont have to feign interest anymore.

sorted out everything i had to do whilst i was up by boxing day afternoon and the thought occured "Why the hell am i still here?" for once i actually had something better to do back down in auckland, so i shot off home that afternoon.

Sad thing is, every year this trip just serves as a reminder that i have no family. they dont know the first thing about who i am anymore. and then i realise that it wasnt actually any different when i was living at home. my sister was a terror child, and i was the quiet reserved one. she was the elder child, so all her rules got applied to me as i grew up (3 years behind)

how the flip am i supposed to enjoy a family orientated time of year when i dont feel i have one, and the one that is supposedly mine wants very little to do with me, and i cant help but feel the same?

and yes, i have tried to make things work. for years whilst i was still at home i tried to cultivate an actual relationship with my parents, but they always insisted on keeping it superficial. whenever i tried to go a little deeper, i'd just get brushed off and mum would find something else to have a go at me about.

i guess it's that environment that led to me being such a solitary operator, and happier by myself doing my own thing, not really able to function in social situations and never making any real friends. Things got better when i went off to university, but the old ugly dog still rears it's head at times.

it's only since i've been making efforts to really put myself out there that i've come to fully realise and accept that there does appear to be an underlying problem. i have made a couple of what i would consider real friends, one of whom has really helped me to function and come out of my shell. i'd always figured it was just cause things were going shit for me that i always felt this way, but for the last 2 years or so things have constantly been looking up, yet i still feel like my life is going down the shitter. the clouds close in and i push away all the people who actually care, pushed away the only real relationship i ever had, crawl back into my little shell and refuse to admit that maybe i need some help.

I haven't felt the dark clouds this bad for... probably a couple of years now. How can everything be so good, so many good things and opportunities in front of me for this coming year, and all i want is for the world to go away and to curl up under the duvet till it's all said and done.

Sad thing is, i actually cant wait to go back to work on thurs, will finally have something to occupy my mind, hopefully it'll help keep the clouds at bay.


Wow... that really went in a circle...
Sorry for the rant, but it was therapeutic in itself.

[MyGSXF:Me]

So i went north to see the family, not out of choice, it's just what i have to do every year

Why do you HAVE to???? are you going to be spanked & shut in your room for being a naughty boy if you don't go???!!

Sad thing is, every year this trip just serves as a reminder that i have no family. they dont know the first thing about who i am anymore. and then i realise that it wasnt actually any different when i was living at home. how the flip am i supposed to enjoy a family orientated time of year when i dont feel i have one?

So make the choice not to go!! You're a big boy, you don't need permission!

and yes, i have tried to make things work. for years whilst i was still at home i tried to cultivate an actual relationship with my parents, but they always insisted on keeping it superficial. whenever i tried to go a little deeper, i'd just get brushed off and mum would find something else to have a go at me about.

Give it up.. trying!! It'll do your head in continuing to do it forever & a day! they are ostriches with their heads buried in the sand & understand they CHOOSE to stay that way!

it's only since i've been making efforts to really put myself out there that i've come to fully realise and accept that there does appear to be an underlying problem. i crawl back into my little shell and refuse to admit that maybe i need some help.

Good on your for putting yourself out there!!!!!! & accepting there is a problem is the step on your journey to healing!!!!!!!!

I hear exactly what ya sayin.. I USED to be in the same place as you!!!!! here's a couple of posts I put on here a while ago..

http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/sh...&postcount=960

http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/sh...&postcount=962

I hope there may be something in there that will resonate with you!!

for you

Jen

[MyGSXF:Me]

So i went north to see the family, not out of choice, it's just what i have to do every year

Forgot to say... I have spent the last 2 Christmas days volunteering as a helper at the local "Community Dinner".. I would far rather do that, than spend the day with my olds & feeling just as you do, myself!!!!!

It's an awesome day out.. ya giving something "back" & tis an eye opener seeing the "other side" of life

Check out where you are (C.A.B) & see if there is something similar!! Tell ya what, ya come away from helping out at a day like that, feeling bloody GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Took my oldest son this year (he's nearly 12) & he had a great day too.. he even took the initiative to help clear plates off tables!! very cool!!!

Jen

[Badger8]

Why do you HAVE to???? are you going to be spanked & shut in your room for being a naughty boy if you don't go???!!

So make the choice not to go!! You're a big boy, you don't need permission!

Touche`
i guess i'm still clinging on to the idea of family. And thinking of the shitstorm that'd be fired my way if i told them "nah, get nicked, i'm gonna bum out down here", probably just easier to go up for a short spat like i did this time.
it's not so bad now i can just go for a couple of days (used to be stuck up there for up to 3 months)

Give it up.. trying!! It'll do your head in continuing to do it forever & a day! they are ostriches with their heads buried in the sand & understand they CHOOSE to stay that way!

again, i guess i'm just tryin to 'fix' things for lack of a better word. but i guess it gets to a point where i'm just floggin a dead horse.

Good on your for putting yourself out there!!!!!! & accepting there is a problem is the step on your journey to healing!!!!!!!!

it's not been easy, but i'm tryin. success varies, but i keep gettin back on that horse. sometimes i get knocked off for a while, but so far i keep gettin back up.

I hear exactly what ya sayin.. I USED to be in the same place as you!!!!! here's a couple of posts I put on here a while ago..

http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/sh...&postcount=960

http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/sh...&postcount=962

I hope there may be something in there that will resonate with you!!

for you

Jen

Some good stuff indeed, much of which i have already taken on board and applied to move my life out of the deep dark pit it used to be to where i am today. i guess i'm just coming more and more to the realisation that i cant keep deluding myself forever, and need to face up to the fact that even though things in my life may be getting better, I am not getting better with them. I always used to think "oh, it's just a period of life... finish uni and things'll get better... get a girlfriend, things'll get better... get a real job, things'll get better... get some hobbies, things'll get better... make some friends who aren't munters, theings'll get better..."
as i keep going out and doing these things, it's getting better, but things are still dark on the inside. life is a lot easier now than it has been at any point so far, yet the dark clouds are still with me. and i seem to be going through a patch right now that just reminds me how dark they can get at the center...

i think the whole christmas thing is always just a catalyst for me... people go on about the great time back home, seeing family and friends, all their great new years parties, all their great times off with friends, and i'm sitting here wondering where the hell i went wrong.

[Badger8]

Forgot to say... I have spent the last 2 Christmas days volunteering as a helper at the local "Community Dinner".. I would far rather do that, than spend the day with my olds & feeling just as you do, myself!!!!!

It's an awesome day out.. ya giving something "back" & tis an eye opener seeing the "other side" of life

Check out where you are (C.A.B) & see if there is something similar!! Tell ya what, ya come away from helping out at a day like that, feeling bloody GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Took my oldest son this year (he's nearly 12) & he had a great day too.. he even took the initiative to help clear plates off tables!! very cool!!!

Jen

actually, funny you mention this. i've got involved in a few volunteer and charity projects over the last year or two, and found them to be some of the most worthwhile and personally rewarding things i've ever done. also helped bringin me out of my shell too
need to get back into that sortof thing again

[MyGSXF:Me]

i guess i'm still clinging on to the idea of family. probably just easier to go up for a short spat like i did this time

I know what ya sayin! I tried that too.. but I got to the point in my own journey of just accepting that I wasn't born into a happy, functioning family.. & do my own thing instead. but if ya have to go.. yeah, go for a day or two.. then leave em to it!

again, i guess i'm just tryin to 'fix' things for lack of a better word. but i guess it gets to a point where i'm just floggin a dead horse.

You're onto it!!!! quick learner!!

it's not been easy, but i'm tryin. success varies, but i keep gettin back on that horse. sometimes i get knocked off for a while, but so far i keep gettin back up

on ya!!! never let that bloody horse get the better of you ok.. kick the bugger up the arse & tell him to sod off!!!

life is a lot easier now than it has been at any point so far, yet the dark clouds are still with me. and i seem to be going through a patch right now that just reminds me how dark they can get at the center... i think the whole christmas thing is always just a catalyst for me... people go on about the great time back home, seeing family and friends, all their great new years parties, all their great times off with friends, and i'm sitting here wondering where the hell i went wrong.

Sounds like you're doin real well!!! bloody good on you!!! It IS hard work & you WILL have good days & bad!! but stick at it & you will reep the rewards in time, ok! Check out your local community house & see what sort of courses they run.. Join a mens group.. or whatever you can find that feels ok to go to, for you. It is very important that you don't try & do it all alone!!

It is hard to reach out, but each little step you take, will help! Push your comfort boundaries out just a little further each time. Don't rush it though. A single step leads to the journey of a thousand miles!

Print these out if you can & hang them up on a prominent wall.. & read them often!!!!!!

http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/sh...58&postcount=1

http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/sh...82&postcount=1

http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/sh...39&postcount=1

Remember that the only person you can change.. is yourself! Leave the rest of the wombles to themselves..

Jen

[MyGSXF:Me]

actually, funny you mention this. i've got involved in a few volunteer and charity projects over the last year or two, and found them to be some of the most worthwhile and personally rewarding things i've ever done. also helped bringin me out of my shell too
need to get back into that sortof thing again

YEAH baby!!!! get back into it for sure!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Badcat]

this is great to see.
nice work for having the guts to discuss this stuff.
respect.

ken

[XP@]

This site may be interesting for some:

http://dailystrength.org/support-gro...on/Depression/

As well as depression there are a lot of other specific support networks. And well, sometimes we all need a bit of support ;-)

[discotex]

actually, funny you mention this. i've got involved in a few volunteer and charity projects over the last year or two, and found them to be some of the most worthwhile and personally rewarding things i've ever done. also helped bringin me out of my shell too
need to get back into that sortof thing again

It's also a pretty handy excuse to get out of visiting the family next xmas. "Sorry but I've got more important shit to do like help people in need... you know... the real xmas spirit" ... That should keep them quiet

Not sure how old you are but I found my depression slowly eased once I got past 23. Took plenty of work but that was when I started getting traction. I'm sure that was partially an age related change in my brain chemistry that helped.

Unfortunately depression had fucked my life up pretty damn good by then and it's taken a shit load of work to get back on track. You'd have no idea I was the same person if you met me then vs now.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that even if inside you're not feeling great but are managing to keep your life on track you should try and hold onto that for when you get the inside to match the outside.

Much as it doesn't feel like there is any hope there is a strong chance you'll pop out the other side stronger and a better person for it.